AN- To answer the questions, I have been terribly ill the last few days, and have nothing else to do. This story has kind of bitten in and won't let go. Shades of Grey is taking a while to update, because I want to take my time with it...make it as good as I can. This one is just coming naturally, and so I'm not holding back on it. Thank you for the compliments on the updating though. I hope I continue the good service.
"Mello? Where the hell are you?"
"Shit, I have to talk to him, don't I?"
"You're the one that offered to tour him, Mello…"
"…Shit…"
"Indeed." Roger chuckled and held his hand out to young man on his office floor. He knew that it wouldn't be accepted, but the fact that he offered it meant a lot to Mello. He'd likely never accept it, but at least he knew it was there…if he needed it. He picked himself up and straightened his blue jeans nervously.
"You look fine."
"Shut up Roger!" Roger grinned wider, trying to hide in under the pretense of smoothing his mustache. Mello pushed his bangs back, glancing at the door, and then back at the old man.
"What do I say?"
"I get the feeling that telling him the truth is out of the question." Mello just gave him a look, and Roger chuckled, slipping his hands into his pockets. "In that case, I have no idea, son. You're a genius though…I'm sure you'll think of something."
"MELLO?!"
"He sounds pretty upset…go on now, don't make him late." Mello nodded, and took a deep breath. Then he strode over to the door and threw it open.
"Matt?" Roger watched him shut the door and just sighed to himself, returning to his forgotten papers.
XXXX
"Mello, what the fuck was that man?!"
"I'm sorry, I just…"
"You just what?!"
"Wasn't…ready. To see you. Sorry." Matt growled and shoved his backpack at him.
"You brought this?"
"Well yeah…I know it seems like a nice thing, but my exact train of thought was that you'd have to come back for it eventually."
"Matt…we're so alike, it's scary."
"Yeah I know. Kinda funny really…"
"What?"
"I didn't have you pegged as a blonde…or being that small…" Mello glared over his shoulder at him, but he was right. Matt was almost a foot taller than he was, lanky and slender. He made Mello feel little, at least until he got another look at those amazing eyes…
Father Forgive.
"Hey wait up a second!" A hand clasped his shoulder and Mello flinched, ripping it off.
"Matt, I said don't touch me."
"Right, Right…I'm sorry…I just don't want you running off again." Mello crossed himself in his frustration, something he solely did when he was unable to think clearly. It used to help. Now it didn't…he stopped walking at that revelation.
Had he fallen that far?
No of course not. So this kid was (beautiful) attractive…that didn't mean he was losing his religion. God forgave the devout, and there was no denying his faith. Mello was repentant, sworn to keep his filthy hands to himself in hopes of regaining God's favor. He would not stray, and he damn sure wouldn't fall when the first cute boy walked by. No.
"Fucking Hell, what a day…" Matt gave him look.
"Mello, it's not even seven yet."
"…That just further proves my point." Mello sighed and stopped walking again, holding his cross to his lips and hugging himself as he thought. In his opinion, if everyone carried a rosary, they wouldn't need to rub their temples when they were stressed. "You know what…screw this. We're skipping today."
"Huh?"
"We're not going to class. Let's just dump our bags in the library, I'll give you the tour, explain everything, and then I'm just gonna relax for the rest of the afternoon. Hell, a bath sounds nice." Mello was walking again, talking more to himself than Matt. "A bath, and then I'll read the new testament, and I'll have dinner in the library and…"
"Mello?"
"Hmm?"
"You sound a little crazy when you talk to yourself like that, man."
"That is exactly why I do it, Matt."
"Huh?"
"Let me put it this way? Would you walk up to a kid with a bible in hand, talking to himself?"
"I see your point."
"Exactly." Mello turned to find Matt grinning at him, and his stomach did this amazingly acrobatic turn. He paled a bit when he realized he couldn't look away. "Matt…don't smile at me."
"Why not?" He looked concerned, and Mello almost felt guilty for asking him to stop, but he couldn't handle that right now…
"C'mon…the library is this way."
XXXX
Four hours later, Mello was leading Matt through the double doors into the library on the west wing. In his hand were a Nintendo DS and four different games, and in his pockets were his bible, a note pad, and three pens.
"Mello what are we doing?"
"We're enjoying our day off. You…you're gonna sit here quietly, and play this goddamned game. Me? I'm gonna sit here quietly and translate the bible into Italian." And we won't look at each other, we won't talk to each other, and I'll retain my sanity for another day.
"You know…you're a lot more uptight when people are around." Mainly you, you spawn of satan.
"I told you I don't like people. By the way…when you do go to class, you're likely going to get a lot of questions about us."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning that the last guy that put his hands on me got a chair to the forehead. I don't like people, Matt. And you've been following me around and practically holding my hand all morning." He got a dirty look for that, but the kid didn't argue.
"You said you'd try, Mello."
"And I am. I promise, I'm doing my best. I can't help it that…I want to lock myself in my room and take manual courses now."
"Does it bother you that much to be seen with me?"
