6. Keys
Natty leaned over the balcony wall, peering down at the tall, elegant lighthouse, then resting back on her elbows to stare up at the soaring towers of her sister's storybook castle.
"Wow," she commented. "I'll bet Lal could have been a pretty great architect, if she'd lived."
"She told me she wished to be a counselor," Data said quietly, walking slowly to his daughter's side. "And a Starfleet Officer. Like you."
He smiled a small, gentle smile, and Natty briefly rested her head against his arm.
"I guess that's your influence, Dad," she said. "I'm training to be a First Contact Specialist, though, not a counselor. Still, I haven't discounted the command track. I might like to become a Commodore someday. Maybe even an Admiral…" She grinned at her father. "If I were an Admiral, you'd have to salute me."
"If you were to become an Admiral, Ensign Soong, it would be my privilege, and my pleasure, to do so," Data told her.
"Aye, sir," Natty said teasingly, and squinted out at the rose-gold sky.
Data watched her for a moment, noting how she stood so confidently in her officer's uniform, the salty wind blowing tendrils of auburn hair around her pale face, and a look of introspection flickered across his eyes.
"Natty," he said. "How did you know…that you were female?"
Natty glanced at him, tucking some loose hair behind her ear.
"What do you mean?"
"I am curious," her father said. "Did you or your brother ever wonder why I thought it so important that my children should have the opportunity to select their own gender and appearance?"
Natty frowned a little, clearly confused.
"I don't know," she said. "Because we're androids? We're not beholden to the whims of genetics and biology."
"True enough," Data said. "We are constructed mechanical life forms, not organic beings. And yet, although we are not part of the biological gene pool, gender identity remains a significant factor in our lives, not only with regard to our own self-image, but to how we relate to and are perceived by others."
Natty squinted at him.
"What exactly are you asking me, Dad?" she asked.
"I just want to know," he said, "what is it that makes you so certain that you identify as female? What makes Isaac certain he is male?"
"It's a brain thing, Dad," Natty said. "You know that – way better than I do. But…I guess it's emotional too. I mean, when I see a guy…I know I'm not a guy. And…when I see a really hot guy…"
She shrugged, clearly feeling awkward confessing these things to her father.
"Well, I know my sense of gender identity goes way deeper than just my outer appearance, if you get what I mean."
Data frowned thoughtfully and gave a little nod.
"I see…"
"But that's- I mean…not that I ever…" Natty stammered, flushing up to her ears. "I mean…OK, I've been out on dates, but that was mostly a social thing, in groups, and…yeah, I kissed this one boy…not that it went anywhere since we knew we were graduating soon and we'd be off to different assignments but…"
She wrinkled her brow and studied her father's odd, distant expression.
"That's not really what you're asking about, is it," she said, starting to get a little concerned. "Dad, come on," she said gently. "What is this all about?"
Data snorted a little, his amber eyes rather wistful.
"You amaze me, my daughter," he said, and smiled. "Your social acumen is as acute as any healthy, intuitive, well-socialized human's…and I could not be prouder to be your father. You must have come as quite a surprise to your academy instructors."
"Not so much," Natty said. "Most of them didn't even know I was an android unless I told them and the ones who did know were, like, it didn't matter. It's the same way now, at the Embassy. My bosses and colleagues don't really care that I'm a machine, or that my brain is made of silicon rather than gray matter. They all know I'm a living person, just like them."
"Exactly my point," Data said, and leaned back against the balcony wall, staring up at the clouds through the spires of Lal's castle. "Our circumstances have changed…so very much…over the years… Where once Starfleet viewed an android as property…as a mere product of cybernetics research… Enough to…seize…an infant from her father…"
His expression clenched involuntarily, and his pale fingers tightened against the stone wall.
"Today, the fact of our personhood is all but a given," he went on. "And, while you and your brother may thrive in this new twenty-fifth century atmosphere of…unthinking tolerance… For me, the trust required to accept this new reality…not just to acknowledge there have been some notable shifts in attitude, but to truly accept them…"
He sighed, and turned his gaze to the brightening horizon.
