Disclaimer: I Do not own Twilight.
Chapter 7: Levity
Drop your guard
Come down
Stop trying so hard
Come down
And start living again
It's written everywhere
I see it on your face
That I am different now than I've ever been before
Drop your gaurd
By Nizlopi
BPOV
That night sleep did not come. And for once I was thankful.
Everything that happened just replayed and replayed in my head...
The fact that I could even replay and think about exactly what happened made me speechless.
I remembered...I know what happened. Wow.
And then there's Edward.
I can't begin to imagine what he thinks...
I mean he saw me...
Thinking I purposefully hurt myself...
Great.
I thought about canceling our work session... But we had barley gotten anything done... And I was sure that if Phil got another call from a teacher...
I shuddered.
Okei so no cancelation, but he'll want answers.
Answers I can't give...
Phil... I wonder what he told Edward...
Whatever he had to I guess, to get Edward on his side.
Edward keeps seeing me in these moments of horror and weakness...I hate it. I hate him for being at the wrong place at the wrong time!
But can I really blame him? It's not his fault he's witnessed a couple episodes of my shitty life...
He can't get involved. I'm not going to screw him up with how much my life is screwed...being friends with him would do that. I can already feel myself wanting to trust him and tell him things I should keep locked up in my head.
That would only make things worse. Whatever I thought before about maybe being friends...
Well bullshit!
I don't want friends...because I would only hurt them.
An I don't want Edward to hurt.
So I won't tell him anything and I will be neutral. For his sake.
"Okei...whats your favorite memory"?
"Stop"! I looked over at Edward startled by his outburst.
He was currently sitting on a huge rock facing the ocean while I sat crisscross on the sand with my back to the pretty blue green water looking up at him.
It wasn't hard to convince Edward that we should work on our project at lapush. We left right after school, him following me in his Volvo.
"Umm Okei..We can skip that one. What about this one wha—"
"No swan that's not what I mean. I've been patient, letting you choose when it would be the right time to talk about...well you know!"
His eyebrows shot up and his pretty green eyes were open wide.
I stared at him for what seemed like a long time. Then I sighed. I knew this was going to come up sooner or later, I'm actually surprised he didn't bring it up sooner.
"Umm what did Phil tell you"?
"Oh, well he said that since you well, lost your father...you changed. You became depressed and that one day things went to far and he caught you...uhh you know" I've never seen him this awkward. He had paused and I nodded for him to continue making sure my face remained neutral.
"And that then they sent you to an institute in Seattle that helps people deal with trauma...and that they were so happy to have you back finally. But that recently he's noticed you slipping back into you old ways..Is what he said." he was looking down now and his fingers ran through his head and pulled at the ends.
"Bella.." was all he was able to choke out. And when he looked up his eyes were pained and glistening...
God it broke my heart...to see him so affected by this. This is why he can't know. It not fair to make him suffer with me.
"Why"? He whispered.
Okei Bella. Remember your lying because it's what's best for him!
"Edward, when my dad...died. I might as well have died with him." I spoke honestly.
"He was everything to me. He was my best friend, and I just couldn't Conceive the fact that he would no longer be around...I honestly don't know how it got this far.." I let the tears fall..I had never talked to someone about Charlie like this before..
"So you..— He swallowed audibly— Hurt yourself." it wasn't a question.
"Like I said I don't know how it got this far.."
I hated lying.
Especially to him.
"When I saw you that first night —"
"Yes that was my doing." I said quickly.
"Ohh Bella.." he said quietly.
I felt like such a horrible person..
He's hurting, because of me..
Because he cares..
He cares.
" Edward, it's going to be Okei. I promise. It's going to get better. I'm working on it."
" Bella there is so much I want to ask...say. I just don't know what to do." his voice broke again.
" Let's just take this step by step Okei? We don't have to empty out my whole closet today.." I hope he would drop it..
I really hate lying.
"Yheaa..Okei. Your right there will be other beach trips, we can take our time." he said and looked down at me..
Other beach trips?
Not being his friend is defiantly not easy.
"Yes." I said warily.
After finishing the homework I began to pack up my things and get up. Edward was looking out at the ocean. I guess he had a lot to process. I glancing at him from the corner of my eye ever once in a while…Sitting there on the rock in the beach that is my safe zone …God he's beautiful.
It's not like I haven't noticed how handsome he is or anything but now, right now. Where he's not trying to impress or keep up appearances…he's simply not trying.
