…To Take a Step Back…
End of Previous Chapter:
Mac rolled his eyes. "I'm praying that I just fall asleep before we even get on the highway..."
Jo laughed and winked at him before they headed next door together to help Ellie.
Chapter 7: The first step is always the hardest
Jo sighed and glanced over at Mac seated in the passenger seat. "Mac. If you're trying to fall asleep, it helps to stay still… Just a suggestion."
Mac frowned. "I've never been very good at falling asleep while traveling…" He looked at his watch. They'd been in the car twenty minutes and he couldn't for the life of him find a comfortable position and doze off, despite being dog-tired after the previous night.
Ellie spoke up from the back seat. "Detective Tay…" She paused abruptly and shook her head. "I mean Mac… Do you want to borrow my iPod and listen to some music? That always helps me sleep. There are some old songs on it you might like."
"Ellie!" Jo admonished, turning back and glaring at her daughter, only to receive a disapproving look from Mac until she turned her full attention back to the road.
Ellie glared back at her mother in turn. "I meant like jazz and stuff, instead of alternative or rock. Geez, mom. Relax." She turned her gaze back to Mac. "You like jazz right? Mom said you play…"
Mac smiled. "Yes, Ellie I do. And as surprising as it may seem, I actually like some rock, too. You sure you don't want to listen yourself?"
"Nah, I can listen on my laptop if I want. I have other earphones…"
Mac reached back to take the proffered device. "Thanks, Ellie." He caught her gaze and smiled. "So, how do you happen to have 'old' music on your iPod?"
"Mom took it with her to DC once and had me put a bunch of old songs she likes on it. Some of them…," she paused to look pointedly at her mother, who smirked back, "…surprisingly enough, weren't so bad, so I kept a few." She smiled back at Mac. "You might find something you like…"
Ten minutes later, both Mac and Ellie were sound asleep, lulled from reality by their own private soundtracks. Jo smiled slightly and glanced at the road sign. One hundred more miles to New York City.
As Jo drove, her mind wandered and she thought back over the events of the past weekend. She knew how hard it must have been for Mac to reach out to her in the first place to talk about their friendship. How difficult it must have been to deal with her grouchy, hungover self the day before, although she couldn't resist a small snicker at that thought. And finally, she could only guess at how uncomfortable Mac likely felt being stuck overnight with her and Ellie.
Yet, in the end, things seemed to have turned out quite well. There may have been some rocky moments here and there, especially in the beginning. But then, that was a part of life. He'd gotten along surprisingly well with Ellie. And even though they hadn't had a lot of time to sit and talk together about their own issues, Jo felt they'd made an immense amount of progress in moving closer to the level of friendship she'd feared earlier they might have lost for good. They'd each managed to take those tentative first steps towards resolving their issues, and now things seemed to be falling back into place rather smoothly.
She smiled as she cast a quick glance over at his sleeping form. But her smile was quickly replaced by a frown as she suddenly felt rather guilty, knowing it was because of her that he'd gotten virtually no rest last night. Last night. She sighed, shifting uncomfortably in her seat as she thought a bit more about exactly what had transpired last night.
Jo had been caught off guard by their unexpected awkwardness around each other after she had spilled water all over herself. Curse her clumsiness… It was not often that she felt awkward around someone she was as close to as she was with Mac. She joked and kidded with him all the time at work. But for some reason, without the backdrop of the Lab and their defined professional roles, and certainly without the cover of their normal clothing, she'd suddenly felt very exposed last night in his room. And not only in the literal sense, but the figurative as well. And good Lord, how obvious could she have been, ogling his bare torso, when he'd only been trying to be a gentleman and literally hand her the t-shirt off his back. But then, he wasn't exactly innocent in all this either. He'd clearly been transfixed by her own figure, barely concealed under her wet tank top and Ellie's ill-fitting soccer shorts.
She let her mind ponder this seemingly sudden burst of mutual attraction. Not that she hadn't found Mac attractive, or admittedly, even sexy, before last night. That had pretty much been a given from day one. And she'd not hesitated in letting him know that very fact, through her playful teasing and joking around. But allowing herself to overtly react and respond to those feelings, as something real, not just the topic of her silly banter… That was something new. She was well aware of the fact that they were colleagues, who had to work closely together, who had to trust each other implicitly. She would never dare to let her more intimate feelings expose themselves, without the cover of a well-timed joke or barely acceptable innuendo, where they might potentially jeopardize her working relationships… She knew she was a talented flirt, but she did her best to keep it, well…flirty.
