Thank you for the reviews.
Alex was sitting with the sheet around her and leaning against the headboard. Taking a deep breath, she decided to just plunge right in.
When I landed in Iowa, I was terribly lonely for my old life, for...you. I knew my feelings for you had passed friendship and simple crush status, but before I could sort everything out, Valez happened. So living in Des Moines was a new start. Everywhere I looked I saw gay and lesbian couples being out, open, getting married and having families." She looked down. "Having babies." She shrugged.
"I was free to restart my life and if I couldn't be ADA Alex Cabot, I could be account executive Susan Watson, who was just discovering her true sexuality."
Olivia, who had joined her at the headboard, took the blonde's hand in her own.
"Miss Cabot, just how did you go about discovering your true sexuality?"
Alex blushed. "I would jog around my neighborhood every morning and there was a woman. A brunette woman with short hair, an athletic body and brown eyes. We started jogging together, then having coffee and then lunch and dinner and finally breakfast after dinner."
"Did she...was she...did she treat you well? Deserve you?"
Alex looked at her lover and smiled. She touched Olivia's cheek and then gave her a sweet, chaste kiss.
"She was very...noble. Kind of like this other hot brunette I know." Alex frowned. "And that was the problem; she reminded me of you and I realized I picked her not because I had a type, but because I had an Olivia complex. I wasn't dating or having sex with her, I was dating you. She told me she loved me and started talking about moving in together and...getting married, having a baby." Alex shrugged. "And that's when I knew I had to end it. I had no intention of living the rest of my life as Susan Watson. I was determined to get back to my life as Alex Cabot. To you."
"How did she take the break-up?"
Alex grimaced. "I don't know. Once I knew I had to break up with her, I lied to the Marshall's and told them I thought I was being followed and they immediately moved me. I never saw her again. I feel really bad about that, but it was for the best."
Olivia nodded.
"So your good man in Wisconsin?"
Alex gave a tight smile. "Was really a man. I was lonely, but dating a man was just easier. Less messy." Alex shrugged, "Besides, Wisconsin isn't exactly a lesbian mecca."
Olivia laughed. "I suppose you do have a point!" As their laughter subsided, she leaned in and kissed Alex in a less than chaste way. Before it could go further, Alex pulled away.
"I need to finish this Olivia."
"Ok baby."
"After the Connors trial they moved me to Albuquerque." Alex sighed and shifted uneasily before continuing. "My second night there I went out to a bar and got more than a little buzzed." She placed her other hand on top of the hand Olivia was holding. "I was so miserable and depressed at not getting to stay in New York, and mad at myself for not telling you how I felt that night." She swallowed hard and then continued. "So I got...drunk. I got drunk and there was a woman at the bar looking as miserable as I did. We closed the bar down and ended up in a dive motel where we had drunk, sloppy sex before passing out."
When Alex didn't continue, Olivia tried to prompt her.
"What Alex?"
"We woke up the next morning both mortified. I'd never been picked up in a bar or picked anyone up before, and I started trying to explain how I was new to town and how up until three days ago I thought I might be pregnant by my ex-boyfriend and she told me she'd been there done that. If it'd been anyone else, it would have been funny, but since it was me." She shook her head. "We went our separate ways and I didn't see her again for three days." Alex looked at Olivia. "I had to swing by the Marshall's office before starting my new job and she was there."
"She was in WP too?"
Alex shook her head. "No, she was Inspector Mary Shannon with the US Marshall Service. And more importantly she was assigned to my case. Apparently she had been out of state on another case when I first arrived."
"Shit! What happened?"
Alex chuckled. "She informed me in no uncertain terms she was not a lesbian, that what had happened was solely due to her alcohol consumption and she would understand if I wanted her partner to be assigned to my case instead of her. I declined and she seemed relieved and offered to get me a job in a more lesbian friendly business." Alex looked down at her hands, which were now back in her lap. "And she got me to a doctor to make sure I wasn't pregnant."
"And? You weren't, right?"
Alex shook her head. "No."
The sadness in Alex's voice touched Olivia, and she made a mental note to bring the subject back up.
"Anyway, I did go to work for a lesbian owned real estate company where I met Marti and made friends with some other lesbians and gay men who also worked in the office. Marti invited me to Vegas to meet her girlfriend and their friend Michelle."
"Wait, Michelle, the Asian woman, is the...pimp, madame, whatever you got Lily through?"
"Owner of a perfectly legal escort service inside the city limits. However, she does have another venture outside the city where prostitution is legal called House of Sapphos."
"But how did you...you know?"
"We were all out to dinner one night when Michelle came clean to me about her business and curiosity got the best of me. I wanted to see these women who were not only prostitutes, but lesbian prostitutes. And that's when I saw her, Jamie. She looks like you. Well, like you looked when I first met you. She was working her way through college and I wanted her. Actually, I wanted you, and she was as close as I could get." Alex shrugged again. "And it just seemed easier, less complicated to pay for it. And I told myself it wasn't fair to get involved with someone when all I wanted was you." She swallowed hard and whispered, "And if you pay for it, you can be whoever you want. I got to be Alex. I got to hear my name and not Susan or Emily or Sandy. Alex. That's what I heard during sex and that was important to me."
Olivia's heart broke at the thought of Alex paying for sex just so she could here her name. She pulled the blonde to her and began kissing her.
"Never again Alex. Never again."
She pushed the blonde down and began kissing her again and then she was making love to her, slowly, reverently. And as the blonde's breathing and movements became erratic, she whispered, "Come for me...Alex."
And she did, clinging to Olivia and finally tears ran down her face as she held Olivia to her.
"Shhh baby. It's ok. I've got you and I'm not going anywhere."
And Olivia knew she was telling Alex the truth. There were things she wanted to ask Alex about still, but for now they would sleep. And they did.
