WOOO!

Long chapter!

Ok, remember those images I was talking about? This chapter has a lot of them. And a lot of angst. Seriously, I almost started crying while I wrote this. But I have officially decided no one is dying besides Uther (and possibly some evil people). Just thought I would let you know.

So, I'm pretty sure my plan for now is to upload the not well edited chapters when I finish them, then re-upload the nicely edited ones. That means chapter seven will be up soon. It has actual plot! How exciting is that! This story is not just angst!

But anyhoo, the edited version of chapter four is now up as well, if you were interested. It's not too different, but it is better grammatically, so that is nice.

Thanks to my reviewers, readers, favoriters, alerters, and everyone else! I just like people!

And I don't own Merlin. It probably wouldn't be a kids show if I did.

Chapter 6: Nighttime Wanderings

Gaius was miserable.

Physically he was fine, Merlin was seeing to that. He hated how he had to rely on Merlin for food and comfort, as he knew what Merlin was going through to get it for him. After he had seen Merlin in the throne room, he had been taken back to his old chambers, and had resumed some of his duties as court physician. He was under constant guard, and he was no longer allowed to delivered any of his potions or leave his chambers unless it was ordered by Camelot's new queen. He did see Merlin quite often, but he wished the visits weren't so frequent. Not because he didn't care about the boy, Merlin was like a son to him, but every time he saw Merlin, it was because one of Camelot's new rulers had damaged him so badly they needed Gaius to fix him so he would be ready for another round of torture. He had healed cuts, burns, broken bones, and dislocated limbs, but a few visits stood out from the rest.

It seemed Morgause had begun experimenting on Merlin, trying to find out how much pain he could endure and keep on working. One of those experiments had involved a dagger stabbed multiple times along his arms and legs. Instead of letting him bandage the wounds, the two sisters had proceeded to order Merlin about until he had collapsed. The guards had carried the unconscious and heavily bleeding Merlin into his room, where he had remained for a whole day, as he had lost so much blood nothing would wake him. Gaius had wondered if it would be kinder for him to simply kill Merlin and end his suffering, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Merlin had promised that he would get them all out of there, and he had to hold onto the hope that his former assistant was correct and things would work out for the best.

A few weeks later Gaius had been pulled out of his chambers by two guards. Morgana had a new plan to torture Merlin, and she wanted him there in case something went wrong. He was taken up to the balcony above the throne room, where most of the rest of the court was already crammed in, waiting. There were two guards watching him, which seemed a little silly as there really was very little he would be able to do in this situation. Guinevere was in the crowd as well, she was being held by Morgause. They were standing closest to the edge of the balcony, and Gwen was bound and gagged, but otherwise looked pretty healthy. The only person in the throne room was Morgana. It looked as if she was waiting for someone, probably Merlin. She was holding a water skin and watching the doors, casting a glance up to Morgause and smiling now and again. When the doors to the throne room opened, Gaius was surprised to see it wasn't Merlin but Lancelot who entered the room, being pulled in by two guards. As soon as they entered, Morgause pulled Guinevere closer to her, and held a knife to her throat. Gaius wanted to run to her and do whatever he could to get the knife moved away from her, but the guards watching him tightened their grip, keeping him from helping the poor girl.

Lancelot also noticed and was fighting against his guards, thrashing and trying to get away. It looked as if he was about to succeed when Morgana started talking.

"Lancelot, if you don't want the lovely Guinevere to be hurt, you will do as I say."

"I won't let your harm her!" Lancelot growled, turning his attention to the self-declared queen.

"And I will see that she is unharmed as long as you follow instructions, do you understand?" Morgana replied with a slightly patronizing tone.

"What do you want me to do?"

"It's really very simple, I just want you to make sure Merlin drinks this." She said while smirking, handing Lancelot the water skin she had been holding. "He will be here soon, you just have to make sure he drinks this and doesn't realize what's happening up in the balcony. If you do that, Guinevere will be sent back to her room without a scratch."

Lancelot looked confused. "That's it?"

