Hi, all! First, I am so sorry it has taken me so long to update! Things have been crazy, as my house has been being remodeled and I have had to focus on dealing with that. Second, let me just say, writing this chapter of Adrian's feelings about the kiss was very hard for me! I don't know why, I just feel like I couldn't quite get satisfied with it. So, please, be kind, and let me know if I did an okay job. Thanks! :-*
After exiting the bedroom, Adrian made a quick left turn into his bathroom and closed the door gently behind him. He paused, frozen in place, as he forced himself to take note of how he was feeling, as Dr. Bell had taught him. His heart was racing, his hands were shaking, and he felt like he might pass out. He used both hands to brace himself against the sink in front of him. Glancing up at himself in the mirror, Adrian realized his face was bright red. Smiling slightly, he lifted his fingers to his lips and touched them, as if to make sure they were still there.
Just a few days ago, Adrian had been missing Natalie terribly. Now, here she was, sleeping in his bed, wearing his clothes, and she had just...kissed him. He couldn't quite believe it had actually happened. It had been many, many, many years since Adrian Monk had shared a kiss with a woman. It felt even more amazing than he remembered. He also knew what he had been feeling out there on the couch earlier when he and Natalie had looked into each other's eyes. He hadn't felt that feeling in decades, but he still remembered what it meant. And when their lips met, that feeling had intensified tenfold.
Adrian closed his eyes and forced himself to try and relax as he thought back over his feelings from the past year. Not long after Natalie had left, Adrian had begun to have dreams about her. At first, they were simple dreams in which he and Natalie would carry out their regular everyday activities. But once he and Natalie had drifted apart and stopped talking altogether, Adrian had begun to have more intense dreams about her. Dreams in which she would come to his door in the middle of the night, throw her arms around him and tell him how much she missed him. Or she would hold his face in her hands and look into his eyes and tell him how happy she was to see him. Or, once in a while, she would kiss him on the cheek and whisper in his ear that she loved him and was never going to leave him again. Every time, Adrian would awaken with a burning in his stomach and a tension throughout his body, followed by a dull ache of emptiness. He had effectively avoided confronting himself about the dreams. He had never really had to force himself to think of what they might have meant. But now, standing here, face to face with his reflection, his chest tight and his lips still tingling, the significance was obvious.
In recent months, Dr. Bell had pushed Adrian to think about what it might be like if he were to allow himself to have feelings for another woman. It took Adrian several sessions to even entertain the idea, and the first time he actually had, the only woman who had come to his mind was Natalie. Adrian hadn't revealed this to Dr. Bell, and he had quickly pushed the possibility out of his mind. But, of course, he now had no option but to confront the idea.
For a moment, Trudy flashed in his mind, but Adrian reminded himself of what Dr. Bell had taught him. He had assured Adrian that he didn't have to forget Trudy altogether. That he could remember her fondly and be grateful for the time they spent together. But Dr. Bell had also reminded him that Trudy would genuinely want him to be happy. To not be alone forever, but to share his life with someone else again. Adrian knew deep down that this was true. But, until now, he hadn't felt feelings strong enough to warrant consideration.
If he was being completely honest with himself, Adrian had to admit that he had enjoyed the kiss between him and Natalie. And he couldn't deny the fact that he had very strong feelings welling up in his throat right now at the thought of how important this moment between them really was. But he felt very much like a fish out of water. He hadn't confessed his feelings for someone since he was in his twenties. How could he possibly find the courage to do so now? Natalie was so important to him, and she had only just come back into his life. Adrian was afraid to do anything that might cause her to leave again. Just the thought of even making eye contact with Natalie now made him feel like he might faint.
Adrian shook his head in a physical attempt to clear his mind of the thoughts that were threatening to consume him. Exiting the bathroom, he headed for the living room and lay down on the couch. He knew he had to at least attempt to get some sleep tonight.
Adrian awoke with a start. He sat up on the couch, his eyes slowly adjusting to the bright morning light filtering in through the window. He had been dreaming about Trudy. She had hugged him, telling him that she was so happy for him. That he had her blessing to love again. Adrian thought of Natalie, sleeping soundly just a room away from him, and tears welled up in his eyes as he realized what this meant for him. He hadn't seen a vision of Trudy in years, so, he felt this dream had to be her way of communicating with him. Surprisingly, he felt an overwhelming sense of peace. Taking in a breath of courage, Adrian forced himself up off of the couch and down the hallway.
