In the Staff room, Iruka is reading the newspapers, Shizune is reading a pamphlet and Yamato is reading his checklist. Then, Asuma enters the room with a six-pack. "Hey, Yamato, want to go for a drinking session?"
Yamato shakes his head. "Not today, Asuma."
Asuma puts his hand on Yamato's shoulder. "Look, it has been a tradition since last week, even though I missed the first one."
"Ok. I'm on edge, but I'll be there," said Yamato. "It's just that I'm nervous about today's soccer match."
Asuma nods. "I know, I know. If there's any consolation, I haven't touched a drop all day."
"That's the problem with this staff. Everyone should not touch the drink until the time is right. I mean, look at Shizune." Yamato points at Shizune talking to Iruka. "She doesn't know what is at stake here."
"Everything's at stake here, a place in the finals is one and next is the school's reputation is on the line and not to mention...gulp." Asuma is interrupted when he swallowed a large amount of air by accident.
"Oh, come on, you're a good friend, Asuma." Yamato helps Asuma out of the Staff room.
Konoha High: Forever Up, Sitting Down
Episode 7: Iruka's Story
By PikaFlash
Disclaimers: All characters, cast, crew and any ideas in this fic belong to their respective owners...this fic is inspired by the new Australian comedy, Sit down Shut up...
Iruka enters Tsunade's office and sits in front of her desk.
"Tsunade, I'm sorry to barge in like this, but I would say that in your best interests that you should find a new science and math teacher. Someone who can start in the next couple of weeks..."
"Can I ask why?" asks Tsunade.
Iruka nods. "Oh, yes, of course. It's a simple reason." Iruka breaths in. "I'm prepared to take my own life. I may do it either at the end of this week or the beginning of next, but once I finish Calculus with the 12th Graders. You see, I find it very hard for me to wake up, roll over and find my wife in the bed with another man."
Tsunade glares at Iruka. "It would have been easier if you had done it two weeks ago!" she said. "We got 'Silly Hat Day' coming up, the '40-hour Famine' this week and next week is 'Gluttony week'. If you could just put it just at the end of the Term, it would do some good from an administrative point of view."
Iruka nods. "Ok, I'll try..."
In the staffroom, the teachers were standing around, and Tsunade walks in...
"Alright, Teachers, looks like Principal Fujiyama will be away for another 2 weeks. His mosquito bites is still quite severe, so I'll be continuing as acting principal. Firstly, staff dress standards has a declined in that area..."
Gai prepares to leave the room as he grabs a large prop.
"Not you, Gai," said Tsunade.
Suddenly Kakashi enters the Staffroom in a Cyclist's bodysuit.
"Kakashi, care to explain why you're in that outfit?" Tsunade asks.
"Well, I'm a cyclist and this outfit cuts down in wind resistance," Kakashi explains. "And lately, female resistance too."
Tsunade is annoyed. "But why are you teaching in this, Kakashi?"
Kakashi explains again. "Well, boss, at the end of the day, I want to get home as quick as possible as I have a half-an-hour break during lunch and I thought it's crazy to put the suit on and teach my afternoon classes and ride home at 10 past 3..."
"Kakashi, School doesn't end until 3:30! If you continue to wear inappropriate attire, you will not only lose your job, but your basic human rights."
Kakashi nods. "Ok. So the bike's alright?"
Tsunade looks at Asuma. "Anyway, Asuma, you have news about the development to the new School Motto?"
Asuma looks up from his list. "Well, I have found a good English Motto which would continue from where our last Korean motto failed. It will bring us to the elite standards...with the help of Kakashi since he's fluent in English. Now we don't want to set unrealistic goals that the students are unable to reach, so, the motto is..."
Kakashi reads the Motto. "'Accept your Limits, Embrace Failure'."
After hearing the motto, Gai suddenly have an idea. "I could use that in my drama classes for their vocal warm-up," said Gai.
Anko rolled her eyes. "I think it's pathetic."
Shizune raised her hand. "I was told that the motto would show the School's opposition to plastic bags?"
Asuma smiles and nods. "That's the great thing about it! It's all in there. I heard great English mottos my father has penned and this is the best he has ever penned."
"Isn't there should be a better one?" Anko asked.
Asuma looks at Kakashi. "There was a Chinese one from Kakashi, but was rejected."
"Can we hear it?" asks Shizune.
Asuma reads the motto. "Ok, it says, 'quanbu kucunpin de qu, shoushi daishou'which means 'All stock must go, clearance sale'."
