Disclaimer: This work of fanfiction is intended purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the production of this work (well, not many…). The author derives absolutely no monetary gain from the use of any person, place or event in this work (monetary loss more like, the amount of alcoholic beverages that were consumed during the writing). Any views or opinions expressed within are not necessarily representative of the views of the author or anyone else. Not intended for children. Batteries not included.
The manga and anime series 'Naruto' and its places, characters and events (in particular the Akatsuki) are the property of Masashi Kishimoto, not the author. Some characters may technically be 'OOC' to the canon depiction, but hey, how do you know they don't act like this off-camera?
Chapter 7
Sasori looked up at Kisame to see a trickle of blood coming from his nose.
"What's up with you?" The redhead frowned. Kisame just pointed a shaky finger towards the entrance to the bar, before getting up and hurrying to the bathroom. Sasori looked over to where Kisame had pointed, eyes widening comically. He vaguely noted a few dozen of the bar's patrons (male and female) hurrying in the direction of the toilets, hands clamped over their noses.
"Dei?! I've never…I don't…what…" Sasori was officially speechless. Most of the conversation in the bar had halted as soon as Itachi and Deidara had entered. The chav girls were now glaring daggers at the pair.
"Sasori no Danna, do you think I look pretty?" Deidara twirled for his audience. The redhead was still finding it hard to speak.
"You look…fuck…"
Deidara giggled, "Not now Danna, later!" Just as Sasori was about to form a coherent sentence a very familiar song started.
"It's astounding, time is fleeting
Madness takes its toll."
"Ooooh, Dei we have to get up!" Itachi raced to the dance floor, grabbing Deidara on the way. Leader and Zetsu looked at each other and nodded. This was the moment they had been waiting for. Hidan drunkenly stumbled his way to the dance floor, Tobi excitedly jumping after him.
I remember doing the Time Warp
Drinking those moments when
The blackness would hit me and the void would be calling
Let's do the time warp again...
Let's do the time warp again!"
They were all singing, well shouting out of tune, along to the music in the manner that has to be done whenever this song is heard in public, dancing in a big circle. Around a handbag. That didn't belong to any of them. Others had heard what song was playing and the group was now composed of two Rain kunoichi, four Leaf chuunin, three members of the Keele University Men's Rugby Team, a male stripper dressed as a sailor from the birthday function next door, two Scottish businessmen, and the guy who used to do the breakfast show on BBC Cumbria. The ever-expanding handbag circle had now taken up the whole of the dance floor. Kisame had come back from the toilets and now he and Sasori were staring open-mouthed at the sight.
It's just a jump to the left
And then a step to the right
With your hands on your hips
You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,
Let's do the Time Warp again!
Indeed, it was the sight of Deidara and Itachi expertly doing the pelvic thrust that nearly sent Kisame straight back to the toilets. Sasori just couldn't take his eyes off his boyfriend. Hidan couldn't take his eyes off Leader, but that was for an entirely different reason.
The song finished and all those who had been involved in the Time Warp Handbag Circle went and sat back down as if nothing had happened. Truly, Sasori thought, it was the strangest thing he had ever seen. The handbag had also mysteriously disappeared back to whence it came.
"I enjoyed that," Leader commented as he re-took his seat. Zetsu nodded in reply. Tobi was still bouncing around on the dance floor with Hidan, both of them trying to dance to 'Build Me Up Buttercup.' Deidara sat down next to his boyfriend, putting his head on Sasori's shoulder. Sasori just tensed at the contact. Deidara sat up, a concerned, upset look on his face.
"Danna, what's wrong, un?" He questioned.
"You lied to me, Dei. You told me you were doing long-range attack practice when really you were going out clubbing with Kisame and Hidan. Why did you lie to me?" Sasori had turned to look his boyfriend in the eye.
"Danna…un," tears were forming in Deidara's visible eye. He had tangled himself in a web of lies and now his danna had found out.
"Just tell me why. I'm not angry. Just disappointed," Deidara nearly burst into tears at the hurt feeling in Sasori's voice.
"Danna, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to keep things from you, I was just afraid that if you knew I liked going out clubbing and stuff you would think that we didn't have anything in common and would want to end it with me. I wanted you to think that I was mature and sophisticy…sophistican…un,"
"Sophisticated," Sasori helped out.
"Yeah, that. I just thought that if you knew you would think that I was just an immature brat. I wanted to be everything you wanted me to be, un," The tears were running down his face now (miraculously his eye makeup stayed put). Sasori almost melted at the sight of his boyfriend and his explanation of his secretive double-life. He held Deidara in his arms and kissed his forehead.
"You silly blond, why would you think that? I love you for who you are, not who you pretend to be. Never think that you have to try to change yourself for me," Sasori explained. "I thought that you didn't want to be with me anymore. I thought you wanted to be with Itachi…"
Deidara gave him an incredulous look, "Ew, Danna, no," he whispered so Itachi wouldn't hear his less than complimentary response. "I love you, un."
"I love you, too." They were about to kiss when suddenly…
"HEY, RED! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU YA BETTER OFF WITHOUT HE/SHE, WHATEVER 'IT' IS! ME AND ME MATE'LL GIVE YOU THE FUCKING TIME OF YA LIFE IF YA TELL BLONDIE TO FUCK OFF!"