"Yes, that is all you have to do." Morgana said, still smiling. Gaius wasn't exactly sure what she was planning, but he was pretty sure that the water skin was not simply filled with water.

Lancelot gave her a suspicious glance, before returning his gaze to the balcony where Guinevere still had a knife to her throat. With one little move Morgause could end her life, and Lancelot wouldn't even be able to get out of the throne room before she would be dead. After a minute of deliberation, he nodded at Morgana and said, "I'll do it, just don't hurt Guinevere."

"Good." Morgana said. "And don't worry, as long as he drinks that Guinevere will be fine." Morgana and the guards holding Lancelot left, leaving the knight alone in the throne room. Morgana was soon standing beside her sister with the rest of the observers, watching the whole thing with a cruel smile.

After a few minutes of silence, Merlin entered the throne room, after being ushered in by a couple of Morgana's knights. He looked quite confused, but soon perked up when he saw who was waiting for him.

"Lancelot! What are you doing here? How did you get out of the dungeons?"

Merlin still had his back to the balcony, so he didn't notice the way Morgause jerked Guinevere, pulling her hair back and leaving her neck even more exposed than before. Lancelot obviously did, as he grabbed Merlin's shoulder to keep him from turning around with one hand and offered him the water skin with the other as he said "Merlin, I need you to drink this for me."

"What's going on, Lancelot?" Merlin asked, trying to look around, but Lancelot held him firmly.

"Nothing, Merlin. You should really drink this. You look thirsty."

Merlin seemed to notice the desperation in Lancelot's tone. Gaius wished he could see his face, but Lancelot was keeping him faced away from the balcony so he didn't know he had an audience and Gaius could only see the back of his head. He could still hear him though, as he reached for the water skin and said, "If you say so Lancelot. I guess I am kind of thirsty."

Morgause released Gwen as Merlin lifted the water skin to his lips. She and Morgana were both leaning over the railing as Merlin downed whatever they had prepared for him.

At first, everything seemed fine. Merlin thanked Lancelot and returned the water skin. Lancelot looked much calmer now that Guinevere was not in any immediate danger, but Gaius knew that this couldn't be it.

He was right, of course. After a few seconds of relief, a look of horror spread across Lancelot's face, as Merlin began to stumble backwards. Lancelot rushed over to his friend, catching him before he could fall. Now Gaius could see Merlin's face, as he lay choking on Lancelot's lap. Merlin's shaking hands clawed at his throat as whatever Morgana had laced the water with began to take effect. Lancelot was holding Merlin and looked terrified as tears spilled down his face and he tried to apologize to Merlin, telling him he hadn't known there was anything wrong with the water.

Then, the doors to the throne room opened again, and Morgana entered. Gaius hadn't even noticed her leaving the balcony; he had been so fixated on Merlin's plight. She was followed by two large guards, who pulled Lancelot away from Merlin. This took some time, as Lancelot was quite unwilling to let go of his struggling friend. But the two men were large, and Lancelot had no weapon, so soon Merlin was alone on the floor as he began to convulse. Morgana stood above him and said, "Now you know what it feels like to be poisoned by a friend. Now you know what I felt as you held me after you gave me that hemlock. Nothing you could ever do will repair the pain I felt when you betrayed me."

Then she knelt down and poured something down Merlin's throat and whispered a few words. Whatever she had done seemed to work, as Merlin stopped convulsing, and resumed breathing regularly. He was still extremely pale though, and Gaius couldn't stop the tears as he watched Merlin slowly roll himself to his side and vomited out everything in his stomach. Besides him and Gwen, all the people in the balcony seemed ecstatic as they watched Merlin suffer. Morgana tossed a rag down to Merlin and shouted, "Clean that up, Emrys."

The entire crowd continued to watch as Merlin slowly pulled himself to his knees, his whole body still shaking, and started to wipe up his own vomit. Gaius caught his eye for a moment as Merlin noticed the large crowd gathered above him. When he saw Gwen, he almost smiled and Gaius guessed he figured out what had happened. Merlin then turned his gaze back to Lancelot and said, "It wasn't your fault, Lancelot. Thank you for protecting Gwen."

