Aaaaand we're back. Whoop dee doo. I'm feeling pumped up and loaded with adrenaline, so let's do this! As you can imagine, Helios and the gang are in a little bit of a tight spot right now. Involving lots and lots of Void burrowers. They're gonna have a helluva time, aren't they? This chapter will also introduce three more champions, ones you're plenty familiar with. This chapter will also have Hobbit references. A whole buttload of 'em. Say it with me now: LET'S DO THIS THING!


I knew just what to say as we toppled downwards:

"BAH GAWDS!"

Not exactly the most logical thing to say, but it summed up the ambush pretty well. It's not like a witty comment would've helped or anything.

We roughly hit the sloped surface of a tunnel, slipping and spinning on the world's most uncomfortable waterslide. Not only was it completely devoid of water, but it wasn't even smooth. It was almost like sliding across sandpaper without a shirt on. In other words, it hurt. A lot.

Taliyah was the first one to recover, slate beginning to gather underneath her. It slowly pushed her up until she was standing, rock-surfing along the tunnel.

"Grab on!" She said, holding out her hand to me as I tumbled along beside her. I managed to firmly grip her hand, pulling myself onto the little platform she'd created. Rock swirled around my legs to root me in place, Taliyah repeating the process with Sivir and Rammus.

It was kind of like being on one of those fancy Piltovan roller-coasters. Fast, thrilling and extremely nauseating. My stomach felt like it was going to rocket out of my throat. Which would be unfortunate, considering I needed that for eating. I liked eating.

"Where are we going?!" Sivir shouted over the wind whipping past us.

"I don't know!" Taliyah replied. "All I can do is follow this tunnel!"

"Ok."

"Really? You don't say, Rammus!" I retorted. "I never would've guessed!"

We went upside down, side to side, while our insides went inside out. I was gonna hurl at any moment.

Luckily, salvation came in the form of a sudden end in the tunnel. Well, I wouldn't call it salvation, but it spared my innards the agony.

"MOTHER OF - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Me and Sivir simultaneously screamed as we plummeted. Taliyah just stuck to wordlessly screaming as her stone platform dissolved, while Rammus elected to flail his arms and take it in stride.

We landed with a sickening squelch. No, one of us didn't spew our guts out onto the rocky floor below. It was what we landed in that made that sound.

At first, I thought it was some sort of gelatinous slime, like dragon snot or something (and for the record, that's exactly what it's like). I didn't know what a dragon was doing depositing their nostril sewage in a cavern, but I knew I definitely needed to find a bath as soon as possible.

Then the smell hit me. Gods, it was awful. You think Tryndamere's armpits smell bad (and don't act like you have no idea what I'm talking about, because you totally do, considering you're most likely a new summoner or something)? This was ten times worse. My nostrils felt like they'd been submerged in acid.

"Oh my gods, the smell." Sivir moaned. "What the hell is that?"

I looked down, and my eye shot to its largest possible width.

"OH MY GODS, WE LANDED IN A CORPSE!"

Everyone immediately threw themselves forward, trying to get as far away from the fly-infested whatever-it-was as possible. "Everybody out, everybody out, everybody out!" I shouted as I made my way off first.

"Oh, gods! Ew, ew, EW!" Taliyah shrieked as she joined me, wiping bits of...you really don't wanna know...of her clothes, with everyone else doing the same.

"Why?" I lamented. "Just...why?"

"Helios, it's in your hair!" She pointed at my head.

"What?! Get it off, get it off, get it off!" I swiped frantically at my hair, but the bits and pieces just wouldn't budge. Just then, a lightbulb went off in my head. I clenched my eyes shut, letting thoughts of Selene fill my head. All the arguments, the insults, the repeated jabs and jibes, all of it. It was enough to set me off.

My hair blazed, melting away the bits of again-you-really-don't-wanna-know. I silently congratulated myself for the little spark of ingenuity.

