Finding Love: Chapter 7

Bella Swan"Since every death diminishes us a little, we grieve - not so much for the death as for ourselves"

I sat and stared out of the opened bay window; the scenery peaceful, the animals cheery. It was unreal, it had to be. How could the world outside of this room look so bright when my world inside of this room was filled with darkness and deception?

You may be asking what deception goes on inside of these four walls, but everything in here is apart of a lie that I am tired of living.

The first lie, the one that pisses me off to no end; everything will be alright. Bullshit. Nothing will ever be alright again, not for me.

The second lie; you'll move one. To what? I asked myself. Move on to what? My life is as good as lived and done with. How do you just move on from something that was so true and just? You don't.

The third lie; everything happens for a reason. What's the goddamn reason? What's the reason behind taking a good, loving man from his family, from this world? What's the fucking reason?

And the last lie, the lie that would split at the seams; I know that Jas-

"Bella?" came Edward's warm, familiar voice. "Are you decent?" he asked.

"Yes," I whispered weakly, my thoughts being pushed to the back of my mind. "come in."

He walked in, his eyes sparkling in the light from the open window. I've noticed that a lot lately about Edward. When we talk he sparkles, not literally of course, but his eyes brighten, along with his smile and attitude, depending on the topic.

In those moments he reminds me so much of Jacob in the early stages of our relationship. Every time Jacob looked at me he sparkled like a man in love and to be getting those same looks from Edward frightens me, because I know what's starting to happen, even if he doesn't realize it now, it is still happening. I can not ruin his life. He has all he needs, a child on the way and a beautiful fiancée. Why would he want my baggage as well?

I will not hinder him, and after today I will probably never see him again, that's if I have anything to say about it.

"Are you ready to head out?" he asked eagerly. I wonder what's so special that it has him this excited.

"Yes, just let me get my jacket."

I stood from my spot, walking over to my closet and grabbing my light windbreaker. It was perfectly buoyant for days like this, and I intended to use it.

"Oh, before I forget, I need to make a stop before we get on the way, it'll be short, I promise."

"It's fine Edward. Shall we?"

He moved his arm as I passed, his fingers ghosting along my windbreaker at the small of my back. He treated me as if I were a piece of priceless glass, I was fragile in his eyes, I was fragile in everyone's eyes.

As we walked in the living room I noticed the pointed looks Edward were receiving over my head from Jasper and surprisingly my father. "Dad, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, um, I heard you were doing better from Jasper over here and I wanted to see for myself. I hear Edward here is getting you out of the house."

"Yeah, I guess he is. I don't know where we're going, but I think I need it."

"You do Bells, you do. You've been eating alright I see. Looks like you put back on a few pounds, you look great kid." I blushed, and Charlie smiled down at me, brushing his finger tips alone my cheek. "There goes my kid," he whispered, his eyes glazing. "I thought I'd lost you for a moment there, but you're on your way back to me. I um, I love you kido."

"I-I love you too daddy." I croaked as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

0o0o0o0o0o0

After the emotional morning with my father Edward and I were on our way. He drove down the winding roads, the car heading towards town. I still had no idea where he was taking me, or where the stop was along the way but I was savoring the peacefulness I was currently feeling. Something about being this close to Edward, about being in this small confined space with him was very…serene

"Are you doing okay over there?" he asked concern.

"I'm-actually I feel light. I don't really know how else to describe it besides being very… Oh god,"

"What Bella? What's wrong?"

"I shouldn't feel this…sitting next to you and feeling this way, I shouldn't, it's not right."

"How do you feel?" he asked, trying to edge me on.

"This is wrong, Edward, I can't feel this."

"What do you feel Bella?"

"No, I can't-"

"What, Bella? You can't what? How? Do? You? Feel?"

"Content, sitting here next to you makes me feel content. But I shouldn't. I lost everything Edward, what kind of person that loses everything feels content? It's wrong."

"Do you think he would have begrudged you happiness? Do you think Jacob would make you feel like shit for being content? He would want you to feel that way. He would want to see your beautiful smile, or that heart stopping blush Bella.

"You know I often think that he was the luck one. Despite what you might think Bella, I think he was lucky the one, because he got to see you at your absolute best. He got to see you laugh and smile and enjoy everyday like it would never end. Yeah, he was the lucky one, because for his short life he got to experience true beauty, he got to experience the love of an amazing woman.

"My only wish now is that you heel and let someone else in. Your life isn't over Bella; you still have plenty of love and laughter, and smiles to share with someone. You just have to find him, but when you do you'll know, and you'll laugh, and you'll smile, you'll live."

"No, I won't."

We drove through the town in silence. I watched the street out the window, people walking about, laughing and enjoying the day. I was lost in a memory of me and Jacob on First beach when Edward's car came to a stop.

