AN: This is an edited chapter. From here on, the story has changed a bit from the original. Pretty much just extends the timeline a bit.
The following two weeks flew by in a haze of classes and confusion. I got lost a few times on my way to classes and was shocked when Edward declared that he wasn't going to attend college with me. He had gotten sick of studying and wanted to try working for a bit. I was helping him to apply for jobs, not that he needed it, and he eventually got one as a counsellor. He was always good with his words and his ability to read minds helped him a lot.
I would text Jake a fair bit in between classes. There wasn't any mention of what happened on his couch at all. It was mostly friendly banter which was good. There was no awkwardness between us that I could sense, which was a relief. I still hadn't decided how I felt about the whole thing and I was keen to just store it in a compartment of my mind to think about it later.
The moments where Jake didn't text back straight away, I would start to feel sad and anxious until I saw his name flash up on my screen again. It was like an addiction. I was addicted to Jake.
I felt immense guilt over what had happened with Jake but at the same time, when Edward wasn't around, I felt oddly disconnected from him. In some ways, it felt like he didn't matter to me, like his feelings didn't matter. I found myself ignoring his texts and silencing his calls, blaming it on college life.
My entire being wanted Edward more than anything while he was around. When he was near me, I couldn't stop obsessing about how much I just wanted to be with him... In every way. Even though I told Edward I was happy to wait, I was only human and my hormones and instincts were driving my desires for that physical connection with another person
I thought everyday about breaking up with Edward and even planned it all out in my head on the odd occasion. No matter how desperately I wanted to leave Edward and be with Jake, when push came to shove, I was a coward, and Edward's pull was captivating. In my head, I knew that I loved Edward. My head was planning a life with him, thinking about the future and staying on the course I set upon when I first laid eyes on him. I reminded myself daily that I loved Edward, that I chose Edward, but there was something else playing at me that I couldn't pinpoint.
When Edward wasn't around and the fog lifted from my brain, I would think about Jake and about how selfish I felt, keeping him close, but not too close. Close enough to fulfil my obsessive need to have his presence in my life, but not lose enough to give him false hopes of a life together.
I was so messed up, it was like I was perpetually confused. My heart belonged to Edward while he was around but to Jake when he was gone. And Edward was gone a lot. His new job had him travelling quite a bit and he would go off hunting on weekends. Those weekends, my confused heart would flutter at the idea of how easy it would be to be with Jake. Not having to worry about being safe or careful. Just free. "Easy as breathing". I thought about Jakes words to me in his house the night he was injured. He was right, it would be as easy as breathing. I just had to take that first breath and I didn't know how.
By the time the second college weekend had rolled around, I decided that I would go and visit Charlie. I had planned to take him to the grocery store and stock up on healthy food that he could attempt to cook for himself. I guessed that he was getting a lot of take out and I was proven right when I looked in his garbage bin and saw the evidence.
After a long day of shopping and preparing some meals to freeze for Charlie, I decided to stay the night at Charlies. Edward was away again, so there wasn't anybody waiting for me back at the apartment.
After eating dinner and cleaning up, I sat down with Charlie to watch a movie. He seemed interested in it, but all I could think about was Jake. I sent Jake a text, asking what he was doing. He replied immediately telling me he was with the guys. I hesitated before letting him know I was at Charlies.
I wasn't sure why I told him I was there or what I thought would happen. Being in Forks, I felt so close to Jake, like I could reach out and touch him. When Jake didn't reply, I guessed he was busy and put my phone down and got up to empty the dishwasher. While I was up, I grabbed the bag of garbage that had accumulated and took it out to the bins.
I pulled on my jacket before heading out, and shut the door behind me. The bins were beside the house and as usual, the shadows from the trees were swaying in such a way that creeped me out. I quickly tossed the bag into the bin and turned to head back inside.
As I spun around, I lost my balance and felt myself fall. This wasn't unusual, and as I braced for impact with the hard ground, soft warm hands caught me.
I was pulled upright and set on my feet. I looked up and saw Jake standing in front of me, grinning.
"Bells, you can't be trusted" he said in a quiet voice
"What are you doing here?" I asked. "I thought you were having a night with the guys?"
"Yeah well I received some valuable information that a gorgeous girl was in the area and I had to come look for myself" he said with a wink.
I looked around the empty yard as though looking for this invisible person and Jake laughed.