Morgana had returned to her throne, but when Merlin started speaking she rose and quickly walked back over to where he was still trying to mop up his mess. He didn't seem to notice her approach as he was focused on getting his message to Lancelot. Morgana did not appear very happy about this, and when she reached Merlin she kicked him over, causing him to land in what had previously been the contents of his stomach. "You are not allowed to speak with the prisoners, Emrys!" Morgana hissed. "Just for that, Lancelot and his friends down in the dungeons won't be getting any food for the next few days." Morgana then marched back to her throne with a scowl on her face, and sat glaring at Merlin's slow attempt at cleaning the mess he had made.

After a moment of silence, Morgana yelled, "You are all dismissed. Guards, take Lancelot back down to the dungeons, and Gaius back to his chambers, his services are not required. The rest of you, leave me."

It took a second for the orders to sink in and for the crowds to start dispersing. Gaius was still focusing on Merlin, trying to think of some way to help the boy, when his guards pulled him from his position and back towards his chambers. He hated leaving Merlin alone with Morgana, but he had little choice.

When Gaius was returned to his chambers he was miserable. He felt so useless. All he could do was watch as the girl he had calmed from nightmares tormented the boy he thought of as a son. He tried to answer the letter he had received from a boy who wanted to take up the desperately needed position of his assistant but he couldn't stop thinking about the horrors he had just witnessed.


Merlin was exhausted.

Whatever Morgana had put in that water Lancelot had given to him was really foul.

That was why he hated Morgana's torture the most. With Mordred and Morgause he knew what to expect, and he knew that he would be sore for days after, but they never left him like Morgana did, completely exhausted both emotionally and physically. And it was made so much worse by the fact that he had once called her a friend, one of his first when he came to Camelot. Each time he looked at her, he couldn't help but see the strong, kind woman who had fought against any injustice she saw in the kingdom. So much had changed since then.

When he was finally dismissed for the night, and left alone in the golden cage they had built for him, he knew he needed to do something. Lancelot had looked so devastated, Merlin wanted to make sure that he didn't blame himself for what had happened. The man was just too bloody noble sometimes, but Merlin wasn't going to let anyone else suffer. He had made a deal with Morgana, and he was keeping his end of it, but by dragging Lancelot and Gwen into it Morgana had broken her word. He had not done anything that would warrant such emotional pain for Lancelot, and he was going to make it right.

So Merlin waited until it was very dark and very late (or possibly early, it was hard to tell time), then opened the cage with a quite spell and crept towards the exit of the throne room. He had had very little trouble sneaking around the castle under Uther's reign, how much more difficult could it be now? Even though Morgana had magic on her side, she was not nearly as organized as Uther had been, and Merlin planned on using this to his advantage.

Leaving the throne room was the most nerve wracking bit. The doors were large and there was no other way out, so if anyone was walking by when he attempted to escape, he would be caught and who knew what Morgana would do to his friends. He held his breath, and pushed his ear up against the door, but heard nothing. Deciding that it was now or never, Merlin took a deep breath and pushed the door open just far enough for him to slip out, before darting into the shadows of a nearby alcove. As he heard no shouts and he hadn't been grabbed, Merlin let out a quite sigh of relief, as he had made it passed probably the most exposed section of his journey. The rest of the way down to the dungeons was mostly dark and unoccupied at this time of the night, granting Merlin safe passage to his destination.

There was one place he had to stop first. The kitchens would be empty at this time of night, so he could steal a small amount of food to take down to the knights so they would at least have something to eat over the next few days. Luckily, the kitchens were on the way, and he was able to sneak in, nick some bread and cheese, and sneak out without anyone noticing.

The rest of his journey was quite uneventful. He was amazed by his luck when he got down to the dungeons and realized the guards there had fallen asleep, giving him free access to the cells they were supposed to be watching.

Merlin was almost certain his plan would be ruined when he reached the cells holding the knights and was greeted enthusiastically by his five friends.