She wondered for a moment how Mac really felt about her. Whether or not he found her attractive, or - dare she think it - even sexy. He'd never said or done anything to her that could possibly be construed as having sexual undertones. Well, until that fleeting, yet unabashed stare of his last night. But then she wouldn't expect anything of the sort to come from him. He was way too reserved. Way to controlled. His fatigue last night must have gotten the better of him. She wondered idly whether he ever just let himself go around Christine. Good heavens, she certainly hoped so, or the man was likely to explode one day…
She glanced over at him again. He looked so calm and peaceful in his sleep. Seeing him dozing, she couldn't help her thoughts as they conjured back images from the dream she'd had earlier that morning. That apparently she'd begun to act out in real life. On poor, unsuspecting Mac, who was just trying to get some sleep at her side. She groaned inwardly, annoyed at her self for having lost control like that. But then, she'd been asleep. She couldn't help it. She thought back to their conversation at breakfast, realizing that he seemed to be under the impression she'd been thinking about Russ throughout that whole escapade. Thank heavens. She decided it might be best to just leave that misconception be.
She reached out and flipped on the radio, scrolling through the channels and searching for something to keep her company during the drive. An advertisement for - diamond wedding rings? Jo rolled her eyes. Her finger pressed the button to the next channel. Talk show – someone ranting on about…the hidden benefits of snail slime? Jo grimaced. Next channel. Newscast – she groaned. Was there no music at all on this forlorn stretch of highway? She was about to advance to the next channel when her finger froze. She was certain she'd just heard her name. On the radio. She fumbled with the controls, trying to turn the volume up slightly. But it was nearly over. The newscaster finished a sentence with 'NYPD'. Then mentioned Timothy Brown, the innocent victim in the chain of events on Friday. That his memorial service was scheduled for the next day. And then moved on to the afternoon forecast.
Jo's finger stabbed madly at the radio controls, trying to find the correct button to turn it off. Her brow furrowed. A slight shiver coursed through her spine. And her mind trailed back unbidden to two nights ago, to that alley, to the row of mailboxes in the wall. And to Keith Lewis, his back to her, rummaging frantically inside the opened box, ignoring her demands to show his hands. To her finger on the trigger. A hair's breadth from pulling it. Her finger closed more tightly. Only a moment away from the crack of the gun firing. She waited for the sound, for the recoil... Any second now… Her eyes were momentarily blinded by the flashing of the lights from the Avalanche behind her… The sudden flickering of the harsh florescent light affixed to the wall above Keith… Then, there was the distant sound of a siren, somewhere…
Jo swerved every so slightly, the realization that the flashing lights and the sound of the siren were actually right behind her, wrenching her attention back to the present. To the highway. To Mac's car. That she was driving. She realized her fingers were gripping the steering wheel as if it were a life preserver and she were afloat, alone, in the middle of the sea. Her heart was beating madly and a cold sweat had broken out on her forehead. She took a long, deep breath and glanced at the speedometer – only twelve miles over the limit… She let up on the gas slightly and frowned. Technically she'd been speeding, but surely not enough to warrant being pulled over. Yet the Highway Patrol car had fallen into place directly behind her and made no move to pass.
She let out a shaky breath, glancing over at Mac who was, thankfully, still sound asleep. She signaled, slowly pulling over and off the highway onto the shoulder, opening her window and keeping her hands visible on the wheel. She reveled in the feel of the chilled air blowing across her heated face and closed her eyes for just a moment, willing her breathing to return to a normal pace. She glanced back in the rear view mirror to see Ellie, just waking up, a slightly confused look on her face. Mac thankfully was still out. As the officer approached, she studied his reflection intently in the side mirror, sizing him up. As he stopped in front of the car window, she swallowed hard and a mask of calm serenity descended over her face. She looked up and, casting a quick glance at his nametag, smiled politely up at him. "Good morning, Officer Jenkins…"
-/-/-/-/-
Just under an hour later, Mac began to awaken. Stretching out his legs and glancing blearily outside, he realized he knew this particular stretch of the New Jersey turnpike quite well. Looking down at his watch, his brow furrowed, and he looked back out the window a moment before finally glancing over at Jo.