"The gas station?" I asked confused.

"The place I needed to stop remember? I was running low, besides that we need snacks."

"Where are we going Edward?" he smiled, shaking his head, before he just walked away.

I was playing around with the window, raising it and lowering it when I saw a familiar orange Rabbit pull up along side of Edwards silver Volvo. I opened my door quickly, my feet taking me to the drivers' side of the orange car. I knocked on the window, my fist banging against the glass.

"Get out of the car." I ordered.

"Hey, what the hell lady?" came a familiar voice as the window rolled down. "What are you- Bells? Shit Bells." Seth said as he got out of the car.

"What are you doing Seth, you can't-"

"Chill Bella."

"No, no, don't you tell me to chill. What are you doing, you can't be driving-"

"Bella?" came Edward's alarmed voice. "Are you okay?" He asked as he wrapped his arms around my waist. "Who's this?"

I looked over at him, then back at Seth. Seth was staring intently at Edwards arms wrapped around my waist, and suddenly I felt very uncomfortable with Edward touching me.

"I'm Seth. Seth Black. Who are you?" Seth asked angrily, as his eyes strayed first to me, then to Edward.

"Black?" Edward repeated. "Oh, you must be-"

"Yeah, I must be Jacobs' brother." Seth interrupted, his voice tense and sarcastic. "and Bella's for that matter. Who are you?"

"I'm Edward, Dr. Edward Cullen. Um, I'm a friend of Jasper Whitlock, and Bella."

"Cullen? Carlisle Cullens kid?"

"Yeah, you know my father?"

"He sometimes comes down to the reservation to tend to a few of our elders who can't make it up to the hospital. He's a good man. So what are you two up to?"

"Um-" Edward started as I grew even more aggravated by the moment.

"That doesn't matter right now Seth. What are you doing with the Rabbit? It's supposed to be at the house."

"Um, actually, Jacob gave me the Rabbit a few weeks before the accident Bells."

"What? He never told me that."

"Yeah, he wanted it to be a surprise. He was talking to a few guys around the res. about getting rid of the Rabbit and the bike, trading them in for something safer for the b-" he broke off, not finishing the sentence because he saw me lose my footing and fall backwards.

"Bella!" both Edward and Seth called, but I was too far gone….

0o0o0o0o0o0o

I awoke on a sofa, not my father's sofa, or Jaspers, but a sofa very, very familiar. "Edward?" I called out, my eyes fluttering open after a minute.

"Bella, you're awake? Seth, she's awake!"

"Mom, she's up!" Seth's voice yelled in the distance.

I heard the patter of four different foot steps, before I sat up and came face to face with the entire Black family. My eyes grew moist as I took in all their faces, Billy and Seth reminding me more of Jacob then ever in this house.

"Bella," Sue whispered, taking a step toward me. I shook my head, moving further into the couch.

"Bella," Edward began. "It'll be alright."

"No, it won't. Why did you bring me here? I didn't want to come back."

"Bella you needed to come back. You need to be here. Seth told me Sue and Billy has been looking for you, trying to get you to visit them since the funeral. What has you so scarred of coming here? This is just a house."

"It's not just a house, Edward, it's his home. This is Jacob. It's too close to comfort. I don't want to be here."

"And what about his family, your family; Sue, and Seth and Billy and Emily, they live here and they love you and they're still your family. Are you just going to shut them out because they're too close to comfort? Do you think Jacob would have liked you to do that? Because I don't. This is his family, and Jacob loved family more than anything. I think he would be disappointed in you, shutting them out."

"I can't Edward, it's just too much. Every time I see them I see Jacob. Billy and Jacob has the same eyes did you know that? Seth and Jacob has the same ears, same jaw line. Emily and Jacob has the same hair, same lips."

"Those are good things Bella; to see him still living through other people, to see apart of him living; that's fantastic." He argued.

"No, they remind me too much of him, and it hurts, it hurts to see pieces of him and not be able to have all of him, Edward."

"Bella Black!" Sue yelled, commanding my attention. "You listen to me. This boy, Edward, he's right. Jacob would be disappointed to hear what you just said. He would be disappointed that you have shut us out. We are a family. Yes, we are missing someone important right now, but we still have to carry on Bella."

"It is not fair. It is not fair."

"No, it is not. But that boy is right. You should be happy that Jacob lives through us. You should be happy that no matter what his presence will still be here. Jacob would want you to be happy."

"I can't. I can't because it is not fair. I don't have anything to remind me of him. I don't have someone with his ears and his nose and his face. That was taken away from me along with him. It is not fair that the only man to love me for whom I really am was taken away from me. It is not fair that I have to live a miserable life while everyone else around me gets to love and laugh and smile. It is not fair that it was my husband that got killed. I've been through too much in life, why couldn't I just get a break for once. Why him? Why my Jacob?"