"I never had the opportunity to choose my gender or appearance," he said, his voice low with a very old hurt that, though it no longer stung, remained a prominent ache. "They were assigned to me by my father…a man I never truly had the opportunity to know or question. He abandoned me to a galaxy that viewed me as a technological curiosity, left me entirely alone without the capacity to process and experience intense, human-like emotions, never mind navigate the largely non-verbal social networks humans build around themselves. Adrift in this awful sink-or-swim scenario, it took me nearly three decades to manage to develop the confidence…and, perhaps, the courage…to consider myself a person, a life form, let alone a 'man.' And, the moment I did start to believe that…perhaps… Perhaps my masculinity was more than a convenient pronoun humans could employ in place of 'it' when they wished to seem polite or considerate…"
He took in a sharp breath, then opened his eyes and pointed down to the rocky cliff below, indicating a small wooden bench gracefully entwined with roses.
"Do you know why I created that memorial, Natty?" he asked.
Natty regarded him, her eyes tight with compassion as well as confusion.
"You said it was for Tasha Yar. The first woman you ever…well…"
"Loved?" Data supplied. He glanced at her and shook his head, rather sadly. "No. I did not love Tasha. Nor did she love me. We were friends. Good friends. Never anything more."
"Well…she did die…"
"Yes," Data acknowledged grimly. "But she was not the first colleague of mine to perish in the line of duty. Not even aboard the Enterprise."
Natty frowned.
"OK, then why did you program that bench?"
Data pursed his lips, then turned to face his daughter.
"Natty, how would you respond if I were to tell you that you are a beautiful, intelligent young woman?"
Natty's frown deepened.
"I'd tell you that goes without saying. Why—"
"That is why."
Natty shook her head.
"OK, you totally lost me here, Dad. Just…what exactly are you getting at?"
"The first time I truly considered myself to be…male…" he said. "The first time I realized my…external anatomy…may not simply have been the arbitrary assignment of a man who wished only to construct an android in his own image…"
He sighed.
"It was the moment I saw Tasha walk through her bedroom doors."
Data spoke very quietly, his amber eyes distant with memory.
"I watched as she moved toward me with that…look…in her eyes," he said. "She…touched me… And I knew. I knew I was male, inside as well as out, and I wanted her to know that too. The polywater intoxicant may have been at work, but for me… Knowing that she viewed me as the man I suddenly felt myself to be… That was the true intoxicant. In that one, brief moment when our eyes locked, our fingers met… My personhood, my masculinity… It was more than a program, more than any...mechanical response..."
He swallowed and lowered his eyes.
"It went without saying."
Natty's expression widened in comprehension and she reached for her father's arm. He patted her hand, but his eyes remained distant.
"Still," he said, "as Captain Scott once cautioned, one should never get drunk unless he is willing to pay the price the next day. Without emotional backing, my epiphany was not enough to sustain a romantic relationship. Tasha's denial of the event seemed a denial of my realization and for a long time I doubted my perceptions. After all, we had both been highly intoxicated. And then, Ishara…"
He broke off and shifted position, his eyes drifting to the stretch of beach and water where the dock and jet skis had been.
"Ishara was Tasha's younger sister, right?" Natty asked.
"Yes," Data said. "I brought her here once, to this island… Showed her Lal's castle, Tasha's bench… She knew I was an android but, when she looked at me… Somehow, she managed to convince me that, in her eyes, I was a man. It was there when she touched my hand…when she smiled at me… It was like a validation. When she took my hand, she did it in public, in Ten Forward. When she kissed my cheek…we were on the bridge. Tasha had never shown any public signs of affection for me, but Ishara… It was as if she went out of her way to…flirt with me…in front of my colleagues. The attention she showed me brought back that sense I'd experienced with Tasha…that belief in my own masculine identity. I...valued that, valued her, the input she afforded by treating me like...a man... She became so special to me, so quickly... Her betrayal…"
He ran a hand over his face and turned away.
