Here is a really big update for all of you! I'm really starting to get into the groove of this story, so hopefully I'll be able to push out more content quickly :) Thank you ALL for your reviews!
Samantha Renk- I'm glad I was able to answer all of your questions! When I read your review I actually smiled because I knew I would be answering them shortly :)
decadenceofmysoul- glad you're liking it!
wolfimus prime- thanks for the love!
RhondaL- alright, let me tell you, your reviews make me smile. Not only that, but thank you for reviewing The Soldier and The Soldiers Redemption for the past few days. It made me re-read them actually because I wanted to know what you were referencing! Thank you for all of the well wishes and i'm so glad to see you like my stories as much as I do :)
ayarian88- I will get more out as quickly as possible!
Foreverkee- I wish Koz and Tig would stop fighting, but we know that never really ends until it ends sadly.
Moonwolf27- I plan on updating more as long as nothing crazy happens. I do have finals coming up in a few weeks but writing is my happy place so you should get a lot more :)
mnknz- I'm sorry my story is leaving you so wrapped up! I will work as hard as possible to get more out quickly. I'm down to one story (this one) so unless my muse starts kicking my butt with my first story, I should be more consistent!
emmalock93- thank you for being a consistent fan of mine! I always look forward to your reviews!
Khyharah- Alright girl, you have been my biggest fan thus far.. but for some reason when you review on any of my stories I don't get a notification! Super sad face! Thank you for always reading though. Much love! (Btw, can't wait for your update in your story :) )
Guests- thank you for your reviews also! I would individually do a shout out but you don't have a name and I'm not even sure if it's just one guest or multiple lol.
Alright now that the shout outs are done, on to the story! There will be lots to talk about after this one ;)
***VIOLENCE ALERT.*** If you haven't read anything of mine before, I am very careful to put trigger warnings up. There is talk of UNCOMFORTABLE THINGS. The first three parts are okay, BUT THE LAST PART HAS VULGAR CONVERSATION, TALKS OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE AND THEN PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.
IF ANY OF THAT IS A TRIGGER FOR YOU, PLEASE SKIP IT! I always make sure the chapter after explains what happens without the triggers and as ALWAYS if you need to talk to someone, please reach out to me. You are NOT alone and I am ALWAYS willing to be a crying shoulder.
That being said, this is SOA. SOA is bloody and violent. In the true fashion of SOA, here is the chapter.
I spent the rest of the day hiding in my room. I would have loved to be able to say that I ran out and tossed my arms around Happy and told him how I felt. Queen of avoidance remember? I had my laptop open on my lap not because I was playing a game or anything, but for the sole reason that I was using it to seem like I was busy. Most of the time if I seemed busy the guys left me alone.
"Hey baby."
I smiled when I turned to see Gemma standing in the doorway. I hadn't seen much of her lately due to Thomas being born. I sat up a little and closed my laptop.
"You busy?"
"Not really. Come in, mom."
"How you feeling? Guys said you're still moving pretty slowly."
"I keep forgetting that it hurts to move certain ways. I don't really know how to take it easy."
"It isn't in your blood to take it easy, baby. I'm so sorry I haven't been around."
"It's okay. How is Thomas? Tara?"
"They're great. Think she's gonna stop by tomorrow with the boys so you can see them. She wanted to sooner but she's been exhausted."
"I'm not upset. Just can't wait to meet him."
I smiled at her but I could feel it didn't meet my eyes. She noticed too.
"What's wrong, sweetheart."
"Just not feeling like myself I guess."
"There's more to it. Remember hun, I knew that you were in trouble and you were states away from me."
I sighed knowing that she wasn't going to drop it.
"Happy kissed me."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. Told me all these things like he's here for me because he wants to be and not because he's been told to. Said he feels more for me than he's felt for anyone and he's going to help me work through all of my issues."
"Why is that making you upset? Do you not feel the same?"
"Of course I feel the same! I can't keep a smile off my damn face around him. It drove me crazy when he was locked up. His letters are what kept me sane."
"Then what is the problem?"
"I can't be what he wants."
"If he says he wants you, then he wants you."
"For now. I'm new. I can't ever be some wild crazy woman that parties like the guys here do. I can't even look at him in the eyes half time let alone have sex. I'm broken."
Gemma sighed and shook her head.