Tsunade sighed. "I asked for that to be stricken from the Record."
"But it sounds nice thanks to the rolling of the tongue," said Kakashi.
Tsunade looks at Iruka. "Iruka, what do you think?
Iruka stood up. "Well, I think that after 15 years of marriage, it's reasonable to assume that your wife sleeps like a rampant whore." Iruka paused. "I don't know any other languages for that..."
Tsunade nods. "It's decided then, Pikachu will paint in the new motto. Yamato, you have an announcement, make it short since we're pressed for time and I can see that people are getting disinterested."
Yamato looks around the room. "Well, there is the return of Kiba for the soccer team. As long as I keep those 10th Graders away from him, he will become the best player of the team. He is a freak and must be treated like a puppy."
Anko prepares to leave the room. "Well, I won't be going because I detest sport and I'm off to clean the toilets..."
Suddenly, Tsunade said, "Since Pikachu's painting the school motto on the sign, you will have to be there slicing oranges and cleaning their boots..."
Anko breathes a sigh of relief, getting a cleaner job that the one she is about to do...
"...after you clean the toilets," Tsuande finishes.
Anko groaned.
Outside the school, Pikachu prepares to paint the new motto on the front sign of Konoha High. Pikachu takes a roller brush with paint and begins to use the roller brush to put the school motto on a very small Konoha High emblem...
In the hallway, Shizune is giving out the 40-hour famine list to Kakashi.
"Kakashi, here's the list of students that are on the 40-hour famine..."
Kakashi sighs and looks at Shizune. "Shizune, I just want to say that I have broken up with my 4-year relationship with Jun..."
"Oh, I'm so sorry."
Kakashi nods. "Yeah, it just got complicated ever since she found out about my girlfriend. Anyway, that freed up my Monday night and..."
Shizune gives the list to Kakashi. "Kakashi, I don't have time...just take the list."
"You know what, Shizune?" said Kakashi. You wanted to ask me out on a date but you are just a bit nervous...don't worry, just relax..."
"Kakashi, I'm not interested," said Shizune.
Kakashi smiled. "Well, neither am I. But we can make it work..."
Kakashi walks off and then Yamato walk down the stairs. Shizune gives the list to Yamato.
"Yamato, here are the students in the 40-hour famine."
"What? The 40-who?"
"It's a fundraiser for a good cause," Shizune explains. "The students can only eat barley sugar so some of them may be lethargic at certain times."
As soon as Shizune words reach Yamato's ear, Yamato quickly looks at the list of students. "Oh Sweet Pika no...Kiba, you witless moron!"
"What's the problem?" asks Shizune.
Yamato is now furious. "The problem is that today's game is crucial," said Yamato. "Kiba is the only student in Konoha High that has legs the equal length and can kick the ball high and now he's going to be useless," he said.
"It's a worthy cause, Yamato," Shizune explained.
Yamato glared and pointed at Shizune. "You are meddling with powers you cannot possibly comprehend."
Later, at the change rooms in the Sports Field, the Konoha High's soccer team is doing their warm-ups.
"That's good. Now sit down," said Yamato.
The players sat on the bench.
"Now, I'm going to be honest with you boys, after 7 years of coaching in sport, I have that raw gut feeling that..." Yamato pauses. "...you boys are absolutely going to be trashed today. I understand that since the beginning of the year, you have been going out...only to be trashed. Well today, you are to play soccer like you never played before! Half-decently."
"YEAH!" cheered the players.
Yamato nods. "Now, I am aware that some of you are taking part the 40-hour famine." Yamato now has his evil glare switch on. "If I see any of those boys, and I know who those boys are, Kiba Inuzuka! If any of you get sluggish, get outrunned by your opponent or basically mess things up, I will HURL! I cannot accept it! I go out there and I WILL HURL!"
Yamato catches his breath after that last outburst. "Now go play some soccer."
The players walk out of the room...
Back to Pikachu at the signboard, a soccer ball lands next to Pikachu. Choji runs by and picks up the ball but Pikachu splattered paint from his paint roller onto the back of Choji's uniform. Choji looks at Pikachu, but Pikachu holds the paint roller, threatening for more violence with paint to scare the student off...
At the school hallway, Shizune is talking to Sasuke and Sakura...and Iruka walks to the water cooler...
