For the second time in a week, Amanda sat down across from an IAB officer and clenched her cold hands into fists against nervous waves of nausea.
Ben McCullen was just old enough to not appear wet behind the ears and she sensed that he was a professional who simply did his job unlike Tucker, although at this point she wasn't sure that would help her.
He flipped open a portfolio that was filled with notes and files and clicked the recorder on.
"Sergeant Ben McCullen interviewing Detective Amanda Rollins concerning the events of August 6th, 2016 which led to the death of Robert Duvall." He glanced up at her dark, brown brown eyes and gestured to the mic in front of her, "Please state your name, rank and precinct for the record."
Amanda cleared her throat and leaned forward. "Detective Amanda Rollins, NYPD Homicide Unit."
"Now," McCullen leaned back and flipped through his notes, "According to Captain Tucker, you were less than forthcoming last time you were here. I suggest that you simply tell the truth this time."
"I want to." Amanda nodded, her stomach seizing sickly despite the confidence she tried to portray.
She tried to remember her conversation with Olivia, but sitting here in this moment without her, it was hard to release the fear that held her rigidly in the chair.
"That's good." McCullen nodded, "Let's just start at the beginning. Tell me what happened as you remember it."
Amanda cleared her throat again and took a breath before leaning forward.
"It was late. Past midnight. I'd gone out when I received the call that Duvall had escaped and was most likely headed to New Jersey so I turned around and headed to Melissa Engle's house. We knew that his endgame was going to be an attack on his daughter."
"We?" McCullen stopped her.
"Yes… I was in New Jersey with Lieutenant Olivia Benson from Special Victims Unit, attempting to ascertain some knowledge about Duvall that would help the investigation."
"But you're homicide." McCullen said.
"Yes, I used to be SVU and when I caught the case we agreed to work it together."
"Okay, so you were in New Jersey together but you were separated. Why?"
Amanda licked her lips and glanced downwards.
"We'd had some misunderstandings." She said, quietly. "There was some contention between us and I left the hotel we were staying at to catch some air."
"What were these misunderstandings about?" McCullen asked.
"We've known each other for many years." Amanda said, lifting her chin and attempting to bolster her confidence and believability. "It was a simple miscommunication, that's all."
"All right," McCullen said, his eyes narrowed.
He jotted down a few notes on his legal pad but didn't inquire further much to Amanda's relief.
"So when I arrived at the Engle home Lieutenant Benson was already inside." Amanda continued, "We had a unique understanding of his pathology at this point and we both believed that if we had waited, both Melissa and Sara would have died."
"You made a judgment call to put yourself into a hostage situation?" He asked.
"I wasn't sure if it was one at that point. Anything could have happened. He could have killed them all and I would've been letting a decorated officer, and an innocent family bleed to death while I twiddled my thumbs." Amanda insisted. "I went into that house with the sole purpose of saving their lives."
"But not Ronald Duvall's?"
"Ronald Duvall didn't want to get out of that house." Amanda said, lowly. "He went there to die."
"He went there to kidnap his daughter." McCullen said, his brows furrowing.
Amanda released a sigh and looked away, telling herself to remain calm.
"I went in. Melissa was already critically injured. Lieutenant Benson was disarmed and restrained. My choices were limited."
"So which ones did you make?"
"I attempted to reason with him but it was clear that he wasn't going to lay down his weapons and walk out into police custody. He knew what we had on him and he didn't want to go to prison. He told me over and over that he just wanted to be with his daughter and that he'd come here with the intention of killing his ex-wife, raping his daughter, and then killing them too."
"According to the report," McCullen said, flipping through the file, "Medics were on their way in accordance to negotiations made by yourself and Sergeant Odafin Tutuola."
"He agreed to let them take Melissa's body away but when he heard them coming, he snapped." Amanda explained.
"Just like that?" McCullen asked.
"I was attempting to make him realize that there was no way out other than to surrender." Amanda said, her heart racing.
She dragged her cold, sweating palms over her pant legs and kept her eyes on McCullen's. She couldn't show weakness, especially here.
"Are you sure you didn't encourage him to perform a suicide by cop?" McCullen asked. "You just stated he wanted to die."
"I told him I could help him." Amanda replied, forcing the quaver from his tone. "If he took that as an invitation to attack me I can't say."
"How many times did you fire?"
"Three." She whispered.
"The ME's report states that all bullets were extracted from center mass." He said, opening another file and skimming his finger over a line before he glanced up at her. "Any one of those bullets at close range would've stopped him."
"He was coming at me with a knife, sir." Amanda said, narrowing her eyes and leaning forward. "He had just sliced a seven year old's throat and he was barely ten feet from me. I used the necessary force to ensure my safety and Lieutenant Benson's."
"Are you sure?" McCullen asked. "Because it seems as if you were quite passionate about catching this man and punishing him."
