"ATTENTION BACHELOR NATION!" the television boomed. "This week's episode of THE BACHELORETTE is going to be the MOST. DRAMATIC. EPISODE. EVER! This is not a drill. We repeat. This is not a drill!"
"Oh my gods," Cedric groaned. "Staaaahhhhp it."
"That's right, Bachelor Nation, it's the episode that nearly ended Hermione's journey! Guaranteed to break the Internet, so you better be watching live, folks! THIS MONDAY AT 8!"
"Ohhh, now I'm listening!" said Cedric. "Hey, Cho! It's happening! It's finally happening!"
Cho poked her head in. "The Date from Hell?"
"It's gotta be," said Cedric.
"Oh shit," said Cho.
Halfway through filming Hermione's season, production had stopped indefinitely due to the return of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had appeared during a date on The Bachelorette, the Prophet said. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did this because, of course, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, was a contestant on the show. There were many theories floating around online as to how this had happened. The most popular theory asserted that Draco Malfoy, son of the prominent Death Eaters, had aided him.
Hermione had to go to extensive therapy during the hiatus in filming. She didn't tell Cho and Luna much else except that the headlines were true, and she referred to that date as The Date from Hell. The Order of the Phoenix had sued the MBBC for reparations to the contestants, especially Harry Potter. Harry had dismissed the charges.
"So they're really gonna air it," said Cedric.
"Not all of it, she said," said Cho. "She said the episode would just abruptly end, and then Gilderoy would be making a statement."
"Right, makes sense," said Cedric. "I hear they have footage of him, though."
Cho shuddered.
***MONDAY AT 8***
Instead of opening with a Hermione spot, or a spot of the guys in the house, Rita Skeeter opened the episode.
"Hello viewers. As I'm sure you are aware, an incident occurred on our set involving the alleged return of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. After negotiations with the Ministry and the Order of the Phoenix, we have decided to air the events of the week leading up to the incident so as to dispel all false rumors about our contestants. Of course, we of the MBBC take the safety of our contestants very seriously. After Ministry investigations, it was determined that the Imperius Curse was to blame for the security oversights. The Ministry and the target of the attack, Harry Potter, have cleared the MBBC of all blame on the grounds that reasonable security measures were futile against such dark magic. Following this episode, we hope you will join us for a panel with Hermione Granger and the contestants involved to hear their side of the story. While we will not be airing any of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's attack, but please be advised that the man claiming to be He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named does appear on screen. Viewer discretion is advised."
The bachelors stepped out of the Floo into their new digs in a new location. Gilderoy Lockhart greeted them, for the first time forgoing his white suit in favor of a white traditional Chinese men's robe. "Ni hao, bachelors!" Gilderoy exclaimed.
"Ni hao," said Justin. "Are we in...?"
"Welcome to Shanghai, China!" Gilderoy said with a bow. The men looked about the mansion which was decked out in traditional Chinese flair.
RON CAM: "Blimey! China! I never thought I'd be here!"
"We're a little over halfway through this journey, bachelors," said Gilderoy. "Congratulations on making it this far! You're here because Hermione sees a potential future with you. What kind of future with some of you, god only knows...erm, anyways, there will be a whopping four dates this week! Two one-on-one dates, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one date! If you're on the two-on-one date, and you don't receive the rose, then you will be going home immediately. There will be roses up for grabs on the other dates as well. Good luck, gentlemen, and here is your first date card!"
He handed the card to Oliver, who was nearest, and then Gilderoy apparated away. Oliver opened the card. "Lee," he said, "To the moon and back. Hermione."
Lee screamed like a girl.
LEE CAM: "I'm so excited! I'm in China, I've finally got a one-on-one, and I'm NOT ON THE TWO-ON-ONE! Wooohooo!"
HERMIONE CAM: "Lee is just too much fun. I've honestly almost let him go a couple of times, but I just can't. I enjoy his company too much. I do hope that on this date today I can dig beneath the surface and get to his serious side. But, I know I'm going to have a great time either way."
Hermione picked up Lee and invited him into her cottage nearby to use the Floo.
"We aren't leaving China, I hope," Lee said.
"No," said Hermione. "I have no plans of leaving the host country this week."
"Good," said Lee. "Everyone is stoked to be here. A lot of us have traveled around Europe, but China is something else entirely."
"Yeah, that's what I was thinking when I picked it," said Hermione. "Also, this date today is something I've been wanting to do for a long time."
"Oh yeah?" asked Lee. "What is it? Where are we going?"
"Step into the Floo, and you'll see," Hermione teased.
"Alright," said Lee, "but first, if I may..." Lee put his arms around her and kissed her.
HERMIONE CAM: "Full disclosure. Lee is one of the best kissers here. Probably another reason I can't seriously imagine letting him go."
After the snogging, they stepped into the Floo. They emerged in a small wizard cafe. "Alright!" Lee said. "Authentic Chinese food! I'm down!"
"Haha," said Hermione. "This isn't the main event, but it is a perk. Join me for lunch?"
"Of course, milady," said Lee, taking her arm. A short lady directed them to a table for two where some rice and dumplings were already set out for them. They thanked her and began to eat.
"So, what do you think?" Hermione asked.
"I think I prefer the fake stuff you get in Britain, honestly," said Lee. "And I'm mildly disappointed with this cafe."
"Why's that?" asked Hermione.
"I dunno. I guess when I think of Asian wizardry, I think of people flying through the air and shooting lasers out of their wands and carrying little yellow electric mouse things."
Hermione nearly choked on a dumpling. "Ummm...WHAT?!"
"I'm sorry, is anime not documentaries? I could have sworn they were documentaries," said Lee.
"Oh gods," she said. "First of all, anime is from Japan. We're in China. Second, please tell me you're joking."
"Of course I'm joking," said Lee. "Not about loving anime though."
"Alright," said Hermione. "I must say I'm unfamiliar."
"You knew enough to know it was from Japan though," said Lee with a wink.
"I was a muggle in the 90s. I knew about Pokemon," said Hermione.
"Alright!" said Lee. "So, are you gonna tell me what we're doing today or what?"
"Okay," said Hermione. "We're going into space."
"Okay, now who's joking?" said Lee.
"I'm not!" said Hermione. "There's a witch in this village who makes these bubbles that can safely carry you up above the clouds. Not space, exactly, but you're supposed to be able to see the curvature of the Earth."
"Woah, are you serious?" asked Lee. "That's wicked."
"Yeah!" said Hermione. "I could hardly believe it myself, but I asked Rita, and she said it wasn't a problem."
"So this was a custom-ordered date," said Lee.
"Yeah, it was," said Hermione. "Not all of them are. But this one was."
"So, if you don't mind me asking, why'd you pick me?" asked Lee.
"Oh, do you have a complaint?" Hermione teased.
"Of course not!" Lee said. "I'm just curious."
"Alright, Lee Jordan. Full disclosure, I have been unsure if I can have a serious relationship with you. But something inside me says I need to keep you around. I never have a bad time with you. You don't do drama. You're always happy, and that makes me happy," said Hermione.
"Interesting," said Lee. "What makes you think you can't get serious with me?"
"Well, because you're so rarely serious," said Hermione.
"Oh, alright," said Lee. "Interesting. I'll have to work on that then."
LEE CAM: "I'm not sure what I was expecting by asking that question, but that wasn't it. I dunno. Not serious enough? Hmmm..."
"Well, I don't want you to change!" Hermione clarified. "I guess my goal today is dig deeper into what makes Lee Jordan, Lee Jordan."
"Alright," said Lee. "I'm an open book, Hermione. Whatever you want to know, ask away. I won't hold anything back today."
"I'll hold you to that," said Hermione.
He couldn't resist following up with, "You can hold me as much as you want, baby."
