N/A: Pegou a caixinha de lenços, Bréir? Agora dá play em Uncomfortable do Damien Rice e good luck.

Uncomfortable (to not let her down on le temps sans nous)

To lose her like that, to see her dying in front of me, in my arms, it certainly wasn't fair. We didn't have much time together, just a couple months or so, and it was ending like that.

I could see the pain in her eyes reflected in mine. I could see how much it hurt her to see me like that, but I just couldn't accept, I just couldn't deny that fact that she was dying. It was eating my soul alive and I just couldn't hold back the pain. It killed me to let her see me like that, but there was nothing I could do, not this time.

She tried to smile, I saw that she really tried, but she could only go somewhere between a smirk and a hiss, trying not to scream. I couldn't say a word as I tried not to cry just to see her face a while longer, as she was still alive.

I hold her closer as tears fell from her eyes, from her black pearl eyes that I adored so much. I kissed every tear away, but they kept coming and coming, and soon I was crying with her, with our faces so close together that no one could deny we were one. At that moment, at that very moment, we were one and the same. All the hiding was over, all the barriers had fallen, and we were just one very sore heart.

She was my soul as much as I was hers. She was the only thing that kept me alive during those painful months of change. For those couple months, she was the only reason I had to wake up every morning and face the sun. She was the only reason I dressed up and went to work. Because only at work I could see her, I could see her smile, even if she wasn't smiling for me. But she smiled, and smiled, and it fed my soul for awhile. She was the only reason I was still alive, but what could I do now? Now that there was only a few minutes left for her. Now that there wasn't any hope to see her smile like that. Now that I would spend all of my days not looking at her, not discussing with her, not fighting with her.

And I tried, I tried so hard not to think about that, but it was the only thought that kept coming to my mind. Her. She was looking at me like that, with all that pain, and I couldn't look away. Because seeing her like that was better than not being able to look at her at all. So I kept looking. Even if my soul was killed piece by piece just for doing that.

Although, what killed me the most was the fact that I wouldn't be able to thank her for all that she did for me. I wouldn't be able to just grab some coffee and come to her desk with a smile and just think of an excuse to talk to her. I wouldn't be able to invite her over and make her dinner just to thank for how much she meant to me, for how much she did for me, anyway. I wouldn't be able to wake up in the middle of the night with her by my side, saying that everything was okay, saying that everything was going to be okay, scaring my nightmares away. Until the next day, when she would do it all over again, until the day I could stop then. And I couldn't imagine a life where I couldn't feel her touch while she held me close to her, breathing next to me, with her lips saying words I couldn't quite comprehend, but I would still listen to her voice, because that cadence, that husky sound was just enough to calm me down. And I would do as she say. I would breath in. I would breath out. And she would keep holding me until I had fallen asleep again.

Because she wasn't the air I breathed, but she was something so close to that, it seemed like she was. And now that she was here, I just couldn't imagine a life without her. To not being able to get home and see her waiting for me with some surprise I would hate in a first moment, but I would just love the second she showed me. To not being able to get home and kiss her slowly. To kiss her passionately. To hold her in my arms. To, slowly, fall in bed with her. To touch her naked body that was only mine. And, then, to fall asleep next to her, with her slow breathing all over my neck.

I kissed her forehead as she tried to mouth words, but I placed a finger over her lips, stoping her in the middle of the way. Because I just couldn't hear the words she needed to tell me. Because I could see it all over her eyes and she could see the same thing all over mine. Because she needed to say that as much as I needed to say and to hear that. I was ready to say the words and to hear them, but not at that time, not like that. Because I already knew what would happen when she finally mouthed those words and I wasn't quite ready to let her go. No, not yet.

I was being selfish, I knew that. I needed to let her go in a moment, but it wasn't that moment yet. No. Because she was still fighting for me. Because she was a fighter and so strong she could hold on her pain for that long just to wait for me to be ready. Because she was trying and trying and trying, but there wasn't much time left for us. Because I didn't know what would happen if I let her go, if I let myself go. Because she knew what would happen as much as did, and so she was fighting. For me. Because I could see in her eyes she was staying strong just for me, even though she couldn't do that for much longer. But she was trying as much as she could just to let me know I could do the same. That I could mourn her for as long as I wanted, but I should keep going. For her. Because I owed her that. Because she lost her life protecting me. Protecting her colleague, her friend, her lover, her heart. Because she put herself at risk just for me, because she couldn't see that happening to me after everything we had passed together. And even though that time together was slowly fading, we would still have today's morning, when we played pranks on each other and had gotten late for work because we just couldn't let go of each other.

- Eve... - She started, letting me know that there was only seconds now.

- No. Please, no. Jay. - I whispered, holding back my own scream, and closing my eyes for a second.

- Eve, I...

- No! - I placed a kiss on her mouth to shut her up, but she kept trying to make up words.

- Eve. - She said a little bit stronger, trying to hold my arms, looking deeply into my eyes. - I love you, babe. I always have.

- Please don't go, Jay. Please, don't leave me.

But I knew that wasn't possible. Because our time was over and she was only waiting, waiting to give me a chance to say the words to her before she let herself go. And I tried to breath in as I hold her face between my hands, looking at her until the very last second, as I tried to say one last thing to her.

- I can't live without you, Jay. I love you too.

And I saw that last attempt of smile while I kissed her lips one last time, her life fading away in my lips.

I don't quite remember for how much longer I hold her, but I knew it seemed like a very short time before someone pulled me away, trying to hold me away from her as I tried to keep coming back to her body. Her now lifeless body. And that same force holding me away, tried to hug me until I let myself look away from her and mourn her, even though I was covered in blood. Her blood. That was still warm all over me. And, as I let myself go, it just felt like falling. And falling, and falling, and falling until I no longer could touch the ground.

And as I kept falling, with my eyes shut together when the coroner took her away, I let myself fall into that dark place she tried so hard to rescue me. Because even though I couldn't let myself lose my mind, I could at least have that dark place for a moment. Because that was the thing that brought us together for so long. Because it wasn't the fact we were very much alike or because we worked at the same place. No. It was that dark place that held us together because she kept trying to save me from there, even though I was very far from saving. But she tried and she did and I owed her that, to not let her down.