"How fast have you been going anyway?" His voice sounded rather harsh, and Jo hoped it was just from having been asleep, and not a reflection of his mood.
She tried a sweet smile. "We're almost there. Hardly any traffic. And I'm a very efficient driver."
But his expression was anything but sweet in return. "Define efficient."
She frowned. "Meaning I drive at a steady speed, taking advantage of any openings in traffic. If I get behind someone driving slowly, I pass them immediately rather than waiting around for them to come to their senses and figure out what the actual speed limit is."
Mac frowned. Jo glared. Ellie smirked as she spoke. "That's my mom's interpretation of the concept more commonly known as speeding."
Jo shushed Ellie with a pointed look, but spoke calmly to Mac. "You know, you think we're arriving early, but we're not even there yet. You're forgetting that occasionally there's traffic in the City. Estimated driving times are just that. Estimations. Who knows when we'll actually arrive… We could be stuck out here another hour, or fly through and be home in ten. There are a lot of factors…"
He glanced around him, realizing they were crossing the George Washington bridge and he cut her off.
"Where exactly are we going?"
Jo looked confused. "Ah… New York City? Home?"
Mac frowned. "Yes, thank you. I mean where exactly? You're heading to your place?"
"Well, yea, I figured we'd drive by my place, drop Ellie and I off, then you'd take your car to…wherever you're headed."
Mac sulked. "Oh."
Jo couldn't help but notice the grumpy look on his face. Her shoulders sagged slightly. "I take it I figured wrong heading to my apartment?"
"Well, I was assuming we'd just go to the Lab."
She scoffed. "The Lab? Mac… You're not on shift."
Mac took a deep breath. "I know, but your car's there. And I am on call – my kit is still at the Lab, as is the Avalanche…"
Jo frowned. "Oh, Lord, my car. I completely forgot. It's been there since Friday. Sorry."
He shrugged. "Just get on the Henry Hudson, hopefully we'll just breeze down…"
She glanced at him skeptically. "Since when have you ever known traffic to breeze down the Henry Hudson?"
"Well, I suppose you could put those 'efficient' driving skills to work…"
"You're telling me to speed?"
He smirked at her. "So Ellie was right - that is what you were trying not to say all along, huh?"
Ellie sniggered from the back seat. "You two sound like you're married, did you know that?"
Jo cast a wary look in Ellie's direction. "How on earth would you know what married people sound like?"
Ellie shrugged. "I don't know. People always use that expression when two people are bickering about unimportant things, don't they? 'You sound like an old married couple…'"
Jo frowned at Ellie in the rear-view mirror. "Well, thank-you for including the 'old' part…"
Ellie shrugged. "Well, it's just part of the expression… Which seems pretty accurate."
Jo scoffed slightly. "When Russ and I were married, I'm pretty sure our bickering didn't sound anywhere near as civil as this…"
Mac eyed her. "If he valued his life, Russ probably wouldn't have given you the keys to his car in the first place…"
"Mac Taylor… Pipe down over there. You were asleep the whole time. What could you possibly know about my driving?"
"I know that the only blemish on your otherwise exemplary record are those four little speeding tickets you've managed to accumulate over the years."
"Mac… Four tickets… Spread out over several years; I've been driving for quite a while - need I remind you how old we both are?"
He let out a quiet laugh of amusement. "I always had a sneaking suspicion you went into law enforcement just so you'd have an excuse to drive fast on occasion… Or a way to get out of it if you got caught."
"Like today, huh?" Ellie piped up again from the back-seat.
Mac's eyebrows rose significantly. He glanced back at Ellie then began staring over at Jo.
She frowned. "You're both distracting me from driving…"
Mac continued staring at her. "Did you get another speeding ticket while I was asleep?"
"No, I did not." She sounded decidedly miffed. "I might have gotten pulled over. I was going a few miles over – nothing dangerous. Other people were passing me like wildfire. But you know how it is - out in the middle of nowhere. The Highway Patrol has nothing much interesting to do so they tend to stop you for every minor infraction. He didn't even give me the ticket in the end."
"Flash your badge?"