They finished lunch and started walking through the village to the bubble witch. Along the way, Hermione and Lee took turns asking questions of each other. Maybe it was a childish game, but it was working. Hermione felt closer to Lee than ever before.
They came to the edge of the village. They couldn't read the writing on the sign, but there was a picture of a bubble with two stick figures inside it, so they deduced this was the place. Also, it was already prepped with cameras.
The bubble witch looked as if she'd seen better days. She was quite old, and her bright pink flower-embroidered dress only served to make her look older. She didn't speak English, so a translator informed Hermione and Lee of the process. They had to go outside, she said. Once they were the proper distance from the village, the bubble witch would cast the charm about them, and they would begin to float. They needn't do anything while inside the bubble besides enjoy the scenery. The bubble would naturally float back down when it reached its peak.
Hermione and Lee held hands as the charm was cast. The bubble had a pale blue cast to it, but not enough to intervene much with the view. On the witch's command, the bubble began to rise.
"Oh gods," Lee said, latching onto Hermione. It was quite a sensation. The bubble was very thin, and it felt very unstable. It literally felt like walking in the air. Soon, the bubble witch looked like an ant beneath them. The village looked like it was part of a miniature train track. Soon, it was just one speck. Hermione and Lee saw mountains in the distance to one side of them. On the other, they could see rivers. Other cities came into view, and soon, they saw the Pacific ocean.
"Oh my gosh, look," said Hermione. "Is that Japan?"
"It is," said Lee, "and look! There's Goku!"
"Who?" asked Hermione with a laugh.
"Ugh, okay," said Lee. "I'll teach you one day."
"I do see something though," said Hermione. "The curvature of the Earth."
Lee put his arm around Hermione, and they looked out over the world and kissed. Then, the bubble began to drop.
"Ohh, that's unfortunate. I could stay up here forever," said Lee. "Well, at least a little while longer. Until I had to pee or something."
"So romantic," Hermione said, rolling her eyes.
"Sorry," said Lee. "Hey, does your stomach feel a little funny?"
"The sensation is unusual," Hermione admitted.
"Uhhh, Hermione," Lee said, clutching his stomach. "I think I have an 'or something' coming on."
"Oh no," said Hermione. "She didn't say what to do if this happened, did she?"
"Who knows?" Lee asked. "I couldn't understand what she was saying, could you?"
"No," Hermione said. Lee was turning green. "Oh gods. Just breathe. Relax. You'll be fine. Everything will be fine."
"BLEHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Vomit splattered on Lee's side of the bubble. Hermione had been prepared enough to cast a barrier that protected her and Lee, but now the barf was dripping down the side of the bubble and collecting in a little pool at their feet.
"Oh my gods," Lee breathed. "I am sooooooooo sorry!"
"It's fine," she said weakly, sealing the vomit in a little pocket on the bubble floor. Unfortunately it didn't seal the smell. "It's not your fault. You couldn't help it." Some of it had gotten on their shoes. It was unavoidable.
The bubble landed, and the bubble witch shook her head and muttered something in Chinese when she saw the vomit. She released them and just let the vomit settle into the grass.
"We're being judged so hard," said Lee.
"Oh, come on," said Hermione. "This can't be the first time that's happened."
They found a bench where they could recover. The crew brought them crackers and fizzy pop to settle their stomachs, and a rose.
"Well, Lee," said Hermione. "This is certainly a date I will never forget."
"Yeah," he said. "I'm really sorry."
"Well, not everything is going to be all sparkly and romantic all the time," said Hermione. "I'm still glad we did it, and that I brought you. So Lee..." She picked up the rose. "...Will you accept this rose?"
Lee's eyes bugged out. "Abso-freaking-lutely!" He took it, and they went in to kiss, but then decided against it for obvious reasons. The couple held hands and laughed all the way back to the Floo.
Justin was trying to teach Zach how to play Mahjong when an owl tapped on the window. "A date card?" Zach asked. He got up to let the owl in and accepted the card.
ZACH CAM: "I'm way past due for a date. I feel like Hermione and I have the foundation, but if I don't get some quality one-on-one time soon, then I'm in danger of getting sent home. Justin and I are the only guys left in the house who haven't gotten a rose for anything. I know she and Justin have a lot in common on the surface, but I'm hoping Hermione can look past that and see what I bring to the table."
Zach opened the card and looked at his friend. "Justin," he said, "It's a beau-tea-ful day for a date. Hermione."
Justin beamed. "Please tell me that's a pun."
Zach handed him the card. "Yeah," he said. "It's a pun."
JUSTIN CAM: "Hermione is unlike any woman I've ever met. I've been waiting a long time for this date, but I'm sure it's going to be worth the wait!"
Lee came home with his rose, and the men congratulated him politely. Any guy who came back from a one-on-one with a rose was threatening. Zach avoided the obligatory post-date storytelling to grab a drink from the fridge. Colin followed him.
"Hey, Colin," said Zach, "can I run something by you?"
"Okay," said Colin. Colin was also feeling a little down on his luck. Although he had received a group date rose once, it was from the group date where Hermione had been preoccupied with Gilderoy drama, and Colin wasn't as confident in it anymore.
"I think I'm going to talk to Hermione tonight," said Zach.
"Talk to her? About what?" asked Colin.
"About us. About where we stand," said Zach. "I'm tired of just hanging around with no validation. Like what am I here for?"
"I hear ya," said Colin. "I brought this scrapbook to fill with pictures, and it's just group date pictures. I have all these pages saved for one-on-ones."
"That's what I'm saying," said Zach. "I feel like I'm just waiting my turn to go home. I'm giving all I've got every time I see her, and I get nothing back."
"Hey, guys," said Oliver. "Couldn't help but overhear. Are you saying you're going to personally go to Hermione's place and talk to her about this?"
"I really think I am," said Zach.
Ron walked in. "That's like asking to be sent home, mate," said Ron.
"I kinda am," said Zach. "If she doesn't see a future with me, she should just send me home."
"But isn't the point of the roses that she does, at that moment at least, want to keep you around?" asked Colin.
"Well, I want more than a moment," said Zach.
"Oh, just let him go," Draco interjected. "If he's going to self-destruct, just let him self-destruct."
Zach seethed. "This is what really pisses me off," he said. "The fact that I'm here giving it my all, and this git just turns on the charm with her each week, and is nothing but a freaking arse-hole with us. I'm here for the right reasons. You're here to play a game."
"Love is a game," said Draco. "And you can't win if you don't play the game."
"Hermione deserves so much better than you!" Zach snapped. Ron and Oliver held Zach back, and Severus put a firm hand on Draco. They separated. Zach packed his bags before going to Hermione's.
"You're sure about this?" Justin asked.
"I am," said Zach. "I can't go on like this. I have to know."
"Alright, man," said Justin. "Good luck. Hope this isn't the end for you."
"And if it is, take good care of her," said Zach.
Zach left. A crewman directed him to Hermione's, which the promise of drama compelled him to do. Zach knocked on Hermine's door. She answered.
"Hello?" she asked. "Oh, Zach, hi."
"Hey," he said. "Can I come in?"
"Sure," she said, aware from the tension in the air that this was not going to be an easy conversation. Zach stepped gingerly through the door, followed by the crewmen. She motioned for him to take a seat, and he obliged. Crookshanks was sitting on the couch. The cat sniffed Zach, determined he was uninteresting, and wandered over to Hermione's lap on the opposite end of the couch.
"Is there anyone he trusts besides you?" Zach asked.
"Not really, no," said Hermione. "So, what brings you here, Zach?"
"Well, I wanted to talk about us," said Zach.
"Okay," said Hermione.
"Do you see us together at the end of this?" Zach asked.
"I...I don't know," said Hermione. "I don't know who I'm going to be with at the end of this. I'm trying to figure it out."
