Dearest Phantom Feline,
I will probably need theraphy after this, but I take your challenge.
~ ((Unicorns fart sparkles. That's what Edward Cullen in. A giant unicorn fart. The more you know~~~))
Sasuke's heart rate was dangerously slow, Naruto could hear it clearly and with every slowed struggling heartbeat the blond could hear his own blood moving faster. Sakura was crying and holding the dark haired boy's body closer and he could feel his pulse in the life-giving veins in his neck. In his mind's eye, Naruto could see the fire red, boiling hot power of the Kyubii no kitsune slipping through the bars of the gates and melding with his own power. His anger at this man who dared hurt his most precious people blinded him, and for once Naruto did not care for the slowly breaking seal.
And then he heard someone giggling wildly.
"Ah – ah – ah," suddenly there was a long slender finger waggling to a broken, asymmetrical beat. Each finger in the hand it belonged to was decorated with at least two bands of black each, one at the base of each finger and one at the middle knuckle. Naruto also noticed that the nails were sharp like vicious claws and painted a vibrant, dangerous looking green. The same color as the big, kohl lined eyes peering at him.
This man in poison. His mind supplied in a calmly hysterical sort of way. Poison was unstoppable. It could come through your food, your drink, the very air you breathed. Naruto wanted to grab Sakura and Sasuke and run.
The man, his smile wide and toothy as if he knew exactly what Naruto had been thinking, whipped back from his slightly crouched position violently, his long wild curls flying about in a manner that seemed completely detached of the actions of the body to which they belonged. They settled about the short and slender build of the poison man, like a dark cloud forever following him, and the man made a clucking noise in the back of his throat.
"You best keep that beast under lock and key little fox," the man sang prettily and Naruto felt the same dash of panic he always did when Kyubii was mentioned. "You know what they say~ absolute power corrupts absolutely. Besides, doesn't boiling flesh just sound absolutely uncomfortable?"
Was that... was that a threat?
"Nope, just a warning~~~" The man skipped backwards, never swaying his eyes from Naruto's until he reached Orochimaru who was, apparently, his target. "Oro, darling~" he sang, swinging himself around the taller, paler man so he stood behind Orochimaru. He snaked his arms around Orochimaru, who was fighting vigilantly to hide the absolute horror he felt, holding the man possessively. The poison man rested his head under the snake sanin's right arm after a moment of trying and failing to reach Orochimaru's shoulder, staring at Naruto with a playful smile.
"I-" Naruto stuttered and trailed off awkwardly, not at all sure where to go with this suddenly dramatically changed situation.
"No one likes soggy french toast little fox."
What?
"Hari," Orochimaru finally spoke, trying the push the now identified man's arms off. Hari did not budge and instead held tighter, twisting his head at a uncomfortable looking angle to look up at Orochimaru's face. Naruto could hear the resulting cracking of the bones in Hari's neck across the clearing and flinched. "why are you here?" Orochimaru was obviously trying to sound angry but there simply was no hiding the sound of absolute panic.
Hari smiled and kissed Orochimaru's clothed chest. "Oh~ but darling I couldn't leave you all alone! There are foxes, and wolves, and little one tailed ground hog things oh my~"
Orochimaru failed quite spectacularly at hiding the full body shiver. "You must stop following me about Hari."
Hari's impossibly green eyes watered and he began to pout quite impressively. "But dearest! The little teapot won't be contented with his red head for much longer and soon he and the silverware will try to take you from me! How will you defend yourself without me? Do you know how to battle an endless horde of spoons? The little fuckers are almost as tricky as that damnable albino ferret back from the land of men who wear skirts."
What!
"Besides, I do so enjoy watching the pretty blood you spill," Hari licked his lips slowly, going on tip toe to whisper something softly in Orochimaru's ear.
It takes a special sort of person to sound entirely deadly while speaking of battling spoons, and Naruto felt they were better off not knowing said person. He began trying to help Sakura and the passed out Sasuke up, hoping to get the hell out of there and fast.
Hari giggled again, this time huskily, and nipped the upper edge of Orochimaru's ear. Then he cupped the snake sanin's crotch. Orochimaru moaned softly through gritted teeth and HOLY MOTHER THEY NEEDED TO GET AWAY NOW!
As Naruto ran away, dragging an entirely unconscious Sasuke and whining Sakura he heard Orochimaru murmur, "Why do you follow me Hari?"
Hari must have done something because the snake sanin moaned again and Naruto wanted to commit suicide just for the fact that he knew what Orochimaru's 'happy time' moans sounded like.
"You have such pretty hair~" Hari sang in answer.
A.N: I feel dirty. And so does Naruto. Sakura wants to see more - little yaoi fangirl she is.
Lol- here we go then, this is a Stalker!Insane!Harry/Orochimaru for Phantom Feline. And yes~ Harry's crazy little mutterings do have a meaning so brownies to whosoever figures them out~
Also, I was offered internet babies. Yes. Yes you may have my internet babies so long as the ugliest of our little imaginary bastard children in named Megatron. That is my only stipulation. No, I'm not really a big Transformers fan, I just want there to be a very unfortunate child somewhere named Megatron. This is all.
