See end of chapter for Author's Notes.

August 19th.

I hadn't had a home since before the war. I had a place to return to, but I never had a home. I still don't have a home. What I have now is close, but it isn't home yet. Stark let me stay in a room at the hotel. Everyone else stayed there, so he assumed one more couldn't hurt. I couldn't help but feel bad, since he was showing a kindness to me, and all I have ever done was tear him down. I thought about telling him about what I did to his parents, but I decided against it after considering the fact that the hotel was the only place I had. They were all I had, and I couldn't risk losing that.

I hadn't been in a bed in longer than I had a home. I had cots in the army, and I had a cryogenics pod after that. Not exactly the ideal place to sleep. Naturally, when I lay down on the bed in the room that I was staying in, I felt as if I was going to fall. It was comfortable to the point where it was uncomfortable, and I couldn't sleep in those conditions. I couldn't sleep anyways.

The nightmares got worse over time. As I realized how much damage I had done over the years, the guilt practically consumed me. For the first time since I was a child, I cried. I couldn't stop it. I wasn't being weak, I just didn't know what to do with myself. Though I won't admit to it outside this journal thing, I was genuinely afraid and ashamed of myself. Once I calmed myself down, I heard the sounds of water rushing through pipes above me. I was staying in the room beside Steve's, so I assumed that he couldn't sleep either. I still felt bad for that.

Halfway through his shower, though, I heard something else. To the common person, it would have sounded like a creak in wood, but to me, it sounded different. I stood up quickly and silently sneaked out of my room with my knife in my hand, stalking the other person in the room from the shadows. I felt wrong following an attacker in loose clothing, but I managed with what I had. The water stopped and I watched the assassin sneak towards the bedroom. It was then that I recognized her.

When she sat beside me, sharpening her blade, I knew she was someone I used to know. When she stood beside me before Steve and Natalia entered the building, I knew she was important. When I saw her face on the photograph in Steve's room, I knew she looked familiar. Now, it made sense.

She ran into Steve's room after a bit, and I heard a thump from inside the room. I heard her talking in whispers to him, and I watched her kneel to his side and caress his cheek. It sickened me that Loki would do this to Steve. She was just another charm he had to dangle over his head, and now she was going to kill him. I watched her leave through a window. I let her go, knowing I wouldn't attack her like this.

I rushed in the room as Steve gasped for air, picking him up with force. He was heavy, but for once, the metal arm came in handy as I moved him onto the bed. "Come on, punk," I growled, pushing the metal arm on his chest. "You're not dying on me." As I did this, he choked a few times and reached over to his bedside, where a glass of water fell at his fingertips. I moved over to it and sniffed it quickly, and I knew what it was immediately. It was poison, and I was again disgusted by Loki's games. He was going to poison Steve. How lazy.

"This is gonna hurt," I tilted my head a bit, then ripped a piece of the bed sheet off, wrapping it around my hand. I then pried his jaw open and shoved my hand down his throat, getting rid of the residue in his throat, then let his body get rid of the rest as he moved over and spit it out onto the floor. I would have cringed if I hadn't been used to the sight. He seemed to be recovering, but I knew better.

I placed my flesh hand on his chest, checking his pulse. It was irregular and far to slow, which indicated that he had swallowed the water. I shook my head in anger, then grabbed the knife I had brought to defend him. "Hold on there, Steve," I muttered, pouring water - clean water - onto my hand and knife, then pressed it down on his stomach, where I knew it had to burn. I had to get it out as soon as possible, before it did permanent damage. I flushed out as much as I could once the incision was made, then sighed in relief as he sat up and began speaking. I did it.

I looked up at him with a small smile, dropping the knife on the floor, along with all of the other things I used to revive him. He gave me a look that showed his gratitude, and I simply shrugged. "I guess we're even now."

I gave him time to recover, only moving to hand him a roll of gauze I found in his drawer. When he looked back at me, I knew what would happen next.