"Realistically though," Zach pressed. "I realize a lot can change in the, what, eight weeks left?"
"Something like that," Hermione said. "Oh my gods. Eight weeks."
"Right, so, I realize a lot can change in eight weeks," said Zach. "But I'm obviously behind the other guys. I've never gotten a rose for anything besides the main rose ceremony. I'm wondering if it's possible for me to catch up at this point."
Hermione sighed in frustration. "Unfortunately I get a limited number of dates and a limited number of roses on these dates."
"Yeah, but, to never give me one?" Zach asked. "I feel like I'm putting myself out there, every time-"
"You are," said Hermione. "I recognize that."
"But it's never enough," said Zach. "There's always someone better. And I feel like I'm just waiting my turn to go home."
"Zach," Hermione said, "I haven't even had one-on-one dates with everyone yet. I'm going to. I promise that if you stick around, we'll have that one-on-one time together. Zach, if I thought there was no possible way we could be together at the end of this, I would have sent you home already."
"So you want me to stay?" Zach asked.
"Of course I do," said Hermione. "You're kind, and you're fun, and you're handsome."
"It's nice to hear that," said Zach.
"Well, I'm glad you stopped by," said Hermione. "I know it must be frustrating. But everyone who is here is here for a reason."
They kissed.
ZACH CAM: "Well, I guess that's the best I could have asked for. I understand she can't have one-on-one dates with everyone. Still, there are people here who are wasting everyone's time, people like Malfoy and Riddle. But I didn't want to ruin our time together by bringing them into it."
HERMIONE CAM: "I'm sure Zach is not the only one feeling this way, and it was very brave of him to come over here and talk to me about it. I think that this experience actually brought us closer. The fact that he feels comfortable opening up to me says a lot about our relationship."
Some of the guys were surprised to see Zach back, but they soon forgot about his little outburst. The next morning was Justin's date. Hermione picked him up shortly after breakfast. She was wearing a black flower print dress, and her hair was drawn back in a bun.
"Hello," said Justin. "You look gorgeous."
"Thank you," she said, taking his hand. "Want to know where we are going today?"
"Of course," he said.
She took him to a Portkey, a broken teacup. "We're going to sample some of the finest tea in China," she said.
"Alright, let's do it," said Justin. They took the Portkey, and it brought them to a tea farm.
"Hello!" said a Chinese man. Hermione was relieved to hear that their guide today spoke English. "I am Chaun. Welcome to Nongchang Tea Farm."
"Hi," said Justin, sticking out his hand to greet Chaun. "I'm Justin."
"Justin," Chaun repeated. "And you must be Hermione?"
"Yes," she said, shaking his hand. Justin put his arm around her.
Chaun took them on a tour of the farm before leading them into the tea house. Here they were given a private tea tasting, paired with various Chinese desserts. Afterwards, they went to a botanical garden. Justin enjoyed reading the inscriptions on the plaques and telling Hermione stories about the various symbols and statues in the garden.
HERMIONE CAM: "These two one-on-one dates have been drastically different. I've been very attracted to Justin's calm nature. It would be nice to see him break out a little more, though."
"Hey, Justin?" she asked. "Would you like to go dancing?"
"Dancing?" Justin asked.
"Dancing?" the crew whispered. There was nothing in the date plans about dancing.
"Like Chinese folk dancing?" he pressed. "I do know some of that. Do you?"
She was tempted to take him up on that, but it wasn't what she meant. "No, I mean dancing. Like in a club or something."
The suggestion obviously made him uncomfortable. "Is that what we are doing next?" Justin asked.
Hermione looked at the crew. What they were supposed to do next was take a little boat ride on the lake and eat dinner. But she knew she wouldn't get what she needed out of Justin that way. So she said, "Can we go to a club?"
The crew started scrambling. Finally, someone said, "We can arrange a Portkey to Hong Kong."
"Awesome!" Hermione said. "Thanks! You guys are the best!"
"Oh, um, I'd rather not," said Justin.
"Why not?" she asked.
"I, um, can't dance," he said.
"Can't dance?" she asked. "Nonsense. Everyone can dance. Maybe not well, but, heck, you'll be fine with me. We'll be dorks together."
JUSTIN CAM: "I hate everything about clubs. The loud music. The obnoxious people. But, I like Hermione. So, if she wants to go to a club, then I will go to a club."
"Okay," he said.
"Okay?"
"Okay," he repeated. "Let's go."
The Portkey was ready, and Justin and Hermione left for Hong Kong. More specifically, they had been teleported directly inside of a club. Beautiful people of all races filled the dance floor, on which there was very little space. The dubstep music rattled their bones. She took Justin's hand and lead him into a teensy little space on the floor. He was already sweating.
"Would you like a drink?" she asked him.
"What?" he responded.
She leaned in closer to his ear. "WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?"
"OKAY," he shouted back. She took his hand again and dragged him to the bar. After about five minutes, they got served. Two "Parseltongues."
They returned to the dance floor. Justin's dancing was limited to bobbing back and forth, which was just about as much as they had room for anyways. "ARE YOU HAVING FUN?" Hermione asked.
He took a giant sip of the Parseltongue. "I FEEL UNDERDRESSED."
It was a pretty high-end club they'd been transported too. "WHO CARES? NOBODY IS LOOKING AT US."
That was true too. He nodded. "THIS DRINK IS STRONG."
"IT'S A PARSELTONGUE," she said.
"A WHAT?!"
"A PARSELTONGUE!"
"I LIKE IT," he said. "I'VE NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE."
"REALLY?!"
"YEAH, I DON'T REALLY DRINK MUCH."
"OH," she said. "I HOPE YOU DON'T THINK I'M A LUSH."
"A WHAT?!"
"A LUSH! SOMEONE WHO IS ALWAYS DRUNK!"
"OH NO. IT'S FINE. THIS SHOW PUSHES ALCOHOL ON YOU SO THAT WE DON'T FEEL AWKWARD ABOUT ALL THE CAMERAS."
"RIGHT!" Hermione said. "SO WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO COME ON THIS SHOW?"
"HUH?!"
Oh, for Merlin's sake. "YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO WOULD SIGN UP FOR THIS SHOW."
"OH HAHA. I DIDN'T. MY FRIENDS NOMINATED ME."
"ME TOO! THAT'S HILARIOUS!"
"I WAS EITHER GOING TO COME HERE OR GET ANOTHER CAT!"
"ME TOO!"
"THAT'S AWESOME!" Justin said. Then he started kissing her abruptly. They made their way off the dance floor into an empty booth. "Oh, thank goodness. I can stop shouting."
"Yeah, sorry," said Hermione. Justin was drenched in sweat, and naturally, Hermione also had his sweat on her. "I'm glad we came though."
"Me too," he said. "This is different. I couldn't imagine I'd have a good time here with anyone who wasn't you."
Hermione's heart melted. Gilderoy Lockhart appeared carrying a bottle of champagne. "Champagne on the house for the happy couple?"
"Uhhh," Hermione said. She looked at Justin, whose cheeks were rosy from the Parseltongue. "I think we've had enough alcohol today, thanks, Gilderoy."
"Okay," he said. "Then I'll leave you with this, then." He dropped off the rose and apparated away.
She picked it up. "Justin," she said, "the more time I spend with you, the happier I am that you're here. I'm falling for you. Will you accept this rose?"
"Of course," he said.
HERMIONE CAM: "Did I say 'I'm falling for you'? I meant to say, 'I can see myself falling for you.' Those aren't terribly different, though, right?" She sighed. "Oh, Parseltongue!"
Harry opened the window and retrieved the group date card from the owl. Everyone gathered eagerly to hear it, because whoever wasn't listed on this date card would be on the two-on-one. He opened it and read, "Ron, Dean, Severus, Harry, Oliver, Neville, Colin, Zach. Let's put our love to the test. Hermione."