"Oh, the smell's worse now!" Sivir gagged, covering her mouth and dropping to her knees. My eye watered as I discovered first-hand that burnt corpse smelled even worse than the original. "Helios, I had better live through this to get that gold, or I'm taking you to Hell with me!"

We took a few minutes to recover, as our nostrils almost adjusted to the smell. Almost. I wasn't even sure what it was that we dropped into. It had rotted and decayed to the point where it was pretty much another URC. It was big, too. Big enough to catch all of us, while in all honesty I would've preferred solid rock. I was going to have to talk to Azir about the décor in this place. I found it distasteful.

Now that I could get my attention off the corpse, I took a moment to observe our surroundings, my right eye darting in all directions. We were in a large, open cavern (duh), on the end of a strip of rock that looked like a makeshift bridge. The other end went towards another dark tunnel. Yippee. We were pretty high up, from what I could see. The walls just dipped down until it was pitch-black beneath us. Great. We were so high up that I couldn't see the ground. Not a very comforting thought.

"So, since it looks like we've got nowhere else to go, wanna try the tunnel?" I suggested, gesturing towards it. "If we get lost, Taliyah can always just make a tunnel going upwards."

"Alright." Rammus said, Taliyah nodding in agreement, while Sivir just shrugged.

"Then away we go!" I said, before stopping abruptly. "Oh, almost forgot!" I walked back over to the corpse, removing my spear from the skin (I'd lost my grip on it when we fell). I wrinkled my nose and narrowed my eye in response to the smell, but I was able to manage it. "Alright, I'm good. Shall we?"

Taliyah and Rammus stepped toward the tunnel, but Sivir remained rooted in place. "Something wrong?" I asked. She looked like she was thinking hard about something, and didn't like the answer she was coming to.

She pointed towards the corpse. "How exactly did this thing die?"

I shrugged. "It probably got lost, came through the tunnel and died of starvation. Why do you ask?"

Sivir shook her head. "That doesn't make any sense. Why would it die of hunger out here if it got lost? If it did, wouldn't it be in the tunnels, looking for another way out."

I hummed in response, putting a hand to my chin in thought. "Fair point. Maybe it was on the brink and crawled here to die?"

"And why would it put that much effort to get into the open if it was just going to die?" Sivir drily replied.

I shrugged again, my eye looking away sheepishly. "I dunno, maybe it was claustrophobic?"

She and Taliyah deadpanned.

"What? It was just a guess."

Sivir cleared her throat. "My point is, it doesn't look like hunger killed it. Look at the way its skin's been torn. It looks like something ripped it open."

I gulped, beginning to get her meaning. "Let me guess, we're not the only ones down here, are we?"

Sivir swept her gaze across the cavern, a hand slowly moving to her shuriken. "No. We're not."

Taliyah began to accumulate sediment around her, while I drew my spear, my knees slightly bent in anticipation.

Rammus, being Rammus, just stood there with his signature poker-face. I guess it's not like he had a battle pose or anything. He just hit stuff with his shell. What was he gonna do, click his claws together like a crab?

We all heard the noise at the same time, tensing. It was a soft, rapid clattering, almost like if you could hear a centipede walk. It was getting louder by the second, coming from all sides, even from the darkness below. It got to the point where it was almost right on top of us.

I sighed. "Aaaaaaaand cue the monsters."

As per usual, I had a fantabulous sense of timing.

Hundreds of Xer'Sai exploded from the tunnel, swarming straight towards us in a crazed frenzy. "Aw, hell." I muttered. Taliyah reacted first, spreading her arms in front of her. Stalagmites burst out of the ground, impaling several Xer'Sai and joining together to form a makeshift wall. It was high enough (and sharp enough) that they had difficulty climbing over, but at a low enough angle that we could fight back. Sivir tossed out her shuriken, slicing through several Xer'Sai before returning to her hand. Taliyah threw blasts of shrapnel, occasionally pausing to summon boulders out of thin air. My spear jabbed everywhere my eye pointed, each one taking a Xer'Sai with it. And Rammus? He took advantage of our wall's low angle, using it like a ramp. He shot over the edge, bowling over at least a dozen of them. But no matter how many we killed, more just kept coming. We'd be overwhelmed in minutes.

