8-7 The Lost My Mind Show
Attic. Where else. Bifi is scrying over a map of the US. Teshik and Paige enter.
Teshik: Mornin', Retard. Any success in...uh...you...but...uh...
Paige: What's with him? (smacks Teshik in the back of my head)
Teshik: Thanks. I needed that.
Paige: Care to explain what it was?
Teshik: Deep conscientious conflict. I...actually had something nice to say. About...(his head tilts towards Bifi) .
Paige: And what would this be?
Teshik: That the hair of ...(he points towards Bifi while looking the other way)...is pretty darn good-looking the way it is. And furthermore? No eyeshadow and almost decent clothing. She...could even pass as a human being this way. Maggot-necked, but human.
Bifi: (sounding very tired) Why, thank you Teshik for complimenting me. And that even though I didn't flat-ironing my hair and put on make-up this morning
Teshik: And then again, when she opens her mouth...You disfigure yourself on purpose that way? Why?
Bifi: Well...
-FLASH-
High School.
Teen Bifi: But I can change, Eric! Please!
Eric: What could you do to possibly detract me from that god-awful maggot-neck of yours? Paint on a gallon of eye shadow, dye your hair blonde, stuff out your bra, get me drunk, and bribe me with money, and I still won't fuck you.
Teen Bifi: (to herself) Only one way to find out...
---
Later, at Erics home. He wakes up.
Eric: God, that was a fucked up dream. (He rolls over, and to his horror sees Teen Bifi on the other side)
Teen Bifi: Oh really? Tell me about it, honey. After all, I'm Teen Bifi. You can tell me anything!
Eric: But I thought...you...I...oh God...did we...? (Teen Bifi nods) Oh HEEEELLLL!
Eric, still naked, stumbles out of his bed towards his window, and jumps right through it.
Teen Bifi: Shit. Note to self: No boys in higher-altitude apartments.
-FLASH-
Bifi:...I don't wanna talk about it. Suffices to say it brings me luck. Kinda.
Teshik: I would ask you why you aren't applying it now, since you need luck to find your stoopid sister, but a smart inner voice of me just told me not to.
Paige: How are you trying to find her, anyways?
Bifi: Well, I used a spell to tune in the crystal on the person who needs me the absolutely most at this moment. This surely must be my sister. And if not, it is another poor fellow who really needs me to be there. For the last few minutes, I have zoned in on Chicago. I still can't pinpoint the exact location, but im sure she is there somewhere.
Teshik: Chicago? Hmm...(he steps nearer. The crystal suddenly jerks up and hovers in the air, pointing directly towards Teshik.)
Paige: What the fuck?
Bifi: (perks up) Sis? Are you glamoured?
Teshik: Oh, can it, doofus. And give me the crystal for a moment.
Bifi hands him the crystal. He holds it, and it hovers in the air like before, but now, it points towards Bifi.
Teshik: Ah. (to Bifi) You really are as dumb as you're tall, right?
Bifi: What do you mean?
Paige: You somehow managed to screw up the spell. It does point out the person who needs you the absolutely least at this moment.
Teshik: And while we're at things you don't need at the moment: It seems it never occured to you that your sister was taken by a demon, now does it?
Bifi: Of course it did, silly! This is why I have to find her!
Teshik: Bifi? Demons normally doesn't kidnap little children to raise them as their little demon offsprings. They prefer to kill them. That's why the Charmed Ones are normally after them. Your sister was taken over a decade ago. The most likely scenario is that Mr. Not-Demon-Of-The-Opera took her home to eat her internal organs while she was still alive and conscious, and all you can scry for now is a mummified heap of ancient demon poo.
Bifi: (eyes filling with tears) But...my sis...she...WAAAAH! (runs out of the room, crying)
Paige: You know, that was cold and heartless.
Teshik: What? You know I'm definitely not the most polite person in the world. Plus, one of you could have discussed the dead sister part with her before.
Paige: Actually, we did.
Teshik: And? What did she say?
Paige: Nothing, really. She just blinked. After a few times, we stopped trying.
Teshik: Well then, be thankful I finally crammed it into her skull today.
