By the time night began to give way to dawn, a still slightly glowing Ronon, McKay and I were surrounded by four jumpers filled with scientists, medical staff, and very jumpy twenty year olds with guns, though the wussy sons of bitches refused to actually land until the sun rose over the horizon. The medical team settled for tossing us supplies from the rear of their jumper, until Sheppard finally began shoving staff out the door. Dr. Beckett the Second was the first one out, covered head to toe in hazmat gear, followed closely by Dr. Keller. Beckett, back from one of his cross-galaxy jaunts, rushed directly to Ronon, who was still snoring happily and muttering about horse hearts (Dude needs therapy. Seriously.). Keller threw herself into McKay's arms, and I will never understand how a self-centered, hypochondriac, high maintenance bitch like McKay managed to bag a doll like Keller. I suspect self esteem issues. Meanwhile, I just laid there like a good girl, quietly bleeding to death from a freaking gunshot wound. I'm not bitter at fucking all...
Beckett barked out orders to his staff, who quickly surrounded Ronon and poked, prodded, and scanned the hell out of him. Once assured that the largest Chosen One wasn't in imminent danger of dying, he finally focused his attention on me and my wound.
"Isn't this one of my experimental bandages?" he asked, surprised. Damn. He noticed.
"Could be," I shrugged. "And on the remote chance that it is, I'd have to say it's pretty effective. Totally still alive."
"So I see," he said with a disturbing smile. "Let's take a look, shall we?"
He ripped the damn bandage off and I shouted in pain and surprise. He poked the wound with a heavily gloved finger, while I tried to wriggle away.
"You're right," he said sweetly. "The protien binders worked brilliantly. You're showing no signs of internal bleeding, and the wound is sealing nicely. The bullet appears to have missed your internal organs. Well, the important ones anyway. I'll remove it once we return to base. And since I'm sure you helped yourself to painkillers whie raiding my office, I imagine you've enough in your system to last you for a while."
"Sadistic bastard," I muttered. He patted my shoulder, then held up a large needle. I shuddered.
"Let's get those blood samples, shall we?" he said happily. I always knew there was something just a little warped about Beckett. Still, he's got a pretty nice- Moving on...
After the good doctor drained me of half my remaining blood, I was loaded onto a stretcher and dumped uncerimoniously into the back of a jumper beside a still snoring Ronon to await the initial blood analysis before we could return to base. Turns out that odd anomaly I found in the vegetables is a microorganism found in trace amounts in pretty much every living thing on that planet. However, the remains of our ceviche showed high concentraitions of that organism. Evidentally, the lamprey thing and the killer worms absorb it in high amounts, which helps them identify each other as not-food. The only reason we survived was because the lamprey we had for lunch introduced the bioluminescent micoorganism into our bloodstreams in a high enough concentration that it fooled the worms into thinking we were kin. Keller assured us that we should glow blue for only a few more nights before it leaves our systems. Beckett is interested in seeing it first hand, so to speak. I'll be meeting him tonight for further studies, heh heh.
So, that's my report. Now, if I may, I'd like to make a request. Please, for the love of Cthulhu, don't ever make me go off world with those lunatics again. They are psychotic, sociopathic, and completely lacking in survival instinct. How the hell they're still alive, I just don't know. Sheppard's elf-ear magic will only go so far. And did you notice that AGAIN it was the non team member who got shot up? There needs to be a warning label tattooed across his ass. Abandon all hope... I still haven't gotten the Bola Kai brains out of my clothes. I will also be submitting a request for wig reimbursments until my hair grows back. End report.
xxxXXXxxx
Richard Woolsey dropped the report on his desk and removed his glasses with a sigh. He could feel another headache bulding, as he so often did after situations involving Sheppard. He rubbed his eyes tiredly. Why him? Shen Xiaoyi never had these personnel issues. Her people never turned routine assignments into life or death situations on a regular basis or- he glanced at the name on the report again and winced- attacked other personnel with kitchen knives. Though, admittedly it was Kavanaugh that was attacked, so he supposed it was understandable. Maybe he should have stayed back on Earth with the IOA. He never had to order aspirin and pink bismuth in bulk back then.
He glanced at the stack of medical reports from Beckett and Keller. They were currently analyzing the test results in hopes of replicating the microorganism and turning it into a gene therapy to allow base personnel to live safely on M2S-489 if need be. Sheppard had already approached him about building a golf course there.
Woolsey sighed audibly and picked up the next mission report, or rather a voice recorder taped to a report form. He closed his eyes briefly and reached for the bottle of bismuth.
Mission report, Ronon Dex. We went offworld. Checked sensors. Fin made us lunch. We got attacked by Bola Kai. Worms ate them. End report.
P.S. Can we have Fin come on more missions with us? She cooks good and brings snacks. Uh, end report again.
A/N: Thanks for reading! I had so much fun with Fin that I hope to bring her back in a future story, as well as perhaps a bonus chapter on the Kavanaugh Potato Incident.
