I suddenly became very aware that Brittany was a girl and that I was kissing her. I pulled away quickly and took a step back. Brittany just followed and tried to kiss me again but I held her away by the shoulders. She gave me a confused look. I just stared at her with wide eyes, completely shocked by my actions.

"Santana?" she asked, trying to caress my cheek but I held her hand away by the wrist. I think I was having a panic attack. My heart was beating uncontrollably fast and I was having to gasp for breathe. I think I felt tears running down my cheeks and it became even more obvious that I was crying when my vision became blurry.

I pulled back again as she pulled her eyebrows together in further confusion. Then I turned and ran.

I could hear her footsteps behind me and her voice shouting my name. I lifted my wrist to my eyes and wiped away my tears. What had I done? I'd just kissed Brittany. That- That wasn't right.

I don't remember getting into my car but I saw Brittany standing next to my door and trying to get me to come out but I'd locked the doors so she couldn't get in. When I turned on the engine and started to pull out of my parking space, she turned and jumped onto her bike. In the back of my head, I was worried that she wasn't wearing her helmet or her jacket but I was too busy concentrating on getting away from her to shout at her to stop.

I raced back to the apartment. I noticed all the drivers giving me looks like I was crazy as I drove. I eventually lost Brittany but I still drove like my life depended on it until I got to the apartment where I ran up the stairs, into mine and Quinn's apartment, straight past my best friend and into my room.

"Santana?" I heard her shout but I slammed my door shut and locked it. I leant back against it and let sobs wrack through my body. Oh, fucking god! What had I done?

I buried my face in my hands, trying to catch my tears and calm myself down but my eyes wouldn't stop welling up. I slid down against the door and brought my knees up to my chest. I was crying loudly now and Quinn was thumping on my door, shouting for me to open it. She threatened to break it down but I couldn't care less.

I had just kissed Brittany.


Knock knock

I was sitting on the bed. I replayed the kiss in my head over and over, trying to think why I had let it happen but I didn't get it. I was straight. I liked boys and boys liked me. I didn't want Brittany when I could have practically any guy I wanted. No, I was just being irrational. Brittany had confused me but that didn't mean I liked her. Because I didn't. I didn't like her at all. Sure, we were friends but I wasn't attracted to her. Because she's a girl.

Knock knock

I had stopped crying a while ago. I think I ran out of tears. I was still breathing deeply and trying to remain calm but there was really no need to. Because that stupid kiss had been an accident. I was starting to doubt that I had actually kissed Brittany back. Why would I? I'm straight.

Knock knock

"Santana?"

I couldn't have kissed her. No, she had kissed me because she liked me. She told Puck she liked me and she acted like she did. She had kissed me and I pulled away. I didn't kiss back. Because I was not attracted to girls. I'm fucking straight.

"Santana, can I come in?"

I felt like a zombie as I moved towards the door and unlocked it. I opened it just slightly to see Rachel looking at me with worried eyes. I just stared back blankly.

"What?" I asked.

"Can I come in?"

I looked back in my room and saw all the tissues I had used to wipe away my tears laying everywhere as well as a teddy I had used to comfort me. Hell no. Rachel was not going to come in my room and see just how pathetic I had been acting.

"No," I answered, looking back at her with a bored expression.

She bit her lip, obviously nervous. I wouldn't be surprised if Quinn had sent her up here to talk to me. I think she had given up on me about an hour ago when I screamed at her to fuck the hell off.

"Santana, did something happen at college?" she asked, not meeting my eyes. "Did Finn hurt you again?"

I laughed at that. "Finn? Hurt me? Please, hobbit, give me some credit. If he so much as touched me, I'd crush his balls. Not that he needs them anyway given the lifestyle he's chosen."

"What?" she said, confused.

I shrugged. "It doesn't matter. Yes, I've been crying but I don't think it's any of your business, do you?"

"Santana, me and Quinn are wor-"

"Rachel," I growled, leaning in to her and narrowing my eyes. She took a step back, looking intimidated. "Leave me the fuck alone, okay? I don't want to fucking speak to anyone, least of all you. And tell Quinn to stay the hell out of my life because I am so close to telling her parents that she's fucking gay."

She didn't seem that surprised by what I had said and she didn't move. I admired her courage a little. Most people would have left by now. However, I couldn't help but think that she was a little stupid because I was in the mood to go all Lima Heights.

"Is it Brittany?"