"SHUSH!" Merlin hissed, "If you wake the guards and I'm found down here, who knows what Morgana would do!"

This quieted the knights as Merlin snuck a peak back at the two sleeping guards. They were still snoring softly, oblivious to the reunion going on just down the hall from them.

"What's going on, Merlin?" Percival whispered.

"I brought you some food." Merlin said with a smile, ignoring Percival's question. He divided the food between the two cells, saying, "I'm not quite sure when Morgana will allow you food again, sorry about that."

"Why would you be sorry? It's not your fault Morgana is an evil witch." Gwaine said, taking the bread and cheese Merlin passed through the bars.

"That's debatable." Merlin murmured, then cleared his throat and said, "Did Lancelot tell you lot what happened today?"

"No." Leon said with a concerned tone, "He hasn't said anything since the guards brought him back."

Merlin nodded in understanding, turning his attention to Lancelot, who was currently huddled in a corner, sitting with his head in his hands. "Lancelot," Merlin called, "what happened today wasn't your fault. You did what you had to do to protect Guinevere. And I'm fine, don't worry about me."

When Merlin began speaking directly to him, Lancelot slowly raised his head, watching Merlin with a sorrowful stare. "How can you say you're fine?" He said, "I poisoned you!"

The rest of the knights watched the conversation with confusion, anger, and a small amount of horror, as Merlin approached the cell that held Lancelot, getting as close to him as he could with the bars still intact.

"You did what you had to do!" Merlin said, trying to reassure the noble knight, "And you didn't even know there was anything wrong with the water. Morgana had no right to drag you and Gwen into this! I promise you Lancelot, I really am fine; Morgana isn't done with me yet, she wouldn't let anything too bad happen to me. And that poison was hardly the worst. Whatever she gave me after got it out of my system. You caused no harm."

"She had Gwen." Lancelot mumbled, "She had Gwen and I didn't know what to do."

"I know, Lancelot." Merlin said, "And you made the right choice. Everyone is safe now because of what you did."

This seemed to strike a chord with Lancelot, and he got up from his position in the corner, walking over to where Merlin was standing. He took the outstretched hands of the young warlock and said, "Thank you Merlin, but I can never truly forgive myself for what I did."

When Lancelot tried to move back to his corner, he was stopped by Merlin, who had grabbed his arm when he noticed him turning away.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Lancelot. That is exactly what Morgana wants. She is the one who poisoned me, and she is the only one who needs forgiveness for it. Fight her by remaining strong, holding out hope that someday the rightful king will return to the throne."

Lancelot turned back towards Merlin, pulled his friend into a very awkward hug, and whispered, "I will keep fighting."

When Lancelot released him, Merlin smiled at the knight before turning to the rest of the men in the two cells, saying, "Are you all alright? Morgana says she sends food down here, but I can't ever be sure she is telling the truth."

"We're fine, but what about the others?" Elyan asked. "Lancelot said they had my sister, is she safe?"

"Gwen is safe," Merlin reassured Elyan, "they keep her locked up in a room in the east tower for the most part, but she is fed. I don't see her too often, but when I do she looks healthy."

"What's happening in Camelot?" Leon questioned. Even without his title, he was still incredibly devoted to the people and the land he had served. The concern in his voice was quite obvious as he stated, "No one tells us anything down here, but I have to know."

"Morgana still is trying to subdue those most loyal to the old reign. She has raised taxes quite a bit to recompense any magic users who say they have suffered at the hands of Uther. Unfortunately that happens to be almost every magic user in the country, so she keeps on promising money she doesn't have. I don't know too much about the state of the country, as I'm not allowed out of the castle. I only know what I hear when I serve at the council meetings, or have time to talk with some of the other servants. I'm sorry I can't tell you more, but from what I have heard, the people are suffering, but they have not given up hope yet."

Gwaine obviously had other priorities as he approached Merlin and asked, "What about you? You said they poisoned you, Merlin! Why aren't you fighting back!"

