Chapter Seven –What Becomes of a Broken Heart
He couldn't understand how things had gotten this way. Even as he sat alone by the pool he couldn't figure it out. He had been out here for hours just thinking. Since she left him that's all he had been able to do. Think.
He wanted it all to stop but his mind wouldn't allow it.
He kept replaying everything over and over in his head, all the things she said to him, her leaving, all of it. It wouldn't stop. He felt his hands start to shake once again and he quickly balled up his fists but it did no good. He could still feel his fingers shaking. This was all so stupid. He shouldn't have pushed her. Maybe if he hadn't then…
No, thinking like that would do no good. He needed to do what he did. Lucas had been right. He had to push her. It was the only way she was going to get better. He knew that he should have taken it slow with the room but once he had gotten in there he just needed to get all of the stuff out. It wasn't healthy for either of them to see it. It was time to let go.
He made the right choice even though she didn't understand it at the moment.
Two days. Two whole days that everything that meant anything to him had been ripped away from him. He could feel his chest tighten as a flash of her walking out the door entered his mind again. Never in his life had he pictured that moment. He never even thought it was possible. They had been so happy together. So happy.
Their life together had been a dream come true for him. He loved being a father and a husband. He didn't know how to be anything else.
This was just so damn hard.
What did she mean when she said that she needed time away from him? How long? He needed to know. It had only been two days and already this distance thing was killing him. Even before when she was held up in that room at least she was close enough to him. He needed that, needed her. Didn't she get that? Why leave him? Was he that horrible of a husband?
"It hurts to be around you…it hurts to look at you. She looked just like you."
He flinched in pain as he remembered her words before she left. He got it now. He understood why she couldn't bear to look at him. He felt everything inside of him aching. How would they get pass that? Just her being around him was hurting her and he didn't know how to make that stop. It's not like he chose how their daughter would look. It's not like he wanted this. He clenched his jaw. This was all just so fucking stupid.
He swayed his feet in the cool water as he glanced out into the distance. He could hear someone calling for him but he didn't have the energy to get up and respond. Hopefully whoever it was would just go away. He couldn't deal with anything right now. His mind was still trying to process the fact that his wife had left him.
"Nathan."
He sighed deeply as Lucas' voice became clearer. It was seconds later that he heard the back door open and then close.
"There you are," Lucas called out. "What are you doing out here?"
He shrugged as his eyes stayed glued to the water. It wasn't long until he felt his brother take a seat next to him. He couldn't find it in him to look at Lucas. His brother had always been so good at reading him. He could feel his heart pounding hard in his chest and he didn't know why. For some reason talking to anyone at this point would somehow make everything that happened in the last two days seem real and he didn't want that.
"Where have you been? I haven't heard from you and Dad said that you haven't been into work for the last two days. Is everything ok?" Lucas asked carefully.
He shook his head slowly. "She left me. She took Jamie and she…left."
"What?"
"She said that she needed time away from me," Nathan added.
"From you? What? That's just –"
"It's the truth, Luke. You didn't see the way she looked. She's in so much pain right now and I…" he could feel his throat tighten as a few tears fell from his eyes.
"You're in pain, too."
"It's different for her. She said that she couldn't look at me anymore because Nevaeh looked just like me. She said it hurt too much to be around me. How do we get pass that?"
"I don't know," Lucas sighed angrily. "I can't believe she just left."
"I don't know how to live without them," Nathan whispered.
"Did she say how long she'd be gone?"
"No."
"Did she say anything else?"
"Not really."
"I can't believe she took Jamie. Why? It's not like she's –"
"Don't," Nathan warned him angrily. "Don't go there. She took Jamie because she needs him right now. She's been doing better and it's for him. I couldn't take that away from her. She'd really be lost if she didn't have him."
Lucas nodded. "I get it. I just wish…I don't want to see you hurting like this."
"I know," Nathan mumbled. "Jamie's become this life force for her. It's like she's only Haley when he's around. She doesn't even bother to try when he's not. I'm glad that she has that. I just want her to get better…even if I'm not the one that she needs right now."
"I'm so sorry man. What did you do…after they left?"
"Watching her walk away and not go after her was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I was so hurt at first, then I got really angry, and then I got a little drunk. But today I just can't stop thinking about it…where it went wrong. Why won't she let me help her? I miss them so much."
"I know that this won't help now but it will get better," Lucas promised.
He shook his head. "I don't know, man. I don't know how we get pass this. I don't even know if she wants to get pass this. I just don't know anything right now."
"You'll get through this. I know it. You're the strongest person I know."
"I don't know about that."
"You are."