"Baby. I know some really bad shit has happened to you. I see it in your eyes how hard all of this has been for you. But baby, I also see the real you trying to come out. I see her deep in there. She's strong and firm. You gotta let her out. You gotta realize that it's over."
"It's not over. Adam is still out there. Even if he wasn't, the damage is done. Mom I know deep down I didn't do anything wrong but I can't get rid of that voice in my head. Every move I make I question. If I can't even trust myself how am I ever going to trust anyone else. I can not be what Happy wants or needs. It isn't going to ever happen."
"Baby please don't be so hard on yourself. Please. You're safe now."
"Am I?"
Gemma looked nervous. She was so easy to read, especially since I was getting to know her better.
"Mom what aren't you telling me."
"They think they found Adam."
"What does that mean."
"It means the guys won't be home for a little while."
I had been pacing the clubhouse for a few hours. Gemma wouldn't tell me anything else other than the guys would be gone. I had text Happy and Jax multiple times, but no one would answer. I called Jax and all he said was he would fill me in soon. The fear and panic I was feeling overpowered the pain in my side. Piney tried multiple times to get me to sit down, but I wasn't having it.
"Darlin, you need to relax before you hurt yourself."
"As soon as someone tells me what is going on I will relax."
"They're taking care of a problem. That's all that matters right now. That's all you need to know."
Right as I was about to protest, Pineys phone went off. I stopped moving and tried to listen in but I couldn't hear what was being said. I tried to get closer but Piney held up his hand and stopped me. I knew I could take him on a good day, but my side was telling me it wasn't a good day.
"Alright, I'll tell her."
"Tell me what!"
Piney closed the phone and looked at me.
"Hap and Jax are coming to get you in the van. They will be here in a few minutes so go get a black hoodie from your dresser on and throw on a pair of shoes that you don't mind getting dirty."
"What are-"
"Just go. I'm not explaining anything to you. Just listen and your brother will explain everything when they pick you up."
I wasn't to know more but I knew how stubborn Piney was. I went into my room as quickly as possible and pulled out a black hoodie. The first one I grabbed said Sons of Anarchy across the back, but I figured if they said all black it was for a reason. I pulled out my old sneakers from the closet. I could throw them away if I needed to. I was in too much of a rush to really think about the reason for all of this. I heard a knock on the door and saw Jax in the doorway.
"Ready sweetheart?"
"Yeah. I'm good."
He looked me over and nodded. I followed him down the hallway trying to keep up but knowing my own limits. I had a pretty bad limp on my right side that my speed wasn't letting me hide.
"Hows your side?"
"It hurts."
"I can see that. You sure you're up to this?"
"I don't even know what we're up to, Jax."
"I'll explain in the car. Head on out. Hap is out there in the van. You can sit up front so you don't hurt yourself. I'll be out in a minute."
I nodded and started waling towards the door. Part of me wanted to wait for Jax so I didn't need to be alone with Happy but his tone made me push through it. I got outside and saw the van was parked almost in the doorway. I climbed into the front seat before Happy could ask me if I needed help.
"I see you're up and moving."
"Yeah, thanks to the cryptic messages from Jax and Gemma."
"How long you been on your feet?"
"Few hours now. No one would tell me what was going on."
"Didn't need to know until now."
I jumped when Jax whipped the back door open and jumped in.
"Alright, Hap. Let's go."
I was going to make a smart ass remark about wanting to know what was going on but the tension and nervous energy in the van made me second guess myself. I learned how to read people with Adam, and right then was not the time to start asking questions.
"Alright, Savannah. We're heading to a warehouse we own up near Oakland. I need you to listen to everything we say and do exactly what we tell you to. We shouldn't run into any problems but if for some reason the cops show up or ever ask you about tonight, you can't say a word."
"Okay."
"You promise? This is club shit and if it didn't have anything to do with you, you wouldn't know a damn thing about it."
"I promise. Jax, I know how things works. I'm safe as long as I keep my mouth shut."
Jax nodded with a scowl on his face. He knew I meant more than just safe from the club. I always had to keep my mouth shut to stay safe.
"We found Adam. We have him at the warehouse. I know you don't know everything about the club yet, but we don't let anyone hurt our family. If they do, they die."
