Chapter Seven

Field Journal Entry #7 - Mary-Sues appear to feel safer travelling in groups, though in s. perfectivilus, as in other species, you get you odd-ones-out, the loners...

Luinramwen and Erenriel ran gracefully down the rocky slope, still singing.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed the companions, scrabbling over each other in vain attempts to get away.

"LEEEEEEEEEEEGOOOOOOLAAAAAAAAAS!" screamed a new voice; its owner vaulted over the heads of the startled Mary-Sues and landed with a thud in front of the terrified comrades.

She looked the least Elven of all the Legolas-pursuers so far. She was not as tall as the others, and her browny-red hair was cut shoulder-length. Her green eyes burned fiercely with anger and lust. "Keep away from MY Legolas!" she barked.

"Lizabethwen?" chorused Luinramwen and Erenriel in shock.

"The one and only! I finally managed to catch up to you guys - I've been tailing you since you left Rivendell. Legolas is mine!" she said defiantly.

"First come first serve," shot back Erenriel. "We were here first. Or, rather, I was here first."

"Was not!" Luinramwen yelled angrily.

"It's the end of the world!" screamed Frodo in panic.

Boromir ran back up the slope at this juncture, dragging his shield behind. "Hey guys, what's up?" he said cheerfully. He plucked a dagger from his belt, flipped it in the air, and caught it again deftly.

"Hey! That's my dagger!" yelled Lizabethwen. Then she stopped and frowned, thinking. "Wait a minute. I don't need a weapon to win my Legolas' heart," she mused aloud.

"Where's Nuiniachwen when you need her?" moaned Legolas, attempting to hide behind Aragorn.

"RIGHT HERE!" bellowed the Elf-maid, her sabres flashing as she leaped out from behind a rock.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" screamed the Mary-Sues as the wrathful Nuiniachwen bore down upon them.

She was spluttering with anger. "If - if you hadn't been my friends before you became Mary-Sues, why I'd - I'd -"

"Meep!" squeaked Luinramwen and Erenriel.

Lizabethwen snickered at the two Mary-Sues being taken to task by their former friend. While Nuiniachwen was otherwise occupied, Lizabethwen slowly eased her way closer to Legolas.

Nuiniachwen must have had a radar that alerted her whenever Legolas was in danger, however, because she cut herself off mid-word, spun around, and tackled Lizabethwen.

"DO - NOT - TOUCH - THE ELF!" she roared. Nuiniachwen got to her feet, holding the three Mary-Sues at bay with her sabres. "I've had it up to here with your type," she growled. "If you're not running full speed down the mountain by the time I finish counting to three, I'm chasing you down. I may chase you down anyways just for the hell of it, but that's beside the point. One.........Two........"

The Mary-Sues shot off, Nuiniachwen in hot pursuit.

*~*~*

Nuiniachwen returned about sunset to a gloomy campfire lit in a small, protective alcove. The first they were aware of her, she darkened the cleft, saying, "I'm beat. I need sugar."

"Are they gone?" Pippin asked quietly.

She flopped to the ground with a sigh. "Yeah. They're gone. Do any of you have any chocolate?"

"What's chocolate?" Aragorn said curiously.

"What's chocolate!" yelped Nuiniachwen in pure shock. "You mean you don't know? You don't have any?!"

The sane ones shook their heads, confused.

Nuin buried her head in her hands. "This bites! I hate this job."

"What job?" Legolas asked keenly.

"Catching Mary-Sues." She pulled a tattered newspaper clipping out of her pocket. "Here it is. The ad that got me into this. 'Looking for Adventure? Join SAG (Stop All Glompers)! Travel Opportunities! Big Bonuses! No experience is required, just a keen sense of responsibility to canons of all sorts.'"

Nuin sighed. "It's certainly interesting. Only last week I got to visit the Starship Enterprise to get rid of a Mary-Sue there. The week before that I was in St. Mungo's in London, trying to wheedle out of Remus Lupin where the hell Erenriel had gone after her attempt on him. He was absolutely terrified out of his mind at the mere mention of her name, could barely speak until I mentioned that if he could help us catch her she'd be de-Sueified and never come after him again. Then it was a problem getting him to shut up; I never thought he'd stop talking. And his information has proved extraordinarily accurate. Poor bloke." She shook her head.

Legolas cringed in sympathy. "Agreed."

"But the thing is, I'd've had Erenriel and Luinramwen off your tails two weeks back if it wasn't for the fact that my reinforcements are slow in coming. Actually, to be honest, Luin was my original backup, but as you can tell -" Nuiniachwen gestured helplessly.

"So Mary-Sues are originally from your world?" Legolas asked in astonishment. "Does that mean you're not really an Elf?" He took out his field journal and began scribbling rapid notes.

"No, I took this form for the purposes of blending in. SAG's great on disguises. And yes, the Mary-Sues plaguing your world are from my real world, Earth."

"So were Luinramwen and Erenriel originally normal people?" Aragorn was amazed.

"Well...I wouldn't call them normal, per se. None of us were. But we weren't s. perfectivili, more to the point. But then we got into Lord of the Rings - your canon - and Harry Potter. And they became Mary-Sues. Their two commonly agreed on targets were you, Legolas, and Remus Lupin. Only, what hurts is that I never knew Luin was one of them until the Lupin incident. Then it was too late to find another backup in time for this assignment."

"So why haven't you stopped them yet, if they used to be your friends?"

"Because I really need reinforcements if I'm not gonna kill myself in the process," admitted Nuin. "No one person can hold a Mary-Sue against their will. Two people, however - well, until my reinforcements show up, I can do nothing but hold them off."

"I have an idea!" Boromir announced. "Legolas, you can be the reinforcements! You kinda do the same thing, I mean, it's both scientifical and in the name of justifi-thingymahooey or whatever you call it."

Silence. Then:

"BAM and SAG," Legolas said slowly. "It might be a good idea -"

"To foster inter-canon alliances like these," finished Nuin. "I'd need to do a rush training, but yeah. Yeah." She grinned. "I think we just might be able to pull it off."

*~*~*

A/N - Aha! The plot develops at last!