"How-" he started, but I stopped him. "I'm the only one up at this god-forsaken hour." He laughed at that, but it faded quickly. There was a conversation that needed to happen, and I had to prepare myself for it. I had to be the one to break this to him.

"Bucky," he muttered, looking over at me. "Who did this?"

I could only stare at him for a while. I didn't want to do this, not here, not now, but there seemed to be no way out now. "The poison," my voice caught, and I took a deep breath. "The poison.. I've used it before and so has she. It doesn't cause hallucinations." He didn't tell me he experienced them, but I had been poisoned by it before. I knew what he experienced. I knew what was running through his mind as well as his eyes widened and he stared back at me.

"No," he whispered, and I felt a twang in my heart (which yes, I actually have one) when I heard him. "It can't be."

"I'm sorry," I managed, and I truly was. Still, I knew he had to process this on his own, and I didn't want to be there when he fell apart. He would just hold it in if I had stayed. So I stood up and left the room, moving back to my room.

I didn't sleep that night, and I had a feeling neither did Steve.

When I woke up, my prediction was proven correct. He walked out of his room looking awful, but I didn't blame him. Instead, I just walked his way, placing a hand on his good shoulder. I didn't say anything, but I figured being there for him was all he needed at that moment. When I walked into the room where the rest of the team sat, I sent a warning glare to all of those who looked at me funny. I couldn't deal with that today, and I knew neither could Steve. As he sat down, I sat beside him. All eyes were focused on him, but he didn't seem to care. In fact, he didn't seem to notice at all. I looked around, then took a deep breath.

"Steve was poisoned last night," I spoke for him, earning wide-eyed stares from most of the people in the room. They began to ask questions, but I talked over them. "He's fine now, thanks to me, but he's.. not himself today," I explained to the best of my ability, but he spoke up soon after.

"It was Peggy," he croaked, still looking at his knees. "She attacked me." Stark rolled his eyes, but Pepper hit him and gave him a nod that made him shut up before he could speak. Apparently others knew who it was before he did.

"I wanted to tell you," Pepper spoke quietly, then inched closer to Tony. "I just.. I didn't know how."

"She's under Loki's control, Steve. I know, I saw it when she attacked me," Natalia added, stepping closer to us.

"It doesn't matter," Steve started, and I decided to interrupt him before things got out of hand again.

"That means Loki is still here," I said, looking around at each individual person. "It means that we have the advantage this time. Steve is alive, and I know how to get to Loki."

"He's right," Clint, of all people, chimed in. "Loki thinks we just lost a valuable member of our team, so he's relaxing right now. He won't expect us to come after him."

"I can trace the signatures that lead us here. I can find him," the scientist spoke up. I never learned his name.

"Once we find him, I can send a team in to take out the defenses, another to gather information, and one to get Loki," Stark added, nodding slowly. The rest of the team nodded in unison. Steve looked up, and for a moment, he looked as if he might have smiled. "What are we waiting for?" He asked, then nodded to the team to get to work.

Apparently, that meant me, as well. I was put in the group to collect information, since it seemed that I knew more than anyone else about how Loki worked. Among my team stood Natalia, the scientist - who I now know as Bruce -, and Pepper. On the defense was Clint, Maria, and Stark. Thor and Steve chose to find Loki. When the signal was found, we split up and did our jobs. Defense made it possible for my team and Steve's team to get in without problem, and then we split up to do our jobs. Bruce moved into a room that seemed to be entirely made of wires (or that's how it looked to me), Pepper and Natalia went into a room of files, and I moved ahead to find a laboratory.

I was on edge the moment I entered the room, but something inside of my switched as I noticed what it was for. Workers still tried to set up a chair in the center of the room, and in the distance, I could see them assembling a cryogenics chamber. This room was designed for me. I looked around with hate running through my veins, and that's when it happened. I don't know what exactly triggered it, but before I could stop it, the Winter Soldier broke through. I easily took out workers by the dozen, and destroyed everything. It took a while, but I did it. Anger ran through me and blinded me, and I couldn't stop it if I tried. Once I practically tore down the entire lab, my eyes met that of a scientist. I recognized him immediately.