I nodded but didn't have any words for him. I knew some of their history. Hell, when I met them they were going away for rushing a church with automatic weapons. I knew they were far from innocent.
"We weren't sure how to do this. Clay just wanted to take care of him and tell you later but sis.. I think you need to be here. Even if you don't watch it all go down. You need to confront him. I'll let you decide what you do or don't do. Alright? But you need to face him."
"Jackson, I'm scared."
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Happy's jaw tighten. I hated that I was scared and I hated even more how weak my voice sounded when I said that. I had stayed pretty quiet about how scared I was but then wasn't the time to hide that.
"We're here, Savannah. He isn't going to hurt you again. This ends tonight."
I was standing outside the warehouse pacing back and forth. The fact that Adam was inside, within walking distance, was freaking me out. I had never been a smoker, but a cigarette right then would be helpful. I heard the door open and it snapped me out of my panic.
"You alright, doll?"
"Yeah, Tiggy. I'm good."
"You don't look good."
"Can't you just take my word for it?"
"No. Don't you know me at all, babe?"
"Yes. What is taking so long? What is going on?"
"Just getting some answers before you go in."
I groaned and sat down on the concrete slab next to the door. I wanted to get this over with.
"If you wanna leave I can talk to Jax."
"No. He was right to bring me. I need to face him or I'll regret it."
Tig nodded and sat down next to me.
"Try to relax. He isn't gonna hurt you anymore. You have a whole club of family that loves you to pieces."
"Yeah."
"You do believe that, right?"
"Yeah I do, Tiggy. I just have never been good at confrontations."
"Yeah I heard."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"Heard about you and Hap."
"Jesus, does anyone not know?"
"When someone catches the eye of the Killer, it's hard not to notice."
"Can you hound me about this later?"
"Sounds like a date."
I rolled my eyes at him but couldn't help but smile. He was a dirty old man but I trusted him more than most. Hell, I trusted him more than my own father. We both turned when the door opened to show Jax.
"It's time, darlin."
I huffed out a breath and stood up. Tig put his hand on the small of my back and led me towards the door. I tried to keep my breathing steady as I walked through to the biggest confrontation of my life.
The warehouse was a lot bigger than I expected it to be. I imagined myself saying "it's bigger on the inside" but I knew that no one would get the reference. I focused on everything around me to keep the pure uncontrollable panic from swallowing me whole. The air was cold but not cold enough to let me see my breath.
We turned the corner around some boxes and I saw all the guys standing around something. More like someone. Adam was on his knees and his arms were chained above him. His face was bloody and one of his eyes was swollen. I stopped dead in my tracks.
The guys heard us walking towards and they all looked at me. I felt like my chest was going to cave in completely. Happy walked towards me and stood directly in front of me, blocking my view of Adam.
"Remember what Jax said. You run this. You are in charge. You only do what you want to and you only say what you want."
I looked into his eyes and nodded. I was sure my terror was showing right through my eyes and his expression confirmed that. He stepped to the side and wrapped his arm around my waist, walking forward with me. The guys moved to the sides, letting me stand directly in front of Adam. I looked at Happy and nodded once then stepped forward out of his arm.
"That's what we were waiting on? Waiting for the bitch to show up?"
Before I could say anything Happy stepped forward and punched him in the face, splitting his lip open even more. Adam looked up at me and spit at my feet, covering my sneakers in blood. Guess that was why they wanted shoes I didn't care about.
"You can hit me all you want, tough guy. Doesn't change how worthless she is."
Happy went to hit him again but I reached up and put my hand on his arm. I shook my head and he stepped back. Everyone was watching me. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Part of me wanted to pull him up off the ground and clean him up. Even with how shitty he treated me, I loved him. There was a dark side to me though that wanted to hit him just like Happy did.
"Even beaten on the ground, you still can't say a nice thing about me. Why?"
My voice was firm and strong. It was completely quiet in the warehouse and it made my voice sound even stronger.
"Why should I? You're an ungreatful bitch."
"How can you say that? I gave up everything for you. I gave up every dream I had to make you happy."
"You think you made me happy? How could YOU make ME happy?"
"I cooked for you. I cleaned the house. I did everything you asked me to. I even let you fuck me even if I didn't want to."
"So? That's what a fucking woman should do. You're nothing special. You were just a quick lay that I kept around for too long."