"I don't know how to be me without them. I don't know how to do anything without them…"
He really didn't. What was the point in living if he couldn't have them? They meant everything to him, always had. Life without them just didn't seem possible. He didn't even want to think about her not coming back to him.
"Haley loves you, Nate."
"What if it's not enough?"
Lucas placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You're both going to get pass this."
He wanted to believe Lucas more than anything at the moment but he just couldn't. Even if she was still living here with him they'd still be a million miles apart. He hadn't been close to his wife since before the accident. He didn't know if they'd be as close as they were before and it terrified him. She was the best part of him and he needed her.
"It feels…" his voice cracked, "…it feels like someone ripped out my heart."
She kept her eyes glued to the ceiling as she glanced up at fluorescent stars that covered it. It seemed like a lifetime ago that she and Brooke had put them up there. Her hand continued to move back and forth over her flat stomach. No matter how much she tried she couldn't stop. She felt so empty without the huge bump that used to be there.
Her room was so dark that she could still see a little light glow from the stars hanging up. They had been up there so long she wondered how she could still see them. But she liked the dark now. For the last two days she had tried her best to pretend that everything was ok in the world and be there for Jamie but in the back of her mind she knew that that wasn't the case. She was so far from ok.
All she had been able to think about was Nathan's face and his pleading voice as she left him. The void in her heart where he used to be ached more than ever. It was strange being this far away from him, knowing that he was all the way across town hating her. They had been together for so long. This was just all so different.
She didn't know what to do. Jamie was taking his nap and she had been laying here waiting for him to wake up. She felt a soft knock on her door but she didn't bother to move. It was probably her mother pushing more food on her. It was seconds later that she heard the door open.
"Sweetheart."
"Yeah, Dad," Haley muttered softly.
"There's someone here to see you," Keith stated carefully as he stood in the doorway.
She shook her head. "I don't want to see anyone."
"It's…it's him," Keith muttered.
She glanced at her father quickly. He only nodded and she closed her eyes at the thought of Nathan standing out there waiting for her. She could feel that huge hole in her start to burn. She opened her eyes at her father's voice.
"He's your husband, Haley. I think you should go talk to him. He doesn't look so good."
She could feel a few tears roll down her cheeks. She swallowed the lump in her throat before getting out of her bed. The walk downstairs felt like the longest walk of her life. By the time she made it to the door her heart was leaping out of her chest. She hadn't seen him in two whole days and she didn't know what to expect. She walked out the door slowly before closing it. She noticed him standing in the yard a few feet away from the porch. He was glancing down the road with his hands in his pockets. It was seconds later when he finally glanced at her. His eyes were cold and he quickly looked away.
She was taken back for a second but quickly recovered. She leaned up against the side of the house and placed a hand over her heart as she glanced at his tense body.
"I know you don't want to see me and…" he shrugged his shoulders as he searched for the right words.
Pain rippled through her whole body at the sound of his voice. Her father was right. He didn't look so good. It's all your fault, she told herself. She felt her heavy heart ache in her chest. She hated that he was hurting and that she was the one causing it. She was supposed to protect him from things like this not be the one making him hurt. It only seemed to make her hate herself more.
"Nathan," she whispered softly. If only he could understand, she thought.
"I just came by to tell you that I packed a few bags and I'm leaving the house so you and Jamie can be home. Jamie should be home, Haley, with his room and his toys. Enough is changing in his life…he doesn't need to live anywhere else."
She nodded even though he wasn't looking at her. He was right. "Ok. Where will you stay?"
"Like you care," Nathan spit out.
She flinched at his aggressive tone. "Don't say that. Of course I care."
She could hear him laugh bitterly before shaking his head. "Whatever. I'm going to stay at a hotel until I can find a place. Don't worry about me."
She always worried about him and she wanted to tell him but somehow she knew that he wouldn't believe her. Not now. Not after she left him and told him that she needed time away. He was hurting and this was his way of dealing with that.
"I'm thinking about going back to work," Haley stated softly.
He glanced at her for a second shocked before looking away. "That's good. I'm glad. It'll be good for you to get back into work."
"And I'm going to start seeing the therapist once a week now," Haley added.
He nodded. "Good."
"I'm really trying, Nathan."
"That's good."
"You can look at me you know," Haley whispered softly.
"I don't want to hurt you or make it hard for you," Nathan mumbled. "I just came by to tell you that you can go home with Jamie. I won't bother you again."
She closed her eyes in pain once again. The agony in his voice was almost too much to bear. He was hurting so much because of her and all she wanted to do was make all his pain go away but she knew that she couldn't. She couldn't fix the pain she caused him. She couldn't even fix herself which she knew was the problem.
