Chapter 7
[Helga]
Holy Shit, my body burns. I must have over slept; I rub the side of my temples and slowly open my eyes.
Everything is blurry at first but then everything becomes clearer and more focused in. The room is so bright and small; I can feel the walls slowly closing in and my breathing starts to quicken. I start to pull all the needles that are running through my arms, I start to freak out because I feel so disoriented and lost. The buzzing noises from the machines go haywire, as they start to ring inside my head getting louder and louder, nurses start to flow in the room as they tell me to stay calm.
"What's going on? Why am I here" I demand, my voice barely above a whisper.
"Loss of blood." A nurse firmly states as all the nurses start to needle me up again and the sound of my heart begins to settle to a subtle beep...beep...beep.
I fall against my pillow trying to make sense of the events that just took place, the last thing I remember was being in my closet and then after that I blacked out. What I don't understand is how the hell I got here!
Miriam was knocked out on the couch and Bob had left before I went to my room; I feel terrible, I probably look worse.
[Sid]
"Who does she love?" he repeats at my lack of response
"It doesn't matter." I finally say, before Arnold gets the chance to respond some Dr. comes in and calls our names
"Sid and Arnold, if you want you can see your friend now. She seems a bit disoriented but she's stable now." We both get up at the same time.
"Arnold you stay here."
"Why?" He says stubbornly
"Arnold have you not been listening to me when we were on the bus? She doesn't know that you know; just let me talk to her first."
"Fine." He finally manages to say
I walk towards Helga's room, as the smell of the hospital fills my nostrils. I have never been in a Hospital but it smells abnormal, the walls and floors are too bright blinding my eyes, I finally turn the corner as I stand in front of the door.
I don't bother to knock I just walk in.
"Helga" I say, fearing for her reaction
She turns around in shock, obviously not expecting me
"Sid, I'm so happy you're here." Her voice cracks but manages a small smile
"Why didn't you call me?" I sit on the small couch next to the bed
"I didn't want you to worry, I just needed..." I cut her off before she finishes what she was going to say
"You needed that relief." I state "I know, promise me now, that you will never cut again."
"I'm sorry Sid, I know I should have called you. I was just so sick and tired and I was feed up with Bob's crap."
"I know you are but you have to promise me Helga. I was so scared when I found you lying on the ground barely breathing. For a second I thought…well it doesn't matter now, just promise me ok."
"Sid you found me?" she stutters
"Yeah, Arnold called me because he overheard you and Bob fighting. He was worried about you so he called me, that's when I ran to your house. The door was open; I was calling for your name but no answer. That's when I knew that you were in way to deep, I found you in your closet covered in blood."
"Does Arnold know?" she says with tears in her eyes not wanting to know the truth.
"Yes." I whisper, not wanting to tell her the truth.
"No, no, no, stop lying. Please tell me your joking Sid. I can't have him know what I do, he probably hates me now." She cries into her hand, burying her face deeper and deeper until you only hear her stifle crying.
"He doesn't know everything, you need to talk to him, and for the record he was really worried about you. He's in the waiting room, I think you should talk to him, but if you don't want to, I can tell him to come back tomorrow."
"Sid, of course he doesn't know everything. He's so dense I want to slap that football head of his, his denseness pisses me off sometimes… and yet my heart still aches for him." You can feel her pain and sorrow in her soul, her despair at knowing Arnold might not love her the way she wants to be loved. "Why do I have to love him so much?" More silent tears roll down her face, clearly understanding her agony. As it is the same pain I feel when I see her every day.
"Because we can't pick who we fall in love with, we just do. It's painful but it's also beautiful, it's the closest thing we have to magic; we might not live in fairy tales that's why we need to treasure those moment that feel like them."
"And you say you're not a poet." She smirks at my remark
"And you say you're not nice." I responded back
"Touché."
"Seriously though, do you want to see Arnold?"
She stays silent contemplating the idea of seeing Arnold.
"Yes or No?" I ask again
"I'll take the bull by the horns." She nods her approval
"Do you want me to send him in?"
"If he still wants to see me, then let it be."
"Let it be then." I reply clearly knowing her reference of the song Let it Be
I navigate through the long corridors and narrow hallways towards my destination, the waiting room, where Arnold is sitting most likely trying to comfort Miriam. I walk past doctors and nurses with the same empty expression plastered on their faces, working in hospitals I would assume you would want that shell to cover up all the sadness that they witness every day.
