Chapter 7: Brian: Portrait of a Dog

It was another day in Spooner Street. In the Griffins' home, Peter was sitting at the couch with Chris.

"Come on, everyone." Peter said to the rest of the family, who just got in the room, "That Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start."

"I wonder why that show got cancelled." Tyler wondered as he and everyone else was getting themselves comfortable to watch.

On the TV, the show had started with Thomas and Joanie in the living room where Mary walks in.

"Mary." Thomas said to Mary, "Have you seen Nicholas?"

"He's up in his room sulking, dad." Mary told her father and walked off.

"Yeah, he's still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards." Joanie explained as she was reading a book.

"Oh, well, maybe I should make him a sandwich." Thomas suggested.

Joanie gave a slight laugh. "Oh, dad, that's your solution to everything." Joanie acknowledged to her father and went back to reading.

Thomas, however, didn't look too pleased at what she said about his idea and, for some unknown reason, started slapping her repeatedly.

This went on until Mary ran in and tried to stop her father.

"Dad!" Mary called out to Thomas, "DAD!"

"WHAT?!" Thomas shouted.

"Eight is enough!" Mary said.

Suddenly, Thomas chuckled with Mary and soon Joanie, who was getting up.

"You know I love you, girls." Thomas said to his daughters.

It cut back to the Griffins, who were immediately frozen in shock, surprise and, most likely, horror at what they just saw.

"Oh, that's why..." Tyler remarked about his statement earlier.

John and Tyler then looked at each other to seemingly say about their opinion about the episode, but then found Stewie having a satisfied grin on his face, as if he enjoyed the event they just saw on the TV. Stewie soon notices them as the smile on his face faded.

"The devil are you staring at?" Stewie said to John and Tyler as they were now giving him stern looks on their faces.

"You were the one responsible for that, weren't you?" John asked Stewie about what happened on the TV.

"YOU PROVE NOTHING!" Stewie shouted in protest against the duo's beliefs.

Opening Credits

It seems today that ya see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good, old-fashioned values?

On which we used to rely

They then change to gold leotards

Lucky there's a Family Guy!

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that makes us

Laugh 'n Cry!

He's

A

Fam-

-ily

Guy!

End

Stewie was busy cutting up squares out of his mother's blouses in his room, which were into a pile.

"Splendid." Stewie exclaimed, "That hausfrau's cheap rayon blouses will make a servicable parachute should I need to abandon my jet in mid-flight... Once it's built, of course."

Stewie then turned to his right.

"Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet?" Stewie asked a teddy bear he called "Rupert," which was sitting up by itself, "No, of course, you didn't, you worthless little..." Stewie smacked the bear and it send it a few feet across the pile of clothes.

"There! See what you made me do?" Stewie scolded the bear, "Do you think I enjoy hitting you? Well, actually, I do. I enjoy it so much I am going to do it again!"

But before Stewie could get another chance to hit Rupert, Lois enters the room.

"Oh, Stewie!" Lois exclaimed as she found him cutting up her blouses, "My clothes are not for you to play with, understand?"

"Hi, Stewie!" Tyler cheerfully greeted Stewie as he entered the room with a big grin on his face.

"Uughh!" Stewie exclaimed after seeing Tyler's expression, "How much I despise that loathesome grin of yours."

"How's this?" Tyler asked as he made an even bigger smile.

Stewie then exclaimed in disgust at the sight of the smile.

"Thanks for telling me, John, Tyler." Lois thanked John and Tyler, "I don't know what we'd do without you both." Lois then walked out of Stewie's room with her shirts.

While John, Tyler and Brian watched Lois depart, Stewie looked at them.

"I'm onto you three." Stewie warned John, Tyler and Brian.

"Are you?" John asked sarcastically.

"Oh, yes!" Stewie answered.

"Were you laying on us?" Tyler asked Stewie as no one responded to Tyler's question for a good 3 seconds.

"You ever thought about sending this guy back to kindergarten?" Brian asked John, "You know, to start all over again?"

"Can we please return to the matter at hand, hm?" Stewie impatiently asked everyone and soon went back to the subject, "Your pathetic attempts to hinder my work have not gone unnoticed. You all prance about this house like the cocks on the walk. But will you three be prancing when, when..."

"When what?" Tyler asked Stewie.

"Let me finish." Stewie pointingly replied, "When... When there's nothing to prance about? Hm? Will all three of you be prancing then?"

"Maybe..." Tyler answered.

"Good one." John praised his pal.

Stewie just strolled out of the room without reply.

"Ah, you just want to eat 'em up." Brian stated as he, John and Tyler exited the room.

"You sure do." John remarked.

"I don't want to eat Stewie." Tyler said.

Another 3 seconds of silence passed.

"Seriously, what the hell's wrong with him?" Brian asked John.

"What do you mean?" John asked back.

"Never mind..." Brian replied defeated.

Later that after, the Griffins were watching TV as usual when Meg came in.

"Ugh! It is so hot out there!" Meg complained.

"How hot is it?" Everyone but John asked Meg in the tone of the audience of The Match Game.

"It is so hot that you could (blank)." Tyler said also in the tone of the same show's host.

"Uh, I don't know." Meg said, "Like, around 98, 99."

"SURVEY SAYS!" Tyler shouted as a buuzer went off in the background.

"Uh, what was that?" John asked Tyler.

"It was from The Match Game." Tyler told John.

"Tyler, I don't think she was just playing a joke." John remarked, "She was just saying it was hot outside."

"Oh..." Tyler replied until, "Tell her what she's won, Johnny!"

"Well, Tyler." Johnny from The Match Game appeared and said to Tyler, "For winning-"

"Stop." John ordered Tyler.

"Okay..." Tyler and Johnny replied.

"Eww, I think I'm a little sweaty." Meg remarked as she walked toward the air conditioner.