Paige: And probably completely shattered her fragile psyche.
Teshik: One can only hope. Aren't you going to comfort her?
Paige: Meh. Peptalk is Leo's job. What am I, her whitelighter?
Teshik: Technically, yes.
Paige: Let me rephrase that. What am I, her competent and caring whitelighter?
Teshik: Better. How about we get some Fruit Loops?
Paige: Okay.
--
Kitchen. Paige and Teshik enter. Leo and Piper are already there, discussing the shopping list.
Paige: Hey Guys. Whassup?
Leo: Honey?
Piper: (annoyed) Yeah, what?
Leo: No, I meant do we need honey?
Piper: (gives him a nasty look, then searches the kitchen cabinet) Yes. Put it down the list.
Paige: I'm very certain she didn't add „you stupid asshole" at the end, but I'm still sure I heard it.
Teshik: Oh joy. Sniping and screeching. I feel so at home all of a sudden.
Piper: (sniping) We're not sniping. Everything's peachy.
Phoebe barges in, snatches the newspaper.
Phoebe: Hey guys, could we get over the exposition blather real quick? I have men to fu...I mean, I have errands to run.
Teshik: Then again, my sister would never appear in her nephews clothing. Phoebe? You got an asscrack on the front.
Phoebe: Yeah. Isn't that great? I bet you and Leo would get horny as hell if I didn't mask myself with this newspaper.
Teshik: Ew. No. Why should we?
Phoebe: I saw this on Discovery Channel the other day. Apparently, when Man began to walk on two legs, the primary sexual organ wasn't in plain sight anymore. So women developed breasts, to remind the men there's still an ass around somewhere on us.
Paige: (looks down onto her gazongas) You mean these are really my third and fourth ass cheek?
Phoebe: In a way, yeah.
Paige: Evolution sucks.
Teshik: I agree. Also, I have this weird urge to kick you in the FunBags now all of a sudden. Could we change topic, please?
Paige: Yeah. Exposition. I wanna get back my old job at SOCIAL SERVICES, and my car's running on fumes, so could I borrow your car?
Teshik: WHY DON'T YA ORB THE FUCKING GUN YA DIM BITCH!
Everyone stops for a second to look at him.
Paige: Huh?
Teshik: Ahem. Sorry. Reflex. Carry on.
The Manor Morons resume their respective activities.
Phoebe: No, I need my car today. Why don't you ask Piper?
Piper: (to Leo)...and when I say I need TWO cans of corn, I MEAN TWO cans, not ONE, not THREE, I need TWO!
Paige: No way. I want to live.
Leo: (pissed) Fine. And how many cartons of eggs does the almighty Piper need?
Phoebe: Oh, I don't need eggs. Eggs I have, it's the sperm I need.
Paige: Gross.
Teshik: Totally.
Phoebe (reading the ads, mumbling to herself) ...extra large...call 555-LUBRICATE...hm. Oh well, gotta go, there's a sale on much needed chemicals, er... spell...components I have to get. See ya! (She leaves).
Piper: Chemicals? That reminds me. Leo? Die.
Leo: Fuck you, too.
Piper: No, Fuckwit, I meant we need DYE. Hair Dye. Dolt.
Paige:(to Teshik) We're out of Fruit Loops, but we still have Lucky Charms cereal that keeps appearing here for some reason. Want some?
Teshik:(to Paige) Shh, don't interrupt. She might blow him up any minute now. (grabs the cereal box without looking)
Leo: You could have said hair dye in the first place, you shrew.
Piper: Don't get me angry, you no-good husband of mine. You can't handle me angry.
Leo: You know what? Screw this. Make your goddamn shopping list alone! (throws the pen onto the table, stands up and leaves)
Piper: Leo? Come back this instant! Don't you dare walk away from me! LEO!
She flings out her hands into the general direction of the empty hallway. In the same instant, all light bulbs in the room and several coffee mugs explode. So do the cereal bowls of Paige and Teshik, showering both with cereal and milk.
Paige: So much for breakfast.