"Now imagine how I feel?" Sue asked as she stepped towards me. "How we feel. Jacob was my son, Billy's son, Seth and Emily's older brother. And he was taken away from us as well. There was no warning, barely even a phone call from anyone, but all we knew, all we got was that our son was gone. Do you know something Isabella? Besides you losing the baby, to this day, that's all we still know.

"No one, not even Charlie, wants to tell us what really happened that night. So, for my piece of mind, for all of our minds, we want you tell us."

"No," I begged. "Please no."

"Bella look at me." Edward directed. I shook my head, knowing that he could get me to, knowing that he could make me tell. "Bella, just tell them. Tell them what you told me. You can do it, I will be right here, holding your hand every step of the way." He assured me, grabbing my hand for good measure. He leaned in, his lips next to my ear. "Please tell them love. It will help you in the end."

I shivered; an effect I knew came from Edwards close proximity. And something else I also did, I gave in. I told them all what happened that night; from the dinner to the hospital with Charlie. I told them all over and over how losing their son, and brother, my husband, their nephew and grandson was my fault. How it was all my fault. They were silent.

"Is that what you really think Bella?" Sue asked, crossing the last space between us and taking a seat in front of me. "You think killing Jacob was your fault?"

"If I wouldn't have picked a fight with him, if I could have just accepted that once in awhile he likes to grab a beer with the guys."

"No, this is not your fault. He tried to get to you. You were hurt and he tried to get to you and some monster took him away, not you. Everyone has fights. Billy and I had a fight hours before you got here. He refused to put up the goddamn milk." She murmured, amused. "So we had a few choice words for each other, but he is still here. Seth and Emily fight all the time, but they are still here. Everyone fights and they are all still here. So no, this was not your fault. You did not end Jacob's life. If anything you started it. You gave him something to live for each and every day. I'd never seen my son as happy as he was with anyone else but you.

"Bella, I know you lost a lot that night. I mean before that night I would never have even imagined what it felt like to lose a child, much less my husband, but you lost all of that and for that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you think this mess is your fault. I'm sorry that you hold so much weight on your shoulders. But you need to let it go now, because neither Jacob nor your son would want you to feel this way. We don't want you to feel this way. You just have to keep the knowledge that Jacob and your baby are together and that when it's your time, when you've lived the life that you were supposed to you be with them again someday. But you need to stop sheltering the blame and you need to stop now."

"I miss him Sue. I miss him every day."

"So do we, but he wouldn't want us to stop living. And you have to believe that he would not want you to stop neither."

0o0o0o0o0

With a promise to be at the bonfire tonight, in honor of Jacob, Edward and I were on our way. We left from La Push, his car going on to the Highway and opening up. Surprisingly the Volvo got big speed on the highway.

Edward drove in silence, his radio providing the conversation for the rest of the drive. I was surprised that our side trip to La Push didn't deter his plans for the day. He seemed to be on a mission to take me where ever he'd planed on taking me. So, even though I was tired from the exhausting morning- I was looking forward to being where he wanted us to be.

He took the one-oh-one west, and then he turned left on the one-ten. I knew the path well, Charlie and his annual camping trips, but when we arrived at the paths end Edward didn't follow the hikers trail, he stepped off of it, opting to follow his own beat. I did not question him, a condition from being in the moment, but I was fairly nervous as to why he was leading us a stray.

It was as silent between us as we walked as it was in his car. He didn't find the need to fill our time with chatter and nor did I. It felt slightly uncomfortable, but it was something I was highly grateful for. Edward always seemed to know when I needed space, when I needed peace and when I needed to talk. He just read me like that, he knows me, but he shouldn't.

The walk was not as I feared it would be. The ground mostly flat and Edward held the damp ferns and webs of moss aside for me. When the path led us to fallen trees or pilled up branches he would help me cross the rubble by lifting me by my waist and sitting me back down on the other side. I was thankful.

After awhile my feet began to fail me. I began to slip and trip over objects forcing Edward to be my savor over and over again. He didn't seem to mine, placing his right hand on the small of my back to catch me before I could even think about falling again.

"Are we there yet?" I asked about two hours in. My feet killing me, not just from the falls anymore.

"Nearly," He smiled looking forwards.

He was right, after another hundred yards, I could see a light dancing in the trees ahead, glowing in bright yellows instead of the green we were so unfortunately surrounded by. I picked up my pace, knowing that if I got there sooner I could have a seat somewhere. He let me lead know, his hand falling from my back. I was not prepared for the…loss I felt as his hand slipped away from my back. It was unnerving.