"Ohhhhhhhhh shit!" Lee blurted. Everyone's eyes traveled to Draco and Tom.
"Well well well," said Draco. "A Slytherin smackdown."
"I'm sorry, Draco," said Tom. "It was nice knowing you."
"Psh," said Draco. "No it's not. Don't be fake, dude."
DRACO CAM: "This is not even a contest. I'm going to win. I have to. Tom is not here for the right reasons. He's caused a bunch of drama in the house. I can't wait to see the look on his face when Hermione gives me this rose."
TOM CAM: "I will do whatever it takes to stay on this show. Whatever. It. Takes. This brat doesn't have a clue what's about to come for him. And honestly, everyone will thank me when it's over. Draco is hardly worthy of the name Malfoy, and definitely not worthy of the title Slytherin. Time to put him in his place."
RON CAM: "I don't think they realize that both of them going home is also an option."
JUSTIN CAM: "So, Lee and I get to stay here with Draco and Tom the day before the two-on-one. Yay..."
The lucky bachelors who got to go on the group date gathered outside the house to wait for Hermione. They were all talking about the two-on-one.
"If one of those guys comes back, I'm seriously going to question why I'm here," said Dean. "I mean, you all hear them, right? It's just a game to both of them. I can't take it anymore."
"Poor Lee and Justin," said Neville. "They get to keep on hearing it."
"I dunno. I kinda enjoy the trash talk," said Zach.
"It's fun when there's an actual good guy involved you can root for," said Harry. "But this is like...someone trash talking themselves in the mirror."
"I have a bad feeling Tom is going to wiggle through," said Colin. "He wiggles through EVERYTHING."
"Yeah, Draco's just annoying," said Oliver. "Tom's actually shown some brains throughout this whole thing. I bet Tom wiggles through, too."
"I'm rooting for Draco?" said Zach. "Is that wrong?"
"No, I get you," said Oliver. "I feel like Tom is capable of actual psychological damage. Draco's merely a brat. By himself, he's tolerable."
"Tolerable," repeated Ron. "I'm sure that's the top of Hermione's list of qualities she is looking for in a husband."
Hermione arrived, dressed in leggings and a long blue shirt. The boys' heads all turned. "Hello," she said.
"Hiiii," they said. The chorus may be smaller, but the tone never changed.
"We are going to take the Floo to today's date," said Hermione. "Come on!"
HERMIONE CAM: "Today's date is going to be unlike anything we've done so far. It's probably going to get awkward, but I'm excited for that."
They arrived in a white room that looked like a magical laboratory. The witches and wizards assembled were wearing white lab robes, and Gilderoy greeted them in his trademark white suit. "Hello, lady and gentlemen. Welcome to Shanghai's cutting edge Love Magic Lab."
DEAN CAM: "Love Magic Lab? What the heck, MBBC? Like you didn't invent this place just for the show. There's no way this is a real thing."
"You all look confused," said Gilderoy. "And you should be. This is the only place of its kind in all of the wizarding world. Here at Love Magic Lab, these witches and wizards are looking to unlock perhaps the greatest secret in all of humanity: what is love? I believe the date card said you would be putting your love to the test. This is all too true. You will all be put through tests to see how strong these relationships actually are. At the end of the day, after you've participated in all of the activities, you will all get a compatibility report."
RON CAM: "Blimey, Hermione. Tests? You would make us do tests."
"The good news is that you will all get a lot of one-on-one time with Hermione today," said Gilderoy. "The first test involves simply talking to Hermione. Hermione will sit there..." He gestured to an innocuous looking chair. "...and you will sit opposite her. And that's it. Just talk." The boys all stared suspiciously at Gilderoy. There had to be a catch. "Bill, why don't you go first?" Gilderoy asked. He was looking at Ron. Ron looked around, and everyone snickered. "Ummm...I'm Ron."
Gilderoy squinted. "Ahhh, yes, you are a bit fatter. Ron, why don't you go first?"
"Fine," Ron said with a glare. He sat opposite Hermione, who muttered "I'm sorry" to him. The couple were surrounded by white curtains. Two Chinese witches started to apply devices to him. They stuck nodes on his temples and at his wrists. "Ummm..."
"Mr. Ron," said one of the witches, "this test will measure how attentive you are to Hermione when she talks. Just act naturally."
"Does she get these too?" he asked.
"No," she said. "This is your test, not hers."
"Of course," said Ron. "How silly of me."
Hermione shrugged. The witches left. "So," said Hermione.
"So," said Ron.
"How...are you doing?" she asked.
"Aside from the fact that I'm being tested for things I don't understand, not that bad," said Ron. "Are you enjoying yourself?"
"Yes," she giggled.
"So you chose this?" Ron clarified.
"Absolutely," she said. "I just find all this fascinating."
In an attempt to flirt, Ron said, "Alright then, doctor, what about me fascinates you?" but before Hermione could respond, loud rock music started to play.
Hermione and Ron looked around, giggled slightly, then shrugged. "Well, if I'm being honest, I'm not sure I have you all figured out yet, Ron Weasley," said Hermione.
"Figured out?" Ron asked. "What do you mean? I think you might be looking for something that isn't there...erm..." The music stopped, and a pixie flew through the curtains. "BLIMEY! LOOK OUT!" Ron shouted, pulling out his wand, but the pixie passed on through. "What the heck?!"
One of the Chinese witches re-entered, except this time, she was wearing red lingerie. "Mr. Weasley, can I interest you in a drink?" she asked.
"UMM?!" Ron exclaimed, then held up a hand to shield his eyes. "No, I'm good, thank you. Bloody hell!"
"Okay, Mr. Weasley," she said. "The test is over." She removed the nodes. "You are free to go."
"Thank you?!" he said. "On second thought...maybe a drink is good. Bloody hell. This the weirdest date in the history of dates. Good luck, Hermione. I'm sorry you have to do this over and over today."
"Oh, I am not," said Hermione.
HERMIONE CAM: "The witches are tracking how focused the guys stay on me throughout the conversation even with the presence of distractions."
Ron had actually done pretty well on the test. Severus passed the pixie and the lingerie part with flying colors (he had paralyzed the pixie in an instant without breaking eye contact with Hermione), but he was so perturbed by the music that he got up and shouted at everyone outside the curtain. Colin was trying to take pictures, so Hermione wasn't sure what sorts of readings they were getting on him. Neville hid from the pixie, and both Oliver and Dean had been distracted by the witch, but poor Zach had failed on all accounts.
"So, Zach, I wanted to tell you again how glad I am that we got to talk."
Cue rock music. "Ohhhh shit, this is my jam!" Zach exclaimed.
"Is it now? That's ironic," said Hermione.
Zach got up and started to dance. "WHAT IS LOOOOOVE? BABY DON'T HURT ME! DON'T HURT MEEEEEEEEEE NO MORE!" Cue pixie. "OHHHHHH SWEET MERLIN WHAT WAS THAT?!" he shouted as he dropped to the floor.
"I think it was a pixie," said Hermione. She beckoned for him to sit down again. "So, Zach, where do you see yourself in five years?" Cue lingerie witch. Zach stared blankly, and not at Hermione. "Umm...Zach?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah, I love that song," he said.
"I think we're done here," said the witch.
"Indeed," said Hermione.
When the boys finished their turn behind the curtains, they were ushered into another room where they were encouraged to work out. Each man was placed on either a treadmill, or an elliptical, or a rowing machine, etc. Gilderoy brought Hermione into the room and placed a blindfold on her.
"Okay, gentlemen," said Gilderoy, "please line up, but do not speak to Hermione. This next test is going to be a little awkward."