I slowly turn the corner leading straight to the small waiting room; where people are gathered around their families trying to comfort each other. I see Arnold's messy blond hair going all over the place not wanting to be tame; slowly I tap him on the shoulder.
He turns around, clearly taken by surprise.
"How is she doing?" He asks almost instantly
"She's doing alright, she was clearly disorientated. Overall she is very stable at this moment; and if you still want to see her you can go see her."
[Arnold]
"Yes, of course I still want to see her."
"Then go before she changes her mind." Sid remarks back
I take a deep breath as I slowly walk towards Helga's room; I try to come up with something to say, something that will comfort her. I didn't want to admit it but deep down I know Helga still loves me, unconsciously I have always known that but I always shoved it further and further in my mind.
I will admit Helga has changed in a lot of ways, I like that she shows the soft side of her that she always seemed to lock in a closet when we were younger. I now know why she was the way she ways, the lack of attention her parents have failed to show. She was the only person I never actually helped emotionally; I should have put the pieces together and helped her. I'm very confused as of where my emotions for Helga stand, but I genuinely want to be there for her.
It seemed that I was walking for hours but only minutes have passed, as I get closer and closer I begin to feel my throat closing and my breathing gets heavier and heavier. Before I knew it I'm standing in front her door with my fist held a few inches away from the door. I knock softly three times,
Knock… Knock… knock
No answer
I gently open the door and walk in, I see Helga staring at the loud talking machines that seem to fill the room with loud, ear sheering buzzing and beeping. I zone out all the noises except for one, I clearly hear her steady pulse through the machine.
Beep…Beep…Beep…
"Helga, how are you feeling?" I ask dumbly
Her long blond hair cascades over her face, covering half of her face. She turns around with puffy eyes and sends me a weak smile.
"You know same old same old."
"Do you mind if I sit?" I point to the empty chair that is next to her bed
"Sure, whatever floats your boat."
I sit down on the empty chair; for a long moment we stay silent until I break the moment "Helga can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Why do you do it?" I ask trying to figure out how to choose to words carefully
She looks at me with a fiery passion that stares directly into my soul, she takes a few deep breaths and looks away.
"I do it because I hate my…" She pauses for a minute trying to figure out her next words. "Listen I don't need to tell you my pity problems football head, I can take care of my own problems."
"Helga, why do you always do that? I'm trying to help you, you don't need to get angry." I said firmly
She looks shocked by my outburst
"The reason I'm mad and angry all the time is because I have always had to take care of myself, my parents are never there for me. I had to grow up fast, instead of my mom taking care of me, I take care of her. My dad, ugh, don't even get me started; his pride and joy is Olga, sweet and perfect older child. Everything I do is never good enough; I'm pretty much worthless to him. I might as well be gone and it wouldn't matter. So I'm sorry Arnold if I'm angry and bitter all the time, I don't bully because that was my escape but now this," She uncovers her arms from the blanket to show me the scars that run all over her arms. "this is my escape, it takes all my emotional pain that builds up in me and turns it into physical pain for a short time. I would rather feel pain in my body than my heart, to me it's a small price to pay just to get a few minutes of peace." She quickly wipes her tears that managed to escape her eyes with the back of her palm.
I knew her dad was hard on her, and her mom was an alcoholic but I never knew how miserable she felt. This explains so much, if only I knew this when we were younger things would have probably been better for her.
"Helga, I'm so sorry, I never knew how much you hated your home life." That was all I managed to say
"Don't be, I lived in hell for 17 years I can manage 2 more years until I have the money to move out far away."
"Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Arnold I know it's in your nature to patch people up and fix them, but I'm so broken up and torn apart that I'm lost beyond repair."
I stay silent for a moment not knowing how to answer to that, with enough courage I find my voice and manage to speak "I don't care I still want to be there for you." I say trying to convince her
"Football head as much as I want you to help me, I don't know if you would do more harm than good." Puzzled by her remark I'm confused on what to say
"I don't think I know what you mean?"
"Never mind, it doesn't matter anyway. I'm tired; we can talk more tomorrow. If you want, you don't have to."
"Ok, I'll be here tomorrow after school. When are they going to send you home?"
"I don't know, maybe tomorrow night. If I leave earlier I'll tell Sid to tell you."
"Why don't you just text me?"
"We can do that." She replies
I wave as a sign of good-bye and slowly close the door.