Turns out, it was a lot sooner than that.

Shadows fell above me, and I looked up to see twenty Xer'Sai crawling up behind us. "Cheeky little bastards." I said, before they enveloped us.


Getting dog-piled by Xer'Sai isn't a pleasant experience. Their legs are jamming themselves onto every spot of your body, and their breath smells terrible. Better than the corpse, at least. Silver lining, y'know?

We were being dragged through the tunnel, our limbs clamped in their jaws. Great. Now I had Xer'Sai spit on my gi. I'd have to ask if they had a washing machine I could use. Unlikely, but it never hurts to ask.

I couldn't see a thing in the darkness, although that didn't stop me from hearing the ever-so-colorful array of words Sivir spat at our captors. I was kinda proud of her, to be honest.

It's weird having emotions that should belong to an older person when you're at my age. Now that I think about it, that's probably why I entered Runeterra looking like I was twenty-three. That's my exact age, by solar standards.

My eye squinted as it caught a flash of light up ahead. The tunnel was coming to an end, and I was already making a guess as to what was on the other side.

Sure enough, the tunnel opened into an even bigger cavern than the one we were in, on another stone walkway. The walls around us were crawling with Xer'Sai, a few snapping their fangs at us from pillars of rock below.

Taliyah, being the total teenage rock-nerd that she was, chose that moment to gawk at the surrounding cliffs. "The stone in here is amazing!" She exclaimed, starry-eyed (As a former star, I can officially say that that phrase is an acceptable description).

"SHUT UP, TALIYAH!" Sivir barked. "NOT NOW!"

While Taliyah grumbled her protest, I had my eye on where we were being led. It was a big hole in the side of the cliff, on the walkway's other end. It was (surprise, surprise) too dark for me to see what was in it, but I didn't need to. I already knew.

The Xer'Sai threw us down in front of it, leaving us to pick ourselves up with a groan. Rude. They couldn't have been a little gentler? If they were going to eat us, they at least should've been courteous while doing so. I would've felt a tad bit better knowing they respected me to some extent while they tore the flesh off my bones.

The Xer'Sai suddenly fell silent, the noise shrinking to an audible hiss. They all stared (at least, I think they were. I couldn't see their eyes) at the hole, waiting.

I rolled my eye. "If you're going to kill us, then get on with it! I'm getting bored!"

The thing in the hole obliged, a razor-sharp claw reaching out to grip the edge. Oh, the old evil-mastermind-dramatic-entrance thing. How nice. And cliché.

Another claw came out, followed by the head, fangs gleaming. It let out a guttural snarl as it pulled itself out fully, exposing the serpentine body with spindly, pointed legs.

"Rek'Sai." I said. "Fancy meeting you here in this neck of the woods."

"Uh, don't you mean 'desert?'" Taliyah asked. Sivir rolled her eyes.

"It was a figure of speech, Taliyah." She groaned. "Honestly, I shouldn't've doubted you were dumb as a bag of-"

Rek'Sai hissed, and Sivir instantly trailed off. She was giving her (surprise, surprise, Rek'Sai's a her) the stink-eye, though. I had to give her credit, not many people could pull that off. For one thing, Rek'Sai didn't have any eyes. I think.

"Uh, us, why do you ask?" I said to Rek'Sai, my eyebrow raised.

"Huh?" Sivir looked at me confusedly.

"She just asked us 'who would be so bold as to come armed into my kingdom?'" I informed. "She's not very happy."

"You can understand that thing?" Sivir asked, dumbfounded.

I shrugged to the best of my ability against the Xer'Sai gripping my arms. "I used to watch Malhazar talk with Kog'Maw and the other Void champions when they weren't at the Institute. It took me a while, but I managed to pick up the language. They've got some really hard irregular-"

Rek'Sai snarled, cutting me off. She made a few snorts, clicks and growls, none of which I liked.