And here he was doing exactly what she asked him and somehow it seemed to make everything in her burn with pain more. He was only giving her what she wanted. She told him that it hurt to look at him so he wasn't looking at her. She told him she needed time and space and he was only here to let her know that he'd keep away. The pain inside her seemed to rage on. She pushed the pain down as best she could.
"Nathan, you're not bothering me," she managed to choke out.
He glanced at her confused. "This is what you wanted, Haley. I'm trying to give you space from…me. I don't want to make you uncomfortable." His face was hard and his eyes were cold. Nathan had never looked at her that way before. She flinched in pain.
She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I should've never told you."
She knew that and it's why she had kept it in for so long. Telling him only seemed to make things worse. More than anything she wished that she could take it back. He didn't need to know all those things. It only hurt him.
"No, I'm glad you did. I understand now. I get it. Now, at least I know why you can't stand the sight of me."
"But –" she didn't want things to be this way. Really, she didn't. She didn't want to look at him and have it hurt. She wanted to look at him like she used to. She wanted so many things to be different. Somehow wanting them to be different wasn't enough.
"What did I do wrong?" Nathan questioned minutes later. "Just tell me."
She swallowed the lump in her throat. "Nothing. You didn't do anything. This is all me, Nathan."
"Was I a bad husband?"
She felt her feet moving before she could even think. She was in front of him a second later as she reached up and placed her hands on his cheeks forcing him to look at her. Their eyes locked and she ignored the yearning in her stomach at being this close to him.
"What? No," Haley rushed out honestly. "You've been the best husband and father. Don't ever think otherwise, Nathan. Never. You've given us the best life. I'm just so…"
He glanced away and her hands fell to her sides. "Did you tell him?"
She shook her head softly. "I tried but I couldn't…"
"He didn't ask any questions?"
"Yes. He didn't know why you weren't with us."
He closed his eyes. "We have to tell him something, Haley."
"I don't know what to say," Haley whispered.
"I'll tell him."
She shook her head. "No, I will. I'm the one…this is all on me, Nathan. I should be the one to tell him. I just need a little time to think of what to tell him…I don't know…"
"I'll do it," Nathan stated calmly.
"You don't have to do that." Here he was trying to save her again.
"He's going to start asking questions, Haley. You should start thinking about what you're going to do."
His tone was hard again. She felt her hands shaking.
"I don't know…I didn't plan this," Haley whispered.
He glared at her. "Well, this is what you wanted! We've got a son to think about too and he's going to know that things are changing. You can't just keep putting it off."
"I'm not trying to –"
"Daddy!" Jamie yelled excitedly as he raced out of the house. She watched as Nathan instantly changed before her eyes. His face lit up with excitement as Jamie jumped in his arms. Nathan held him tight, his eyes closed, as he ran a comforting hand over Jamie's back. She could feel the tears welling in her eyes at the sight of them.
"I missed you, buddy," Nathan whispered as he held him tight.
"Grandpa took me to work with him yesterday," Jamie grinned.
"Is that right?" Nathan chuckled. "Was it awesome?"
Jamie nodded. "He even let me help him fix one of the cars. It was so cool."
"I'm sure," Nathan smiled softly.
"Where have you been?" Jamie questioned.
Nathan glanced at her nervously not really sure of what to say. "I've been working."
"Are we going home?" Jamie questioned before glancing at her and then back at Nathan. She felt her heart tighten in her chest. She searched for words to explain but she couldn't seem to find them.
"Yep, you're going home," Nathan answered for her.
"Sweet," Jamie smiled. "Can we go swimming when we get back?"
Nathan glanced at her for a second unsure of what to say. "Actually, buddy, it's just going to be you and mommy. Daddy has to do something tonight."
"Can I come with you?" Jamie questioned.
"I don't know…" Nathan glanced at her unsure of what to say. She felt her heartbeat increase before she nodded softly.
She found her voice. "You should take him. He misses you."
"Sweet," Jamie grinned. "I'm going to go tell Lily, Grandma, and Grandpa bye."
Once Nathan placed him on the ground he took off running back into the house. She stood there in front of him as she held her tears in. Jamie had missed Nathan so much in the last two days.
"Thanks," Nathan muttered. "I miss him. I'll bring him by the house tomorrow."
She nodded. "Whenever you want to see him, Nathan. I'd never keep Jamie from you, you know that."
"I know."
He glanced away as they both waited. An uncomfortable silence filled the air. Before the accident that had never happened between the two of them. But now it seemed like every time they were around each other there was an uncomfortable silence and so many unspoken words.
Jamie raced out of the house again. "I'm ready, Daddy!"
She quickly wiped her eyes. "Come here, baby."
Lifting him up in her arms she held him tight for minutes.
"Have fun with, daddy."