I froze. Why would she think this was about Brittany? Did I make it obvious? Wait, what was obvious? I didn't like Brittany like that. Sure, I cared about her but that didn't give Rachel a reason to believe that I had spent the last three hours crying my guts out because of her. How did she know this was about Brittany? I looked down at her and she was looking up at me with one of those pathetically sympathetic looks on her face. I shut the door on her and locked it. I wasn't going to stand there and accept her sympathy. I didn't want her sympathy and I certainly didn't need it.

I went back to my bed and sat on the edge, my eyes still wide from Rachel's accurate guess. I looked at myself in my bedroom mirror. My eyes were red and my face was pale. Anyone would be able to guess that I had been crying. So I grabbed my makeup bag and decided to make it less obvious.

Then I heard Rachel speaking outside my door and, for a moment I thought she was speaking to me.

"Hey, Britt, can you come over to Santana and Quinn's apartment? Of course. I shall text you the address. Thank you."

I narrowed my eyes at my reflection. That little bitch was just out to make my life a living hell. After all I had fucking done for her-

Wait. Why did it matter? Of course Brittany could come over. It wasn't like I liked her. I would just explain to her that the kiss was a mistake and she should forget it. I could do that and I would do that. It was easy. When Brittany got here, I would tell her exactly how I felt and she would hopefully take it like a good friend would. She'd forgive me and then apologise for mistaking any signals that I might have been sending her.

Easy.


It turned out telling Brittany that I didn't like her wasn't actually that easy. She knocked on my door and I froze. Again. It wasn't normal for me to freeze up like I had been doing so many times today. I tried to shake off the feeling of nausea I had as I went to unlock my door.

I wasn't prepared for the sight that I opened my door to.

Brittany was leaning on the door frame in a tank top and some sweats. I wondered if she had come over on her bike and, if she had, if she had left her stuff downstairs. But surely she wouldn't ride in her sweats? I shook my head. I didn't want to think about what she did do and what she didn't do.

She had red eyes like mine had been a little over twenty minutes ago before I had put on my makeup. I didn't want to look weak in front of her but I still felt my legs shaking. I don't know how she managed it but, even when she looked like a mess, she still looked like the most beautiful girl in the world.

I found it amazing that she was letting me see her so vulnerable when I couldn't stand her seeing me like that. It surprised me that I cared what she thought. I was so confused.

"San?"

She was looking straight at me and I realised it was hard to look into her eyes for more than a few seconds at a time. Her voice was broken and kind of husky. I couldn't help but think it was still the most amazing voice in the world and I almost broke down again just from that thought.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, planting a hand on the wall beside her as she looked like she was about to collapse. She started to cry and held her arm in front of her closed eyes, most likely because she didn't want me to see. "San, I didn't mean to."

I couldn't speak. All of those things I wanted to say to her refused to leave my lips. I couldn't tell her that the kiss was a mistake and I had no idea why. Instead, I wanted to hug her and tell her that she had no reason to apologise although I could have sworn that half an hour or so ago, that was exactly what I wanted. I wanted her to say that she didn't want to kiss me and that it was just an accident but the thought of hearing those words now made my heart shatter. All I could do was stare at her as she tried to control her sobs with her arm in front of her face.

"I-I-I couldn't h-help it," she croaked out. "I-I swear, San. I'm s-so sorry."

"Get out," I breathed, looking down at our feet and noticing that she was in running shoes. Had she ran here? How far away did she live?

She was staring at me. I could feel her eyes on my face, almost like she was trying to get me to look up at her.

"Wh-What?"

I forced myself to look into her eyes and glare at her and, as much as the hurt look on her face broke my heart, I continued to do it. "I said, get the fuck out."

The tears were flowing freely down her cheeks and she shook her head like she refused to believe what I was saying. "San, I'm sorry-"

"Get out of my apartment, Brittany," I growled. I didn't want to look at her anymore. She made me feel weak and pathetic and all I wanted to do was fall to my knees and tell her that I didn't mean anything that I said but I wouldn't. I was Santana Lopez and I would not give in to anybody.

She looked really hurt and, not being able to stand my heart shattering to pieces like it would if I continued to glare at her, I closed my door and locked it again.

Then, leaning on it and gripping my hair in my hands, I broke down, letting all the tears that I thought I had already cried fall down my cheeks.


The next day, I was tempted to skip college. Not only did I have to get up early, I had music after lunch. By the time it came, I had a splitting headache and was not prepared to deal with either Mercedes, Brittany or Finn.