"So, if you're such an expert, what'd "she" say now?" Sivir asked.

"Um, nothing good. She said 'I care not for the laws of the Institute of War. Whoever comes to my domain shall suffer the consequences. All of you are to be imprisoned, ripened, then eaten when the sun (a.k.a me) next rises."

"Like hell I'm gonna be an appetizer for some filthy little feet-maggot!" Sivir barked, furiously straining against the Xer'Sai holding her captive. "I'll kill all of you!"

Rek'Sai let out a few snorts, and I got the impression that she was laughing. She let off another round of clicks and growls, and this time my face paled. She'd directed the last bit to me.

"You don't look so good, Helios." Taliyah noted. "What did she say this time?"

"U-Ummm..." I stuttered. "Apparently I'm gonna be the main course. She still remembers the Xer'Sai I killed yesterday, and feels like a little payback's in order."

"You did what?!" Sivir roared, struggling even more.

I sweat-dropped. "Eh-heh, yyyyyeeeaaaah. Did I not mention that? Whoops."

"Oh, so this is your fault?! When I get outta here, I'm gonna-"

She didn't get to finish her sentence, as a quick bite from a Xer'Sai suddenly caused her head to droop. She'd been poisoned. Xer'Sai were different from their queen because their fangs were coated in toxins that could knock anyone out within seconds. Rek'Sai ditched that ability in favor of a stronger form, but she was still by all accounts lethal as shit. Taliyah and Rammus suffered the same fate, before I felt a sharp pressure on my neck.

I'd been wondering when I was going to black out next. Scratch that one off the bucket list.


I woke up with a splitting headache, groaning as it hit me. As my vision cleared, I realized I was upside down. That certainly explained the headache. I also found out that I was coated in hardened Xer'Sai spit, unable to move. You want to know what that looks like? When it finally hardens, it's a dirty black, and incredibly thick. Xer'Sai could do a lot of things Rek'Sai couldn't, but she was far stronger and faster than her minions. Smarter, too. I think she was actually only slightly smarter than a bag of rocks. New record.

I was stuck in a smaller cave, with only one tunnel leading out. I couldn't see it, but from the angle of the lighting behind me I could make an assumption.

"Well." Rational-Me said. "You've clearly been busy while I was gone." (Author's Note: " is used for Rational-Helios.)

I mentally snorted. You have no idea. I replied. And where have you been, by the way? I haven't heard from you in a while.

"Aren't you glad about that?"

Well, admittedly yes, but you could've at least told me where you went.

"I didn't really go anywhere. I just kinda lingered at the back of your mind while you got down to business. I guess that I'll only be talking to you when you actually need to. You know, whenever you're in a situation that would traumatize a regular person."

Okay, so does that mean this is only temporary? Can I expect you to evict at some point?

"I'll probably stop conversing with you when you get used to this kind of thing. When you get to the point where you can #$%^&-slap a bear without even blinking, then you won't have to hear me talk anymore."

Did you seriously just use a sensor beep?

"I partially represent your parental obligations, remember? And speaking of which, shouldn't you be checking on your granddaughter before heading to Mount Targon? That's what I'd do. We're supposed to be responsible, after all."

She can handle herself just fine. Besides, I want to see my entourage fanboy and fangirl over me. And from what I've been able to gather, Pantheon makes hella-good pancakes.

"I suppose you make a convincing argument. Oh, and by the way, Sivir, Taliyah and Rammus are in another room. You two are the main dish, so they're gonna let you ripen a bit more."

Well, isn't that nice of them. They can be such- I stalled my train of thought at the station. Hold on, two?

"You aren't alone in here." Rational-Me informed. "I don't know how, but I can see behind you. And it seems like if you two work together, you might just get out of this alive."

Alright then, who is it?