Teshik: I know why I don't come here with good clothing anymore. (both wipe cereal off their faces)
Paige: This is definitely getting out of hand now.
Teshik: Yeah. I'll go after the Dolt. You stay here and calm down Carrie.
---
Bathroom. We see a silhouette behind the shower curtain ...well, showering. Duh. Sam, Sam the Whitelighting Man orbs in.
Sam: Hello...oh, sorry. I didn't know you were showering. It's me, Sam, your Dad. I really need your help right now, it's because of an old charge of mine...Will you help me? (notices the clothing on the floor) Hey, since when are you wearing glasses?...Why aren't you saying anything?
Paige: (looking through the bathroom door) Hey, are you done yet, I'm getting all sticky...Sam? What are you doing here?
Sam: But...when you're there...
Teshik:(from behind the shower curtain)...then you are a goddamn idiot because you can't discern between your own daughter and a short-haired GUY. Now get out, you pervert!
---
Five minutes later, second floor hall. Teshik exits the bathroom, dressed and drying his hair with a towel. Paige hastily flees inside to get the cornflakes off her.
Sam: Erm. Sorry for that.
Teshik: I had worse experiences. Although, haunting your adult daughter while she's in the shower is considered creepy in this country. Or any other. Just sayin'.
Sam: Well, actually I wanted to orb into the dining room, but the damn thing moved again.
Teshik: Yeah, I know. It's even worse on Tuesdays.
Sam: So... are you two...you know...?
Teshik: We two are wh...what? No. That one was...a freak accident involving cereal. Plus, Paige doesn't shower after a nookie. You should know that, Sam.
Sam: How do you know who I am? I haven't been here for three years!
Teshik: Buddy? I was there when you and Paige first met. Don't you remember?
-FLASH-
Back alley. Teshik - version '02 (sporting an unfortunate short haircut) and Paige - version '02 (with red hair and a /very/ red lipstick – but without spasms) are strolling in.
Teshik (with slight German accent) ...but you haven't met Phoebe before she fell for Cole. Hell, she vas likable. And not everything revolved around her. And ever since Piper got pregnant, she's not much help either, since she's alvays occupied with stoopid majickal hijinks.
Paige: I know. But we'll get around that eventually. It'll get better. You'll see.
Teshik: Your vord in God's ear. Hey, vatch out!
Sam gets thrown onto the street by the barkeeper. He lands directly in front of Paige's feet, and proceeds to vomit onto them.
Teshik: Heh. I have told you you shouldn't vear your best shoes to meet your charge.
Paige: (grimaces)
-FLASH-
Sam: Oh. Now I remember. But somehow, I don't recall the rest of it...
Teshik: You will. Especially if I don't finally get a life in the next five years.
He finished drying himself and throws the towel into a nearby laundry basket. His hair looks like a hedgehog recently escaped from Chernobyl.
Sam: Aren't you going to comb...er...that?
Teshik: Nah...just wait a few seconds.
We see his hairs moving and folding itself neatly into Teshik's usual side parting.
Sam: Impressive. Is there a spell involved?
Teshik: If it's a spell, it's a curse. No matter what I do, it stays like that.
Sam: Won't cutting it help?
Teshik: I tried it a few years ago. Looked like ass on toast, as you've seen in the flashback.
Sam: So... are we continuing to talk about your weird hair for the next two pages, or will we finally get on with the story?
Teshik: Dude, you so do not know how tedious, repetitive and boring the original was. I'm trying to divert myself with stuff like that to forget what really happened. There's a reason it's January and this still isn't done.
Paige, freshly dressed, appears in the doorframe. The two men don't notice her.
Sam: Come on, it's not that bad. This week, Paige and I will rehash the abandonment issues and her distance towards me, but at the end she will recognize me as her dad again, even though theres no logical reason for her.
Paige looks at him, grimaces, then quickly reaches a decision.
Teshik: And this is supposed to be not crap, like, how?
The two of them hear hasty footsteps, the opening of the front door, more (distant) footsteps, and a car speeding away.
Sam: I guess that means she didn't like the subplot like I do.
Teshik: You know what aggravates me most? The fact she still didn't think of orbing.