"You!" Stewie pointed at John and Tyler, "You two seem to know all the players in this poorly-acted farce. What do they call that one?" Stewie pointed the duo's attention to Meg, who was cooling off.

"That's your sister, Meg." John answered Stewie.

"Meg!" Stewie called to Meg, "You vile-smelling girl, you're not to touch any of my things! You understand me? Dirty, sirty gir- AH!" John flicked Stewie at the left side of his head in Meg's defense.

Later again, the town was now caught in the heat wave. Inside the house, Lois, Chris and Brian were in the living room trying to watch TV to take their mind off the heat with a couple of fans around them to help.

"Meanwhile, here at home, Quahog remains in the sweltering grip of a freak heat wave." Diane Simmons said on the news with her blouse open exposing her purple bra.

"I don't think you should use the word 'freak,' Diane." Tom Tucker, who was without his coat and his tie was loosened said to Diane, "Some people might find it offensive."

Cutaway #1

It showed Tom having breakfast with his son, whose head is shown only at the back.

"Finish your oatmeal, son." Tom told his son.

"Why bother?" Tome's son said who was now shown at the front... with an upside down face, "I'm just a freak! A freak!" The boy knocked over his bowl of outmeal.

Tom could only pity his child.

End

"We're all a little different, Diane." Tom said to Diane, "Each one of us."

"Good point, Tom." Diane remarked, "We're certainely feeling the effects of this heat wave even here at our studio." Dine then called Tom "freak" whilst pulling a fake sneeze, "So stay inside and stay cool."

Cuts back to the couch.

"I think I saw one of her nipples!" Chris claimed as he pointed at the TV.

"Chris, that's a terrible word! 'Nipple.'" Lois told Chris, " I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister."

"I say, am I to strut about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Calcutta?" Stewie asked as he came in the room in his diaper with a yellow shirt, "Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call Child Services!"

"Please don't threaten mommy." Lois said to Stewie, "She's very hot."

"You can threaten me, Stewie- Wait, that didn't came out right." Tyler said before realizing what the topic was.

"Chris, you're hogging up all the fans!" Meg told Chris as she took one of the fans to her face to cool.

"Yeah? Well..." Chris said before pausing, "You're hogging up all the ugly!"

Meg and John, who was sitting by Chris, gave the latter an unimpressed look.

"Hey, check this out, you guys!" Peter said to the family as he came in through the front door, "The Rhode Island Dog Show Championship is in Quahog this year! First prize is $500!"

"Really?" Lois exclaimed in interest, "You know, if you won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner."

"Hey, Brian, you can win for sure." Meg said to Brian, "You could, uh, you could do your impression of a barbershop quartet."

"Or you could hire the Dapper Dans to help you out." Tyler recommended.

"Except you would need permission from Disney in order to do that." Brian informed Tyler.

"DANG IT!" Tyler exclaimed, "Fine, do the barbershop quartet."

Cutaway #2

Brian was dressed up in barbershop quartet attire as he was outside at night.

We were sailing along

On Moonlight Bay-ay-ay-ay-ay

The Griffins were sitting on a bench listening to Brian's performance, except Meg who was laying on her stomach.

We could hear the voices singing

They seem to say-

Brian was hit by what appeared to be John's shoe.

"SHUT UP!" John yelled offscreen.

End

"Uh, sorry." Brian gently declined, "I-I don't-I don't do dog shows. It's not my thing."

"Come on, Brian." John begged Brian, "All you gotta is do a few simple commands and we'll get that air conditioner."

"Yeah, it'll be like taking candy from a baby." Peter acknowledged.

Cutaway #3

Peter was at a park next to a mother with her baby in it's crib whilst it was also holding up a lollipop. Peter tried to take away the baby's candy, but the mother slapped it away. This repeated slowly at first, but then got faster and fast every time.

End

"Please, Brian." Meg begged.

"I-I don't know. I mean, eh, I don't even know where my papers are." Brian said, "Can't you get the money some other way?"

"Oh, believe me, I've been trying." Peter said, "That's why I went on that game show."

Cutaway #4

The show Peter mentioned going on to get the money was Jeopardy!

"For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products." The host stated as he was reading from an index card.

"Diarrhea." Peter quickly answered.

The audience laughed at Peter's answer.

"What?" Peter asked, "Oh, oh, oh, sorry, sorry. What is diarrhea?"

End

"Actually, Mr. Griffin. I was thinking me and Tyler could be the ones to help train Brian." John said to Peter, "It can also help us getting to know more about him. That is is he wanted to, that is."

Brian watched as he realized the family was really dependant that he could win.

On the following night, John and Tyler were with Brian.

"Alright, let's go over the commands." John said, "Tyler, tell us what the book says."

"Okay, first off sit." Tyler responded.

Brian scoffed as he walked offscreen and came back with a chair. He placed it in fornt of the duo and sat on it.

"Uhh... Good?" Tyler congradulated Brian feeling awkward about what happened.

"What's next." John asked.

Rollover." Tyler replied.

"Guys, I'm already shvitzing like crazy here." Brian complained, "Let's call it a night, huh?"

"Very well." Tyler remarked.

"What?" John exclaimed in surprise, "But we just got started."

"Yeah, w-we haven't even talked about how you're gonna wear your ears." Peter agreed, "'Cuz you know, I was thinking up."

"Ugh, I need a cocktail." Brian said as he left the room.

"Don't push too hard, John." Lois said to John, "You gotta take Brian's feelings into consideration. After all, it's only a dog show."

"Yeah. Except it's also our oly chance at being able to afford a new air conditioner." John reminded Lois of the other reason Brian's attending.

"He's right, listen to him, Lois." Peter said to Lois, "Because right now you're sucking all the energy out of the room."

"That's not sucking up the energy out of the room, Mr. Griffin." Tyler said to Peter offscreen, but soon showed Tyler with a very large vaccuum cleaner almost as big as the room, "THIS is sucking all the energy in the room!"