"Shhhh" I said. "Charlie will have a fit if he sees you here". Jake looked up at the sky, as though concentrating on something he couldn't see.
"Nope, Charlie's asleep" he said.
"Riiiight, you can hear him breathing" I said as I strolled around the back to the outdoor table and chairs. "You wanna sit?" I asked.
"Only if you sit with me. Not much point sitting here by myself" he said with a laugh. I rolled my eyes. Always the jokester, I thought as I sat down.
We sat talking for a while before there was a silence that neither of us could fill. I began thinking about how easy it was talking to Jake, but also worried my life with Edward. I loved Edward. I knew I loved Edward. I had been with him for the last few years and I was planning my future with him. But I couldn't shake the feeling I got when I was with Jake.
"Bella…" he began.
"Please Jake, don't" I begged.
"No, I'm sorry I need to say this… Bella I love you. I want you in my life and I don't care what that looks like, but I'm not giving up on you" he said, looking into my eyes. I felt as though he was looking deep into my soul, seeing into all of my hopes and fears.
"I'm just so confused Jake" I said, honestly.
"I know" he said as he reached over and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "That's why I am willing to wait. Or to just be here for you, no matter what that means".
"What if I never figure it out?" I asked.
"Then I will be your amazing best friend, forever" he said. The thought of that made me sad. Jake, sticking by me forever in hopes that one day I will figure myself out.
"I don't want you to ever go away Jake, but I can't hold you back from living a life you deserve" I said.
"I'll be ok Bella. As long as I get to see you, talk to you and text you, I have everything" he said.
I leaned over the chairs and hugged him tight. We stayed like that for a while before Jake let go slightly. I released my grip when I realised it was me who was holding onto him and he leaned back with a smile. That smile. Oh no, I thought to myself as I leant in and kissed him. As much as I thought about how wrong it was, it felt so right. This time it was Jake who eventually pulled away and got up to leave.
"I'll text you" he said as he kissed the top of my head. I nodded and watched as he walked away and into the night.
The next morning, I woke early and decided I needed to head back home to get some assignments done. I said goodbye to Charlie and hopped in my truck. Before starting the engine, I looked over the texts Jake had sent me after he left the night before. He told me how badly he wanted to stay but he knew that if he did he wouldn't have wanted to leave. It made sense because I knew that if he stayed, things might have gotten even more complicated than they already were.
I hit the delete button, covering my tracks, just as Mandy had said. I was certain that it was essential now. I couldn't let Edward see the text conversations that Jake and I had been having. I was now in the midst of an affair. I started the engine and headed towards the home I had with Edward, my head full of confusion.
The closer I got to Port Angeles, the more I thought about Edward and how I did in fact love him. I thought about all of his amazing qualities and how I knew he would do anything to make me happy. Well, almost anything.
When I walked in to our apartment, Edward was there. He had come home early and cooked me an amazing lunch. This was just another thing he could do perfectly.
We had a really lovely day together. All thoughts of Jacob, as usual had left my mind, because I was completely absorbed in Edward. After lunch, we went for a walk around the dock and looked through the shops on the main street. We stopped for dinner at a nice restaurant and afterwards we went home and sat on the couch to watch a movie together. I was laying against a thick blanket that had been placed against Edward's chest, the only way we were able to snuggle comfortably. I must have fallen asleep half way through the movie because I woke up as Edward was carefully placing me into bed. I smiled as he kissed me goodnight and rolled over and drifted off into a dream filled sleep.
Every night I dreamt about Jake, and tonight was no exception. The dreams often felt so real, I usually woke up not knowing where I was and sweating profusely. I would dream about Jacob's body and about the way his hands felt when they brushed against my skin. Every night was the same, but slightly different and I was devastated to wake up every morning and put an end to the life I was living, while I was asleep.
Edward was always there, which worried me. I hoped that I hadn't talked in my sleep because it was bound to give me away. If I did, Edward never mentioned anything, he just read his book and stroked my hair.
The following two weeks went quicker than the first two. I had assignments stacking up and the professors were getting tougher on students. As Friday approached, Edward reminded me that he was heading out to hunt with Jasper and suggested that I invite some friends over for some drinks. I thought it was a great idea. I invited Mandy and her new boyfriend, who was different to the guy from her party. She was a tough one to keep track of, with a different guy every month. She took care of the rest of the guest list. I was hesitant to let her because I was absolutely certain it would get wild like hers.