"Well, it set me back quite a bit," he admitted. "After that…I no longer trusted myself or my self-perception of myself as anything other than a machine in the shape of a man. And no one around me seemed much bothered. In fact, some months later, when I confessed to Counselor Troi that I had not yet discounted the possibility that I might, someday, marry… She seemed so surprised! As if the possibility had never occurred to her."
He shook his head, his eyes fixed on the turbulent waves.
"Her reaction didn't hurt at the time, of course, and I certainly don't blame her for it, but it was…most unsettling, and only contributed to my self-doubt. I am afraid I have projected this self-doubt to subsequent relationships. It was one of the primary causes of my break-up with Jenna D'Sora and a reason there really have been no other…special…women in my life…until I met Rayna. With her, now, after all these years… I honestly feel that I have finally met someone who understands me, who loves me for who and what I am, who undoubtedly perceives me as a man, not just a machine wearing the shape of a man… And yet, I hold back. I shut her out, duck away when she gets too close…"
He looked back at Natty, his expression frank, and a little resigned.
"You are right, my daughter," he said. "I am afraid. Afraid of being wrong about myself, about her, of misinterpretation, of…being rejected…again…after all I have accomplished, all I have struggled so hard to become… And I don't know what to do. I do not want her to leave me. Nor do I wish to push her away. But, either of these scenarios may happen if I continue to behave…as I have been behaving. I realize I am being irrational, but emotions are irrational and I…I just don't know how to make this awful terror go away!"
"I think you do," Natty said. "In fact, I think you're practicing right now."
Data tilted his head in befuddlement, and Natty smiled at her father, her gold-flecked eyes brimming with warm affection.
"Tell her," she said. "Bring her here. This place, this island of yours…it's a metaphor, Dad. If you want to open your heart to her, let her into your world…bring her here. Like you brought me."
Data's clasped fingers twitched and he winced a little, his expression vulnerable.
"Really?" he said. "You think… That is…the program is not too…?"
"What?" Natty said. "Old? Dusty? Outdated?"
"Ouch," Data said, but he was beginning to smile.
Natty moved closer, leaning her head against his shoulder as they stared out at the sea together.
"You're not too late, Dad," she said. "In many ways, your life – all our lives – are just beginning. You've locked this program – this place – away long enough. You let me in. Now, extend the invitation to Rayna. Let her see the man you've shown me before either of you begin to discount your relationship."
Data nodded, gently resting his cheek against his daughter's hair.
"And…if I were ever to, perhaps, ask Rayna to—"
"Marry you?" Natty looked up at him and smiled. "I'd be all for it, Dad. Me and Isaac both. Trust me, we—"
"Bridge to Commodore Data."
The two officers shared a look, then stepped apart so the commodore could answer the call.
"Data here," he said.
Commander Kinoshita's voice continued: "We are receiving a message from inside the globular cluster, sir. But the nature of the signal… Well, it's like nothing we've encountered before."
"I'm on my way, Commander," Data said, and broke communications, his amber eyes already shining with curiosity.
"What do you think, Dad?" Natty asked, her green eyes exhibiting a similar gleam. "Could we be looking at a first contact mission here?"
"Unknown. But, if so, this could be your lucky day, Ensign," Data said, and took her hand, the pair of them sharing a broad, excited grin. "This, Natty, is why I love commanding the Enterprise. Let's go see who's out there!"
References include TNG: The Offspring; The Measure of a Man; Datalore; Brothers; Data's Day; In Theory; Legacy; Skin of Evil; Relics; TOS: Requiem for Methuselah; the Cold Equations novels and Immortal Coil.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Writing this 'emotional case study' story was a real challenge for me and I've never really been happy with the ending, so I made some edits that will hopefully improve the flow. These edits include dividing this chapter into two chapters. So, now, Chapter 6 will end here. Stay tuned for Chapter 7: Lowering Shields, coming right after this! :D