I reached the edge of the pool of light and stepped through the last fringe of ferns into the loveliest place I had ever seen. The meadow was small, perfectly round, and filled with wildflowers-violet, yellow, and soft white. Somewhere near by I could hear the bubbling music of a stream. The sun was directly overhead, filling the circle with a haze of buttery sunshine. I walked slowly, awestruck, through the soft grass, swaying flowers and warm, glided air.A/N

It was something amazing to behold and I was enraptured by it. I turned to find Edward, seeing him sitting at the forest edge staring at me. He looked enchanted but I had a terrible feeling that the beautiful meadow before him had little to do with it.

We lay perfectly still in the grass, Edward making small conversation before giving up all together and singing to himself. I wanted to talk to him, but words seemed like they would ruin this place, and I didn't want to ruin yet another place fore someone.

Edward said something, something that finally broke through my still thoughts and words. Something I had no interest in tainting this place with, but he seemed determined to get it out. "I'm sorry, can you repeat yourself?" I asked, scowling.

"I said did you know, I was reading this poem the other day? It was about death. It was saying how death isn't always bad for you, how sometimes it's good for the soul. How even in death your relationship with the deceased can even grow stronger. It was also talking about moving forwards in life. How you can let someone else in to share in your agony and they might just end up fixing you."

"Well I don't believe that. My husband is dead, I can't see him, I can't hold him. Death was bad for me. It ended my relationship with my husband. And why would anyone want to share in that kind of agony? Are they masochistic?" I asked heatedly.

[/i]"Death ends a life, not a relationship Bella. Just because he's not here doesn't mean you'll stop being his wife, but you can let someone else in. There's nothing wrong with loving someone else. Just let me in?[/i] And if it takes being a masochist to be with you then yeah, I guess that would make me a masochist."

"Why would I let you in more than you already are Edward? You're engaged for god sake, your in a perfectly healthy relationship with a beautiful woman and she is giving you the most precious gift in the world, and you what? You want to trade that for someone broken and damaged in every way possible? You can't fix me Edward! As much as you try, you can't! Sure you make the dreams go away but You! Can't! Fix! Me!" I screamed.

"Why, why can't I fix you? And no, what I have with Tanya is not healthy, it's not even real. I'm ninety-nine percent sure she cheated on me with my assistant, her sisters' ex-boyfriend, the pizza boy and one of my patients. That's why I get so angry every time Alice or my parents call her out on it. I don't like to be reminded that the 'precious gift' she's giving me might not be mine. Do you even know that's why I stay with her? I stay with her because there is a twenty-five percent chance that that kid she's carrying is mine.

"So no, our relationship is not healthy. I gave a girl a ring and a promise because of what she's carrying. I'm one hundred percent sure that there is no love in our relationship. I think that by me knowing the likelihood, that the child might not be mine, is the reason I keep pushing the wedding back. But yesterday when I went home, and I pushed the wedding back again, I wasn't thinking about the likelihood of that child being mine. I was thinking about you. I was thinking about the possibility of being the one to make you smile; of being the one to make you laugh.

"You're not broken Bella, you're in a state of pain right now, but you're not broken. Just let me in and we can do this together. Just let me in and I can make the agony go away. Just let me in, let me love you."

"You don't love me Edward; you haven't even known me long enough to love me. You just see a girl that you think you can play doctor with, but there's no repairing me. I can love only one man and he's gone. You can't replace him. No one can."

"I don't want to replace him." he argued, standing from his seat in the soft grass. "I just want to be with you. You can't really believe that you can only love one person in a life time. There is no way you believe that."

"Of course I believe it. And you won't change my mind. I knew what you were feeling. I knew it from the moment I looked into your eyes straight on. It's the same way Jacob used to look at me, but you shouldn't look at me that way. I am bad Edward, I destroy, I kill. Even f I could believe in what you want me to believe in, I'd ruin you Edward and I…I just can't do that to someone else. I can't do that to you."

"Why do you care about me? You just made it perfectly clear that feelings for me would basically be disastrous, so why do you care?" He asked crossly.

The tone of his voice caught me off guard, but I responded the best way I knew how, with the truth. "Because somewhere over the past month or so you became Edward, my friend; you may hate me now Edward, but you'll understand n the long run. I'm doing you favor. I'm saving your life now."

"I can honestly tell you that out of everything in the world saving my life is something you are not doing for me." He looked at me, pain etched to his face. I wanted desperately to make it go away, but I knew that would be anything but helpful. "We should go." He said after a minute, turning his face towards the edge. "The Bonfire starts soon."

I nodded my head, my mind going into overdrive. It is now imperative that I get out of here. I can't mess him up too. I can't kill him….Because somewhere along the way, Edward Cullen made a mark in my heart. He broke into the place where only Jacob knew of; where only Jacob had ever been, my heart.


A/N:

The paragraph above has been taken from Twilight, Chapter 12. Balancing. Pages. 256-260.