.~.

A Thousand Miles from Nowhere

.~.

Song: A Thousand Miles from Nowhere by Dwight Yoakum.

I'm a thousand miles from nowhere
Time don't matter to me
'Cause I'm a thousand miles from nowhere
And there's no place I want to be

I got heartaches in my pocket
I got echoes in my head
And all that I keep hearing
Are the cruel, cruel things that you said

I'm a thousand miles from nowhere
Time don't matter to me
'Cause I'm a thousand miles from nowhere
And there's no place I want to be

Oh, I
Oh, I
Oh, I
Oh, I
Oh, I
Oh, I
Oh, I
Oh, I

I got bruises on my memory
I got tear stains on my hands
And in the mirror there's a vision
Of what used to be a man

I'm a thousand miles from nowhere
Time don't matter to me
'Cause I'm a thousand miles from nowhere
And there's no place I want to be

I'm a thousand miles from nowhere
Time don't matter to me
'Cause I'm a thousand miles from nowhere
And there's no place I want to be

Oh, I

I'm a thousand miles from nowhere

I'm a thousand miles from nowhere

.~.

Chapter 7I got bruises on my memory

.~.

Tony lay still and silent on the narrow bed watching the light from the tiny window above him climb up the door across from his bed. He held the thin white sheet and faded cotton blanket tightly in both hands clutched under his chin and waited. When the light reached the door handle, he would push the covers down and wrap himself tightly in the thick robe Ducky brought the first week. In time, his skin would warm slightly, but it would be enough to mark the difference between the cold inside and his skin.

Before the light hit the door handle, Tony heard the click and suddenly the Avenger was in the doorway eyes pinning him to the bed. It was time.

.~.

Tony lay still as Jethro Gibbs dragged the chair away from the wall by the door and swung it around to straddle it facing his bed. "You ready to get out of here DiNozzo?"

"Don't." Tony still wasn't quite ready to meet his eyes, but he could hear the sympathy in Jethro Gibbs' voice. Sitting up slowly, he leaned against the wall in the space where a headboard would be. "There's no point in pitying me." He shrugged. "Won't bring 'em back and I deserve—" He trailed off, barely making a sound.

"Bring who back?" Gibbs asked in confusion. "You're not making sense. You wanna talk to Ducky? He's out there signing forms to get you released." Tony lifted his eyes far enough to see the straight line Gibbs had pressed his lips into. "For the record, no one feels… no one pities you and you don't deserve this!" Tony's eyes snapped to his and widened at the unvarnished truth reflected in his eyes.

Dropping his own eyes in confusion, Tony tried to explain. "All those people …dead because of me." Shrugging one shoulder and twisting his hands together, staring at them critically.

"Did you kill someone DiNozzo and not bother to fill out a report?"

"I didn't mean to." Tony said in a small voice, sliding down the wall and turning his face into the pillow away from Gibbs. "I'm sorry."

"DiNozzo!" Tony tried to curl up in a ball at the sound of frustration in the Avenger's voice. "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. Whatever you think you did, whatever that sonofa—whatever your father said…. None of it's your fault." Tony felt the bed dip and pressed himself in the mattress with a slight whimper. Wait, please wait a minute! A warm hand settled on his shoulder and shook him slightly. "Look at me son." Tony turned his head slightly so he could look at Jethro Gibbs with one eye. "You didn't kill your mother or anyone else and you don't deserve to be punished. Hell." The hand pressed harder on Tony, trying to push him into setting up. "Nobody is going to punish you. I won't damn well let them, if they try." Tony blinked up at him and nodded. It couldn't be true, but it was nice of the Avenger to pretend.

"I know you. I know you would never kill anyone that didn't need killing." He leaned back and Tony missed the warmth of his hand. "I won't lie to you DiNozzo, you've killed before. You've killed to save others, to save me. You've killed in self-defense, but you've never, never killed an innocent person."

He sat up and searched Jethro Gibbs eyes. There was only honesty there. "Then who…" He swallowed heavily and closed his eyes not able to meet the honesty in Gibbs' eyes any longer. "Who are all those people staring at me in my dreams? They look pretty dead to me." He said in a ragged whisper. All those accusing eyes…

"You dream about dead people?" Gibbs said and cursed silently waiting for the inevitable movie reference, but it never came. Tony's eyes never so much as flickered in recognition. Gibbs' shoulders slumped as he considered what was best to do.

"I'm sure they're dead." Tony said doubtfully. "There's so much blood…." Clenching his fists in the pillow, Tony glanced hopefully at Jethro Gibbs… "Maybe… Maybe Ducky saved some of them?"

"You remember Ducky?" How could he lift one eyebrow like that?

Tony nodded and when Jethro Gibbs didn't say anything, he glanced back up at him. Disbelief. Why didn't he believe him? "Ducky took me to the office and then brought me here." Ducky, Probie, Ziva and Abby. "He made Probie make me coffee."

"What did the Doctor say when you told him you saw these people in your dreams? Do you recognize any of them?" Tony didn't say anything. "You did tell him, didn't you?"

