A/N: sorry for the wait on this.. Life has been crazy.
I own nothing!
I had so many questions for Fili, they swarmed in my head demanding to be heard but I knew asking my brother was like walking in an uncharted area. It could either push him away or it could bring us closer together.
The sun had begun to set by the time I finally worked up the courage to actually voice my curiosity. "What was it like?" I asked as I played with the bead that had fallen out of hair.
Fili turned to me, his sun kissed hair looking a like a mane framing his face. "What was what like?"
"Living with uncle." I answer. I knew living with Thorin probably hadn't been the best experience in the world, it had to have changed his outlook on life.
He falls silent for a moment, the content smile slipping off his face. For a moment I think he isn't going to answer me but he turns his head away and sighs quietly. "It wasn't easy. "He starts, his voice far away.
"In the beginning I was terrified about how I was going to live up to Thorin's expectations, I knew I had a lot of responsibilities on my shoulders and I had to carry them out with a high head and a proud stance.
I just didn't know how I was going to do it, I was still so worried about you that I couldn't get my mind to focus. I just wanted to be back home with you, I couldn't stand the thought of leaving you behind.
Thorin must have seen this because he sat me down and told me that I need to leave any thoughts about you and Ma behind. "
I couldn't even begin to think about what Fili had been feeling the moment uncle had told him to leave his life behind. How had he handled it? He hadn't even been gone two days and I couldn't sleep. I went years without sleeping because my brother wasn't tucked into my side. "He actually asked you to do that?" I ask.
He nods, crossing his arms over his chest. "It was for the best, the less I thought about you the more I could focus on the task at hand." He explained, his voice flat and lifeless.
Apart of me was angry that he had completely forgotten about me on the drop of a hat just because Thorin asked him to, however I knew how uncle was and saying no to him wasn't the easiest thing in the world.
Our conversation seems to be going no where. Once before Fili and I could sit together and not talk about a single thing and it wouldn't be awkward, now it seems strained, even sitting here with him seems forced.
We were meant to grow up together, help one another against the world and now all we are left with is cold stares and distant hugs. Was that all that was left of our relationship? Was this truly how Fili and I are meant to be? This can't be it, I refuse to believe that this is all we will ever be.
I want Fili to be my best friend, I want to confine in him like we use to but I know it will take months if not years for us to even be close like that again. I know it can happen, it's just going to take time to men.
I don't know what to say to him, the silence between us is hardening and dark. "We should head back.." Fili suggested, sighing under his breathe. I know he doesn't want to talk about his time with Thorin anymore. Maybe he will another time but for now I know I have to let it go.
He helps me up, wrapping his arm around my shoulder as he head out of the training room. "Do you think Uncle will do the ceremony anymore?"I ask as we walk through the melting snow on the trail. I didn't really want to go through with it anyway but a part of me had to know if he still wanted me by his side.
"Probably." Answers Fili, "He says in order for you to come slog with us you have to be courted in." He shrugs his shoulders, squeezing mine. "Don't worry Kee, I'm sure he'll come and speak with you if he does decide to go ahead with it. "
Yeah because that was what he did the first time around.
Our walk back was quiet for the most part, both of us not knowing what to say to the other. Ma meets us at the door as he climb to our house and her arms around me the insist we join her on the steps. "How are you feeling?" She asked. We hadn't spoken since the coronation and I know she's worried for my mental health.
"I'm fine. " I answer, nuzzling my face into her neck. "I promise." She doesn't seem to buy it but let's it go anyway. Really all I want to do is lay down in bed and forget about everything's that happened. Ma let's go of me and moves to Fili, she's hesitant at first but embraces him anyway and for the first time since he's return I see a look of relaxation cross of his face. It takes him a few moments but it eventually returns the hug, tucking his chin into her shoulder.
I can't hear them from where I'm standing but I know Ma is telling Fili about how much she missed him. I leave them alone on the steps and make my way inside. The house is dark, save for the small candle lit in the kitchen. I almost pass by without stopping until I see uncle's large frame sitting at the table.
A lump forms in my throat and I debate just walking away. Instead I sit down in the chair beside him, placing my hands on the old wood. "Uncle?" I ask, looking over at him. Thorin looks dead on his feet, his hands shaking as he holds the glass of ale in front of him. "Uncle?" I try again, frowning when he doesn't answer me.
In the back of my mind I can remember seeing Thorin like this, a time after a war when our father died and uncle did nothing but grief for days. Ma had explained, as you could only to a child, that Thorin was remembering the brother he lost and the battle almost always seemed to throw him into a daze.
I reach over, placing my hand on his arm and immediately regret it. Thorin's head snaps up and his hard brown eyes narrow in my direction. Fear spreads through my body like dragon's fire. "Thorin.."I whisper, wincing as his free hand clamps down on mine, squeezing it so tight I can feel the bones bending.
I don't recognize him, he's like a dark shadow of the man I learned to look up to up from far away. I don't know what to do or how to make my uncle know that it's me, not one of the many ghost hidden in his closet.
The expression on his face is gone just as quickly as it appeared and he removes his hand from mine. "Kili?" He asks, his voice shaking with uncertainty. He moves his hands down onto his lap, the hard King mask back in place. "Are you done with your temper-tantrum?" He glares at me, making my heart sink to my stomach.
I look down at my hands sighing quietly. "I'm sorry, Uncle." I know I shouldn't feel hatred or fear towards him but that's all I see to be able to muster up. I chew on my bottom lip, frowning a little.
"You are a prince, Kili. "Thorin replies, crossing his arms over his chest with a scowl. "You have responsibilities and a reputation to uphold." He mutters, shaking his head. "What you did was embarrassing and I would have thought your mother would have raised you better." Every word weighs me down, pulling me deeper into the pit of despair inside of me.
"I know.. I apologize, Uncle." A flutter of surprise passed over his face. It must have been a shock, all I've done is fight against him since he returned.
Thorin clears his throat, starring over at me. "Very well, you can go now." Without another word, I stood and made my way to my room, not being able to help the deflated feeling hanging over my head.
I silently shut the door me, sitting down and leaning my back against the wood. In that moment I made a decision, I would be the prince my uncle wanted me to, no matter how hard it was.
I would become Prince Kili, even if that might crushing normal Kili into tiny pieces. That was the only way we were going to get Erobor back and getting out home back was the only thin that mattered. It had to be.