"I'll leave you now to ask for yourself. She still thinks you're unconscious." I don't know how to describe it, but I felt Rational-Me leave me alone. You know that feeling you get when someone's staring at you even though you can't see it? It was basically the exact opposite of that. I just got the impression that he (I?) left. Well, I supposed it was time to find out who was lucky enough to share a cave with me.

"Hello?" I called out. "Is someone else there?"

"Ah, you're awake." A ridiculously smooth voice replied. "I've been stuck down here for nearly three days, and I've been dying for a bit of conversation. Care to provide some?" Her voice was almost like silk, but I knew that it hid the venom underneath. Which was appropriate, considering she was part snake. I'd recognize that silver tongue anywhere.

"I'll be damned." I said. "Cassiopeia Du Couteau, the Serpent's Embrace. Enchanté."

"Well, I'm glad to see someone around here with proper manners." Cassiopeia replied approvingly. "Well, not necessarily see, I'm afraid. When they brought you down here I took the opportunity to utilize my unique talents. They covered my eyes with their disgusting saliva afterwards."

"Wasn't very nice of them."

"I couldn't agree more." She replied. "And to whom to I owe the pleasure of speaking with?"

"The name's Helios. I'm the sun."

"Really?" She asked, intrigued. "I can't help but be a little intrigued (knew it) by your statement. Care to elaborate a little more?"

I basically gave her the short version of my story, which took about five minutes. "Okay, that's pretty much it for me." I said. "Now you have to answer a question of my own."

"By all means, ask away."

"What exactly are you doing down here? I didn't think Xer'Sai could get the drop on you, of all people."

"I was on another scouting mission for Noxus." Cassiopeia explained. "Looking for suitable territory to conquer for our nation. It was going rather swimmingly, until I was attacked by Rek'Sai. I took down quite a few of her servants before she finally managed to subdue me. And long story short, here I am."

"Can I ask you another question?" I asked. "This one's a little more personal."

"I'm listening."

"Uh...what exactly is it like to have a tail? You know, instead of legs."

Cassiopeia clicked her tongue thoughtfully. "It's an odd sensation, to be sure. Imagine your legs fuse together, then develop a heightened sense of touch, before the skin of your stomach stretches to cover the new appendage."

"So, what, you're basically laying on your stomach half the time?" I asked.

"In short, yes." She replied.

I grunted, bemused. "Welp, alright. Time to get out of here."

"Oh? And how exactly do you propose on doing that?" She asked.

"Like this." The hardened spit began to glow orange at my sides, steadily getting brighter. Finally, the material smashed apart as my arms spread out, surrounded by flame. I began to extract myself from the saliva, melting it away wherever I touched it. I was really getting the hang of my abilities.

I gracefully dropped to the floor, picking up my spear (which, conveniently, had been placed off to the side, idiot Xer'Sai). Now that I was free, I turned around to get a look at Cassiopeia. She'd been coated in even more spit than I had, with only her mouth and nose visible from her upside-down position.

"Alright, I'm gonna burn you out of there." I announced. "It should only take a few minutes."

"Try not to burn me, Helios." She forewarned. "I wouldn't be very pleased with you if that happened."

"Yeah, yeah." I said dismissively. "Just try not to flinch as I get you out."

My hands began to smolder, and I wiped them across the surface of the saliva, slowly peeling it away. Scales began to shine through, more and more skin showing as I progressed.

After a few more minutes, I managed to get Cassiopeia's arms and tail free. It coiled to the ground below her, acting as a pillow as she fell. She ripped off the goop covering her eyes by herself, and her piercing green eyes took a moment to study me once she could see.

"My, my, Helios, I had no idea you were such a looker." She said appraisingly. "Although, the eye does diminish the look a bit."

"I know, it sucks. I got revenge on Kha'Zix's wings, though."

"Indeed." She gestured toward the tunnel. "Shall we go assist the others? I imagine they will require our aid."

"Eh, I don't know, Rammus has probably gotten himself out by now." I mused as we walked (well, Cassy slithered, but you get the point) up the tunnel. "It's really weird how he just shows up out of nowhere."

