The mood on the train is the same as it was in the square, somber. We all sit in silence in the living car. Haymitch of course is drinking. But Peeta and I just stare, caught up in our own thoughts. Effie comes in and breaks the silence.
"Alright. Before we begin, I've had a thought." She tells us.
"You don't say," Haymitch quips back.
"Katniss has her gold mockingjay pin, I have my hair. I'm going to get you two boys something gold." Effie states as if it was the most brilliant thing she's ever said. Even Peeta doesn't seem to be able to muster up any bit of indulging for her.
Haymitch is actually the one to humor her. "Why is that?"
"A token! Show them we are a team…And they can't just…" She starts to get choked up and I understand why she is doing this. And why she acted the way she did at the reaping a few hours ago. She actually truly cares for us. Maybe she isn't as superficial as I always assumed. "Thank you." I take her hand comfortingly.
Later that evening I find myself sitting up in bed at an unusual hour for me. And not from a nightmare, I haven't even gotten to sleep yet. My anxiety is through the roof but it is more then that. I realize its Peeta. While I haven't sleep with him at all in months, besides that one time, back in 12; the bed on this train doesn't feel right without him. I don't feel safe; and considering the circumstance we're now in, my nightmares have gotten so much worse. I can only assume that his have too. So why isn't he here?
I wrack my brain and try to fight the urge. But I can't. I find him in the living compartment watching old tapes of the games. He looks up when he sees me come in. "Couldn't sleep?"
Of course not, not without you. I want to say, but I don't.
Peeta holds out his arms for me to fall into them. I couldn't be more overjoyed. This is the first time since before Gale's lashings that Peeta has shown me any kind of affection. He got especially hard after the announcement of the Quell, going into drill sergeant mode. I'm half afraid he is going to order me to do sit-ups the minute I fall into his arms. So I cling tight, reveling in the feel of his lips against my neck. He obviously isn't kissing my neck, but just the soft damp feel of them against my skin feels amazing. I don't feel guilty at all like I used to. I said my goodbyes to Gale. It is freeing.
I move back to kiss Peeta. I miss being close to him. This is the first time we're kissing without the cameras. Although I can tell Peeta is slightly confused by the way his brows are knitted slightly towards each other, he kisses me back. My arms rest around his neck and I pull him closer. His chest feels warm and comforting and I just revel in it. The kiss is sweet and it feels almost like a hug. I feel so protected and safe. I don't want this compassion to end considering how much it has been lacking in my life.
The only thing that breaks us apart is a capitol attendant coming in to bring us some warm milk. I blush as we pull apart, but don't move out of Peeta's arms. Instead I settle into them.
We start to discuss the games and our opponents. We agree that the capitol is going to be angry that their favorites are back in the games. I note that Peeta has been watching the games of victors that we might face.
"So which ones next?" I ask.
Peeta smiles playfully, "your choice."
I go through the box and land on Haymitch's, the 50th Quarter Quell. "We've never watched this. I think we should. We don't have to tell Haymitch. But it's the only Quell tape we have and I think it would be good to see one."
Peeta agrees so we pop the tape in. I notice my mother and Madge's mother and Aunt at the reaping. Her aunt gets chosen along with Haymitch. We watch tributes go down in large groups until Haymitch is left to face the girl from District 1, who is definitely an equal match for him both in size and speed. They both develop what should be fatal injuries as they stumble towards a cliff. We had seen Haymitch figure out earlier that the force field at the bottom of the cliff flew objects back up at you. So when the girl throws her axe at Haymitch he ducks; and it bounces right back into her face. Haymitch's stunt with the force field is almost as bad as the berries. The capitol definitely hadn't expected that. Maybe our two minds put together can save Peeta.
Peeta and I go to bed after that, both a bit shocked and impressed at what we have just seen from Haymitch. As always Peeta goes to sleep right away. But the minute I close my eyes I am battling nightmares until I shoot right back into consciousness. Peeta feels me stir and wakes up to pull me in. When I've calmed down I turn to him seriously, "Why don't you have any nightmares."
"I do." He responds.
"Well, you should wake me up next time." I say, looking into his eyes. He gives me a small smile and agrees before pulling us both back down into sleep.
By the time we awake we are in the capitol. Effie doesn't even lecture us on appearances or how inappropriate our sleeping predicament is. Something has changed in her. She is very sympathetic behind the smile and the cheery voice she has to put on in public. She almost becomes like a second mentor, letting us know all the ways the capitol has been preparing for the Quell and how we should socialize with the other tributes.
Haymitch also has a lot to say about the other victors. He wants us to make alliances. Peeta is ready and diligently taking notes. He's different then last year. This year he's taking charge. But I still won't agree to allies. I only trust Peeta. I believe we can do this on our own. Anyone else will just get in our way and make us vulnerable. But Peeta insists so I give up. Anything to keep him alive, which Haymitch is heavily hinting that making alliances will do. So Peeta and I sit down with him to get debriefed on all the other tributes.
The next day is the chariot ride, probably my least favorite event of the pregame itinerary. I hate being paraded around like a painted monkey. "Katniss." I hear someone call my name and I turn around. "Finnick." Practically prancing towards me shirtless, tan, and smiling. For alliances sake, more like Peeta's; I try to engage in light conversation. But he has this gleam behind his eyes, especially as he asks to know my secrets. Almost as if he has one himself. It makes me terribly uneasy, especially when he gets so close to me. He insinuates that he knows Peeta and I's relationship is a ruse. Is it possible he's working with Snow?