"Oh," said Ron, "this is where it gets awkward. I see. Thanks for the heads up."
Gilderoy laughed awkwardly. "Hermione is going to sniff each of you."
"Can I shower?" Neville asked.
"Absolutely not," said Gilderoy. "Our witches are measuring how attracted Hermione is to each of your scents."
They all raised their eyebrows in surprise, but they asked no more questions. Gilderoy lead Hermione to each of the men, and she sniffed them. Occasionally she made a noise to indicate how she felt about each scent. She coughed after smelling Severus, then said, "Sorry." She said "hmm" to Neville. Neville started to panic, looking for some indication at what "hmm" meant, and receiving none. She said "Mmmm," to Dean, and then she got to Harry.
Sniff. Sniff sniff. She got closer and sniffed harder. "mmmmMMMMMMM! Wow!" Harry froze as the rest of the men shot daggers at him with their eyes. He turned beet red, and Hermione was also red. "Sorry," she muttered.
"No need to apologize, Hermione," said Gilderoy. "I'm going to take you into the next room for the final test now. Gentlemen, you may all clean up." He lead Hermione away.
Dean sniffed himself, and then grabbed Harry's arm and smelled him. "Ugh!" Dean said. "Seriously?"
"I...," Harry said, "I don't know what just happened."
"We know who won that test, that's what just happened," said Zach. He too sniffed Harry. "I don't get it."
"Oh, c'mon, Harry don't smell that bad," said Ron.
"Oh good. Ron wants to marry Harry too now," said Dean. "Congratulations, Harry."
"Oh stop! It's just sweat. She's not going to choose based on that," said Harry.
Gilderoy came back to their room. "Okay, men, I suspect that this last test is going to be your favorite. I am going to blindfold you, and one by one, you are going to have seven minutes with Hermione to do what you do best." He winked.
OLIVER CAM: "Seven minutes in Heaven. While a couple of witches analyze my every move. Ohhhhh yeahh..."
"You also can't talk to her," said Gilderoy. "This test is purely physical."
"How far can I go?" Zach asked. The men groaned, and Severus smacked him.
Gilderoy shrugged. "As far as she'll let you, I suppose. But do remember you're being monitored."
ZACH CAM: "I perform well under pressure."
SEVERUS CAM: "I don't know how much longer I can tolerate being lumped in with this lot of boys."
"Alright, Hermione, would you like to see the results?" Gilderoy asked when they were done.
"Already?" Hermione asked.
"This package is for you to share with the men, if you so wish," said Gilderoy. "It gives a breakdown of each of the tests. What your strengths are and what needs improvement."
"Okay," said Hermione. She accepted the pack of reports.
"And here's something I think should be just for you," said Gilderoy. "It's a comprehensive ranking of all the men based on their cumulative scores."
"Oh, wow," said Hermione. "I'm not even sure if I want to see that."
"Really?" asked Gilderoy. "Okay! Incendio!"
"NO!" Hermione shouted. "Okay okay okay. Gimme!"
Gilderoy grabbed the end of his wand to stop the flames, and then cried out in pain. He handed her the page. It simply said:
1. Harry
2. Neville
3. Dean
4. Oliver
5. Ron
6. Severus
7. Zach
8. Colin
"Hm," she said, smiling. Then, "Hm," she said again, frowning.
Hermione met with her suitors after dinner that night, and they looked at the reports.
"Well, Colin, first I'd like to say that I think the results got skewed due to your incessant need to take pictures," she said.
"Really? I thought that would help," he said. "Can I see this page...I'd like to..." He pulled his camera out of his bag.
"You know what? Stop," she said. "It's getting to be a bit much."
"Oh, I'm sorry," said Colin, hurt. "But the scrapbook..."
"It's a cute idea, and very sweet, but," she said, "we're constantly being recorded by cameras!"
Colin looked around. "Oh yeah."
"So I'm not sure that we need a scrapbook," she said. "And then your camera just makes another camera for me, you see what I'm saying?"
"Yes," he said, hanging his head. "I'm sorry."
"I'm going to be honest," she said. "I think the camera has actually kept us apart a little bit."
"Well, then we definitely need to fix that," said Colin.
"I agree," she said. "Thank you."
"Ron," she said.
"Yes?" he said. He had his arm around her, and she had her head on his shoulder.
"Okay, so, before I show you this report, I want to preface it with a couple of things," she said.
"Okay," he said. He was starting to sweat from nerves.
"Your results surprised me the most," she said.
"Okay!" he said with a smile, but then seeing her face, he realized she meant it the other way. "Oh no. I failed. We're not compatible."
"No! I mean," she said. "Yeah, we're not...not compatible, but...if these tests are to be believed, we're also probably supposed to just stay friends."
"Okay," he said, hanging his head. "I understand. I'll go."
"No!" Hermione said. "That is the opposite of what I want! I am so happy you're here, and, every time we spend time together, I feel safe, and I feel like you get me, and...oh, hell," she said, and then she took the rose from the table.
"You're kidding?" Ron said in disbelief.
"Ron Weasley," said Hermione. "I am falling for you. Will you accept this rose?"
"You realize this makes no sense, right?" Ron asked.
"Yes," said Hermione.
"Okay, as long as you're in, I'm in!" Ron said, accepting it. "Hey, Hermione?"
"Yes, Ron?"
"I'm falling for you too." They kissed, and they never even looked at the report.
Tom and Draco met in the kitchen on accident. "Good morning," said Tom.
Draco "hmphed" and opened the fridge. There was only one slice of bacon left. He reached for it.
"Accio bacon," said Tom, and the bacon flew to him.
"That's cheap," snarled Draco.
"That's life," said Tom with a shrug. "Did you pack your bags, Draco?"
"Yes," he muttered grudgingly. "And you?"
"No need," said Tom.
"But, the instructions say we need to place both our bags in the foyer. If I'm doing it, you're doing it," said Draco.
"My goodness, what are they teaching at Slytherin these days? Rules are meant to be broken, Draco," said Tom. "I'll pack my bags when I'm good and ready." He hovered the bacon in the air, cooking it with his wand. Grease dripped onto the floor. "In fact, I believe everyone ought to pack their bags tonight. Once I'm done with Hermione, it'll be game over."
"You are such an ass," said Draco. He left the kitchen without eating.
Tom laughed. "Nice comeback, Draco," he called. "I'll see you later. Looking forward to our date!"
Rita Skeeter sat in the control room, examining all of the screens. "Oh, that is some delicious footage of our bad boys," she said.
The editors nodded and took notes. A young bespectacled worker pushed through. "Ms. Skeeter! Ms. Skeeter!" he exclaimed.
"Uhhh...yes? Who are you?" asked Rita.
"Sorry," he said, "I'm Jack, the intern."
"Oh, sorry, Jack," said Rita. "Everyone, Jack's here to take your coffee orders!"
"No, it's not that, sorry," he said. "I mean, I will, but first..." He held out a binder. "This is the original cast list for this season."
Rita batted her eyes in disbelief. "Yes, and? What do you expect me to do with it? What were you doing with it?"
"I'm sorry," he said again. "I was just curious and looked through it. Ms. Skeeter, I think you might be interested to know that someone is missing."
"Missing? Who?"
"Tom Riddle," he said.
"Oh?" Rita said. She flipped through the original photoshoots, applications, and interview notes. He was right. The book went directly from POTTER, HARRY to SMITH, ZACHARIAS. "Where are Tom's files?" she demanded.
"I asked around, when I noticed it. I thought maybe someone was just borrowing it for something, but nobody knew. And then I watched through all of the footage from the first night carriage exits," said Jack.
"How did you get access to that?!" Rita demanded.
Jack shook his head and ignored her question. "Ms. Skeeter, not only are there no records of Tom Riddle applying to the show, he never got off a carriage."