"I concur." She agreed, holding a claw up to her chin. "I always did wonder where he came from. I'm not sure if he's even an Ascended or not."

I stopped. My eye began to twitch. My lip quivered. I started trembling.

"Are you ill, Helios?" Cassiopeia asked.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I burst out in a fit of laughter, clutching my chest as I rolled around on the floor. My eye was watering, and I quickly ran out of breath.

"I must have poisoned you by mistake." She said. "Clearly you're becoming delirious."

"No, no, it's not like that." I managed to stand up, still wheezing. "It's just...I know exactly how Rammus started off, and it's just...oh my gods, I can't even."

"Do enlighten me." She replied drily. She was gonna love this.

"You see, Rammus has been an Ascended longer than Azir was Emperor of Shurima. He was a pretty decent ruler, but his grandpa, on the other hand..." A mischievous grin spread across my face. "He was a bit of a party animal. He could get pretty drunk on certain occasions, but the most memorable one by far was when he had a party near the Me-Disk. He got crazy drunk, and when an armadillo happened to walk by, he got the craziest idea."

Cassiopeia covered her mouth with one hand. "He didn't." She said, already beginning to crack up.

"He did. He took one look at the little guy, said 'hey, let's Ascend that armadillo' and a few minutes later, out came Rammus."

She mirrored my previous position afterwards, venom leaking out of her eyes instead of tears. Freaky, but also kinda cool.

"Is Sivir aware of this?" She asked after recovering. I shook my head with a grin.

"Nope. Azir made sure everyone was pretty tight-lipped about his grandpa's little 'mishap' once he became Emperor. I don't know why he'd do that, though. It would've been hilarious for the history books." I gestured back to the tunnel. "Now let's get going. We might need to pull of a dramatic and spectacular rescue."

"Sivir will most likely threaten to turn me into a handbag when we arrive." Cassiopeia noted.

I shrugged. "Well, at the very least, you'd make a very fashionable handbag." I offered.

"True enough." We exited the tunnel, only to find ourselves inside a maze of them, and face-to-not-really-face with a dozen Xer'Sai.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeey!" I said, pretending to look delighted. "What's up, guys? Don't mind us, we were just leaving."

"What exactly are you attempting, Helios?" Cassiopeia inquired.

"I don't know, just trying to make some conversation, I guess. But since that idea's clearly not gonna work..." I thrust out one hand, enveloping a Xer'Sai in flames. It screeched in pain as it fell, the others swarming over it in retaliation. The kid gloves were off now, that was for sure.

I sprang forward, thrusting out with my spear. Cassiopeia lashed out with clouds of poison, or sweeping with her tail. It didn't even take a minute to finish them off. "We'd better hurry." I said. "I don't fancy letting Rek'Sai eat my friends."

"Does Sivir count?"

"More or less, once I told her about Azir's vault."

"Child's play."

"Tell me about it." We ran through the maze (well, I did, but that's beside the point), picking off more Xer'Sai as we went. I even got to see Cassiopeia use her petrifying death-gaze or whatever she called it. I'd have to ask her if I could borrow a few statues for when I got myself a house. A few statues out in the backyard, a little décor, and it could be downright lovely. Of course, they'd be Xer'Sai statues, but what can you do?

We pushed out into the main cavern from before, and sure enough, there were my friends. They were gooped (I just invented a word. Boom. Deal with it.) to a long stone platform placed in front of Rek'Sai, kind of like a dinner table. Actually, that was exactly what it was. Sivir did not look happy. I think she would've bitten Rek'Sai's head off if she hadn't been restrained. Taliyah looked mortified, and Rammus was, well...you know, Rammus. They'd actually had the nerve to arrange him like a roast pig, flat on his stomach with only his face sticking out from his shell. What, were they gonna eat him like Fiora slurped out cooked snails? Gross. I don't understand how she can consider that "proper dining," I really don't. If that's what dignified people eat, then I'd rather be a savage like Olaf. At least they have decent meat in the Freljord.