"Tyler, no, wait!" Peter warned Tyler, "The very balance of the universe will be at risk if you turn that damned thing on."

"What's that now?" Tyler asked, "I'm busy about to turn this on."

"NNOOOOO!" Peter exclaimed in horror as Tyler flipped the switch.

Peter, Lois and John fled as the vaccuum began sucking up all the furniture in the room. Then it cut to the outside of the house where the whole thing was soon sucked by the vaccuum. The it sucked up the whole town, then the whole country, then after going to a view of the planet's orbit, the entire scene was sucked up, leaving only a blank, white space.

The next day where everything is back to the way it was before, Brian was drying himself off with a hairdryer in the bathroom. Then for a moment bites the hot air coming out of the hairdryer a couples of times. Then he heard a knock on the door and put the hairdryer down.

"Come." Brian told who was behind the door.

"I, uh, got you a little something. From John and Tyler." Lois said to Brian as she was holding a small gift, "You know, for the show."

Brian opened it and found it to be a black collar with a gold buckle.

"It's Italian." Lois informed Brian, "Do you like it?"

"Oh, it's exquisite." Brian praised.

"It's-It's not for everyday." Lois soon explained.

"Clearly." Brian remarked, "I'm gonna put it on right now."

"I know how hard you've been working and, well, the whole family appreciates it." Lois informed Brian who was putting on his new collar, "I also want to let you know that John and Tyler are doing the best they can to not only be your trainers, but also your friends."

"Oh, I'm sure they've proven that already." Brian said.

"Well, maybe." Lois agreed, "But they don't seem to know that and I think this could really help you bond with them, not just as friends, but also family. So, would you mind giving it a chance, just this once?"

"Well..." Brian sighed, "I guess I'll give it a try."

"Thank you." Lois said to Brian, "I should go. We'll be waiting downstairs whenever you're ready. And Brian..." Brian turned to Lois after she called him, "...you look very handsome." She then closed the door behind her after telling Brian.

Brian then dropped a few eyedrops before taking a deep breath and exclaimed "Showtime!" with a big grin on his face.

The Griffins arrive at the soocer field where the dog show was taking place at.

"Welcome to the Quahog Dog Show." One of the hosts of the competition announced, "Today's competition will be almost as hot as the weather, which is once again in the triple digits."

As they walked by, Brian noticed a bird flying by that, for no reason, bursts from combustion. He then noticed all the others contestants getting ready.

"Peter, I'm not-I'm not really comfortable with all this." Brian said to Peter as he soon noticed a dog sniffing his behind, "Do I know you?" The dog immediately left.

"You don't have to do it if you don't want to." Tyler told Brian.

"Uh, Tyler, remember the reason why we're-" John reminded Tyler.

"Oh, right, sorry." Tyler said.

"I-I don't think I can do this." Brian admitted.

"But we can't quit now." John said, "We came this far."

"He's right. Hey, look, how about a pill? Something to relax you before you go on, eh?"

"Peter, are you offering Brian drugs?" Lois asked Peter.

"Not drugs, Lois." Peter assured her, "Just-Just a little blue thing celebrities take to help them perform."

"Well, those celebrities are wrong!" Lois protested.

"Lois!" Peter exclaimed, "If Liza is wrong, then I don't wanna know what right is."

Cutaway #5

Liza Minnelli was in her dressing room.

"Two minutes 'til curtain, Mrs. Minnelli." A stagehand informed the singer.

"Oh, come on, baby!" Liza pleaded to someone to the right offscreen, "Mama's gotta sparkle! It's time to make life a cabaret!"

The person she was talking to was revealed to be... a blue M&M.

"Lady, for God's sake, I'm just a hard-shelled chocolate candy! GET HELP!" The M&M said to Liza.

End

Stewie was trying to use an ad for the dog show to fan himself, to no avail. He discarded the ad and tried to get out, but couldn't.

"You there, child-woman!" Stewie called out to Meg next to him, "I'll give you a shiny new dime if you'll roll me into the nearest lake."

"Let me see if I can find you a juice box. Okay?" Meg affectionately said to her brother and left.

"Wow." John thought after seeing Meg's behavior, "That seemed real nice of her. Even though it is toward Stewie."

"Yes. Get the lead out, pudgy!" Stewie yelled.

"Okay, I've had enough." John said as he unstrapped Stewie out of his stroller and went off.

"Wait. What are you doing?" Stewie demanded.

"Teaching you to treat your family with respect." John told Stewie.

"And how do you suppose you do that, hm?" Stewie questioned John's plan.

"By dropping you to the nearest lake." Tyler answered.

"WHAT?!" Stewie exclaimed as he was soon dropped from the edge of a hill, who screamed as he fell and splashed into the water below.

John and Tyler managed to get back to the show in time where it was about to begin.

"Next, John and Tyler Griffin and their dog, 'Brain.'" The announcer said.

"Brian!" Tyler corrected.

"Well, we're off to a good start." Brian remarked.

Brian then got in his starting position and the official started the event. Brian was off as he skipped through the first three obstacles.

"Go, Brian!" John and Tyler cheered in unison.

He then he stopped for a quick cigarette break during the event.

"Uh..." Tyler replied in confusion.

Brian took one inhale and instantly put out his cigarette before continuing on until he got past the last obstacle.

"A beautiful performance from 'Brain' Griffin!" The announcer praised.

"Go, Brian!" The family cheered Brian on.

Brian then stopped and panted a few times before John and Tyler came up to him.

"Okay, Brian, we're good to go." Tyler informed Brian.

"Here." John said as he placed a dog biscuit on top of Brian's nose.

"Wha-What-What the hell is this?" Brian asked in confusion.

"It's the part where you beg for a treat." John explained.

"Oh, I don't think so." Brian refused as he took the biscuit off his nose.