--
Cut to Phoebe, sitting in an unknown room with her asscrack sweater, filling out a mysterious form. Her cell phone rings. The display says „Paige's Cell".
Phoebe: Hello?
The scene splits into one of those irritating telephone call shots.
Teshik: (imitating Paige's voice – badly) Hello, Phoebe. It's me, your sister Paige. I have just fled my subplot because it utterly sucks and am currently working my way into outer Afghanistan. Only I'm too dim to remember I could be there in a matter of seconds. Now Sam's A-Plot issues remain unsolved until I find a replacement. So I'm nominating you.
Phoebe: Sorry, Paige, but I'm, like, really entangled in my issues right now, so I can't help you right now.
Teshik: (drops the act) Phoebe, it's me. Teshik.
Phoebe: Wow, Paige. You really can imitate people. You even got his pronounciation error right.
Teshik: (blinks) What pronounciation error ?
Phoebe: Yeah, exactly that. Hey, wanna hear my Leo imitation? (lowers her voice by an octave) „Your powers come from your emotions, girls! Hey, I look really good in flannell!" Hee.
Teshik: What pronounciation error ? Oh, screw that. Feebs, will you help me with Sam and his no-good charge?
Phoebe: Sorry, I'm really in the middle of things right now. And besides, he's your dad, and since he's not planning on impregnating me, I'm not interested.
Teshik: He's not my Dad!
Phoebe: Buh bye, sis. Love ya! -click-
She hangs up. The split screen ends. Teshik stares into the receiver.
Sam: (standing behind him) So, what she'd say?
Teshik doesn't look at him, but flips him off. Silently cursing, he dials another number. The Screen splits up again, only this time, in a public park. With blossoming roses. Even though this episode takes place a few weeks after Halloween. This time, it's Piper. Her cell phone's display reads „The /other/ annoying little sister."
Piper: Yeah, what is it?
Teshik: (imitating Phoebe's voice – as bad as Paiges) Hi, Piper, I am Phoebe. I totally wrapped myself up in my stupid impregnation issues, so I am not going to help Sam or my sister in their A-Plot because I so totally don't care. So I'm dumping this in your lap.
Piper: No, you won't. Because one – I am currently deep in my own neverending subplot issue, and two, you're her sister too, you know. So be a little supportive.
Teshik: (no longer imitating anyone) I am not her sister, dammit!
Piper: Wow. You're good at imitating Teshik. You even got the pronounciation error right. Oh well, gotta go. Love ya, sis. -click-
Teshik stares at the phone, then blows a minor gasket. With an unarticulated scream, he throws the cell phone into one of solarium windows. It shatters satisfyingly. He breathes slowly in and out, then gets his own cell phone out of his jacket and dials Pipers number again. Pipers display now reads „That annoying fuckwit with his plothole issues".
Piper: Hey. What do you want?
Teshik: If you ever encounter a demon with a two-digits IQ ? You guys are sooo dead. Also, you need a new window. What I want? The A-Plot really needs to get moving. And Paige bailed, so you have to get here.
Piper: No can do. We're about to see a magical quack who's supposed to save our marriage from failure again. Which is, by the way, your fault.
Teshik: Mine? No way.
Piper: Well, you told Leo to get us here.
Teshik: No, I suggested tried-and-true make-up sex. Off-screen make-up sex, to be on the safe side. I don't want to be squicked out by bottles again for the next two months.
Piper: Anyway, I am supposed to sit around and endure the upcoming hijinks. So, you'll have to deal. (thinks) Why don't you ask Agent Idiot for help? He sure has resources.
Teshik: I think we can ignore Agent Idiots forgettable role in this review, thank you very much.
Piper: There's still another character in the opening credits you could ask, you know.
Teshik: Do I have to dignify this with an answer?
Piper: Come on. Bifi is a smart and resourceful young woman. You should give her a chance.
For a moment, both are standing silent. Then both begin to laugh.
Piper: Hee hee heh. I know, I know. I'm shocked I got this out with a straight face.
Teshik: Hee.