"Who dares to interrupt my meal?" Rek'Sai hissed, spittle flicking out of her mouth. Yet another champion that required napkins. If I started a business that provided napkins, I'd make a fortune. I'd be crazy rich. Like, Demacia rich. Well, I guess I technically am now, but that's for later.

I raised my hand in response to Rek'Sai's question. "Me." I replied. "My friend and I just wanted to file a complaint for the room we were given. Room service was terrible, and our beds weren't very comfy, either. Tell me, is there a hotel website or something that we can put our opinion on? 'Cause I'm only giving this place one star out of five."

"NOT HELPING, HELIOS!" Sivir screamed.

"Yep." Rammus agreed.

"Oh, hey guys!" I waved. "Fancy meeting you here! Are you here to file a complaint too? You'll have to wait for Cassy to finish, though."

"Cassy?" Cassiopeia echoed.

I shot her a deadpan. "You expect me to use your full name when it's long as hell?"

"Helios, please." Taliyah pleaded. "Make your sarcastic comments later. We're about to die, after all."

"Alright, alright, fine." I grumbled. "Cassy, would you do the honors?"

"That's 'Cassiopeia' to you." She replied, but still obliged. Rek'Sai saw what was coming, and immediately shielded her...eyes, I think...with one claw.

The effect was almost instantaneous. Cassiopeia's eyes began to glow, and a sickly green pulse of light flashed out. The Xer'Sai weren't as lucky as Reksy was, unfortunately. Nah, who am I kidding, it was the best thing ever! For me, at least. Their bodies started to lose color, almost like Vladimir was draining them dry. I'm not sure if he qualifies as a vampire at this point, but it's close enough in my opinion. Anyways, the Xer'Sai began to harden, their skin turning to stone. By the time Cassiopeia was finished, it was like the world's most disturbing art gallery. At least they didn't have any extremities to flash, am I right?

I pried off the goop covering the others while Reksy (I am so calling her that now) was distracted, tearing it off in chunks. Funnily enough, Sivir's shuriken had been placed near the table. Rule #1 when it comes to diabolically destroying your enemies: never leave their weapons where they can fetch them if they escape. I should write a book on that after I'm done with this. Or maybe not, considering Swain might read it...

"Oh, REKSY!" I called in a singsong voice, gripping my spear. "Guess who's gonna have a really bad day."

"It will be you, you fool." She snarled, before unleashing a shrill cry that echoed around the cavern. I didn't have to be a genius to know what that meant.

We were gonna have to get our hands dirty.

Xer'Sai swarmed out of every single tunnel in the cavern, scuttling towards us with a surprising amount of speed. "Get ready!" Sivir yelled as she readied her shuriken, taking a defensive position. All of us went back-to-back as we prepared for the onslaught.

"HERE THEY COME!" I yelled as the first wave hit us.


All things considered, we were doing pretty well.

Now that all of us had regrouped, and were expecting the attack this time, we handled it a lot better. Taliyah got creative with her abilities, fashioning stone armor around herself so that the Xer'Sai couldn't paralyze her again. Sivir and Cassiopeia were weaving through the horde, flinging metal and poison respectively, although I could hear the consistent banter between them over the screeching. I even caught a "handbag" jab from Sivir. Totally called it. I was pretty busy with my own crowd, Rational-Me giving advice as I sliced, jumped, ducked and rolled. I was having a bit of a "ninja" moment. If I had been a regular guy from the start, I totally would've fulfilled a childhood dream. Be honest: how many of you pretended you were ninjas when you were little?

And Rammus? Well, he was being Rammus. A silent, oblivious, poker-faced badass.

"There are too many of them!" Rational-Me said as I rammed my spear through another Xer'Sai's head.

You think?! I replied, ducking around a set of claws. Why the hell is my luck so awful half the time?!

"Beats me. On your right!" I jabbed the butt of my spear into a Xer'Sai's stomach, before slicing its throat open with the tip of my spear.