"I…no. It's not that. There's a lot that's wrong me, Matt. You'll figure it out eventually."
"…I'm trusting you, man…that's all. I'm really going out on a limb here, trying to open up a bit, you know?"
"Better than you do, Matt, I promise." He handed him the games and marched over to the window sill, claiming the entire thing to himself as he stretched out on the warm wood. Matt followed, and knocked his boots to the side, taking the other end for himself.
"So…why are you gonna translate the bible again?"
"Because frankly Matt, you're stressing me out." Mello held a hand up, cutting off he wounded reply. "Look, it's not something you're doing, or something you've said…it's just…you. I am not a people person. I could handle this when you…when I couldn't see you because it was kind of like you didn't exist. Now…I'm trying to deal with you being here. In my presence."
Mello looked out the window, but nodded slowly. "It isn't exactly easy for me either, you know…"
"Just…let me get used to it. That's what this is…me adjusting." Matt finally backed off, turning the game on and walking through the instructions.
"This is kinda cool…So, why are you translating the bible again?"
"There are some topics I need to brush up on."
"Whatever, man." Matt got comfortable, and he realized that the other boy had no intention of giving him back his leg-space. He sighed and tucked them under instead, pulling out his tablet as he began writing.
"So…you speak Italian?"
"Some. I'm English, but my family moved when I was very little."
"Cool. Damn…that's not fair." Mello, glanced up and saw that he was talking to the game, not him.
"Have you really never played before?"
"Nope…what the fuck, dude? Get your skinny ass back over here…New weapon? Sweet." Mello just shook his head and returned to his work.
XXXX
Mello couldn't relax. Try as he might, the mindless task of reciting the bible did nothing to calm him down. He fidgeted quietly, unwilling to get up and abandon Matt again, even though his every instinct was telling him to run like hell.
Matt however, was just fine. He was so relaxed, in fact, that he fell asleep there on the window sill, his head resting against the glass and his game beeping feebly at him. Mello was afraid to move and afraid to wake him.
But perhaps now, he finally understood. They'd called him the devil's advocate in the monastery…along with a few other nicknames that didn't bear repeating. After a few moments of staring at the way the grey sunlight caught the red hair across from him, he sighed and turned a page in his notepad.
"I am a heretic, I have sinned." The words came easily, and he wrote them almost without looking, the bible forgotten beside his knee. This was the important message right now. This is what he needed to remember. "I have gazed upon the forbidden flesh of my fellow men with lust in my heart, and I am damned. I am a heretic, Father Forgive."
He glanced down at his page and nodded to himself, looking out the window as he kept writing the passage over and over again. The English moor was grey with winter, and the glass was cold against his shoulder. "I am a heretic, I have sinned."
It couldn't have fit his mood better. "I have gazed upon the forbidden flesh…"
Really he didn't know if he could do this. "…of my fellow man with lust in my heart…"
Be Matt's friend…his real friend. "…and I am damned. I am a heretic, Father Forgive."
What if he rubbed off on him? "I am a heretic, I have sinned."
What if Matt found out and hated him? " I have gazed upon the forbidden flesh…"
Would Matt even want to be his friend if he knew? "…of my fellow man with lust in my heart…"
Would Matt find him disgusting? Could he tolerate Mello's presence? "…and I am damned."
Would it be worse if Mello didn't tell him? If he found out later? "I am damned."
Mello couldn't tell him…he couldn't. Not when he'd…"I am Damned."
Not when he'd become friends…."I am damned."
Fuck, what could he do… "I am damned."
I am damned.
Mello tilted his head back and sighed, his fists clenching. He didn't deserve this…he didn't deserve a friend. He turned the page slowly, as quietly as he could.
However…he also did not deserve this.
Christ, who art in heaven, thy will shall guide me in my time of weakness. I write this confession now because I must say it lest it tear me apart.
Holy Father, I hate you.
I hate you for what you've done to me. I hate you for making me beautiful and then twisting my soul into something so obscene, that you cannot bear to look at me. I hate you for making me special, giving me this mind, and giving me weakness so that Satan may play with it. I hate you for making me something amazing simply so that I can serve as an example to others in need of guidance when you cut me down. You work your will through me, set me apart that I may be seen, and use me to show others right from wrong. If that is your will…I am not to question it.
But I do not have to love you for it.
I have seen your miracles, wrought through these children I am surrounded by. I must ask myself why you would cast your greatest failure in amongst them.
I write this confession to ease my heart, to uphold me in my coming trials.
He paused and glanced up at Matt.
If he is to help or hinder me on the path of your Light, than I shall accept either graciously. If he is to help, then perhaps my devotion has endeared me somewhat to you.
If he is to hinder, than I swear to you that I will overcome him. You made me wrong, Father, but you did not make me weak.
It is a strange thing indeed, to so love and loathe one's god. I will continue your good work. Perhaps you will pity me in hell, if not in life.
Amen.
With that, he tore the page out and balled it up in his fist. He supposed he'd burn it later…or tear it up and let the pieces fly away on the wind.
He felt better.
Father Forgive.