Piper: Heh. (sobers up) I'm sorry Teshik. But unless one of us returns home, you're on your own. See you later. -click- (end split screen)
Teshik stares daggers into his cell. Sam walks up to him.
Sam: So, what now?
Teshik: Now? You're gonna give the rest of the exposition. And step on it.
Sam: My charge John Dope disappeared without a trace in 1955. I haven't heard from him since, but apparently he got into a car accident today. Only he hasn't aged a day. I suspect someone demonic after him.
Teshik: Fine. (holds out his hand) Room 305, Broom Closet, The Only Hospital In San Francisco.
Sam: Huh?
Teshik: Orbing?
Sam: Oh. Sorry. (grabs his hand, both disappear in a cloud of orbs)
--
Hospital room, John Dopes room. Teshik and Sam enter.
Sam: What now?
Teshik: Now? We orb back to the manor.
Sam: But the exposure risk!
Teshik: Is negligible. An unknown man gets hit by a car and then disappears from the hospital. The Magic Exposure is where?
Sam: Oh.
Teshik: Come on. Orb us back. (Grabs Sam's arm and John Dope's shoulder, they disappear)
--
Manor, the Solarium.
Teshik: What're you waiting for? Heal him!
Sam: But...if he wakes up...he doesn't know about magic...
Teshik: Sam? Your charge got hit by a car. From the looks of it, quite hard. Do you like your charges in pain? Plus, he got chased by a demon. He probably knows anyway. Heal him!
Sam: Well...okay.
He applies the whitelighter tingly touch. John's wounds heal, he continues to sleep. Sam and Teshik sneak out into the hallway.
Teshik: (looks at his watch) 3 minutes, 52 seconds. Not bad. Certainly faster than usual.
Sam: And what're we gonna do now?
Teshik: Now we'll get us some Sandwiches, do a little research on the Demon Of The Week, and wait for Piper and Leo to return from their marital hijinks. Because Jay Dee will wake up in precisely that moment. Trust me.
Sam: But...we are supposed to fuss endlessly about the use of magic, exposure risks, and reevaluation of our relationships! We skipped that part entirely.
Teshik: With good reason. First, you and I? No relationship to reevaluate, because you will be gone for probably another three years after this crap is over. The exposure risks? Well, your fault. You're the one with powers. And I'm painfully aware that „debating the right course of action while pondering risks" is another way of saying „getting the goddamn 43 minutes full" by now. Because neither your absent bastard of a daughter nor her halfsisters are really wasting any thought on that any more.
Sam: But...
Teshik: No buts. Research. Now.
--
Solarium. Teshik is slaving over a hot Book'o'Shadows, John Dope is still sleeping, and Sam returns from the living room with the phone in his hand.
Sam: Okay, I finally reached that Agent Idiot guy.
Teshik: (not looking up) What took you so long?
Sam: Well, you could've told me his family name wasn't really Idiot, that would've sped up the process. (pauses) Although I do have a date now with an Agent Barbara Ediot from the Anti-Terror Department on Saturday.
Teshik: I guess there's a Phoebe everywhere. And, do they have any plot related clues?
Sam: They do know quite a few people who vanished just like JD over the years.
Teshik: And what distinguishes those people and JD from the people who vanish every day for other, non-demonic reasons?
Sam: Errr...I dunno.
Teshik: (to himself) And to think I wasted the perfectly good moniker Idiot on a random homeland security agent. (to Sam) The book isn't helpful either. It keeps showing me Grams Anti-Vomit Potion for some reason. I hope that's not a bad sign.
They hear sounds from the front door.
Leo: We're back! And, ISSUES!
Sam and Teshik walk into the hall. There, they find Piper and Leo heavily arguing, and Bifi.
Teshik: What now? (looks at Bifi and her emourmously fugly outfit). And what are you doing here?
Piper: Hi, Sam! How's it going! (shakes his hand vigorously) By the way, I'm Leo. We switched bodies 'n stuff.
Teshik: Yeah, been there, done that. (points his index finger towards Bifi) What is she doing here?
Leper: Leo, would you stop looking at my boobies?
Pio: No, since this is the first time in month I actually get near them.