"Brian, don't." Tyler begged Brian.

"Yeah, come on, Brian." John begged also, "Just do one more trick and you're done."

The audience began to feel concerned about Brian's act of refusal.

"God, they can't expect Brian to do that." Lois noted.

"It easier than it looks, mom." Chris informed Lois.

"I'll go see if I can help." Peter said as he got up and went to John and Tyler.

"Brian, we had a deal." John reminded Brian.

"What's the problem, Brian?" Peter asked Brian.

"The problem is that these two tried to get me to beg for this." Brian explained as he showed Peter the dog biscuit, "Well, you know what? The deal's off. Me and the little shred of dignity I have left will be waiting in the car!" Brian threw the biscuit at Peter's gut and walked off.

"Bri-Brian, come back here!" Peter ordered Brian, "Hey, don't you walk out on me! Hey- Uh..." Peter noticed the crowd was now directing their attention at him, "Heh, uh, I now command you to leave. Yep, keep goin'. Yep, th-th-that's right. Yeah, flip me off. Good boy. Hehehehe." This only made Peter more aware that the crowd wasn't impressed.

The family was now driving home.

"How could you let us down like that, Brian?" John asked Brian about his protest.

"Oh, I let you down?" Brian assumed, "Wh-Why? Because I refused to demean myself by perpetuating the stereotype of the 'good dog'?"

"I kinda agree. This was the one thing one of us has ever asked you to do for this family." Peter remarked, "Well, you know, this and not, uh, do that thing where you drag your ass across as the carpet."

"Oh! Oh! One time I did that! I just wanted to see what it felt!" Brian pointed out.

"Boys, boys, please!" Lois urged quartet to stop fighting, "Let's just have a nice family car ride like we always do."

"Yeah, except for the time dad hit that deer." Chris reminded everyone of one incident.

Cutaway #6

Instead of what it is assumably stated above, however, it was acutally Peter accidentally hitting the front of an anthropomorphic deer's car, whom was with Peter surveying the crash.

"Yeah, well, looks-looks like it's just a ding." Peter stated, "Uh, you know, there's-there's no reason to get the insurance companies involved."

"Well, uh, you know, I should still take down your information, though." The deer said.

"Really? 'Cuz, you know, you-you could probably just buff that out, I mean-" Peter pointed out.

"Yeah, but I-I-I just, I really-" The deer tried to say, but Peter kept talking.

"I would really, I would really feel better if I got your information." the deer finally spoke.

End

"You know, Brian, I feel like you don't trust us or something." Tyler said to Brian.

"Yeah, you're acting as if we don't care about you." John agreed.

"Guys, if you cared about me, you'd never ask me to do something so degrading." Brian told off the duo.

"Hey, look, you, the next time someone asks you to do something, I expect you to do it. Understand?" Peter told Brian.

"You're taking their side, Peter?" Brian asked Peter.

"Who wants to sing show tunes?" Lois asked hoping it'll get their mind off what happened, "'In olden-"

"Stop the car." Brian demanded.

"Oh, oh, is that what you want, mister?" Peter questioned, "Because I'll stop."

"Pull over now." Brian demanded.

"Fine!" Peter and John replied as the car made a screeching halt. Brian got out and was about to walk off.

"Aye, God." Lois exclaimed in annoyance, "Brian, please don't do this."

"Yes, please, Brian." Tyler pleaded, "Just give us another chance."

Brian thought a moment and decided to go.

"Is the doggie going bye-bye? Ew, I'm so sad." Stewie said sarcastically as he soon looked to the back view of the car, "QUICK! BACK-UP!"

Eventually, it was night and Brian was still walking home. He was soon picked up by a cop while he was great walking.

"Oh, great." Brian exclaimed as the vehicle stopped next to him and the policeman got out, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"Can I see your license, boy?" The officer asked Brian.

"'Boy'?" Brian said confused to why the man called him that until, "Oh. Oh, God." He realized that he was still wearing the collar he wore for the dog show and was now in trouble, "Uh, I-I left it on my other collar."

"You been chasing cars tonight, boy?" The officer asked Brian.

"Look, the name is Brian." Brian told the officer, "I was just out for a little walk, that's all."

"Uh-huh. Without a leash?" The officer questioned.

Brian didn't reply to the cop's question.

"I'm gonna have to ask you to lie down on the sidewalk." The officer ordered Brian, who took a look and soon turned to the officer, "Uh! Down!"

"I don't believe this." Brian sighed.

The policeman drove Brian back to his house and was talking to Peter about what happened.

"I, uh, don't suppose you could let us off with a warning, huh?" Peter asked.

"Sorry, sir. But leash laws are for his own good." The officer informed Peter, "The fine is $10. You behave, little fella, you hear me?"

"Oh, Lordy, Lordy, I'll never roam again!" Brian replied in a sarcastic slave voice.

Peter closed the door.

"Jackass." Brian muttered after.

"Hey, he's the law outside this house, just like I'm the law inside this house." Peter said to Brian, "And you better start obeying both of us."

Unaware to both Peter and Tyler, John and Tyler were walking up the basement stairs in their room and were about to leave through the door when they heard Peter and Brian's conversation.

"And you also better give John and Tyler some respect from now on." Peter informed Brian from outside John and Tyler's room, "They just want to know you better."

"Oh, come on, look at them." Brian said to Peter, "Two teenage boys who can't even remember who they are, can't even be friends with a mesily dog."

This somewhat hurt the duo back in their room and they didn't bother to leave.

"Geez, what a bitch." Peter remarked to himself back in the living room.

The next morning, everyone was in the kitchen about to have breakfast.

"Good morning, Quahog." Diane Simmons greeted on the kitchen TV, "Well, the heat wave is finally broken, Tom."

"It sure has, Diane." Tom replied, "You know what they say, 'If you don't like the weather in New England, go back where you came from.'"

