Ukyo:
I open it up and at the top of the page, it reads "My Diary and Poems," at first I am shocked - Akane never seemed like the type to write - let alone write poetry. I can feel myself swallowing hard - I don't actually want to know what she has written about. It isn't just the guilt of invading her privacy that keeps me from turning the page - it's the fear of knowing her deepest feelings and the responsibility that carries. I could potentially find out more than just what it is that currently ails her. It could be information that I will forever have embedded in my mind - things I absolutely never wanted to know about her.
I feel my thoughts shift to Ranma and how worried he is about Akane. This was all my idea in the first place. Obviously, this is what I get for trying to help - I should know better than to stick my nose in other people's problems. I love Ranma so much. I just want to see him at ease - maybe it will be worth whatever I find out. With a heavy heart and uneasy hand - I turn the page.
-Akane's Diary-
Dear.. oh this is stupid… I have decided to try and keep a diary to try and get my thoughts under control. It feels like I can't escape them no matter how I try to get away. It doesn't matter if I run from them or crawl. They slither their way back to the forefront of my psyche. They maliciously burn away every positive emotion through their journey of defiling my spirit. Once the thoughts are there they feel as though they're going to bubble over like I am a boiling tea kettle. These painful messages from the darkness of a broken Akane cannot get out under any circumstances. They are the most private thoughts ever contained within my being. I will write of them to protect myself from having them escape my body in an alternative way.
I have been having terrible nightmares. I am so exhausted and despondent. Even though I am surrounded by people who love me - I feel completely and utterly alone. My soul has become obsessed with everything I have said and done wrong. My heart is tormented with all that I have lost and my skin is plagued with all the pain it has endured. It feels as though I deserve to suffer. It is as though I am standing at the side of a great river and everyone I love is on the other side. All they see is a tiny stream - they call to me telling me to cross over - but there's no way I can…. my eyes see something uncrossable. I wish I could stop my eyes from seeing anything at all.
My Poems:
No More
"I wake up in the morning feeling like a wreck
Life is a rope slowly tightening around my neck
I have a picture-perfect family, I treasure them, I want to make them proud
But my weak soul and heart have been plowed
I march to the beat of the living
Life's motto: "Be confident and forgiving"
My heart cannot pardon him
I want to kill him, cut him up, limb by limb
How can I continue to live normally
When I can't even greet a single person warmly
When walking into a school classroom
There is a feeling of powerful gloom
My face begins burning and people are left to assume
So the people just stare
And I just stand wishing I wasn't there
The redness fills me with such dread
At those times I'd rather be dead
Fear runs my soul
I've lost all the control
It's like everyone can see
What the bad man did to me
Life is the playground of hell
Where the weakest of the weak say their farewell
Although no one starts off that weak
But once the bad ones see you're a special kind of unique
They'll begin to tear at your flaw
They're like rats as they begin to gnaw
Soon your personality begins to fall away
And you begin putting everyone at bay
So I beg through the night
And I lay there in my spite
Then comes the feeling of intense hate I just want to start over, like a blank slate
People are born so cruel
And society lets these people rule
I hear people say, try and enjoy your one life
Truthfully, I dream of slitting my throat with a knife
But instead, you wake up and put on a fake smile
And you get used to this certain lifestyle
When your alarm clock starts beeping
And you feel your heart start weeping
Then you begin to selfishly pray
that maybe, just maybe, you won't wake up the next day
You come home from a miserable day and you stare in the mirror
You see the ugly truth and things get a little bit clearer
You stand in silence and beg yourself to rethink
Still, you can't go back, so you take a step and let yourself sink."
Title: Please Stop
"The one trait that everyone saw in me was my strength
Now though, I want everyone at arm's length
You stole my might with every thrust
Because you couldn't control your lust
All that is left of me is a ghost
I can still hear each and every boast
Bragging about all the woman you've abused
Elatedly describing each and every bruise
I can still feel your feigned caress
I was nothing more than something to possess
You carved "mine" into my back
As though I was a prized plaque
You whispered to me that I was worthless
And now every day I fear you will resurface
To prove to me I am forever yours
I can only hope my soul endures
I desperately want to be free
My mind just won't let me be
Please, oh please, stop the dreams
I am so tired of hearing my screams
You have left this scar on me like a tattoo
I just don't know who I can turn to
I want a gun to blow through my brain
So I don't have to feel like I am going insane."
Writing is soothing - maybe I'll write again soon. This will be the end of my diary entry for today. I need to sleep.