Meanwhile, John Dope has quietly risen and watches the scene.
Teshik: You still aren't explaining the presence of the girl with the curtains of my grandma over her shoulder.
Sam (to Bifi): Who are you, anyway?
Bifi: I'm Bifi. Oh, and I can do anything.
Teshik: ...granted, my grandma's curtains were canary yellow, not white, but that was a tragic choice from the seventies...
Leper: Will you stop touching my ass already!
Pio: It's my body right now, and by the way, we're married, I have all the rights to touch your ass!
Leper: You will cut that out RIGHT NOW, or I will put your favourite external plumbing into the next meat grinder and set it on purify!
This causes every male in the room (plus Pio, minus Leper) to grimace and protectively hold their hands in front of their respective family jewels.
John Dope: Sam? Where are we and who the hell are these Freaks?
---
Everyone stands still for a moment. Silence, except for a rapidly accelerating heartbeat. It originates from Bifi. She runs up to him and jumps into his arms.
Bifi: (breathing heavily) Oh, fuck me!
Teshik: (in the same tone) Oh, kill me. Permission to quietly vomit onto the floor?
Leper: Denied. If Leo cleans that up, he get's my body all dirty. No way.
Johnny D: (pushing the horned up Bifi politely, but firmly away from him) Sorry, Miss Hooker, but I don't have any money with me right now. Sam? What's goin' on?
Sam: Errr...you're dreaming. Yeah. That's it.
Teshik: Now we know where Paige got her shitty Whiteligh...
Sam (interrupting him) ...AND we certainly won't have any magic or other nonsense in this dream, since you're a manly man who won't dream about angels and fairies 'n stuff.
Teshik: Oh brother. Not that subplot again.
Sam: JD? Can you remember what happened to you before you woke up here? Er, I mean, what you dreamed before?
JD: Well, I was outside the (insert fifties cliché No. 1), drinking a (insert fifties cliché No.2), thinking about watching (insert fifties cliché No.3) again, when some creep took a flash photograph of me. Next thing I knew, I was inside somewhere and he wanted to kill me.
Sam: Photograph...interesting. You'll stay here with... these very...interesting people, while I go and check on something. (he leaves)
Leper: And I think we'll go upstairs to check the book...about those marital issues now, right, hon?
Pio: But I...
Leper: Now, Dolt!
Teshik: Piper, don't you think you're leaving Mr. Dope alone with the wrong people here?
Leper: I don't know where you're heading.
Teshik: Well, as long as Sam's not around, Leo would be the logical choice for babysitting, since he's ... old enough, if you catch my drift. Then there's the point of putting her and me into the same room for a prolonged length of time, and finally, she has ulterior motives with him, which, ew, and all.
Leper: Sorry, but our marriage issues are way more important right now. Good luck (Leper and Pio walk upstairs, Pio with an apologetic smile on her(his?) face)
Teshik (calls after them) Fine! But for the record, I won't change diapers for their satanic offspring, too. (quiet) -sigh- I hate my life.
JD: So...my name's John. What're your names?
Bifi: Just call me Sugar.
Teshik: Ecch. Do so and die. The Horndog is Bifi. I'm Teshik.
JD: Are those names?
Teshik: No. Teshik is an alias, and Bifi is an insulting nickname I've sworn to use for her until she finally stops annoying me. So far, no luck.
JD: Whatever. (he draws a pack of smokes out of his pocket and lights it)
Teshik: Do you mind?
JD: Mind what?
Bifi: Pestering us with carcinogens without asking first.
Teshik: What she said.
JD: What, the little smoke here?
Teshik: Yes, the anachronistic pack of modern smokes you had in your pocket, sealed with plastic.
Bifi: Plus, it could turn on the smoke detector.
Teshik: No, it couldn't, it's in the kitchen, and cigarette smoke can't...
The smoke detector goes off. JD is startled.
Teshik: Nevermind.
Bifi: Careful, don't touch the remote for...
JD accidentally touches the remote. The TV goes off on MTV, on full volume. A disco ball is lowering from the ceiling, and projectors erect from the flowerpots, creating a laser light show. Artificial fog fills the room.