He turns to look at me and I can't help but admire his beauty. His hair unruly as always with that unique bronze color. His captivating eyes. Deep pools of green that carry worry in them when he looks at me. His perfect full lips on to his jaw..Perfectly chiseled to look manly.
He's a model agencies wet dream.
I giggled at that, he looks at he with furrowed eyebrows before he breaks into a smile of his own.
And Just like the rest of him…
It was beautiful.
"What's so funny Swan"? He raises an eyebrow in question.
I couldn't help but laugh again, picturing his face if I told him.
"Uhh, no I don't think I feel like sharing." He smirked at me and I couldn't help my own smirk back
"Hmm..I could always make you." He shrugged and looked at the setting sun.
"I'm not scared of you." I said with a silly grin on my face. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed having a conversation with someone.
I've missed it.
"Ohh. You really shouldn't have said that." He looks over at me and grins with an evil glint in his eyes.
And before I can even respond. Or even blink!
I'm laughing like a maniac rolling around in the sand trying to get free.
"Edward…sto..HAHAHAHA..op"! My voice sounded ridiculous and that made me laugh even more! I swear I thought I was gonna pee!
Edward was laughing right along with me. He had me trapped in between his legs and demanding I tell him why I had looking at his face made me giggle.
"Come on Swan! Spill it! Did I have a bugger or something"? that just made me laugh harder.
The tears were freefalling now from laughing so hard.
"HAD? You mean HAVE right? Cause that sucker is still in the cave." He looks at me wide eyed before he throws his head back and roars out laughter.
I had never heard him laugh like that before.
I liked the sound.
It made me smile up at him.
I took his moment of distractions to push him down so now he was on his back and I was tickling him.
His face was shocked and then he began laughing as I got back at him.
His eyes squinted so much from laughing , crinkling around the edges.
He took my breath away.
"Swan! You little sneaky Kitty"! he yelled out between fits of laughter.
I was now rolling with laughter at his words…
"sneaky Kitty! How random was that"! I laughed again and my stomach hurt from doing it too much.
He was still on his back looking up at the cloudy sky and settled myself on my back next to him.
We didn't talk or look at each other for a long time. It was a comfortable silence that reminded me of my dad. He wasn't a man of many words, But that was alright with me because then again I wasn't the chatterbox kind. We were so much alike. We would be silent around each other and it was never awkward or uncomfortable because we understood each other. We didn't need hours of useless talk to know we cared about each other. My dad showed me that he loved me in his small gestures that meant the world to me.
"Look a horse." I heard Edward say quietly. I focused hard on the sky above me and looked for said horse.
And when some time passed and I still didn't find the horse I sighed and closed my eyes.
"Don't think about it so hard. Let go and just..look. Let your imagination take over. You won't get tested on this. I promise." He breathed out a laugh.
I rolled my eyes behind my lids and then opened them.
There was a horse.
I smiled up at the sky.
I couldn't help tease him though. I was feeling light and smiley.
Which is a first.
I pointed up at a cloud "You see that cloud up there the one left of the horse. It's all jumbled up and messy. Big blob of nothing really." I glanced at him from the corner of my eye.
"Yheaa I guess. What about it"? He said confused.
"Well." I said and then pointed to it again.
"Look your hair." I said innocently.
His head slowly turned to look at me. And I was holding back my giggles.
But when I turned to look at him and he was pouting like 2 year old I couldn't hold back. I laughed hard again tears in my eyes again.
And at one point he began laughing too. It was that laugh from before.
It took my breath away.
Once we calmed down I sat up and criss crossed my legs and he followed in suite.
The sun was setting now and we were just looking out into the ocean. In that peaceful quiet once again.
The sky looked so beautiful. The colors all morphing to different hues as sun disappeared into the sea.
I couldn't help but smile at its beauty.
I felt a hand cover mine.
My hand felt so small in his.
So protected.
I couldn't hold back by sigh of content.
It seems I couldn't hold back at all today.
This should bother me.
But it doesn't.
Edward looks down at our joined hands and then looks back at me.
And in a small sad voice he says
"Do you really think my hair looks like a messy blob of nothing"?
I give him a small smile and gently lift my hand from under his and run my fingers through his hair.
So soft.
I shake my head at him and give him a small smile.
"It's perfect."
I drop my hand from his hair and place it on top of his.
I haven't felt so in peace in a long time.
"Thank you." I turn to look at him and smile.
He looks at me for a long time before he responds
"Anytime Kitty."
A/N: Hope you liked it!