As Fridays classes wound down, I received a text from Edward saying he was leaving and he was sorry that he missed saying goodbye to me. I was a little disappointed but was too excited about the party to be overly worried. I had sent Jake a text earlier in the day letting him know I was having a few drinks with friends and not to worry about me like he did last time. I knew he would though. That was my Jacob.
I walked home from college and stopped by the store to get some supplies. Edward had gone ahead and set up most of the things that had to be done while he was playing housewife for the day so all I had to do was grab a couple of things and go home and get ready.
At 7pm, the first of the guests started to arrive. I felt a bit awkward because most of them I had only seen in passing or had debated English literature with in my classes. It did feel good though to be around other people who not only acted my age, but were my age. Edward was so serious and very formal a lot of the time and I occasionally caught myself realising that he is actually over one hundred years old, despite looking like an 18-year-old god.
The atmosphere at the party was amazing. More people had turned up and everyone was having fun. People were dancing, drinking and flirting with each other. Mandy was dirty dancing with her boyfriend and practically molesting him on my makeshift dance floor. I didn't drink as fast as I did at Mandy's party, but I soon found myself feeling tipsy and giggly. I was deep in discussion with a girl from one of my classes about philosophy and literature while sipping fancy drinks that Mandy had once again mixed up with her amazing mixology skills. The girls name was Carly, and we got on like a house on fire.
This is where I belonged. I finally found where I fit in to the world. It wasn't in a world of danger and chaos, it was a world of great friends, great conversation and teenage normalcy. As our conversation came to an end, I was feeling great and dragged Carly with me on to the dancefloor. We danced for three songs before needing refills of our drinks. I thought I would do the sensible thing and drink some water. I didn't want to get wasted and make a fool of myself in my own apartment.
As we headed back to the dancefloor, bottles of water in hand, a song that I had been keen on began playing. Carly and I danced as though no one was watching, feeling free and at ease. When the song finished, I slowed down and took a big drink of water. I was feeling hot and sweaty and took the opportunity to see who was still there. Almost no one had left, which was a sign that the party was successful. As I looked around the room, I glanced towards the door and saw someone I hadn't counted on seeing. Jake was leaning against the wall with his hands in his jeans pockets, watching me. I had no idea how long he had been there for, but when he smiled at me, I went weak at the knees.
I ditched Carly on the dancefloor and strutted over to Jake. As I approached, he put his hands on my shoulders, stopping me from throwing myself at him. I was thankful for this, because my intentions were to launch myself at him, fuelled by my alcohol induced confidence.
I pulled him onto the dancefloor by his shirt and danced with him in much the same way I had at Mandy's place, weeks before.
"Are you having fun?" Jake asked, yelling above the music. I nodded as I took another swig from my water bottle and placed it down on the floor next to the speaker. I was dancing so close to him, carelessly running my hands all over his amazing, perfectly toned body. He was so tempting.
Jake pulled away, taking me by the hand and leading me out to the balcony.
"What's up Jake?" I asked.
"Bella, you're driving me crazy" he said, leaning on the railing, looking down onto the street. "I don't know if I can stop myself" he said.
"So, don't", I said as I moved closer. Jake turned and looked into my eyes as I put my palms on his chest, ran them up to his shoulders and down his arms. He felt incredible. I snaked them around his neck and pressed my lips to his. The way he responded was urgent and made me want more.
I felt a tingling in places where I had only felt in my dreams and I knew immediately what I wanted. I had to find out if the dreams were as amazing as the reality.
I pulled away, looked into his intense brown eyes and took him by the hand, leading him back inside the apartment and down the hall, towards my guest bedroom.
I shoved Jake into the room with a strange sense of self confidence and slammed the door shut behind us. I left the light off and pushed him against the back of the door letting my passion take over.
I pulled off my jacket and threw it on the floor but kept my focus on kissing Jake. There was something desperate in the way he was running his hands all over my body and I couldn't get enough of it. It was like the night at his house on the couch, but with more desperation, more desire – if that was possible. Without thinking, I let my desires lead and I pulled his shirt off over his head as he stepped forward, guiding me backwards to the bed.
He lifted me up and carefully placed me down on the bed where he positioned himself over me, resting on his elbow. He looked into my eyes and smiled the smile that was just for me and once again his lips found mine.