"I don't even have it on me. Desk duty 'til tomorrow morning, remember…"
"Flash him one of your smiles?"
"Mac! Watch what you're implying…" She couldn't tell if he was joking or serious, as she didn't dare take her eyes off the road now in the City traffic. "No, I may have mentioned we were both with the NYPD, he said he'd seen a newscast about the standoff at the precinct last Friday. We got to talking and he was nice enough to let me off."
Ellie suddenly broke in. "Wait, how come you're on desk duty? Did you do something wrong?"
Jo groaned. "No Ellie, I didn't do anything wrong. Just – I was involved in a shooting. Standard procedure. Let's talk about it later, ok? We're almost at the Lab."
"You shot someone again? When? Are you ok?" Her voice was a mixture of concern and curiosity. "Is that why you got drunk?"
Jo let out a long sigh. "El. Please. We'll talk when we get home, ok?"
Ellie huffed, mumbling something about honesty, and jammed her earbuds back into her ears. Mac decided perhaps it'd be best if he followed suit.
Fifteen minutes later they pulled into the garage at the Lab. Jo pulled into a space next to her own car, turned off the ignition and handed the keys over to Mac with a smile. "See? Safe and sound… And it's only 10:45. Plenty of time to meet Christine for lunch before you're on call…"
Mac sighed and busied himself undoing his seat belt and handing Ellie's iPod back to her. "She had to cancel. Her assistant called in sick. She had to go in early and prep for brunch instead."
Jo looked at Mac. "Oh, that's too bad. So go surprise her at the restaurant."
Mac shrugged. "With my luck, the instant I walk in the door, I'll get a call out. It's probably best not to." He got out of the car and opened the trunk, pulling out Ellie's bags and setting them down near Jo's car.
Ellie managed to extract her self from the backseat and turned to her mother. "Mom, could we go up to the Lab so I can use the bathroom before we drive home?"
Jo nodded vaguely as she and Mac finished putting Ellie's bags into her car. She closed the trunk and they stood staring at each other a moment, until Mac spoke. "Shall we?"
Jo stared at him as he moved towards the elevators. "Mac, I'm serious. You're not going up to the Lab…"
"Well, I'm on call."
"Well, that doesn't mean you're chained to your desk, waiting for the next call out. You could just go on about your life, you know… Come on. Batman doesn't just hang out in the bat cave waiting to be launched in the Batmobile. Superman didn't camp out in front of phone booths all day and night. They had lives, if I recall… Social lives even…"
Mac's eyebrows quirked. "You're categorizing me with superheroes now?"
Jo rolled her eyes, a playful smile finally descending over her face. "Well, of course. You swooped in and saved me this weekend, didn't you?"
Mac thought a moment and turned to Jo, a silly smile on his face. "Well, maybe you're right – that did require certain superhuman qualities. Extreme patience topping off the list…"
She frowned and reached out to slap his arm, but he deftly maneuvered away. Ellie rolled her eyes at them, but couldn't help the small smile that broke out.
The elevator doors opened and as they filed inside, Jo glared playfully at Mac. "Go out and enjoy the day Mac. Go see Christine. Or come over and have lunch with us if you want. Join us for our movie marathon. We won't complain if you get called out and have to leave."
Mac frowned. "Your unbridled enthusiasm for my company is touching. But really, Jo, I've got paperwork to catch up with… I didn't accomplish anything on Friday… I didn't even set foot in my office when it was all over, fearing what I'd find after having been holed up in the Precinct the whole day."
The doors opened on the Lab and they exited, Ellie heading off in the direction of the restrooms.
"You need help?" Jo called after her.
Ellie groaned. "I'm fifteen, mom. Please."
Jo frowned and turned to Mac standing in the hall, staring at her in turn. He shifted slightly, suddenly feeling uncomfortable now that they were alone again. He looked at the floor a moment and cleared his throat before looking up again, his face serious.
"Are you going to be ok, Jo?"
Jo looked at him askance. "Why wouldn't I be ok?"
He looked at her a moment, uncertain how to proceed, but she stared right back at him. He glanced at the hallway where Ellie had headed, making sure she was gone, then looked back to Jo. "We talked about a lot of things this weekend, Jo. And I feel we made a lot of progress…"
"Still got your eye on checking me off your list by tomorrow morning?"