"He was a pedophile and a murderer." Amanda said slowly, "There was nothing I wanted more than to see him pay."
"By your hand?"
"In a court of law." Amanda rebutted. "That's every man's right in our criminal justice system - to be innocent until proven guilty and to face his accusers in court."
"But you ensured that would never happen." McCullen suggested.
"Look," Amanda said, leaning in and fixing him with a narrowed gaze, "Ask me if I would do it again and I'll say yes. I regret nothing except not being able to save Melissa. She was the one who didn't deserve to die."
The bathroom was situated at the end of the hall where it was cool and quiet. Amanda made her escape there and shut herself inside a stall.
She sank down on the closed toilet and rubbed her hands over her face. She could feel moisture seeping from between her eyelids and she tried to swallow back the knot in her throat. She'd been able to keep it together throughout the entire interview with McCullen but now that she was alone, the stress of the situation caved through her chest and collapsed on her heart.
She wasn't sure whether she had bailed herself out or drove the last nail into her coffin.
She felt her phone buzz in her pocket and she pulled it out to see two messages from Olivia.
I'm here 1PP. I have to interview with IAB in half an hour.
Where r u?
Amanda breathed out and bit her lip as she sent a quick reply.
Bathroom. I just got done w McCullen
She shoved her phone back into her pocket and rubbed her face again. She dragged her fingers under her eyes, hoping to scrub away any smudged mascara.
A moment later, she heard the bathroom door open and Olivia's black, heeled boots approached the stall door. A soft knock followed.
Amanda sighed and rose from the seat to twist the knob open. The door swung aside, bringing them face to face.
"I saw your message." Olivia said, softly, reaching out to squeeze her arm. "Are you all right?"
"Yes." Amanda murmured, glancing away to hide the way her eyes glistened. "I want to believe everything will be ok, but I'm not sure."
Olivia stepped closer and drew her into a hug. The warm, tight embrace sucked the strength from Amanda's bones and she sank against her and closed her eyes.
"Tucker told me you came by." Olivia murmured.
"I don't know whether to slap him or hug him." Amanda returned with a short scoff.
"I didn't ask him to do what he did." Olivia replied.
Amanda pulled back with a frown in order to look at her.
"I didn't think you did."
"I just want you to know that whatever happened between Tucker and I…" Her voice trailed off for a moment and she pursed her lips, "well...it's over completely. We both understand that."
"Liv…" Amanda held up a hand, "I don't care about Tucker… Not really...I was just really hurt."
"I know." Olivia said, squeezing her arm tighter. "But it was unfair to you and and it was unfair to Tucker and I'd like to apologize once more for my selfishness."
"Liv," Amanda reached up to clasp her cheeks, firmly and whispered, "Stop apologizing. Please."
Olivia's gaze fell away from her for a moment and she sighed, "I just want you to understand that I paid the price for my own mistakes before we ever saw each other again. You weren't alone in your pain or your anger."
"I think I know that now." Amanda whispered.
"I just don't want you to think I resent you for what you've done in anger." She murmured, "And maybe not being able to sit for a week is all I deserve."
"Stop." Amanda breathed, pressing her eyes shut. "I'm humiliated and guilty about what I've done to you."
"Just don't hate yourself for it." Olivia insisted, her voice growing tender, "I love you so much and you've spent so much time being sad. All I want to do is to make sure you never are again."
Tears pricked Amanda's eyes and a trembling smile rose to her lips. For the first time in a very long time, she wanted to cry in happiness rather than anguish or anger. The fluttering sensations in her heart and chest were foreign but she found herself hungry for them, as if she'd been starving this entire time.
"I love you too." She managed to whisper, rubbing her thumbs softly over the bronzed apples of Olivia's cheeks.
The beauty of the woman in front of her, proclaiming her undying love to her was not lost on her; rather, it impacted the surreal moment and she could hardly believe that the last two days were real. The fact that they could've been happy together much sooner lingered in the back of her mind, but she finally chose to put the past where it belonged - behind them.
1 week later
The coffee shop at the corner of the street boasted advertisements for pumpkin spice lattes and other fall refreshments while brittle leaves from the sidewalk trees rattled by. The sun shone warmly despite a cool breeze and Amanda and Olivia had chosen a small table outside where they could watch the scenery pass by.
Amanda supposed that Olivia was doing her best to distract her from the weight of the IAB investigation hanging above them. They hadn't yet made a verdict and the suspension remained, keeping Amanda restless. Olivia wasn't able to tell her what she'd said in her interview due to the confidentially of the investigation, but she assured Amanda over and over again that whatever happened, they would be all right. The unknown, however, swirled above her like a giant black cloud.