We were in the theatre again because we were going to be rehearsing Beauty and the beast. Fortunately, Mercedes didn't have that much of a big part. She was supposed to be playing the part of the teacups mum (I still couldn't actually believe that this was the musical we were going to perform to the whole college. It was ridiculously childish) so I wouldn't have to speak to her at all in class. Unfortunately, Finn did have a big part and was starring right next to me in the musical so I had to put up with him. I decided, when our time for a break came and Brittany still had to teach the other people in our class, to pull him aside and give him an ultimatum.

"What do you want, Santana?" he asked me, obviously annoyed. I was getting quite pissed off at him too, to be honest. He had been inappropriately checking Brittany out during the whole time we had been dancing and it made me feel sick. I chose to ignore that feeling along with the feeling of guilt every time I avoided Brittany.

"I want you to pull out of the musical."

Finn looked at me like I was crazy. "What makes you think I'm going to do that?"

I folded my arms over my chest and calmly looked up at him. He was too fucking tall. "Because, if you don't, I'll tell everyone about you and Puck. And, Puck may be my best friend, but I hate you so I don't really care what he'll think of me when I do tell everyone."

He stared at me for a moment. And then he looked around the class to make sure nobody had heard when I said and then he glanced at Mr Schue before meeting my eyes again with a defeated look in his eyes. "You're such a bitch."

I shrugged. "And you're such a baby but, hey, at least I'm not sticking a pacifier in your mouth to keep your big hypocritical homophobic nonsense from spilling out or putting you in a diaper so you stop shitting that crap all over the place."

He narrowed his eyes at me but turned away without replying to go and speak with Mr Schue.

Brittany took that moment to walk over to me.

"Santana, please will you speak to me?"

I didn't.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her brow wrinkling as she frowned with a desperate expression on her face. "Please can you just forgive me? I want to go back to being friends."

I started to walk away from her and towards Finn who had just finished talking to Mr Schue. She followed me and gripped my wrist. I froze at the touch. It sent tiny little electric shocks up my arm and through my spine and I pulled out of her grip to make it stop. She stared at me, looking really sorry about what she had just done.

"I'm sorry," she said again. She looked away. "If you don't want to come to work later, I understand."

I glared at her and felt my jaw tighten. "Why wouldn't I want to come to work later?"

She seemed surprised at that and met my eyes again. I tried not to let my eyes soften at the way she looked at me. "Well, because of the... because of-"

"Brittany, we're forgetting about that," I hissed at her, scowling. "If you tell anyone what happened, I will destroy you. Do you understand?"

Her eyes were wide. Then she looked away from me and her eyes started to fill with tears as she nodded. I knew that I was hurting her but, maybe if I was horrible to her, she'd finally snap back at me and I wouldn't feel so confused about what she was doing to me. The guilt was worth getting rid of the feelings I thought I had for her.

I walked away from her, again trailing after Finn to see if he'd done what I'd said but I stopped when Mr Schue called out.

"Guys, can you all sit down? I've got some bad news."

I smirked a little as I jumped off the stage and sat in one of the front seats, away from both Mercedes and Brittany.

Mr Schue stood on the stage, looking both confused and disappointed. "I'm afraid that Finn has pulled out of the musical. He thinks that he's going to let down the class because he's not that great a dancer. If anyone of you can convince him to come back, I would appreciate it very much. In the meantime, however, I'll look for someone else to play the Beast."

I tried to keep my smile to a minimum because I was aware that Mr Schue could see me clearly from where he was standing but, inside, I was grinning widely. Finn was out of the musical. At least one good thing had happened over the last few days.


"Santana, we need to talk."

I ignored her and continued to sweep up all the invisible dust that was covering the floor. She knew I wasn't really cleaning. I'd spent the last hour sweeping the floor and it was a really small shop. It really didn't take that much time to make sure the floor was spotless. Right now, it was practically gleaming.

"Santana, will you listen to me?" she asked. I could tell by her tone that she was starting to get annoyed but I still refused to look at her.

"You said you liked me too."

I hesitated for a moment before continuing to sweep. Her voice had sounded so weak and vulnerable. I hated acting like this towards her but it was the only way these annoying, ridiculous feelings were going to go away.

"Santana," she growled and I had one second to look over my shoulder at her in shock before she grabbed my arm and dragged me into the back room. I stared at her for a moment before she leant in and kissed me without warning.

It wasn't like yesterday's kiss. This one was more desperate, like she was searching for something and, before my brain could communicate with the rest of my body and tell it to pull away, I started to kiss back just as desperately. I didn't know what I was doing. All I felt was the need to reassure her that I liked her too and that she should stop being miserable.