"Uh, I don't think that's the expression." Diane said worried.

"Yeah, I guess I had one too many bloody marys this morning." Tom agreed, "But, anywa-" Tom then accidentally belched out some of the acclaimed bloody mary which splatted a bit on his papers. "Oh, God, I hope the boss isn't watching." Tom said out of embarassment as he wiped off the bloody mary with his tie.

Diane laughed nervously.

"Heh. I don't know how those two manage to be so perky in the morning." Peter remarked.

"Same here." Tyler agreed.

"Mmm, something smells good." Meg acknowledged.

"Homemade cinnamon buns." Lois said, "Fresh from the tube." She then poked the belly of the Philsbury, who was just standing there giggling from being tickled.

"Nothing says 'I love you' like something from-" The Philsbury Doughboy remarked before Lois began to flatten him with her rolling pin, "Hey, what the hell are you doing, you crazy bi-" He was then flatten all the way.

"These oughta cheer Brian up." Lois said, "Cinnamon buns are his favorite."

"Oh, really?" Peter asked, "'Cuz, you know, I-I-I could've sworn his favorite was 'treat Peter, John and Tyler like crap' buns."

Brian walked into the kitchen after Peter said that.

"Good morning, Brian." Lois greeted Brian, "My, your summer coat is really coming in nicely. Isn't it, Peter?"

"Uh, yeah, yeah." Peter replied, "Uh, must be that special jojoba shampoo I bought ya. It cost a little extra, though."

"Yeah and I could've sworn I bought a collar meant specifically for that." John claimed.

"Exactly." Tyler agreed, "How's that not a sign of good friendship?"

"I know." Peter said, "I mean, we'd do anything for you, Brian."

Brian glanced at Peter, John and Tyler unimpressed. "I'll be on the veranda since you three are already on the cross."

"What now?" John and Tyler exclaimed in unison and in confusion.

"Oh, eat with us, Brian." Lois begged as she picked up a plate of cinnamon buns, "I made cinnamon buns."

"Please, Brian." Tyler begged Brian, "All this fighting is making me feel real sad."

Everyone but Brian and Stewie then exclaimed in pity for Tyler after hearing his speech.

"May I guess that the only way you'll feel better is for me to balance that plate on my nose?" Brian sarcastically asked Tyler.

"Brian, stop this." Lois said, "Can't you get along with John and Tyler like you do with Peter?"

Cutaway #7

The cutaway was actually a parody of a 1920s cartoon starring Peter and Brian in classic cartoon design.

In the "cartoon," Brian was sawing some lumber when Peter comes in with another large piece of lumber. He sets it down and wipes off some sweat.

Suddenly, a safe falls from the sky and flattens Brian. Peter is distraught and tries to crack the combination to the safe. He manages to get it open to find Brian unscathed with his arms crossed.

Then a title card popped up and read "Ha-ha-ha-ha!" as Peter and Brian were shown chuckling.

The cartoon then ended with Peter and Brian walking off into the sunset.

End

"It can never be like things are with me and Peter, not after the way they treated me." Brian said, "Not after the things I've seen."

"What did you see?" Chris asked Brian.

"Was it dark things?" Tyler asked.

"W-Was it breasts?" Chris asked hoping it was the answer.

"Geez, Brian, haven't you heard of forgive and forget?" John asked Brian.

"He's right, Brian." Tyler assured Brian, "It's never a good idea to hold onto grudges, no matter what happened."

"Yeah, how bad do you really have it with those two?" Peter questioned Brian, "When I found you, you were nothing but a stray."

"Huh?" John and Tyler exclaimed in surprise.

"You swore you would never speak of that." Brian gasped.

In a flashback, Brian was just as Peter claimed; a stray dog with a 5 o'clock shadow and was holding up a bottle of booze on his right hand and a sign reading "Will Sit For Food" on his left hand. Peter's car pulled up in front of a stoplight near Brian. Brian smiled as he grabbed a wodded up newspaper and a spray bottle.

"Uh, uh, no, thank you. I just had it cleaned." Peter said to Brian trying to get him away, but Brian still sprayed the windshield and dried it off with the newspaper where it had rub marks on the front, "Oh, uh, um... Ah, geez."

"All set, sir." Brian said to Peter.

"Uh, I-I don't have any change." Peter told Brian, "Sorry."

"Oh. Tha-That's okay." Brian shrugged, "No charge."

Brian then walked off as Peter looked at him and soon pitied the poor canine.

"W-W-Wait! Wait!" Peter stopped Brian, "Uh, Y-Y-Y-You hungry? 'Cause, uh, you know, my-my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world."

Brain smiled in confidence as he knew he was getting something to eat.

It then flashed back to present day.

"Look, Brian, we're just trying to get to know you, that's all." Tyler informed Brian, "Maybe even a little more."

"That's right." John agreed, "Now just eat your cinnamon buns and stop being a bad dog, for crying out loud."

Brian gasped in shock after hearing that last part. "How dare you?" Brian exclaimed in outrage, "HOW DARE YOU?!" Brian slammed his mug hard on the table and headed toward the door.

"And where do you think you're goin'?" Peter demanded.

"Out!" Brian answered pissed.

"Hey! You're not going anywhere without your leash!" Peter warned Brian.

"I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you nor them!" Brian said as he pointed to John and Tyler, "I'm goin' for a walk."

"Don't worry." Peter assured everyone, "He won't get far without this." He held up a milking machine.

"Mr. Griffin." Tyler said to Peter, "That's the wrong one."

"Oh." Peter replied.

At the Quahog Mini-Mart, Brian was about to purchase a box of baggies as he placed it on the counter.

"And a pack of Eldorados," Brian told the cashier, "unfiltered."

The cashier gave Brian a blank stare.

"What?" Brian asked as he looked behind him, "Oh, that, yeah. I'll clean that up on my way out."