Her mind only seemed to slow when they were together but perhaps this was going to be the new normal, a state of mind from which she couldn't escape and didn't want to. The past week seemed like a dream, especially when they were together. At times, she'd look down at their fingers intertwined or glance over at Olivia's profile when she was unaware and she would feel crushed by the weight of sudden happiness and love that would fill her. Other times, when they were lying naked between the sheets in the quiet, she would wrap her arms around Olivia's warm body and cry into the sheets for the sheer happiness and gratefulness that seemed to stampede her every time she remembered how far they'd come.
Sitting here at the this little coffee shop, sipping identical drinks, Amanda thought that life could only be better if the IAB investigation was over.
"How long do you think this will take?" Amanda asked, wondering aloud more than she was actually seeking an answer.
"Stop thinking about it." Olivia advised, sipping her coffee. "I brought you here to relax."
"I know." Amanda sighed out. "You were lucky that Tucker saved your ass or else we'd both be twisting right now."
Olivia scoffed, her nose wrinkling, "You know I would've rather taken the heat."
"I'm sorry," Amanda said, reaching for her hand, "It's just hard to think everything you've worked for your entire life may be over."
"I think they'll understand that you're a good cop who just needs some time to get her head together." Olivia said, softly, squeezing her hand in return.
In the shimmering light of the rising sun, the gold and auburn nuances of her eyes and hair shone bright, washing away the furrow of her brow, but highlighting the soft smile of her lips. Amanda's breath caught in her throat at the radiant image and she pulled her closer.
"Thank you for pulling me out of bed." She murmured, their noses brushing before she kissed her gently.
Olivia squeezed her hand tighter, her lips curling upwards beneath Amanda's.
"Of course." She murmured.
Amanda sighed out as she leaned back, "You make me want to take you right back there though."
Olivia chuckled, the low vibration pushing Amanda's heart towards bursting point. Was it even possible to be this happy with someone?
"Maybe later." Olivia said, demurely, taking another sip of her coffee.
Amanda was about to make her own sensual reply when her phone began to jangle.
"Dammit." She cursed, snatching it from her pocket, "I should've left it off."
"Maybe it's important." Olivia said, leaning in to catch a glimpse of the caller ID.
Amanda's stomach dropped when they both saw Jen's name on the screen. She glanced over at Olivia before quickly answering it.
"Hey, Jen, what's up?" She said, trying to keep her voice from trembling.
"Hi, Amanda," Jen greeted her, "I've just spoke with Sergeant McCullen."
"Oh…" Amanda said, breathlessly, before swallowing, "Okay, what'd he say?"
"First of all, he wanted to convey that this result is because Lieutenant Benson spoke so highly of you." Jen said, causing the first beginnings of relief to trickle through her thought her heart still pounded.
"Okay." She said, barely above a whisper.
"Your suspension is going to continue while you seek further therapy, however, if within three months time you are able to pass the psych eval, you will be immediately reinstated."
All Amanda could hear was the heavy thudding of her heart as the relief rushed over her, leaving her feeling both emotionally devastated and overwhelmingly giddy. Tears sprung to her eyes and she spun towards Olivia to see the other woman smiling widely at her.
"I told you." Olivia whispered, squeezing her arm and shaking it.
"Oh my god, thank you so much, Jen." Amanda panted.
"You're welcome." Jen said, wryly. "But I hope we never have to work together again and I mean that in the best way possible."
"I swear to God - and I don't even believe in Him - that you'll never see me back there again." Amanda promised through tears.
"Congratulations, Amanda." She said, "And good luck to you."
"Thank you, thank you." Amanda cried before hanging up.
She tossed her phone to the table and lunged into Olivia's arms, sobbing in relief and happiness. Olivia's arms wrapped around her, winding tight and secure.
"I knew it'd be all right." She murmured into Amanda's hair.
"Because you spoke up for me." Amanda cried, pulling back to look into her eyes. "After all I've done-"
"Shh." Olivia hushed her, petting a hand over her cheek and wiping away the tears. "That's the past, remember?"
"I know but…" Amanda trailed off, her eyes trailing over Olivia's face in wonder. "I just can't figure out how I'm so lucky to be here with you."
Olivia smiled, her own eyes glistening.
"Because you chose to thrive on happiness rather than anger," She whispered through the tears, "And I couldn't be more proud of you."
Amanda shook her head wordlessly before folding herself against Olivia's chest again, gasping for a breath between the waves of joy that seemed to steal through every fiber of her being.
"I love you." She whispered.
"I love you too." Olivia murmured, patting her back.
Minutes passed into an hour as they stayed in each other's arms. Their coffee cooled and the warmth of the sun dried their tears with ever brightening rays of autumn light.
A new season had come and with it a new reason for waking and breathing and living. God may not exist but on some elevated plane of existence this enraptured love did and it was all the conviction that Amanda needed to lift her head up again and believe.