"He said I was repressing an important memory and until then I was … I was…" Tony halted frowning. "Some big word, but mostly I was going to be stuck here till then."

"Do you want to stay here?" Gibbs asked looking pointedly around the room. "There's no TV, no cellphone, no… nothing."

"Yes." Tony showed the most emotion Gibbs had seen so far. "I need to stay here." He sat up and leaned toward Gibbs hesitantly. "I should stay here."

"Why?"

Tony flinched at the angry tone and leaned back. "It's safe in here. You're all safer if I'm here."

"You plan on hurting someone DiNozzo?" Gibbs tilted his head to the side. "I won't let you hurt anyone. Especially not yourself."

"Oh no, no it's not that!" Tony leaned forward, hands fluttering in the air. "I would never … well, not on purpose. It just happens."

"What the hell are you talking about!" Tony realized the Avenger had run out of patience and swallowed heavily, pressing his back against the wall.

"You need to stay away from me Jethro Gibbs. You'll probably be ok here, it's a hospital and all, but really... It's better if I stay here where I can't get you all hurt or killed." Tony sighed. "People around me die Jethro Gibbs. You don't want to be one of them."

"That's …that's bullshit DiNozzo. You aren't responsible for everything that goes wrong, every person that dies." Gibbs rubbed his face. "In our line of work, people die. It's not your fault. I've already told you that."

"No." Tony disagreed with a sad smile. "But I'm responsible for too much and looking at the odds … You said I've worked for you for ten years…that's probably pushing it. You shouldn't come back." Realizing how much he'd been talking, Tony ducked his head shyly and picked at the edge of the blanket.

"I thought you'd be begging me to take you home, back to civilization, back to your giant, flat-screen TV and endless movies, back to designer clothes, back to your cell phone and a different woman every week. The last thing I expected was you telling me not to come back and just leave you here. Don't you wanna go home?"

"I …I…" Tony whispered. "…wanna go home, but..."

"DiNozzo." Gibbs moved the chair back to the desk and paused, glancing at the still figure on the bed. "I chose you for my team nearly ten years ago and nothing you've done since has made me change my mind. Besides, Ducky's signing all the papers to spring you. You're coming home with me. No—" He held up a hand when Tony opened his mouth to protest. "You said... you said I was the Avenger right?" He waited until Tony nodded slightly. "Then do you honestly think you can hurt me?"

Tony blinked at him and thought about it for a minute, looking Jethro Gibbs over. He was older, but there was something—something commanding and confident about the Avenger, that Tony recognized. "No." He whispered.

"Okay then." Gibbs slapped his hands on his knees and stood. "Get your street clothes and get changed. Day's a wastin'."

Tony looked around, bewildered. He had no other clothes. Each day a new set of white scrubs appeared while he was in the shower. "I don't…" He began tentatively. "There isn't…" He wasn't stalling. He wasn't. He was ready for whatever the Avenger decided.

"Okay." Gibbs growled and stalked out the door, leaving it standing wide open.

Tony kept a wary eye on the open door. The doctors had been very careful to shut and lock it behind them whether they were coming or going. Only Jethro Gibbs hadn't bothered to lock it when he was inside and now he'd left it wide open. Tony wasn't sure whether he was afraid something would sneak in or he might get out—either seemed a frightening possibility.

Before he could get off the bed, Jethro Gibbs was back with a nurse. With a weary glance at Tony she went toward the sink and pressed against a small indention in the wall and a drawer popped open. She almost laughed at the look of surprise on Tony's face before leaving them. She was careful to shut the door behind herself.

Jethro Gibbs grabbed the clothes folded neatly inside and Tony's shoes, dumping them beside him on the bed. "I'll be outside." Instead of leaving though, he tried to read Tony's face. Never one of his strong points, he felt out of his depth at the blank look in the younger man's eyes. He wasn't supposed to be so … so fragile. "It's alright DiNozzo. I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you anymore." Nodding at Tony again, he walked outside leaving the door partially open.

Eventually Tony moved and slowly dressed never taking his eyes from the Avenger's profile. It made a kind of sense that he would protect him. After all, it was his job to kill Tony, he wouldn't let anyone else do it.

When he was dressed, Tony sat on the edge of the bed and waited.

Eventually, Jethro Gibbs poked his head in and saw Tony was ready. Tony stood and walked to the doorway. With a sigh, Jethro Gibbs pushed past him and grabbed the robe and the notebook and the paperbacks before shaking his head at Tony and leading the way out, waving at Ducky waiting at the elevator. Tony looked around curiously but kept close to the Avenger's heels. He didn't want to be lost or abandoned out here where it wasn't safe.

Once he was safely buckled in the car and Jethro Gibbs was pulling out of the parking lot, Tony blurted out. "I don't want to die."

Jethro Gibbs glance at him in surprise and gave him a lopsided grin that made Tony almost want to grin back. "Me neither." He said. "Not gonna let anyone kill you DiNozzo."

With that he turned back to driving and Tony looked out the side window and felt something hot and tight bloom in his chest. Letting his forehead rest against the glass, Tony clenched his eyes shut and wished desperately to be someone who deserved that smile but knew he wasn't and never would be.

.~.