Merlin just smiled sadly at the knight, before shaking his head and replying, "I can't. They've got Gwen and Gaius, not to mention you lot, if I don't do as they say they'll starve you, and if I try to fight back they said they would kill you off one by one. I promise that I will fix this, but I won't risk your lives. When we get out of here, it will be all of us together."

"Merlin," Gwaine said sadly, "you don't have to worry about us. Don't let them hurt you like this."

"I have to, Gwaine!" Merlin said, having to be careful he didn't speak so loud he woke the guards, "Don't you think that if I had any other choice I would take it! It's not just you that I'm worried about, it's Gwen and Gaius too! If they send Gaius back down here, or stop allowing him food, he will die! They aren't as strong as you are! There's nothing I can do." Merlin finished with a sob. Lancelot, Leon, and Gwaine's hands were soon on him, reaching through the bars to give whatever comfort they could.

"I'm sorry, mate." Gwaine whispered. "It's just hard for us to know you're hurting and not be able to do anything about it."

"Thank you." Merlin whispered, letting himself be comforted by the three men. It had been so long since he had shown any true emotions, choosing to hide what he felt rather than face it. Letting it out felt good, and being with his friends gave him someone to rely on, others who understood his plight and sympathized with him even if there was little they could do to help. After a moment of simply being, Merlin pulled himself away from the bars of the cell and said, "I should go now, they can't know I was wandering the castle at night."

The knights whispered their goodbyes as Merlin crept out of the dungeons back to where the two guards were sleeping. He had been planning on heading straight back up to the throne room when he felt a strange pull coming from the passage behind the guards.

Ignoring the nagging in his head, telling him that if he didn't go back now he would be caught, Merlin let the pull guide him and he turned from the stairs and moved towards the tunnel behind the guards. It had been so long since he ventured down this path, having no need to once he had freed the dragon, but this was where they were keeping Arthur. Even though Merlin knew he was just a statue, and that this visit would be pointless, he continued down the steps, conjuring a small ball of light to illuminate the passage.

When he reached the bottom of the steps, he saw the blue light of the globe he had created reflecting off the white of the statue. Arthur had been moved to the small ledge that he had stood on so many times while talking to the great dragon about whatever magical problem was currently plaguing Camelot.

"Hello Arthur." Merlin said, almost laughing at himself for talking to a statue. "I miss you. I guess that's why I'm talking to a statue. I'm sorry I left; I guess I chose the wrong time to visit home. I guess if you were here you would have laughed at that. My secret isn't really a secret anymore, so maybe you would understand. I'm sorry I never told you. I wanted to, there were so many times when I thought that I could, that you would accept me no matter what I was. But then some other sorcerer or creature would come to Camelot and you'd be leading the charge against magic once again. I don't think you would kill me, but I was scared you would send me away, and I can't leave you."

At this point Merlin was sitting at the base of Arthur's statue. Talking to the knights had been helpful, but talking to Arthur gave him an opportunity to let all the pain he had been hiding out.

"You always get into the worst situations. I don't know how many times I've saved your life. I leave you alone for two weeks, and look what happens. That's why I couldn't risk you sending me away, who knows what could have happened. I'm going to put this right, though. I promise. I guess you don't really care, but I will be back. Goodbye Arthur."

Merlin turned from the statue, and retreated back up the stairs. He past the sleeping guards who were beginning to stir, and began his hasty journey up through the castle to the throne room. He made it, but he was pretty sure that he had almost been caught when two guards had walked right by the alcove he was hiding in. Apparently the large helmets that were part of Morgana's guard's uniforms restricted visibility for the people wearing them. The throne room was still empty and dark when he reached it giving him time to climb back into the cage, re-lock it, and still get a little sleep before morning.


Things continued like this for five months. Merlin just barely got by, sneaking out at night to visit the knights or Arthur when things got especially bad. Gaius finally got an assistant, a shy boy named Oswald, who seemed like a good person. Merlin hoped that the young boy would help take care of Gaius now that he wasn't able to.