"Bye, Momma," Jamie smiled before she kissed him. Jamie glanced at Nathan. "Aren't you gonna kiss Momma bye, Daddy?"
She felt her heart pounding all over her body as she shot a glance at Nathan. He stood there tensely with his hands in his pockets. She could feel her hands start to shake and she held Jamie tighter. Nathan moved towards them slowly before leaning in and placing a soft kiss on her cheek. Jamie smiled at the two of them happily.
"Let's get going, buddy."
She kissed Jamie once more and then placed him on the ground. He jumped back in Nathan's arms. Nathan glanced at her for a second before glancing at the ground.
"Bye, Hales."
Then they were gone. She didn't bother to move until she couldn't see the black Range Rover in the distance anymore. She walked into the house slowly and heard her parents in the living room laughing at each other. She felt an aching in her chest at the sound. Not so long ago that had been her and Nathan.
She walked to the kitchen slowly before fixing herself a glass of water. She stood in front of them sink as she took a sip. She wanted the pain to stop but she knew that it wouldn't. Reaching down, she rubbed her flat stomach. She didn't know why she was constantly rubbing there. It only made sadness wash over here every time she felt nothing there and it only reminded her of what was once there.
"I see Nathan took Jamie," Karen spoke up minutes later as she entered the kitchen.
She turned and smiled softly. "Yeah, they missed each other."
"How's Nathan doing?"
"I don't know," Haley whispered in pain. Of course she knew. He was hurting just as much as she was maybe even more.
"You know there's only so much a man can take before –"
"Before what?" Haley cut her off. She didn't like where this was going. It's not like she planned on any of this happening. They were supposed to be happier than ever right now. This wasn't supposed to be happening to them. She wasn't supposed to feel like a huge part of her was missing.
"I just hope you know what you're doing, Haley. I don't want to see you lose him. I mean are you ready for that? Are you ready to just give up on your marriage…on the life you've built together?"
She swallowed the lump in her throat. "He deserves better."
"If that's the way you feel," Karen stated sadly. "I just hope you're ready for what comes after that."
"What do you mean?"
"He's going to move on, Haley. Are you ready for that? Do you really want to see him with someone else? Because he won't wait forever. He's going to move on eventually and find someone else."
"God, Mom, don't say that!" She closed her eyes and willed the images of Nathan and another woman out of her head. She hated the thought of him with anyone else. She didn't want to think about him moving on at all. It hurt too much. She knew that her mother was right.
"I just want you to be prepared, sweetheart."
She glanced at her mom for a second before rushing out of the kitchen and up the stairs. She was almost to her room when she heard Lily giggling. She pushed Lily's door open slowly and noticed her little sister in front of her dollhouse with two dolls in her hands. She smiled when Lily noticed her.
"Want to play with me?" Lily questioned.
"Sure," Haley smiled. She took off walking and took a seat on the side of Lily. "What are you playing?"
"Well, this is the princess. I'm gonna put her in her room in the castle."
She placed the small doll in the room.
"And this is the prince," Lily smiled as she held up the small boy doll with the crown on his head. She placed him outside the castle by his horse. "You can be the maid."
"Thanks," Haley laughed as Lily placed a doll in her hands.
"Now the prince has to save the princess," Lily declared.
"He does?" Haley smiled softly.
Lily nodded her head with big eyes. "Yep. Then they can live happily ever after!"
No one ever tells you what comes after happily ever after, she thought sadly. She sat there and watched her carefree little sister get lost in her own little world. She wished that Lily never had to experience the pain she felt now. She wanted her sister to stay young and innocent oblivious to the pain that the world held.
Before she knew what was happening, Lily was hugging her tight.
"What's this for?" Haley asked with a soft laugh.
"I don't want you to be sad anymore," Lily stated as she hugged her tighter.
She rubbed her sisters back softly unsure of what to say.
"What's depression mean, Haley?"
"Where did you hear that?" Haley questioned seconds later after the shock wore off. She pulled Lily from around her so that she could see her face.
"Me and Jamie heard Mommy and Daddy talking last night and Mommy said that you were in a deep depression and we didn't know what that means," Lily said in a serious tone.
"Oh," Haley muttered. She didn't know what to say, how to explain.
"Lily," Karen called from the door. Haley glanced up and noticed her mother standing there looking at them sadly. With that one look she knew that her mother had heard everything that was said between them. "Why don't we go make cookies?"
"Ok," Lily grinned as she stood up and ran out of her room.
"I didn't mean for them to hear that," Karen stated.
Haley glanced at the ground. "I know."
"Why don't you come downstairs and help us?"
She shook her head as she stood up. "I think I'm going to go home."
"But you'll be all alone there and I don't –"
"I know," Haley replied as she glanced at her mother. "I want to be alone."