He frowned. "I don't have any 'list', Jo. I'm serious. We never talked about the shooting. In fact, that's the one thing I got the feeling you were trying to avoid. And that's not like you. That's what I do – but not you. And now Ellie's asking you about it. And if I remember right, you have your psychiatric evaluation tomorrow morning, right? Before they release you back to active duty… I just thought maybe you'd want to talk about what happened…in a more relaxing setting."
Jo opened her mouth to speak. But closed it suddenly. She looked at Mac. Thought back to Friday night. How she'd yearned to talk to someone about how she felt. Not just someone. Him, specifically. How she'd even hazarded that middle of the night phone call, only to hang up at the last minute. Fearing that their near-broken friendship wouldn't withstand the additional weight if she piled on her nagging self-doubt about the shooting. But now, here was that chance, that opportunity, to open up. To share that burden she was carrying. With Mac.
He reached out and placed his hand on her left arm. He almost expected to feel the soft warmth of her skin, just as he had last night. But it was just the cool, supple leather of her jacket instead. "Jo. Please don't push me away. Not after everything we went through this weekend. You wanted to talk, you told me yourself. And I'm here…ready to listen." He frowned. "The first step is always the hardest, right? And I'm pretty sure we already went through that and then some this weekend. It should be smooth sailing from here on out." He was trying to make her laugh, but it failed miserably. He sighed. "Just talk to me… Please?"
She could see the sincerity in Mac's face. He wanted to be there for her. He wanted her to talk to him. She opened her mouth again. But her attention was drawn to the hallway, where she could hear the sound of Ellie's crutches echoing from around the corner.
Jo's mouth closed and she shook her head at Mac, taking a slight step back so that he was arm fell from hers, back to his side. "No, I'm fine Mac. Really. I should get Ellie home anyway. But thanks…"
Mac frowned, about to say something further when Ellie rounded the corner at the far end of the hall. He sighed and took a step back himself. "Will Ellie go back to school tomorrow?"
Jo shook her head. "Teacher in-service days – no school 'til Wednesday."
He nodded. "Look, Jo… If you need a personal day tomorrow to stay home with her, or …whatever else, I understand."
Jo smiled softly, nodding in the direction of her daughter. "Well, I'm guessing my help's not going to be desired. But I do think it'd be safer if she had someone around. I'll figure it out. In any case, I have the psych interview first thing tomorrow – it might look rather bad if I didn't even show up." She chuckled, adding as an afterthought, "…but thanks."
Mac thought a moment. "Well, you could just go home after the interview if you want…"
"Nah. It's fine. I'll call Tyler – he just finished third quarter mid-terms and has a couple days off too. I'm sure he'd love to spend one of them hanging out with his sister."
"I thought he was in DC with Russ."
"They come back…" She furrowed her brow. "Hmm. Either tonight or tomorrow. I'll have to check. But don't worry. I'll be in Monday as soon as I finish up the psych eval."
They both stopped talking as Ellie approached, frowning. "Tyler's going to 'babysit' me tomorrow? You've got to be kidding, right?"
Jo cast a forlorn look at Mac and pressed the elevator call button, shaking her head. Mac gave her a resolute smile and turned to head towards his office. "Have a good afternoon." He called softly over his shoulder.
"Mac…" Jo called out, and he stopped, turning back to look at her inquisitively. She eyed him a moment, then smiled softly. "Thanks, Mac. For everything this weekend. I mean it."
Ellie smiled. "Yea, thanks Detective Taylor." She rolled her eyes at herself. "Mac, I mean. Thanks for driving up to get me…"
Mac smiled at them both. "It was my pleasure." Mac stared at Jo a moment, hesitating before adding, "Call me if…if you need anything. I mean it."
Jo stared him a moment, then nodded, a small smile spreading across her lips, that didn't quite reach into her eyes. He nodded softly then turned and walked to his office, smiling a humorless smile as he listened to Ellie complaining to her mom about Tyler and his 'complete inability to cook'.
A/N: Thank you so much for all the great reviews… This chapter was perhaps a bit slow. But in the next one, things will take a turn for the… well, I won't spoil it. It is nearly written, though, so it'll be up before the end of the weekend. Happy Friday…