"Your dear friend betrayed you," his voice creeped into my mind, and his hits still burned on my cheek. His serums still ran through my veins. He, being a coward, ran out, but I caught him in the hallway with ease. I don't know what happened to me after that. All I remember was hitting him over and over again, and then stopping to check his pulse, then hitting him again until it stopped. I didn't stop then, though. I kept hitting him, blinded by rage. I wouldn't have stopped either, if it weren't for Steve.

"Bucky stop," I heard him in the distance, but I didn't. I kept going. "Bucky! Bucky, he's dead, stop!" He called out, then moved to my side, placing a firm hand on my shoulder to stop me. I stopped hitting, but I sat there, taking deep, shaky breaths and staring at the man who I had just killed. I looked over to Steve moments later, then looked around to see a few of the team staring at me. My hands were covered in blood, and the fleshly one was shaking violently. My cheeks felt wet, but I didn't recall crying. All I could remember was the rage I felt inside of me. I let out a shaky breath, then stood up, looking at the man I killed.

I really was a monster.

I glanced back at Steve as I continued to step back, my eyes wide. I didn't mean to kill him. I didn't mean to keep going. I didn't want to be that person. I couldn't stop myself. I was unstable, and I cracked and let the Winter Soldier take over. "I-.. I didn't.." I tried to explain, but it didn't matter. My eyes drifted to Pepper, the woman who knew what I was and still cared for me, who stared at me with wide, tear filled eyes. I scared her. I scared everyone. I was a monster.

"I-I'm sorry," I attempted, but I couldn't stand there anymore. I pushed past everyone and ran out of the building, still shaking. I kept running until I couldn't anymore, and when I couldn't, I hid. For a while, I sat with my head in my hands, trying to focus.

"That was.. awful."

I looked up to see Natalia walking towards me, and then I looked back down. She sat beside me, but didn't say much. She just sat there, keeping me company. I eventually looked over at her, not hiding my fear for a second. "Do they-"

"Nah," she cut me off, shaking her head. "They're looking for you, but I knew you'd be hiding pretty well." She gave me a sad smile, then sighed. "When I left the KGB, I was a lot like you," she started, and my eyes darted in her direction. "I couldn't do it anymore, so I dropped out. I was punished for it, but I had to get out. For years, I attacked anything that came near me, afraid they'd be someone looking to drag me back. You remember how it was. You can't recover from that," she said, taking a deep breath.

I looked at her with a serious expression, but it weakened into one of regret. "How did you recover?" I asked, and she laughed.

"I haven't."

I smiled sadly in her direction, then sighed, placing my head in my hands again. "They're all afraid of me now," I groaned, shaking my head.

"That's not a bad thing. Besides, I figured you wouldn't care what they thought of you," she said, then nudged my shoulder. "Come on, it'll be fine." She then stood up, holding her hand out. "We'll go back together, and you can explain what happened. They'll understand, I promise." I stared at her for the longest time, then took her hand and stood up.

When we made it back to the hotel, things seemed to calm a bit. Tension was high as I walked beside Natalia into the room where everyone gathered, but she moved away and sat by herself, leaving me standing in the center of attention. "I.. I am really sorry," I tried. "You didn't kill us, pal. We were just concerned about you," Tony spoke. For a moment, he sounded exactly like his father. Steve came and stood beside me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. "Let's get you cleaned up," he said, smiling as warmly as he could. He was hurting too, and I knew it. "I owe you one," he added, leading me out of the room.

For once, I actually felt like I belonged.

-James 'Bucky' Barnes.

A/N: Hey! I'm alive! October is such a crazy month, and so I apologize for that. In light of that, I am posting two today, and another later this week! :)