I yanked off my top, almost tearing it in half and hurried to reach down and undo the button on Jakes pants. I knew what I wanted and my alcohol consumption had nothing to do with it. I needed Jake that way. He looked into my eyes and asked "are you sure?". My nod was enough for him and from that moment on we were overtaken by passion and lost to each other, never to be recovered by another soul.
Afterwards, Jake held me close to him and stroked my hair. I had never felt more loved or more taken care of. As far as firsts go, I would have to say that this was pretty damn good. Way beyond the wildest of my dreams. My head was clear and I was as sober as ever. I had no regrets.
"It's going to be really difficult, leaving you now, after this" he said quietly, his sadness dampening the mood.
"Stay" I pleaded, leaning up on my elbow to look at him. "Stay with me until Sunday" I almost begged. I wasn't letting him go.
"That won't be a problem, will it?" he asked. "You won't get in trouble if he comes back and finds me here?" I shook my head and snuggled into Jakes arms again.
"This feels nice, just laying here" I said after a while.
"It's like heaven Bella. I feel like I'm dreaming… or I'm dead" he said with a smile. I gulped. I couldn't fathom the idea of Jake being dead.
"Do you often dream of these kinds of situations?" I asked with a cheeky grin.
"Bella, I'm only human, well, part human, of course I've dreamt about this" he said as he brushed my hair off my face. I blushed, remembering the most recent dream I had about Jake.
As we laid there in our temporary bliss, I realised that my life was suddenly about to get really complicated.
I got up and gathered my clothes. There was no shyness about my body with Jake. He had just worshipped almost every inch of it, there was no covering up now. I found Jakes shirt near the door and threw it to him.
"Come on, let's get back to the party" I said.
We both got dressed and made ourselves look respectable, but before opening the door Jake took me in his arms, kissed me lightly on the lips and told me he loved me.
I kissed him back, opened the door and headed back to the party hand in hand with my Jacob.
I woke up the next morning in the guest bedroom, feeling warm. Too warm. I kicked the blankets off and realised Jake was sleeping next to me. After our encounter last night, we had both drank a fair bit of alcohol and danced a lot. I remembered at one point I managed to convince Mandy that Jake and I were just really good friends.
I laid there for a long time just watching Jake sleep. The steady rise and fall of his chest and his gentle snores were captivating. How did I deny myself this perfect person? Jacob professed his love to me a long time ago but I was blinded by my love for Edward. At the time, I was absolutely certain that Edward was the one I wanted, but the longer I stared at Jakes face, the more I wasn't entirely sure.
Without the magic of vampires, Jake is the natural path my life would have taken. I would have let him woo me and eventually fallen for his charms. We would have stumbled through our first kiss and caught intimate moments while our dads weren't looking.
I was so caught up in my thoughts that I hadn't noticed Jakes breathing change and his eyes flicker open.
"Good morning beautiful" he whispered.
"Hi there yourself" I said with a blush as I realised I was busted staring.
"See something you like?" he asked with that smile.
"I see something I love" I responded.
He wound his arms around my waist and pulled me close to him. Our lips found each other as my hands stroked his jaw line. This only made him pull me in closer. I was breathless, as he moved his body to hover over the top of mine. I allowed myself to get carried away as his mouth found my neck, then travelled back to my lips and back down past my neck and collarbone, tasting the skin that had never felt these sensations before last night.
Jake was an expert. He explored my body like he had a map to all the parts that could send shivers down my spine and make me squirm. He made me feel things that I never thought were possible.
I began to question whether Jake had had practice in these activities before. This was not the skill of a novice. The thought brought me out of the moment and I unconsciously pulled away from his touch.
"Is this too much?" he asked, gazing into my eyes, a worried frown forming on his face.
"No, it's amazing… You're amazing" I answered.
He kissed me softly on the lips and moved so that he was laying on his side, next to me.
"What happened there? Where did you go just now?" he asked.
I hesitated. How could I ask him if he had been getting it on with other girls? Of course, I had no right to be angry about it if he had, but I couldn't imagine Jakes hands and his mouth and his body on someone else the way it had been on me, moments before.
"You sure do know what you're doing, Jake" I said, trying to create an air of humour so this conversation didn't turn awkward.
"I'm just making it up as I go Bella" he began.
I blinked.