Any ideas? I asked. I could really use one right now!

"Uh...I got nothing. I'm honestly stumped. We won't hold out for much longer."

Well, think of something! I'm dying out here!

"Sorry. As far as I can tell, the only thing that could save us right now would be a sudden and dramatic rescue."

What about Cassy's eye-thing?!

"She's being overwhelmed. She has to make eye contact for it to work, and there are too many Xer'Sai for her to focus on. Dramatic rescue's pretty much the only option."

BOOM!

I was thrown off my feet as a sudden (and extremely dramatic) explosion rocked the entire cavern. A whole was blown open in the wall, but instead of flames, sand was pouring out. As I lifted my head, dazed, I made out a figure walking through the dust cloud. It held some sort of scepter, and had a face like a hawk.

"Take up arms." Azir said. "Fight...FIGHT!"

He didn't have to tell me twice. I snatched up my spear, enveloping the point in flames. I began to cut a line through the Xer'Sai to Azir, the others following close behind. Soldiers made of sand swirled into existence around him, before charging to meet the swarm.

"Hey, Azir!" I greeted as I made my way over. "What's up, chicken head?"

"Ah, Helios." He replied. "I had been wondering who was accompanying my granddaughter. I sensed her here through our bond, fearing the worst. Where is - ah, there she is. Sivir!"

"Grandfather!" She called, slicing through a few more Xer'Sai. "It's about time! What's this I hear about gold you've been hiding from me?!"

Azir turned to look at me with what I assumed was a mix of exasperation and sternness. "You informed her of my vault?"

I shrugged. "Hey, I was anxious for some company, and money was the only way I could get her to come along."

He sighed. "Fair enough." His attention turned to more Xer'Sai crawling along the wall behind us. "Ezreal! On the walls!"

"You got it!" Bolts of arcane energy flung them from the walls, sending them screeching into the darkness below. Sure enough, on a ledge above us was Ezreal, the Prodigal Explorer. He was probably on another one of his archaeological trips to Shurima. He liked to chat with Azir whenever he did. There was plenty for him to learn, after all.

"We need to leave. Now." I said, blasting another Xer'Sai to cinders with one hand outstretched. "We've got an escape route, and we're sitting ducks out here."

"Definitely." Ezreal agreed, dropping down to join us while picking off a few more Xer'Sai. "Damn, these things are ugly!"

"And don't even get me started on their breath." I replied as we sprinted towards the tunnel. I was humming a little tune to myself as we cut through the mob. It was the perfect situation for a little theme music.

Of course, as soon as we got close enough, Rek'Sai burst out from under us, blocking the way. I reacted out of instinct, leaping into the air and aiming with my spear towards her face. She batted me away like I was a fly, thrown back towards the group. Taliyah rushed to help me up, but stopped when she noticed me looking at my weapon with a dumbfounded expression.

"Did you just snap my spear?" I asked. The tip had been snapped off, leaving me with a bare shaft.

Rek'Sai failed to get the hint that she dun goofed.

I picked myself up with a groan. "Here. Hold this." I said to Ezreal, holding out my broken spear. He complied, tucking it under his elbow.

My hair blazed, and I sprinted directly toward Rek'Sai, my whole body coated with fire. I jumped out and kicked with both legs, sending Rek'Sai flying back with the force of a rocket. She rebounded off the cavern wall, before slumping to the ground, unconscious (she had a little foam coming out of her mouth, too. Anyone know somebody who can invest in my napkin company?).

"Well." I turned back to the others, wiping sweat of my hands. "Since we aren't allowed to kill Reksy, and there's a huge-ass hole in the wall, wanna get out of here?"


And that's a wrap for this chapter. I hope you liked it. My computer's slow as hell right now, so it's kind of hard to write this when my laptop's throwing a fit. Next chapter will have Ezreal nerding out, Rammus being Rammus, and for the love of God, Raven, YES, Helios is gonna fight Renekton. Until next time!

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