I felt my hands grasp the back of her head as I tried to pull her closer and her hands threaded through my hair.

Then I felt her lick my bottom lip and every rational thought I had had since the kiss yesterday flew back to me.

I was kissing a girl.

I started to sob into her and pulled away. My hands were still on her and hers still on me. Her eyes softened sympathetically and she pulled me back into her, so that my head was buried into her neck and I let it all go. My tears were staining her shirt but I honestly couldn't bring myself to care. She was the reason I felt like this and I still didn't fucking understand!

"I'm straight," I whispered, trying to convince myself that I definitely was. I must have been. The amount of guys I had slept with in high school was astronomical. I was definitely straight... But Brittany still had the power to make me feel more vulnerable than any of those guys had.

At my words, Brittany's body tensed up and I felt her grip tighten in my hair. She pulled away slightly so she could look down at me. "Maybe you should go home, San."

I couldn't look in her eyes. "Why?"

"Because you're not in the state to work and you need to sort your head out," she sighed. I could tell that she was hurt by what I said. "If you're straight, San, I would appreciate it if you just came out and told me that you didn't like me instead of just plain ignoring me."

I finally looked up at her but she wasn't looking at me. I wanted to tell her either that I did like her so that she wouldn't feel so bad or that I didn't so I could just act like nothing had happened but nothing left my mouth. I just pulled away from her, grabbed my bag that was sitting on her work desk and left the shop.

I could feel her eyes on me as I left.


Rachel wasn't with Quinn when I got home. My best friend was, instead, focusing on her homework in the kitchen. She glanced up for a second when I walked in, looked like she was deciding whether or not to ask me about yesterday, and then focused on the books in front of her again.

I knew that she wouldn't actually ask me anything now. She'd wait until I told her what was going on. The only reason she had probably bothered yesterday was because I sounded like I was going to scream the whole apartment block down.

I was sure that she realised my eyes were red and that I was back from work far too early but I was glad she didn't ask why. No doubt she already knew it had something to do with Brittany since Rachel had managed to guess that and Brittany had come around yesterday to speak to me. I was grateful that she was respecting my privacy and not forcing me to tell her. And, to show my gratitude, I made her a cup of coffee.

She looked at it with a cautious expression and took of her glasses to study it closer. Then she met my eyes. "What is this?"

"It's coffee," I said, grinning at her. I was kind of proud that I had managed to actually make a cup of coffee but, when I looked down into my own cup, I frowned. The black bits weren't dissolving.

Quinn sighed and got to her feet. "Which pack of coffee did you use, Santana?"

I pointed to the pack and she picked it up, looked at the label and sighed again. She turned it around for me to see and pointed at the world 'filter'. "You see this?" she asked. I nodded. "This coffee is supposed to be used in the filtering machine."

I stared at her with a blank face and she stared right back before giving yet another frustrated sigh. She pointed at the weird looking machine next to the kettle. "That's the filtering machine." Then she opened the cupboard and took out another packet of coffee. "This is instant coffee that you make with the kettle."

I looked back down into my cup and then back up at Quinn with a sheepish smile on my face. "Can you make it?"

She gave in and shrugged. "I suppose," she muttered. "You know, San, I worry about what you're going to do when we no longer live together."

I smirked. "I'll hire a maid."

She gave me an annoyed glance over her shoulder before giving the coffee her attention again. "Is that all I am to you?"

"What can I say?" I said, grinning behind her back. "But don't worry, Quinn. You make a great maid."

She scoffed and gave me another annoyed look. She passed me a cup of coffee and made herself one. I took a sip and sighed. "That's good coffee."

She laughed as she drank her own. "One day I'll teach you how to make some."

I chuckled. I was happy that Quinn had managed to take my mind off Brittany for a while. I still felt a little nervous about the fact that I had music first thing in the morning tomorrow. It wasn't exactly like I'd left Brittany on good terms. I had literally just walked out on her. Maybe she'd be so angry at me that she wouldn't speak to me. I don't know why that made me so hopeful yet so hurt at the same time.

I finished my coffee as I thought about tomorrow and noticed that Quinn had gone back to her homework. She looked up as I put my mug in the sink and tapped her chin with her pen.

Then she sighed and I knew what was coming. "San, what's going on?"

I didn't meet her eyes. "Nothing much. Just ignore me, Quinn. I'll be fine once I've sorted it out."

"Sorted what out?" I met her gaze and she had a questioning expression on her face. "I know it's about Brittany, San. Has she done something to you? Have you fallen out with her or something?"