"Impossible!" snapped Rita. "Then how did he get here? Show me! SHOW ME!"
The editors found the footage, and together, they watched every miserable moment. Jack was correct. Tom Riddle never got out of a carriage.
"Ms. Skeeter, what do we do?" asked one worker.
"This is a serious security breach!" exclaimed another. "He must be removed at once!"
"In week 6?! On the brink of the our drama-guaranteed two-on-one?!" Rita shrieked.
"We can edit him out," said an editor. "It'll be like he was never there."
"No no no," said Rita. "Tom is an asset to this show. He must stay."
"But, Ms. Skeeter!" they protested.
Rita held up her hand to silence them. "I want a camera on Tom Riddle at all times. When he leaves, and he will leave, before the end, we pay him hush money. Nobody ever need know of this."
Jack hung his head and sighed. The room was tense. Everyone focused on the camera following Tom.
HERMIONE CAM: "In some ways, I'm looking forward to this date. We're going to the Great Wall, one of the new seven wonders of the world. And I'm looking forward to seeing both Tom and Draco. Both of them are guys that I had a strong connection to in the beginning. Tom got the first impression rose, and Draco got my first group date rose. As we've progressed, I've had questions about both of them. I know they've both caused problems in the house, and of course there was that incident with Tom on the Norway group date. I need clarity today. I need to know that these men are here for me. I can't keep on like this. Yet, I will be sad to see one of them go. Or both of them, if need be."
Draco and Tom waited for Hermione. The other men in the house peeked out the windows. They were of course going to sit around and wait for a crewman to come and retrieve one of the two bags. Colin had started a pool on who was coming back. The men were split. Only Ron held fast to the belief they would both be gone.
"So we have two bottles of champagne here," said Dean. "We'll call one Draco and one Tom. We'll only open them both if both of those bags leave, agreed?"
"Agreed," the men said.
"Hermione is here!" Neville announced. They all stepped away from the windows and sat in the living room with the two bottles of champagne.
"And now we wait," said Dean. "And now we wait."
"Hello, boys," said Hermione.
"Hi, Hermione," they said. Each one reached for one of her hands. She looked at them both and smiled nervously.
"Today we're going to be visiting the Great Wall," said Hermione. "There's a Portkey for us. Ready?"
They nodded and proceeded.
TOM CAM: "The Great Wall is a very fitting place for this date, because I believe today is going to be a very great day."
They arrived at the Great Wall, and it was packed with tourists. A private tour guide showed them around, and nobody really said anything to each other besides. Each man clasped Hermione's arm on either side.
HERMIONE CAM: "This is way weirder than I thought it would be. Group dates have never felt this crowded."
A section of the wall had been reserved specifically for them. They had two private watchtowers, one with three chairs in it, and one with two. The one that had three chairs also included some wine and cheese and of course, the rose.
TOM CAM: "I was very tempted just to take that rose and get it over with. But, that's not how the game goes, of course. We must all play the game."
"Okay, well, I don't see any reason to prolong this," said Hermione, when they had settled into the first watchtower. "Umm...Draco, would you like to walk with me?"
"Of course," he said. Hermione took his hand, and they walked off down the stairs and along the wall.
Hermione took his hand in both of hers. "Are you...?"
"Nervous, yeah," he admitted.
"Draco Malfoy, nervous?" she teased.
"Yeah, I, there's no point in hiding it. This date today has made me more nervous than anything I've ever done in my life. I'd never show it in front of him, of course, but..."
"Don't worry about him," said Hermione. "I don't want this to be one of the two-on-ones where both men use their time to trash the other. This is about us right now, okay?" He nodded, and she smiled and leaned into him. "You know, I kind of enjoy seeing you this way."
"Well, that's a little..." Draco started, and then he smiled. "Only you could get me like this."
"What are you nervous about, Draco?" she pressed.
"I'm nervous that this is the end," he said, "and I don't want it to be."
She smiled. "So, you are enjoying this process?"
"I mean," Draco said, "as much as a guy can enjoy watching his girlfriend go on dates with a bunch of other guys every week."
"Am I your girlfriend, Draco?"
"Of course you are," he said. "What, am I not your boyfriend?"
"I guess it's hard for me to use that word because there are still so many of you," she said.
"Well, how many boyfriends is acceptable, then?" he asked. "I mean, if this ends in a proposal, then we all should be people you consider boyfriends."
"I guess you're right!" She laughed. "This is so nice, Draco. I like being here with you. I like you like this."
"You keep saying that," he said, "like there's a way I am that you don't like."
"Well, you're not always the most modest of people."
"Neither are you," he teased.
She wasn't sure how to take that, but she did get flushed. "And you're not always the most considerate of other people in the house."
"That's because I'm here for you. I wouldn't want to say that I don't care about your other boyfriends, but, I mean, I'm not dating them. I'm not here for them. My priority is always making sure that you are taken care of. And that's the way it will be if we're together," he said.
"But we are together," said Hermione playfully.
Draco winked. "Exactly."
"Okay, Tom, would you like to come with me?" Hermione asked, following a pretty successful conversation with Draco. It was all on Tom now to make this a difficult decision for Hermione.
"Of course, my lady," said Tom. He took her arm, and they began to walk along the wall. "This place is so sad," Tom remarked.
"Sad?" Hermione asked. "How is that?"
"Well, for starters, there are dead people buried in this wall," said Tom. "We're walking on dead people."
"Hm, yes," said Hermione, remembering from the tour. "Not very romantic, is it?"
"No, it's not," said Tom. "How I would have loved to see this country back in its heyday."
"Time travelling would be fun," agreed Hermione.
"Right? Unfortunately it's 'not permitted by wizard law.' Psh. I'm a wizard. I should be able to do whatever I want."
Hermione sighed. "Well, I do understand that we can't have everyone popping in and out of the past as they please. The consequences could be catastrophic."
"More catastrophic than the world today?" Tom asked. "Please. The world is in a constant state of decay. This wall is a relic of a glorious past where the powerful people were free to do as they pleased."
HERMIONE CAM: "Tom is always very deep, but some of what he was saying today was making me uncomfortable."
"You know the past wasn't that great for everybody," said Hermione. "Like all women, really."
"Of course," said Tom. "I'm not saying it was perfect. In my perfect world, witches and wizards alike would rule."
"Rule?!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Oh, don't be like that," said Tom. "I just think we shouldn't have to be underground is all."
"Rule?" Hermione repeated.
Tom laughed, took her hand, and spun and dipped her. "I'll be King and you'll be my Queen, and we'll have a world of equality and justice for all."
Hermione laughed uncomfortably and wiggled free. "I'm not really interested in being a queen, Tom."
"I'm joking," said Tom.
"Are you?" asked Hermione.
"I thought you had aspirations of getting involved in government. That's one thing we have in common."
"Yes," said Hermione. "I mean, I don't know if I'd really call them aspirations, so much as fantasies."
"I want to help you make that fantasy come true," said Tom.
"So, if you did become an official, what would you do?"
"I'm sorry?"
"If you really did have power," said Hermione, "what policies would you want to enact?"
Tom wiped his brow. "It's kinda hot here, isn't it?"
"Like, if witches and wizards did rule, then what would happen to my parents?"
"Nothing, my dear. What do you think I am, a monster? Nobody who opposes me will come to any harm."
Hermione's jaw slacked open. "Okay, I think we're done here." She started walking back to the watchtower.
"Oh, Merlin's beard, can't you take a joke?"
"Well, I don't think those jokes are funny," Hermione whispered, turning around. Draco was looking down at them from his watchtower and smiling.
Tom took her hand. "I'm sorry, Hermione. It won't happen again. I see you as an intellectual equal, so I thought you'd-"
"There is a long history of people like me being persecuted in the wizarding community! How could you think I'd find jokes like that funny?"