"See that sign?" The cashier asked Brian pointing at the sign on the door that read "No Dogs Allowed," "Now why don't you go tie yourself up to that parking meter? I don't want any trouble." The cashier placed his hand on a gun underneath the counter and Brian walked back from the man's threat.

Meanwhile at home, the Griffins were watching a commercial on TV. In it was a mother and her daughter laying on a blanket in a green meadow.

"Mom, have you ever had a problem with freshness?" The daughter asked her mother.

"What do you mean, honey?" The mother asked back.

"You know." The daughter replied, "Have you ever felt not so fresh?"

"I'm-I'm not sure what you're... I-I-I don't follow you." The mother admitted confused about her daughter's question.

"Um... Have you ever felt like you're, you know, dirty?" The daughter tried to make it clearer, but the mother didn't answer, "Down there?"

"Oh-OH! Oh! Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, God, no!" The mother answered at last realizing what her daughter meant.

Cuts back to the Griffins.

"Oh, that was Brian's favorite commercial." Lois lamented.

"'Brian'? 'Brian'? 'Brian'?" Peter muttered, "No, no, no, it's not ringing a bell."

"No, it rings a bell." Tyler corrected, "It's faint- Oh! Now the bell broke."

"Yeah. Just like our friendship with a certain mutt." John scolded.

"Oh, stop it!" Lois said to John and Tyler, "We all miss him. Go find him, apologize, and bring him home."

"Well, I guess it is our fault." Tyler admitted.

"Same here." John agreed, "We didn't mean to push him away. We were just wanting to get closer to our family. Brian included."

"Look, you boys heard him. He doesn't want to be involved with you nor this family." Peter said to both John, Tyler and Lois, "And we don't need him. We can get another pet."

"No." Tyler reacted.

"Yeah, dad." Chris agreed with Tyler, "No one can take Brian's place."

"Silence! Silence! Silence!" Stewie hushed everyone, "That mongrel is probably decomposing on the side of a dirt road as we speak! Let's get a kitty!" He was joyfully jumping up and down after saying that last part.

"See, gang?" Peter asked everyone, "Stewie's got the right idea!"

"For once." John muttered.

"What was that?!" Stewie reacted.

"I don't know, Peter." Lois said to Peter warily.

"Lois, trust me." Peter assured Lois, "We'll get a lovable kitty-cat and everybody will feel a lot better."

It then cut to the kitchen with a small hissing cat prancing on top of the fridge. The Griffins were on ground level trying to get it to come down.

"Ah, he-here, kitty, kitty." Peter called out to the cat, "Come on down, eh, nice and easy." While the Griffins weren't looking, a Black Cat firework fell from where the cat was, "That's a good kitty-"

The Blackcat popped and it made the Griffins react and back away.

"The hell was that?-" Peter asked as another firework quickly dropped from the top and popped again, causing the same reaction.

Another firework falls down on the floor and Tyler bends down to see what it is.

"Oh, I get it." Tyler said in realization, "It's a-"

The firework, however, popped before Tyler had the chance to finish his sentence. He rises back up and his head was covered with sut.

"...Black Cat." Tyler finished his sentence before dropping to the floor.

Later at night, Brian was walking into a restaurant by the name of Taste of Sicily.

"Uh, something near a window." Brian told the reservationist, "Preferably a booth."

This got the clerk mad and threw Brian out at back.

"Yeah! Yeah, ya got 50 Puerto Ricans in the kitchen!" Brian smack-talked, "Yeah, that's-that's authentic Italian."

He soon stumbled upon what appeared to be the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp, where the Tramp rolled the meatball to Lady.

"Oh, don't do that." Brian said to the dogs, "That's what they expect you to do."

The dogs were only confused by what he meant as they gave a quick look at each other before turning back to Brian.

"Yeah, o-okay, maybe you don't see it now." Brian said, "But-But what about if your puppies could? And your puppies' puppies? God, am I the only one who's outraged here?!" Brian then took a deep inhale and then exhaled before going back to the dogs.

"I'm-I'm-I'm sorry." Brian apologized, "Enjoy your dinner." He then left them to themselves.

That same night, it was dinnertime back at the Griffin house.

"Hey, how come you're still setting a place for Brian?" Peter asked Lois as he entered the kitchen and noticed Brian's place was set.

"Because when he comes home, I want him to know he never left our thoughts." Lois explained, "I know you, John and Tyler are thinking about him, too, Peter."

"Look, Lois, he broke his promise to those boys." Peter told Lois, "Besides, we have a new pet and we love our fluffy kitty." Peter turned to reveal a couple of scratch marks on the back of his body, "Although, he seems mostly nice to Tyler."

The next day, Brian was walking through a park where he decided to get a drink of water from the fountain. This caught everyone's attention and disgust.

"Oh, gross." A female jogger exclaimed, "Did he just drink from the fountain?"

Then two cops stepped in and tried to arrest Brian.

"Hey, you!" One of the officers hollered out to Brian.

Brian ran off as soon as he realized what they were about to do.

"Stay!" The cops ordered Brian again as a chase ensued.

For some reason, it lead them to the chase scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Brian tried to lose them by turning over fruit carts where the fruit spilled, which seemed to have worked. They then noticed a heavily-robed person with a tail sticking out. They suspect this to be Brian, only to find after pulling of the cloak to be an ugly, old woman. The policemen then give up the chase and leave, where it shows that Brian was actually hiding in a basket near a stand, where it also reveals Joyce DeWitt coming out.

"Joyce DeWitt?" Brian exclaimed, "So, that's where you've been."

Joyce only shushed Brian.

Later that evening, Brian was now sleeping at a bus station.

"Sorry, pooch. You gotta sleep outside." A bus driver informed Brian, "No dogs allowed in the bus station."

"Oh, my-my-my blind guy's in the john." Brian lied.