"I know, Sakura, that you and Sasuke are in a very caring loving relationship and I don't mind that you are intimate at the back of my class as long as it doesn't disturbs anyone." Shizune then lowers her voice. "But Mr. Umino's case is unique and it couldn't be helped if he moved you two away from each other."
Iruka heard his name and decides to move closer to listen.
Shizune continues to whispers. You see, Iruka is has a major marital problem and he's another mid-life crisis. Off you go."
As Sasuke and Sakura walked off, Iruka walks up to Shizune...
"Don't worry, Iruka, the students are very caring and sympathetic," Shizune said with a smile.
Shizune pats her hand on Iruka's shoulders and walks away...
In Gai's class, the students were breathing slowly with Gai.
"Alright, class, relax," said Gai. The students relaxed. "Thank you for those 3 hours of silence. After lunch, we will be reciting the new English motto, 'Accept your Limits, Embrace Failure' and it will fill our afternoon classes and the whole of next week..."
During Lunch break, Iruka is watching the students play a casual game of soccer when Asuma tossed a soccer ball at Iruka...
"So, Iruka, want to watch the kids play soccer at the field?"
Iruka crossed his arms. "The only thing less interest me than soccer are the kids."
Asuma disagrees and points at the kids. "Iruka, those kids are an endless source of energy, joy and vitamin B. You just need to make a connection. Now go have a kick..."
"I don't know," said Iruka.
"Just go for it."
As Iruka walks to the makeshift goalpost, Tsunade walks by holding her Dictaphone...
"Note that Iruka has taken my advice and is looking forward to the end of the semester. I have succeeded where Principal Fujiyama would have certainly failed. Note that my voice is loud and clear."
After Tsunade walks off, Iruka gives a thumbs up to Asuma and then as the soccer ball flies towards Iruka, it hits Iruka in the most sensitive part to all males. Meanwhile, the students laugh at Iruka's mishap...
But Asuma could understand Iruka's pain. "There's is no other way to put it...that ball hit him right in the balls."
At the soccer match, Yamato and Anko were standing on the field while Asuma just walks up. Lee is pulling his socks up...
"Lee, wait until the ball is away, then you can put your socks up," Yamato suggested.
"Hey, Yamato, sorry I'm late," said Asuma.
Yamato sighs. "At least you're here. Lee! Go for the ball!"
Asuma begins to yell at the referee. "Oh, RUBBISH! Don't you see? Have a look, ref!" The referee runs past Asuma. "THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING! That's all I'm asking! Is it so hard to see?!"
A goal is scored...
"Great!" mumbled Yamato.
"Oh yes!" screamed Asuma. "A goal!"
"No, Asuma, that's not our goal." Yamato shakes his head. He then points at one of his players. "No more own goals, Lee!"
"This is pathetic. I'm going," said Anko. Anko is about to walk off when Yamato stops her.
"You're not going anywhere." Yamato picks up a bucket of Oranges and gives it to Anko. "Get slicing."
The referee blows the whistle for half-time...Anko was dropping a few oranges as the soccer team ran back to the change rooms.
Asuma continues to yell at the referee. "All I'm asking is to just look! Just have a look. Open it up..."
Back in the staff room, Iruka, still in pain from his previous accident, slowly enters the room. Shizune sees Iruka...
"Iruka, I'm sorry that I was talking about your problems within earshot," said Shizune.
"Well, your apology means nothing to me...but thanks anyway..."
"Iruka, try to talk to the students," Shizune suggested. "Try to connect with the students as some of the seniors have marital problems of their own."
Asuma walks from the shelf to Iruka.
"That's some good advice, Shizune," said Asuma. "But we do know that good advice does Iruka no good, so he needs to be shown upon. So, I will sit in one of his classes."
As Asuma was taking Iruka out of the staffroom...
Asuma whispered to Shizune, "Don't worry; he's in good hands now..."
At Iruka's class.
"Since this is the first time I'm with your class, I will start them off with a joke..." Asuma stands at the teacher's desk to address the students.
"Hello class, I will start off with a quick joke. The other day I was playing baseball when the bat crashed through the window. Get it?"
None of the students got the joke, but Asuma continues.
"Ok, now, I have started off this great class, Iruka can continue from where I left off, Iruka?"
Iruka walks to the desk and puts his folders down. He begins his joke.
"Well, when a great philosopher came up with his famous phrase, he didn't have much confidence in it, so it says, 'I think, therefore I am, I think.'"
Iruka laughed at his own joke, but silence was the only reaction from the students. Asuma looks at the students.