"I screwed up. I'm sorry. You know, Draco-"
"Draco and I had a lovely conversation about what we'd like for our future."
"He's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Everyone in the house knows he's here for the wrong reasons."
"I'm not playing that game," said Hermione. "Tom, don't bother following me. I've put up with enough of your s***. It's over. You're done. You're going home."
"Well, I'm very sorry you feel that way," said Tom.
The screen went black.
"OHHHHHHHH!" Cho, Cedric, and Luna shouted.
"Shot DOWN!" Cedric exclaimed.
"Well, I guess Draco's still in," Cho said, turning to the poster.
"Guys?" Luna said. Cho flicked her wand and a big red X appeared over Tom's picture. "Guys! Look!" Luna insisted.
They turned to the screen, and Gilderoy was sitting beside Hermione in the original England mansion.
"Oh my gosh, wait a minute," said Cho. "Was that it?"
"That was it," said Luna. "He...he..."
"Shhhh!" Cedric said.
"Hello, Bachelor Nation. We're very sorry to interrupt the juicy two-on-one date you were watching, but unfortunately there is no more footage," said Gilderoy.
"No more footage? How?" Cho asked. "Didn't they say He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named...?"
"There is no more footage because at this moment Tom Riddle rendered the entire camera crew unconscious, and filming ceased," said Gilderoy. "Now as I wasn't there myself, I will be turning the discussion over to various members of our cast who were. Hermione?"
Hermione nodded. "After he knocked out the camera crew, he cast the Imperius Curse on me. I...I'm sorry, Gilderoy. I can't say any more. I don't remember."
"Quite right," said Gilderoy. "Of course, as many of our watchers are aware, those who have been under the Imperius Curse do not remember what they do when they are under said curse. So, let's go ahead and bring out the rest of our cast who were willing to appear today. Now, for those of you watching, this will be the first time our bachelors and Hermione are reuniting after the incident and the hiatus in filming. The show is not finished. There has been no proposal at this time. Okay, Jack, you can let them in." One by one, the men were ushered into the room: Neville, Colin, Lee, Oliver, Dean, Zach, Justin, Ron, and lastly, Harry. When Harry entered the room, everyone got up and hugged him. Hermione hugged him last and longest. The men all gathered on the couch pit in the living room, and Hermione sat in the middle of them, and while she was happy to have them back in her life, she couldn't help but notice who was missing. She looked at Gilderoy questioningly, and he nodded. "Draco and Severus have decided not to come back, Hermione," Gilderoy said. "I actually have a letter to you from Severus. I received nothing from Draco, did you?"
"No," said Hermione. "Hm. I see. Did he say why he wasn't coming?"
"He doesn't feel safe," said Gilderoy. "We at the MBBC respect his decision. Of course, we want all of you to feel safe. Just to be clear, is there anyone else here who will not be returning to the show when we continue filming?"
The men all said "no" and shook their heads adamantly.
"If we all didn't go on with our lives, then the Dark Lord wins," said Dean. The men all agreed and clapped.
"Harry?" Gilderoy said. "You feel safe?"
"As safe as I can be, Mr. Lockhart," said Harry. "I actually want to start with apologizing to everyone, because if it weren't for my presence here, none of this would have happened. Hermione, if you think it would be better if I didn't-"
"Shut it!" Hermione said. "This is not your fault, and I won't hear any more talk like that. And thank you all. Every single one of these men reached out to me over the hiatus to see how I was doing. I have the most fantastic group of men here, and I can't wait to continue this journey."
The men clapped. "Okay then," said Gilderoy. "This is it, then? The final nine. Any objections, Hermione?"
"None at all," said Hermione. "Clearly they're all here for the right reasons."
"Then, since we didn't get to have a rose ceremony," said Gilderoy, "would you like to give out roses here right now?"
"I would," said Hermione, and she bestowed a rose on each of the men in turn.
"Okay," said Gilderoy, "now all of our viewers are certainly wondering what exactly happened after the blackout on the two-on-one. Unfortunately we don't have much account of that. The story, as I understand, picks up again at the house, yes?"
"That's right," said Oliver. "So, ummm..."
"Go on, dude," said Lee. "You spoke first. You're the guy now."
"I'm the guy. Alright, so we're hanging at the house waiting for the results of the two-on-one. And the door opens, and it's Hermione," said Oliver.
"Are you going to be okay?" Harry asked Hermione.
"It's...it's weird hearing this aloud. But it has to be done. Go on," said Hermione.
"Hermione is wearing...it was a great dress. And we all got pretty excited at this point," said Oliver.
"We're waiting for the news that they both went home," said Dean.
"And then Hermione asks Harry to come with her," said Oliver.
"Harry, if you don't mind, what are you thinking at this moment?" asked Gilderoy.
"I'm wondering what the hell those guys said on the date to make this happen," said Harry. "So I'm very nervous. Usually when the bachelorette comes personally over to the house and asks for someone unexpectedly, it's not a good thing."
"So you're thinking at this moment that you could be going home," Gilderoy clarified.
"Yeah, although I can't imagine why. That's what I'm thinking," said Harry. "So I go with her."
"And what were the rest of you thinking?" asked Gilderoy.
"I was jealous, honestly," said Zach. A lot of other guys echoed the sentiment.
"I was suspicious," said Ron. "Something felt off to me."
"Well, it was a very 'off' day, and a very 'off' thing to happen," said Colin. "But we had no reason to suspect Harry would be in any danger, besides maybe the danger of going home."
"Okay, Harry, can you describe briefly what happened between you and Hermione next?" asked Gilderoy.
"Okay," said Harry, taking a deep breath. "So, Hermione takes me to her house, and there's a beautiful dinner set up, and a rose on the table. Hermione then tells me...erm...she tells me that she's in love with me and that I'm going to be the one at the end of the show, and that we have to just play along with the show from now on."
"Okay," said Gilderoy. "What's going through your head, Harry?"
"Well, a lot of things," Harry said with a nervous laugh. "I'm looking around at the cameramen, and they're shocked as hell."
"There's footage of this?" Neville gasped.
"Yes," said Gilderoy, "but we are not going to release this footage out of respect for Hermione and Harry. We will watch some different footage later, that I think everyone should see, but this isn't it. Okay, so back to you, Harry. Do you believe what Hermione is telling you?"
"I want to," said Harry, "but, uhhh, no. For a couple of reasons. First, the Hermione I know would not continue leading on a bunch of guys for the sake of a TV show." The other men nodded, and Hermione smiled. "So, I asked her what was actually going on, and then she says she's going to go get us some wine."
"Completely ignoring your question?" Gilderoy asked.
"Yes," said Harry. "She doesn't even address it. That was my second clue that something was wrong."
"And okay, I can jump in here," said Hermione, "because I actually remember this. I remember Harry asking me that question, and on some level I also realized something was wrong. Because I kind of snapped back into myself here, and I was like, 'Why am I alone with Harry in my house? Where did this wine come from?'"
"Okay," said Gilderoy. "Good. I think this would be a good time to interrupt your side of the story and turn to the footage of what was happening in the bachelor house."
"Yeah!" Zach exclaimed, clapping, and the other men clapped as well. The TV in the Bachelor House turned on, and the camera zoomed into the TV. But there was also a picture in a picture where you could see the real-time reactions of the participants.
Harry and Hermione exited the house, and the men were muttering in confusion. Severus stood up, pointed his wand into the air, and shouted, "EXPECTO PATRONUM!" A beautiful silver doe appeared in the center of the room. The men flipped out. Zach hid from the Patronus. Severus said, "An urgent message to Albus Dumbledore. Dark magic on the set. Please send help to our location immediately. End message." The Patronus disappeared.