"So, you haven't done this with loads of other girls?" I asked, trying desperately, but failing, to hide the blush that crept onto my face.
"I haven't thought of a single other girl since you came back to Forks, Bella" he said truthfully. "There is only you. It's only ever been you". He continued as I smiled.
"But you seem so confident" the words were coming easily. This conversation wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be.
"I was scared as hell last night" he answered. "I have no idea about any of this Bella, I'm just winging it" he confessed.
I was blown away by his honesty. I brought his face back to mine and kissed him, taking us back to where we left off before my mind got carried away with my own thoughts.
JAKES POV
We spent the morning wrapped in each other's arms and bodies, our limbs tangled in such a way that I couldn't tell where I ended and she began. We were totally absorbed in the here and now, living just for the moment and only for each other.
We were both inexperienced and running purely off instinct. I hadn't so much as considered even kissing another person apart from Bella. I had been so nervous when I realised that she wanted me in that way last night. Of course, I wanted her too, I mean, it was only natural of me, but I was petrified all the same.
I thought I would make it a horrible experience for her, so I did my best to take it slow but used all the tips I had learnt from the guys in the pack, plus the memories I had accidently been subject to over the months through wolf telepathy. Especially from Sam. He and Emily had a pretty heathy sex life, so it was inevitable that he would occasionally relive some of those moments. Without realising it, I had picked up on some pointers and used them to my full advantage with Bella.
As the day wore on, we both dragged ourselves away from the bedroom to be confronted with a disaster to clean up. I didn't mind, I was happy to spend whatever time I could with Bella.
We got stuck into it and before long her massive apartment was sparkling clean again.
I watched as Bella towel dried her hair after having a shower. My stomach growled and I realised we both hadn't eaten all day.
"Do you want to go out and get something to eat, babe?" I asked, not thinking twice about the affectionate way that I said 'babe'.
"Yeah absolutely, I'm starving… babe" she said, with emphasis on the 'babe'. We both laughed. I loved to see her laugh. She seemed so free and natural. It was definitely ego boosting that it was me who was causing it, but I didn't let on.
Before long, we were in the lift, hand in hand, headed out to find a nice place to eat. We walked for a while down the busy street before finding a nice-looking place that seemed just a little romantic. It was perfect for a 'date'. Although, the concept of a 'date' was quite foreign and outdated for me. I saw this purely as two people who loved each other, having dinner together.
We ordered quickly after sitting down in a secluded corner. She rested her foot against mine under the table and slowly stroked her foot up my leg.
"You're very distracting, you know that?" I said.
"Oh, am I?" she said in a girly voice, grinning as she ran her foot up my leg again.
"If I wasn't so damn hungry, I would leave right now and give you a repeat of this morning" I threatened. She didn't say anything, just looked down, grinning to herself. This was heaven.
As our meals came, we ate and talked about anything and everything, except the elephant in the room.
We both knew that before long, I would have to go back to La Push and Edward was going to come back. I didn't want to spoil the fantastic mood, but I had to ask.
"What do you want, Bella?"
"Dessert" she said, looking up at me, her eyes almost pleading me not to go down this road.
"You know what I mean. Soon we will leave this restaurant and then what?" I asked
"You come back with me" she said.
"You know what would happen if he came home and found me there?" I asked, the seriousness of my tone killing any good vibes we had previously.
"Yes, I would tell him you are staying over, as a friend and he would believe me" she said confidently.
"I don't think it would work like that Bella" I said.
"Why not? We used to hang out all the time and it was all innocent" she said.
"Things are different now Bella. I can't stay, it's too risky" I said. I wanted more than anything to spend every minute I could with her but I knew that if he returned early, everything would be over.
I had to put a stop to this. The more I thought about it the more I realised how absurd this whole day had been.
"We can't keep playing pretend Bella, you're with him" I said. I hoped beyond hope that she would decide to leave with me today and end it with him forever but a small part of me knew it wouldn't happen.
"You're right" she said. I almost choked as she said the words I knew were coming.
I got up and paid at the front counter before leading Bella to the door and out onto the street. We walked back to her apartment in silence and in through the lobby door. As the lift arrived and Bella walked in, I stayed in the lobby.
"You're not staying… are you?" she asked.
"You know I can't Bells" I said. I wanted to, more than anything, but it wasn't right. "I'll text you through the week" I said as the lift doors closed and tears fell from her eyes.