"You harsh pack of uppity little bastards! This man has given his best ideas and I know his joke was crap and you wanted more of me after I whipped you up in a frenzy. All you gave him is nothing. And this little little man has been pushed over the edge by your reactions!"
Iruka couldn't take it anymore, so he walks to the door. "I guess that's it then."
Iruka leaves the classroom.
Back to the sign board, Pikachu is only a quarter way through the motto on the emblem when Pikachu suddenly gets hit by the soccer ball. Now Pikachu is mad as he pulls out a knife and punctures the ball. Pikachu holds the knife as Choji takes the punctured ball from Pikachu.
Yamato enters the staffroom carrying his soccer equipment where Shizune and Anko were doing the crosswords. Shizune sees Yamato and stood up.
"How was soccer, Yamato?" asks Shizune.
"Pretty good," said Yamato. "...considering that half of the team is stricken by famine. You should have been ashamed for yourself and you have ruined the lives of the kids."
"Yamato, I didn't invent the 40-hour famine," said Shizune. "It was run on a voluntary basis."
"THEY WERE PUSH!" Yamato screamed. "They were pushed by someone who wants to rip out the very heart of this school. I hope your friends in hunger land are happy, because back in the real world, the Konoha High soccer team is out of the finals! I hope you can live with that."
As Yamato walks out, Anko and Shizune returned to their crossword puzzle.
"Here's a clue: he has a dickbrain," said Anko.
Kakashi finishes off his English lesson...
"And that's what Shakespeare meant when he wrote about the 'beasts with two backs'."
The students nod as they wrote their notes.
"I'll see you next week." Kakashi is wearing his cyclist bodysuit and rides off on his bicycle out of the classroom.
Iruka walks into Tsunade's office.
"Iruka, I'm pleased to see that you were playing with the students. Don't think that your efforts weren't appreciated..."
"Tsunade, I want you to set up an application immediately because I'm going to end it all as soon as possible," said Iruka.
"But you were having a great day today," said Tsunade.
"Let me explain," said Iruka. "Today I have found 2 more things I am a complete failure at: Stand-up comedy and sport. And I have the bruising to prove the latter, so I simply cannot go on..."
"But you have a duty to the students here..."
Iruka interrupts Tsunade. "Wait, are you threatening legal action against me if I kill myself?"
Tsunade shakes her head. "No, I didn't say that..."
"But you are going to," said Iruka.
Tsunade nods. "You have a legal obligation. Iruka, don't kill yourself. You can't afford it."
Iruka sighs. "Well, thanks Tsunade."
In Asuma's classroom.
"So we've had the glass smashed and I called out, 'TAXI!' and they all look at me and got the joke." Asuma notices that Yamato is not laughing. "Yamato, I thought you like that joke."
Yamato nods. "Yes, Asuma, it was one of your best and I loved it. It's Shizune. She keeps going on and on about the freaking famine! She sounds like a freaking feminist."
"But you love her, don't you?"
Yamato nods. "She's perfect...so perfect that it makes me want to...hurl. But I only know how to be rude, aggressive and insulting and for whatever reason, it's not working."
"Just tell her, Yamato. You have to be honest with people. If someone's unattractive, I'll just tell him. If someone's not slim as I want them to be, I will open up. Look, if people's kids are ugly, they have the right to know! Just tell her you love her, Yamato. Do it now."
Yamato looks at Asuma. "You're right, I got nothing to lose."
"I disagree," said Asuma. "I mean your future happiness is at stake here...but just do it."
Yamato pats Asuma on the shoulder. "Thanks Asuma..."
Once Yamato leaves Asuma's classroom, Asuma opens a can of beer.
"That was a whole load of BS," said Asuma.
Yamato walks in the classroom and sees Shizune sitting down. "Shizune."
Shizune stood up from her seat. "Yes, Yamato?"
Yamato couldn't say a word, but Shizune patiently waits. Yamato slowly raised his hand and breathing heavily as he clenches his hand into a fist...and then brought out his middle finger...
"I see," said Shizune.
Yamato walks out of the staffroom.
Outside the staffroom, Yamato breaths a sigh of relief. At least he gave Shizune an impression about how he felt. He calms himself by breathing slowly. Then, Yamato notices that Shikamaru and Lee are looking at him, so Yamato quickly changes his mood...
"You see what you reduced me to with your incompetent BRAND OF SOCCER!" Yamato angrily walks off leaving a confused Shikamaru and Lee...
End of 07: Iruka's Story