"Then why keep me around, Adam? Why put me through all of that? If you didn't want me there you should have just asked me to leave! Instead you hunt me down like a damn animal and drive a knife through my ribcage."
"Because you're nothing. You're property. You're a piece of meat that I could fuck whenever I wanted to. Why chase women when I could make you do whatever I wanted. I hunted you because you overstepped your boundaries by leaving. You couldn't even do that right though."
"What does that mean?"
"You had to get saved by two pussies in a motorcycle club."
I saw Jax lunge forward out of the corner of my eye but Happy stopped him.
"Even now, I cant even touch you and they're trying to do the dirty work for you. You're nothing Savannah. You never have been, and you never will be. No matter what happens to me tonight, I will always be the voice in the back of your head telling you that you will fail. And you always will, Anna. I promise you. You'll never find love and you'll never find happiness. The only thing I regret is not completely ruining your body when I had the chance. I should have taken you every time I wanted to get off instead of giving you a break. I should have let the guys rape you when you were passed out more often."
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. He had always been cruel but never this bad. He had never actually said all the things he made me feel. He had never shown enjoyment from it. My hands were shaking so I shoved them in my pockets. I stared at Adam as he laughed at me. Every cackle that came out of his mouth shattered my heart.
"Just tell me why. Why do you want to hurt me so badly?"
"Because it's fun."
I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see Clay. His face was set to stone as he turned me to him.
"Savannah, you can't change the past. You can't change what he has done to you. I know you don't want anything to do with me right now, but I need you to listen to me. This is how you define yourself now. You can walk out that door and let his voice ring in your head. You can go back to the clubhouse and be the same scared woman you have been."
"What other option is there?"
"Savannah, you can take this gun and shoot that fucker between the eyes. He's going to die anyway, that I promise you. I can't promise you that shooting him will make you feel better, but I can promise it will help you take your life back."
"Clay I-"
"You need to make the decision. Be the same weak Savannah he thinks you are, or be the strong woman we all know you can be."
With that, Clay handed me the gun and turned me back towards Adam. I looked at all the guys and none of them seemed alarmed by me holding the gun. I looked at Jax and Happy for guidance. Clay was right, I didn't trust him. I couldn't not listen to him though. Something had to give.
"He's right Savannah." Jax added in. "He has to die either way. I told you that on the way over here. This is where you decide who you are. We can take care of this for you, or you can take charge."
I nodded and looked towards the pistol. I had taken a safety classes in college as one of my electives so I did actually know what I was doing. This one was much heavier than anything I had held though. It had a reaper on the side and was gorgeous. I wondered how such a beautiful piece of metal could be so deadly. Then I realized it wasn't the gun that was deadly but who was holding it.
Was I deadly? I was scared. I wasn't scared of Adam anymore though. Something had snapped in me when he told me how he felt. How he knew I would always be weak and fragile. I had changed though.
Somewhere in between watching the guys get dragged away and being there that day, I had changed. I wasn't the shell of a woman that Happy picked up off the floor in Arizona. I wasn't exactly Gemma, but I was getting there. I wasn't bulletproof yet, but neither was Adam. He never would be.
"You really think this bitch is going to shoot me? She's just standing there holding the gun!"
I broke my gaze from the gun in my hand and looked at Adam. All the guys were still watching me. Jax went to walk forward but Clay put his hand up to stop him. Jax looked back at me and I could see he looked worried.
"Just hand the gun back off and tell them to let me go. You know you can't live in a world without me in it, Anna."
"I always hated that name, Adam."
"But we're Adam and Anna baby girl!"
I could feel the sarcasm dripping off Adam's word.
"Anna is dead. She died the day I left. You didn't know that you died the day you stabbed me, but you do now."
Before Adam could say anything else, I quickly aimed the gun at him and pulled the trigger. I almost closed my eyes and turned away, but I needed to watch. I hit him in the left eye and there was a splatter of blood on the wall behind him. I put my arm back down and put the safety on. I turned towards Clay and handed him the gun back before I walked out the door. I heard the guys talking about how surprised they were, but everything I said was true.
Anna had died. So had the Savannah I knew. I knew I could have seen it as me having Adams blood on my hands, but I saw it differently. I saw it as me washing my own blood away. I needed to change, and there was no going back after pulling that trigger.