The only real excitement came when Morgana invited the surrounding nobles to a banquet. She had wanted to reestablish connections with Camelot's old allies, and forge new alliances with countries that Uther had rejected due to their stances on magic. Most of Camelot's old allies refused the invitation, which wasn't all that surprising considering how Morgana took over, but King Alined did come, as well as quite a few of the kings Uther had spurned. Merlin had been the entertainment at the opening feast.

The day before the visiting nobles arrived Morgause had pulled Merlin into an empty chamber, showed him three spells, and told him he needed to learn them before the feast or Guinevere would not only go hungry, but would be taken to the courtyard for a public flogging. With that threat looming over his head, Merlin worked tirelessly until he got them all perfect. Two of the spells were rather simple, one for the ladies of the court which would summon a beautiful bouquet of flowers, and then with another word turn the flowers into a flock of multi-colored butterflies was almost like a more complex version of the spell he had used to create a rose for Freya. Another was just manipulating fire, which Merlin had been doing for ages. The last spell had him stumped for quite a while. The spell was supposed to replacing the ceiling with an image of the current sky, but at the end of his allotted practice time, the texture of the ceiling was still visible behind the image, and he wasn't able to sustain it for very long. He prayed it would be enough to keep Gwen safe, but worried for the rest of the evening and continued practicing once he was left alone in the throne room.

Merlin was not released from his cage the next morning, which wasn't all bad. Morgana apparently wanted him on display, but also wanted to show her dominance over Emrys, and apparently leaving him locked up was the best way to do that. He was not released until just before the banquet began. Morgause had come alone to fetch him, which had confused Merlin slightly. She had then taken a length of rope and tied one end around his collar, keeping hold of the other. Using it as a makeshift leash, she pulled Merlin into the banquet hall, and kept a hold of it as he preformed the spells he had learned the day before. Somehow he managed to get each spell done, even with her constant tugging on the rope and the multitude of people watching. Once he had finished performing, Morgause had pulled him over to Morgana's seat, where he spent the rest of the evening tied to her chair, making sure he goblet was always full.

When the feast was over he was taken back to his cage by a slightly intoxicated Morgana. She had taunted and threatened him the entire way back, tugging the rope so it would make him choke and trip whenever she could.

Merlin had been left alone for most of the rest of the visit. It seemed that all the visitors kept Morgana busy enough that she forgot about him, for which Merlin was eternally grateful. The one downside was with the influx of magical people, was that there was a new group in Camelot that seemed to blame him for all of Uther's actions. Merlin was getting rather sick of being yelled at for deaths that had happened when he was a toddler. But it was still better than the abuse he got from Morgana, Morgause, and Mordred, so he didn't complain.

It was a few weeks after the nobles left that Merlin found himself sneaking down to the caverns underneath the castle to visit Arthur. He was tired of his current life, and needed to talk to the statue of his friend. This wasn't the first time he found himself sitting at Arthur's feet, releasing his pent up emotions to his frozen friend since his first trip down. He usually ended up sneaking down to visit Arthur once every couple of weeks. He would tell the statue stories of all the ways he had saved his life without his knowledge, sob as he explained his worries for his friends, or yell into the caverns as he released his anger at Morgana.

On this trip he felt different. Instead of the usual swarm of emotions bursting to get out, Merlin just felt empty. He wanted someone to hold him, to love him, and his feet had guided him here, to the stone version of the man who held his heart, and upon seeing the beautiful, unmoving face, Merlin had an idea. As long as Arthur was like this, he wouldn't know what was happening to him, so this was his chance. Instead of taking his usual place at the prince's marble feet, he remained standing, and looked the prince right in his blank eyes and said, "I love you. I know I was never supposed to, and that you love Gwen, but I do. I tried to stop, but I can't. I love you with all my heart. And I will serve you my entire life, I promise you I will always serve you with the utmost loyalty. I love you, King Arthur, and nothing anyone does will ever change that."

Then, he stepped forward, closing the gap between him and his king, and pressed his lips against Arthur's.