Sasori was absolutely seething with anger now. How dare they talk about his boyfriend like that?! He had that insane, manic glint in his eyes that promised a world of pain to whoever pissed him off.
"That's it! I don't care how much Leader wants his holiday, I'm going to trepan that slapper's cranium, scoop out her brains, mix it with blood and vanilla ice cream and feed it to her stupid cronies!" Sasori made to get up, but Deidara's hand on his arm stopped him. He looked down at the smirking blond.
"No, Danna. Me and Itachi will sort this out, un," Deidara nodded to Itachi and the two got up, strutting over to the chav table. The lead chav's smirk faltered when she noticed their ninja headbands. Deidara stood in front of the table, arms crossed over his chest. Itachi was slightly behind him, mirroring the blond.
"I would appreciate it if you stopped hassling my boyfriend, un," Deidara said as he flicked the hair out of his face. One of the more stupid chavs laughed.
"You commin ova here to start summit, like? I'll fucking knife ya!" she threatened, pulling a flick knife out of her pocket. A couple of the others followed her example. Deidara rolled his eyes as Itachi laughed.
"Are you serious? Do you know who we are?" Itachi asked.
"I don't fucking care who you are, we're the fuckin' Byker Crew!" One of the girls sneered as the rest murmured in agreement. Deidara and Itachi looked at each other. Then blinked. Then burst out laughing. The plan was working perfectly. These stupid fools actually wanted to fight them!
"We're Akatsuki! S-ranked, missing-nin criminals! And you want to fight us?!" Itachi managed to say while still doubled over with laughter. This, however, only seemed to spur the chavs onwards.
"We've kicked the shit out of fuckin' ninjas before!"
At this statement Deidara elbowed Itachi and whispered quite loudly. "Yeah, pre-Academy students, un!"
"Without your fuckin' magical ninja skills you're all nowt!"
Deidara just shrugged, "Fine, we won't use any 'magical ninja skills' then," he said as he took off his scope. The chavs got up and cracked their knuckles.
"We'll fuckin' show ya…"
…And then it all kicked off in the style of a barroom free for all. There was much scratching, biting, hair pulling, screaming, and (courtesy of Deidara and Itachi) much punching and kicking. Hidan took in the sight of Deidara straddling one of the girls and pinning her down while choke-holding her into submission, as another one pulled on a handful of his hair from behind, earning a feral and enraged screech from the blond, "NO-ONE TOUCHES MY FUCKING HAIR, UN!"
"Is it wrong that I'm getting strangely turned on by this?" he wondered aloud. Everyone else turned to look at him.
The fight lasted a total of about 30 seconds before Deidara and Itachi were left standing triumphantly over the unconscious bodies.
Just then the hotel manager came hurrying over.
'Drat. Come on Deidara, don't let us down now.'
'Oh well, here goes the charm offensive again, un.'
'He'd better not kick us out. I was enjoying this year's holiday!'
'He better not do anything to my Dei!'
'Oh, wank.'
"Sir…s?" said the manager. "A member of staff reported to me that you had been fighting with a group of girls…"
"Allow me to explain, un," interrupted Deidara smoothly, putting on his best winning smile. "You see…"
"That won't be necessary. These girls have caused untold trouble here at our theme park this week. We had a record number of complaints from other guests about their awful behaviour. When we tried to eject them earlier in the week there was quite a ruckus and unfortunately a member of staff was stabbed, but now thanks to you gentlemen we can quietly remove them before they wake up! Now of course Alton Towers cannot be seen to condone violence, but I think a small, discreet token of our gratitude is in order. How would you and your party like an all-expenses paid VIP trip to Alton Towers next year?"
"Th…thanks, un."
"Thank you, sir," Itachi interjected. "That is very generous of you."
"Right then," said the manager, beaming and pumping Itachi's and Deidara's hands in both his own in turn. "I'll have all the details sent to your rooms before the end of your visit, which rooms are you in?" They told him. "Well thank you once again, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay here." He hurried off again.
"Well that was odd," said Kisame, as the rest of the Akatsuki made their way over. "But a free holiday! Woohoo, go Dei and Itachi!
Kakuzu, who was running up an epic phone bill for Hidan, looked up at the mention of free things. Hidan pounced.
"Kakuzu, you utter bastard. Get the fuck off my phone, you twat!"
"NO!!! I need it! The NASDAQ is going mad!"
With that mysterious statement the last song ended and the lights came on in the disco. "Well, I think that's time for bed," stated Leader, getting up. Everyone began making their way out of the room.
Sasori touched Deidara's arm. "I think I like you in those pants. Maybe when we get upstairs you can make it up to me for not telling me what you've really been doing on Friday nights," he said suggestively.
Deidara giggled. "I could give you a lapdance if you want?" he offered.
Sasori grabbed Deidara's hand and charged upstairs at top speed, knocking several people flying. It seemed he did want. As a bonus one of the people he knocked over was the interfering old woman who had disapproved of he and Deidara expressing their love. So in all Sasori's night was ending rather well.
"Ah, young love," said Zetsu indulgently. "Bloody perverts. I think it's quite sweet actually."
The author would like to point out the following:
Lyrics quoted are taken from 'Time Warp' by Richard O'Brien, and are used without permission.
BBC Cumbria is a local television channel for the English county of Cumbria, a subsidiary of the British Broadcasting Corporation.
The NASDAQ is the American financial market.