JD: AIIEEEEE! (he jumps through the broken window and runs away)
Teshik: Some would say right now this „out of time" effect was waaay overdone. I'm among them. Though, I gotta admit, the disco room is actually pretty cool.
Bifi: Oh no! He's getting away! (Runs after him) Wait for me, Honey-ponney !
Teshik: Hmmm. Do I follow Nitwit and Neanderthal, knowing she probably get both of them killed if I don't? Or will I have a little fun with the remote control while the two of them are in mortal peril? (pauses) Why do I even ask?
He begins do dance.
---
Phoebe:...and so I realized, while the sperm bank can get me a daughter, I have to do that without sex, so I got the hell out of there.
Teshik enters the attic, just in time to see the red Latino Gardener mojo doing its job.
Teshik: Well, nice to have you back where you belong. Oh, and by the way, Bifi and John Dope are AWOL and probably worm fodder by now.
Piper: What? Why didn't you stop them?
Teshik: Tested your new Party Module in the solarium.
Phoebe: Ooh! Did you test „Foam Party"?
Teshik: No, but I tried both „Fireworks" buttons. Quite impressive, I might add.
Piper: People! Focus!
Teshik: What?
Piper: Bifi and the Dope. Where are they?
Bifi enters the attic, her enourmous eyes filled with tears.
Bifi: I'm here.
Teshik: That probably means she didn't get any. Thank God.
Bifi: JD is dead. We found the demon hideout, and saw Sam was captured. JD tried to save him, but a fireball got him.
Leo: Wait a second, that's not how it could have happened...
Teshik: Well, no, but I needed to shorten the plot so I could finish this dreck before Easter 2009.
Paige is walking into the attic, having a tan, wearing a straw hat, beach wear and is carrying a cocktail.
Paige: Hey guys! Guess who just returned from a day in Aruba!
Teshik: (makes swiping motion) Christmas Tree!
A cloud of orbs coalesces into a decorated Christmas Tree, hitting Paige frontal. Both swipe out the attic door and fall down the stairs.
Phoebe: Wait. Since when are you able to orb?
Paige: My hip!
Teshik: I ain't. Allow me one little plothole once in a while, will ya? Also, I still had this requisite laying around, and I really wanted to use it.
Paige comes back. Her straw hat is gone, as is her cocktail. She now has a big spot on her top and many tiny scratches on her face and arms instead.
Paige: Fine, I got the clue. No more running from plotlines. Now, where are we?
Leo: We need you to call for your father, who is trapped in a demon photographer's collage.
Paige: I so know why I bailed from this. All right. Sam? (nothing happens)
Piper: You need to call for your father, not Sam.
Paige: Okay. Dad? (still, nothing happens)
Teshik: Try „that fucking montage with Sam in it".
Paige: That fucking montage with Sam in it.
The collage appears in Paiges' outstretched hand and flashes golden. Sam, and all the other captives reappear.
Piper: That settles the story. No loose ends.
PhotoBoxDemon (squiggling in) Think again, witch!
Paige: Demon's camera! (the demonic camera orbs into her hands) Smile! (she makes a photo of him, he disappears)
Piper: As I was saying, no loose ends.
Bifi: How did you know the demon used a camera? You weren't there for the rest of the episode.
Paige: „Photographer Demon" ?
Leo: Now, we have to explain those innocents what happened...
They look over to the group of innocents. Teshik is standing next to a man and a woman who appear to be from the early sixties. The woman is sobbing by now.
Teshik: ...and Jackie held the head of her husband, but the assassin had totally blown out his brain. She was smeared with his blood. (pauses) So. Any New Yorkers from August 2001 around?
Piper: Teshik!
Teshik: What? They're gonna find out anyway.
Piper: Yeah, but it's better someone of us does it. Leo! Tell them what happened on 9-11. But don't scare or traumatize them or anything.
And so, while Leo told the innocents that they lost about a good part of their lifes and the cheery story of Terror Attacks, the rest of the Manor Morons were downstairs playing with the Party Module in the solarium. The End.
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