Thankfully Peeta saves me by walking over. While Peeta is obviously smaller then Finnick, he has this new air about him that is self-assured. Almost I would be afraid to mess with him. And Finnick obviously doesn't want to so he steps away.
But as threatening as Peeta's glare towards Finnick is, when he turns to me it is back to being sweet. "What did he want?" Peeta inquires.
"To know all my secrets." I laugh, remembering our conversation back on the train not so long ago.
Peeta catches on and laughs back. "He'll have to get in line." I give Peeta a genuine smile because I am struck with the thought that I wouldn't want to be here with anyone else. Peeta has become my rock and… my best friend in such a short time. I am lucky to have him. And I am going to protect him until I die. I am going to make sure he wins these games because Haymitch was right. I could live a thousand years a never deserve him. But he deserves to live a thousand years if he can. I want him to have that chance. He's too good not to.
"Do you think we would've ended up like Finnick if just one of us had one?" Peeta muses.
"You definitely would have. You have a weakness for beautiful things and I don't." I joke with him.
"Having an eye for beauty is not the same thing as being weak." Peeta states. "Except maybe when it comes to you." My hand finds Peeta's almost without thinking as the horses start pulling our chariot. Peeta and I follow Cinna's orders happily and look off into the distance. I set our costumes ablaze. As we pass President Snow I stare him down, not wavering for a second. I am calling him out. I want him to know that I have it out for him and he isn't going to get away with this. I won't let him have control of me after what he has done. Throwing Peeta back into the games crossed the line. And he knows. I can see it in his eyes.
I am so happy to step off that chariot and go back to wash off all the makeup that is caked onto my face. But of course Haymitch has other plans. He wants us to meet all his tribute friends, which apparently includes having my mouth assaulted by Chaff from 11. When we have made our rounds we step into the elevator, finally free. All these tributes are fucking crazy. And my point is only about to be made more clear as Johanna Mason steps onto the elevator after us.
"You guys look amazing." She starts off as she pulls pins out of her hair. She has the right idea. I can't wait to get out of this costume.
"Thank you." I try to be friendly but I am cut off.
"My stylist is such an idiot. District 7. Lumber. Trees." She punctuates everything by discarding all her jewelry onto the elevator ground. "I'd love to put my axe in her face." I give Haymitch a look. She certainly is violent.
"So what do you think? Now that the whole world wants to sleep with you?" She's ridiculous. As if that is even a thing I have time to think about, never mind entertain. And it is quite vulgar of her to say. I try to push my embarrassment down with sarcasm.
"Pssh. I don't think that the whole world…" I start but she cuts me off.
"I wasn't talking to you." She bites.
"Okay." I roll my eyes. Nut job.
She looks straight at Peeta then turns. "Will you unzip?"
"Yea." Peeta almost squeaks out. I fume. Is he serious? Are we not listening to the same crazy girl here? I give him a look and he just shrugs back at me.
He gives her a small smile when he finishes unzipping her dress. That is before he realizes she has turned around to face us and pulls her dress completely off. I watch his eyes drift down to her chest for a moment before looking away, his shocked expression still plastered on. He looks back at her as she steps out of her dress.
I, on the other hand, am horrified. I look straight up the whole time. I'm shamed for her and mortified at everything that has just transpired. I am so angry with Peeta and embarrassed. Isn't he ashamed to be blatantly looking at Johanna's… her… her parts!? When he's supposed to be keeping up our star-crossed lovers angle! Peeta looks like he is suppressing a grin as Johanna finally gets off the elevator. He burst out laughing once she's out of earshot. I rip my hand from his as we walk into our suite, annoyed.
"What?!" I raise my voice, I'm seething.
"It's you Katniss. Can't you see?"
I'm so angry that I'm considering changing my plans for the arena. "What's me?"
"Why they're all acting like this. Finnick, and Chaff kissing you, and Johanna stripping down. They're messing with you because you're so… so you know."
"No, I really don't know." I really have no idea what he is talking about. But I play it off by letting sarcasm drip through my voice.
"You're so pure." He finally lets it out.
I gape at him. "I am not! Would someone pure be practically ripping your clothes off every time there's a camera on us for the past year!"
Peeta sees that he has actually upset me and he tries to dial things back. "I mean for the capitol you're pure. You're perfect to me. Don't worry. They're just teasing you."
"No, they're laughing at me and so are you!" I storm off to my room. I ignore everyone for the rest of the night. I sit down on my bed. Peeta has always been unbetrayingly at my side. I thought we had become such a unit. More then that, we are the only ones who understand each other. If I'm honest with myself I have probably taken his loyalty for granted. Maybe he's attracted to Johanna? That is allowed, in private of course. And he is a teenage boy. He's bound to have those feelings. Why does he see me as pure? Is it because he isn't? That thought just makes me angry and unnerves me. I just need Peeta in my life. He keeps me grounded. I don't want to lose him to someone else, especially someone like her.
Before I can continue to try to figure out what's going, Peeta knocks. But I ignore him. I'm not ready to speak with him. He's hurt my feelings. So I just lay down and go to sleep.