"I'll point him in your direction." The bus driver remarked as he got Brian off the bench.

Meanwhile, back at the Griffin's house that same night, John and Tyler were about to head to bed when John felt like his foot tapped something. It was Brian's tennis ball.

"Brian's tennis ball." John acknowledged, "Man, he loved to play with this thing."

Cutaway #8

Brian was playing tennis as he soon served.

"Double fault!" Said the referee.

"Ahh! Come on, Brian." Brian said to himself.

End

John and Tyler decided to ask Peter and Lois to see if they could get Brian back, but before they could even knock, however.

"Peter, why don't you just admit you miss Brian?" John and Tyler heard Lois's voice as they peaked though the ajar door to see she was talking to Peter.

"Huh, you're right, Lois. Who am I kidding?" Peter agreed with her, "This family needs Brian. I need him. But most of all, I think John and Tyler need him."

Suddenly, the cat appeared and clawed up Peter's eyelids.

"God, I hate this freakin' cat." Peter said in aggrivation.

John and Tyler pulled away and thought that maybe they should be the ones to find Brian.

The next day, Brian was a stray once again, though he still had his collar. He was also carrying a cup for people to put change in.

"Can you, uh, spare some change?" Brian asked a man passing by.

"Why? So you can buy yourself another bottle of booze?" The man criticized, "Why don't you make something of your life, like this dog?" He was pointing at a wanted poster of Brian.

"That's me!" Brian reacted, "I-I mean, that was me."

"Yeah, sure." The man scoffed as he walked away.

"No, I mean it." Brian claimed, "That was me."

"Alright, I get it." The man said.

"Seriously!" Brian exclaimed.

"G-Get away from me, you crazy animal!" The man said to Brian.

"Alright, alright, you want me to be a crazy animal?" Brian talked back, "Okay, I'm a crazy animal!"

Brian then started biting on the man's leg.

"Ah, help! Help! Help! Help!" The man screamed.

Coincidentally, John and Tyler were there while putting up wanted posters of Brian. They heard the man's pleas for help and turned to that direction.

"Alright, who wants to be next?" Brian dared, "You? You?"

"Hey, Brian!" John called out to Brian, "Brian!"

"Brian!" Tyler also called out to Brian.

Brian turned to see John and Tyler there, much to his delight.

"We're here to bring you-" Tyler was about to say until the police arrived and took Brian away.

"You're going downtown, pal." One of the policemen carrying Brian away said as they got him in and drove away.

"Home..." Tyler finished his previous sentence.

Brian was locked up in the Quahog City Pound, where he had a cellmate that was a vicious looking dog.

"Hi." Brian greeted his cellmate, "How's it goin'?"

The dog did nothing but step closer at Brian.

"Oh, God." Brian reacted in fear that he'll get mauled, "Uh, I-I know karate!" But it didn't work, even when tried doing some stances of it. The dog, however, was still threatening Brian's life. "Oh, look! A tasty little toy chihuahua." Brian said trying to get the dog distracted. It worked and Brian tried to kick it in the nuts, but that backfired. "Well, I see someone's been neutered." Brian remarked as the dog is about to jump at Brian, but fortunately, he's saved when Brian's monitor, Felicia, opened the door between him and the dog.

"Come on, sugar." Felicia said to Brian, "It's time."

"Thank God." Brian thanked in relief as he left the cell.

The family was waiting for him when Brian came out.

"Oh, he's cute. Aren't you precious?" The man at the desk said to Brian, "Lethal injection. Next!"

"What?" Brian exclaimed.

"Oh, no!" Lois reacted.

"You can't do this!" Peter protested.

"Well, who's up for a little lunch, hm?" Stewie asked the family, "Something festive. Did someone say Tex-Mex?"

"Shut up, Stewie." John and Tyler said to Stewie in unison.

"I'm sorry, sugar." Felicia apologized to Brian.

"Help me." Brian pleaded to John , Tyler and Peter.

"Don't worry, boys." Peter said to John and Tyler, "I'll get him outta this. I'll get us the best help there is."

Cutaway #9

"'Dear, MacGuyver.'" Peter as he was writing a letter, "'Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.'"

The person he wrote it for was MacGuyver from the show of the same name as he was reading it. Unfortunately, the letter was written in invisible ink, so MacGuyver didn't understand. He took the straw, then the clip, then bent and placed the clip at the tip of the straw. Next, he picked up the rubber band and put one end of it in the area of the paper clip that didn't get bent. He then pulled the rubber band, only for the clip to loosen and hit his eye.

End

The next week, Lois visited Brian at the pound.

"You're looking well." Lois told Brian.

"Yeah? Don't get too close. They say I'm dangerous." Brian informed Lois, "That's why the man's gonna put me down."

"Oh, don't say that, Brian." Lois said to Brian, "Peter, John and Tyler are working on your appeal. You'll see, everything's gonna work out."

"Ha! I may have been born with my eyes closed, but now I see the world for what it is." Brian scoffed, "I'm a second-class citizen, Lois."

"Brian, great news!" Peter came in and told Brian, "The City Council agreed to hear your case!"

"You're kidding!" Brian reacted, "If-If I prepare my case, I might have a chance after all. Oh, I don't know how to thank you, guys."

"See, Brian?" Tyler asked Brian, "This is what we were talking about."

"It-It is?" Brian said.

"Of course." Lois answered, "We're family. This is what we do for each other and it's what John and Tyler are doing for you right now."

"Yeah, we're gonna help get you outta here, no matter what." Tyler assured Brian, "Right, Mr. Griffin? Mr. Griffin?"

Tyler and John then turned to what Peter was looking at and did the same thing.

"Boys?" Lois asked Peter, John and Tyler as she turned to their direction where it showed a female dog flashing her nipples at the dog from Brian's cell, "Boys, don't stare!"