I looked away again. "Something like that," I muttered. "Really, Quinn, you've got nothing to worry about. Can you just leave it?"

She paused for a moment and I glanced at her to get my answer. Her eyes were full of suspicion but she nodded her head anyway and let to subject rest as she went back to her books. I let out a breath of relief I hadn't realised I'd been holding as I walked out of the kitchen and towards my room.

As much as I loved Quinn, I wasn't going to tell her about what was happening between me and Brittany. Yes, she'd be perfectly accepting of everything but I couldn't help but think she'd believe this was a secret I'd been keeping a while. Not the whole me and Brittany thing but me liking... well, me possibly liking girls. And, the thing that would make that situation even more awkward was high school.

But that's for later.

I chucked my bag onto my bed and took my phone out of my pocket as I felt it vibrate. It was Puck. I watched his face flashing up on my screen for a while but eventually I pushed the decline button. I wasn't in the mood to speak to him. He hadn't told me what the fuck-

That's when I realised that what Puck was going through was a lot similar to what I was going through. I sat down on my bed in shock. I was such a hypocrite. I was about to ring him back but paused. What exactly was I going to say to him? 'Hi, Puck. I'm sorry about the other day when I was angry about you being gay but... here's the thing; I think I might be gay too. Yeah, funny story, right?" There was no way he was going to let this go if I told him.

I let my head hit my pillow. My life was becoming such a mess. I still wasn't entirely sure who Brittany was. I knew she was keeping secrets and, even though they were small, there must have been a reason why she was keeping them.

I think I probably had a crush on Brittany. The thought made me sick to the stomach and tears come to my eyes but I tried my best to remain calm. It wasn't like I hadn't had a girl crush before. I mean, those crushes were usually on celebrities who I would probably never meet, not someone who had the same feelings for me. I would get over this.

I just needed to build up the courage to tell Brittany that I couldn't do this. That I liked her but I couldn't be with her.

Because I'm straight.


Everyone was sitting in the college theatre as we waited for Mr Schue to walk onto the stage. I had decided to sit next to Mercedes again because she appeared to be paying more attention to Sam then she did winding me up and I didn't want to be on my own which might encourage Brittany to talk to me.

Mr Schue came onto the stage with a big smile on his face which either meant he had found a new Beast or Finn had decided it was time to be pushed out of the closet. He clapped his hands to get everyone's attention.

"Okay, guys," he shouted. "Calm down. Calm down. I have found a new person to play the Beast and, although this may not be the most conventional casting choice, I think it's probably the most convenient. I was rather surprised that nobody else here wanted to play the Beast but I respect all of your decisions and I'm happy with how this turned out. So, everybody, please welcome our new cast mate."

Everyone waited anxiously for whoever it was to make an appearance on the stage, me most of all. After all, I was going to have to spend a load of time with whoever walked out and took on the role of the Beast. I just hoped they were nothing like Finn.

As they walked out on stage, I realised that my life could not possibly get any worse than it was right now.

Mercedes was chuckling as she leaned over to talk to me. "Hey, San. You get to hang out with your girlfriend even more now."

I got to my feet to glare at her and she stopped laughing. Everyone was staring at me now.

Mr Schue looked at me, realisation dawning on his face. "Oh, Santana. Are you okay with this? I know there's a kiss scene towards the end so-"

I just glared at him and he stopped talking. I glanced towards Brittany and felt my stomach leap in a pleasant way which, in turn, created an unpleasant feeling. I felt my eyes tearing up but I refused to let anyone in this godforsaken class see me cry so I walked out of the theatre.

Footsteps were chasing after me. I knew who it was before she turned me around. "San, I'm sorry. I'll drop out if you want me to. I didn't even think about what the scenes would be like. I just wanted to sing and dance so I thought I could help Will. I'm sorry."

I shook her off and let the tears fall. "I'm just really confused right now," I explained to her.

She looked confused. "About what? Ducks? Because I've always wondered how they fly too."

I chuckled a little at that and she smiled at my laughter. Once it died away, I glanced away from her. "I'm confused about us, Britt. I don't get what's going on. Can we just... not speak for a bit? So I can get my head around this?"

She pulled her eyebrows together in confusion for a moment but her face relaxed soon afterwards. "Yeah, of course. I understand."

I gave her a tight lipped smile. "Thanks, Britt. I still think you're a great friend, you know?"

She smiled back sadly and nodded. "Yeah, I know."

"Thanks," I repeated before walked off and towards my car, wiping the tears from my face. I didn't feel like going to class right now. I was sure Britt would make an excuse for me.