"Sorry, Mrs. Griffin." John and Tyler apologized, except Peter, who was still staring.

Later that night, Brian was getting prepared for his case with the City Council. He studied all night memorizing all the basic to law, thought he at one point decides to secretly read a doggy porno magazine whilst squatting over to see for any signs of erection.

The next morning, the case arrived at City Hall and Brian was now prepared. He walked into the courtroom wearing a blue suit and for some reason, glasses.

"Oh, good luck, sweetness." Felicia said to Brian.

"Thanks, Felicia." Brian thanked Felicia's support.

"This meeting was called to review the judgement in City of Quahog v. Brian Griffin." A member from the board announced.

Brian walked up. "Justice, for all..." Brian quoted as he removed his glasses, "...or for some?" He then put them away.

"Does a dog not feel?" Brian continued his speech, "If you scratch him, does his leg not shake? Yes, he is man's best friend, but-but what manner of friend is man?" He then went to his booth and opened his law book. "I would like to cite, if I may, the case of Plessy v. Ferguson-"

"Wait, wait, wait a minute." The same member who started the case paused, "This case is being represented by a dog?" The other member nodded, "Well, this has got to be the most ridiculously absurd thing that's ever happened! Take him away!"

"OBJECTION!" Tyler protested slamming his hand onto the stand.

"Objection what?" The member asked Tyler.

"Oh, I didn't expect anyone to say anything." Tyler confessed, "I just wanted to say, 'OBJECTION!.'"

"Thanks." Brian sarcastically thanked Tyler as security came in and grabbed him, "But-But doesn't every dog have his day?"

"Wait! I have something to say about this!" John announced, "All Brian's wanted this whole time was the same respect he gives us."

"Yeah, that and Snausages." Peter pointed out, "Heh, he's mental for those Snausages! And, uh, sure, sometimes we have arguments, like when he's sleeping on the bed and Lois is in the 'oodmay' but Brian won't 'amscray.'"

"Peter-" Lois said to Peter trying to let him finish so John could get back to his statement.

"Oh, right, sorry." Peter replied, "Look, what the kid's trying to say is, he's a member of our family first and a dog second. A-And John, Tyler and I are real sorry we forgot that, buddy. Sometimes, we all need a second chance."

"That's right." Tyler agreed, "We all need to forgive."

This got the family tearing up.

"I stole $10 from Meg's room!" Chris tearfully confessed.

"Uh..." John exclaimed in awkwardness.

"I stole those $10 from mom's purse!" Meg tearfully confessed also.

"Okay." Tyler said, "This isn't what I was talking about-"

"I've been making counterfeit $10 bills for ye-" Lois was about to join in.

"OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH!" Tyler shouted, "Thank you for sharing!"

"Mr. Griffin, this dog just attacked someone about a few days ago and might become a danger to society. Albeit an articulate and charismatic one." The main member told Peter, "But the law is the law and it cannot be circumvented by pretty words."

"What if we told you he'll do community service?" John asked the Council, which caught Brian by surprise.

"Deal." The member agreed.

The family (except Stewie) cheered for Brian's freedom.

"Mistrial, damn it!" Stewie protested, "Mistrial!"

The Griffins exit City Hall where Brian decided to finally have a drink from the fountain. One cop tries to stop Brian, but...

"No." Another cop stopped his partner, "Let him go."

The two policemen then let Brian by and the latter then took a sip. As everything seemed perfect, one man from the crowd started, but no one else joined him and he stopped.

"Nothing..." Tyler remarked.

Later that evening, the family was watching TV and things were back to normal.

"Anybody want more pizza rolls?" Lois asked everyone.

"Yeah, yeah, quiet, Lois." Peter shushed Lois, "Murder, She Wrote."

(A/N: I'm sorry for disappointing, y'all, but I felt a bit uncomfortable about this joke. In case you want to know, I'm against abortion and I don't think it's funny, but I will add the part with Peter below.)

"Aha!" Peter exclaimed, "So she's the murderer!"

"Come on, kids." Lois called out to John, Tyler, Meg, Chris and Stewie, "Bedtime."

The kids out up and went to bed.

"Goodnight, Brian." Lois greeted Brian good night, "And welcome home." Lois then gave a kiss good night.

"Oh, uh, actually, do you mind if I talk with John and Tyler for a minute before they head for bed?" Brian asked Lois.

"Sure thing." Lois assured.

"Okay." Both said in unison.

"Good night." Chris greeted.

"Good night." Meg greeted.

"Night." John and Tyler greeted.

After almost everyone else left, Stewie stayed and said to Brian, "Dog?"

"Yeah?" Brian asked.

Stewie gave a bow of acceptance to Brian and then scurried off.

"So, Brian. What was it wanted to-" John asked Brian before Brian licked his face. The same with Peter and Tyler. Though they didn't see it coming, John and Tyler then knew right away that Brian had now accepted him as both their friend and a member of their family.

"If you three ever tell anyone about that, I will kill all of you." Brian soon threatened the trio, though they didn't think he meant it.

The End

(A/N: To everyone who read, favorited and even reviewed this fanfic, thank you all so very much for all your support. I'm really glad there are people who have loved my story, I cannot tell you how much it means to me to have these great reviews, favorites and follows. Plus, this fanfic even got a community. Just a little notice, I'm going to be taking a break from writing for a while, but that doesn't mean it's the end. No. I know now that there are a lot of you who are loving this new retelling of Family Guy and I'm grateful for it. So, if you want a season 2, then please tell me in your review and maybe tell me what you want to see different in this version of the hit Fox show. Also, I'll be adding an extra chapter sometime either this month or the next. And again, thank you all for your kindness and God bless you all for it. Until then, see ya folks.)

(Disclaimer: Family Guy and it's characters are owned by both Seth MacFarlane and 20th Century Fox, aka FOX.. John and Tyler, however, belong to me.)