"WHAT WAS THAT?!" Zach shouted.
"Alright, boys, sit down and shut up," said Severus. "The show has been compromised. I need all of you to listen to me. You too!" Severus pointed his wand at the crew.
"NOW HOLD ON RIGHT THERE!" Ron cried, standing up and pointing his wand at Severus. "We're not backing down without a fight!"
"I second that," said Neville, standing beside Ron. "What's your game, Professor?"
Severus laughed in their faces. "My game is to make sure all of you, including Hermione and Mr. Potter, make it out of here alive. But go on and attack me and take your chances with the Death Eaters yourself."
"DEATH EATERS?!" Lee squealed at a decibel that could summon dogs.
Everyone got out of their seats with their wands at the ready, and started off in different directions. Justin tried to go outside, and Severus magically slammed the door shut on him. "SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN SIT DOWN SIT DOWN! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH?!"
"We're trying to get the hell out of here!" said Justin.
"Bloody hell, they don't make wizards like they used to anymore," said Severus. "Sit down, the lot of you. If there are Death Eaters, as I suspect there are, you're not going to want to be going out on your own, are you?" Everyone started to settle back into their seats. "Good," said Severus. "Hello, I'm a member of the Order of the Phoenix. If you listen to me, and don't do anything stupid, then we're all going to be okay. Erm, yes, Mr. Wood?"
Oliver's hand was raised. "Why would Death Eaters attack us here?"
"Ohhh, I don't know, let me think," said Severus, sarcasm dripping from his tongue. "Does anybody know of a reason why Death Eaters might attack us here?"
"Because Harry Potter," said Neville, hand also raised. The men weren't sure why they were all raising their hands, but it felt like the right thing to do.
"OHHHHHHHHH," said way too many people.
"Well shit," said Dean. "Hermione just took Harry out!"
Panic set in again. Severus raised his hand to quell the masses. "Yes," said Severus, "and Hermione is under an Imperius Curse." Super panic.
"H...how do you know that?" asked Colin.
"I can tell by the way she talked and moved," said Severus. "She seemed happy. Too happy. Also, she came back without either of the men she was on a date with, or their bags having been removed."
"Do you think...Tom and Draco...?" Oliver started, unable to finish the thought.
"I'm not sure," said Severus. "I've had my own suspicions about Tom that I shall not utter here."
"Draco's parents are Death Eaters," Dean said. "I bet he did it."
"No way! It was Tom! Tom's crazy!" said Zach.
"Stop," said Ron. "Who cares who did what? What matters right now is Harry and Hermione."
"Indeed," said Severus. "Ten points to Gryffindor. Let's start with placing some protective charms around this house. We can't very well help them if we die." Severus waved his wand over the room. Ron, Neville, Dean, and Lee got up to join in.
"Help them?" asked Zach. "What about Dumbledore?"
"Dumbledore is several thousand miles away," said Justin. "We have to be prepared to fight." Justin got up and joined the spell casting.
"Once we've secured the house, I'm going to go to them," said Severus. "You all should be safe here."
Colin, Oliver, and Zach joined in the spell casting. "Professor Snape?" Colin started.
"Yes, Mr. Creevey?" asked Severus.
"What if something happens to you?" Colin asked.
"Then I suppose you have to wait for Dumbledore," said Severus.
"I'm...I'm not comfortable staying in here while they're in danger out there," Ron said.
"Oh?" asked Severus.
"Yeah," said Neville. "We're not letting you go out alone, Professor."
"Oh," said Severus. "I appreciate the offer, but I'm guessing this magic is a little beyond you."
"You forget, Professor, that Gryffindor has an extensive Defense Against the Dark Arts program," said Dean. "We're going."
"You all feel this way?" asked Severus.
"Absolutely," said everyone except Zach. Justin punched him, and he finally said, "Yep."
Severus laughed. "Well, okay then. Let's extend our protections beyond this house. We're going out, boys."
They followed Severus.
"What if there are Death Eaters out there?" Neville whispered.
"Just use Expelliarmus," said Ron.
"Psh," said Severus. "I highly doubt-"
"Harry says that's always his first move," said Ron. "And he's a professional Auror!"
"Wicked," said Dean.
They cut back to Hermione, Gilderoy, and the nine in the house. "So," said Gilderoy, "what do you think about that, Hermione?"
"I think it's awesome," said Hermione. "Although, I have to agree with Severus's assessment of 'Expelliarmus.'"
"No, that's true, actually," said Harry. "I do use Expelliarmus as my first move 99% of the time."
Laughter from the group.
"Okay, so while this strange group of crusaders was forming within the house," Gilderoy, "Harry, you had come to the same conclusion at Hermione's house."
"Yeah," said Harry. "I recognized the signs that she was under Imperius, especially when she asked me why we were where we were. Kudos, by the way, Hermione. An Imperius Curse of that caliber is nearly impossible to break, and you were clearly fighting it."
"I knew everything was wrong, but my body was still going where it wanted me to go," said Hermione. "So I have this bottle of wine in my hands, and I pour a glass for Harry, and then I pour a different glass of wine for myself."
"And we might as well say right now why you poured two different glasses of wine," said Gilderoy.
"Because one was poison!" Harry and Hermione said together.
"Did you know it was poison, Harry?" asked Gilderoy.
"I had my suspicions," said Harry. "The wine was completely normal looking and smelling, though. But I wasn't even worried about the wine right now. I was worried about Hermione and her Imperius Curse. I mean, she could easily have used the Death Curse on me."
"But they wouldn't have had me do that on camera," said Hermione.
"Right, and actually, Severus said that particular potion wouldn't have killed Harry until a couple of days later," said Gilderoy.
"Yeah, so I could have drank it, and died, and nobody would have known," said Harry. "But I didn't drink it, because Ron, Neville, and Severus barged in on me."
"Alright," said Gilderoy, "By the way, I want everyone at home to know that while this was going on, we behind the scenes were bringing in Chinese Aurors and setting up the Floo to take everyone back to London."
"Right, I would like to reiterate for everyone out there," Harry said, gesturing at the camera, "this is not the MBBC's fault, okay? They have all kinds of security in place, but the level of dark magic at work to make this happen was unlike anything I'd ever seen, at least, that I can remember seeing."
"Ohh," Hermione said sympathetically. Harry shrugged.
"So, Severus, Ron, and Neville come into the house where you two are," said Gilderoy. "Then what?"
"They did such a good job!" Harry exclaimed. "Severus took Hermione. That was number one priority. He tells her they need to go back to the house, and Hermione is on a one-track mind, because of the Curse. She keeps insisting I drink my wine. She actually tells Severus, and Ron, and Neville, that she's going to kick them all off the show if they don't leave us alone. At this point I step in and tell Hermione that I want to go back to the house with her. And I'm not sure if she was resisting or if the curse was wearing off or what, but she goes with us. She brings the wine, though."
"But nobody drinks it?" asked Gilderoy.
"No, and it is making her very upset at this point," said Harry. So we get outside, and all of the guys are there protecting the house. We all go into the main house, and here is where it gets crazy."
"Oh, here is where it gets crazy?" Gilderoy asked. Everyone gave a slight laugh. You just had to in this situation.
"So, we get communication from the Aurors who had been dispatched to the Great Wall. Draco is gone, completely. That was the first news," said Harry.
"And I do want to reiterate for everyone at home, Draco is alive. He just has decided not to join us," said Gilderoy. "I'm fuzzy on those details, but it seems like he was able to get to safety, and his parents came to China to retrieve him."
"To retrieve him," Dean said with air quotes.
"We also learn at this point that the camera crew at the Great Wall had been knocked out. They were on their way to the hospital, and they were going to be fine," said Harry.
"They are fine, miraculously," Gilderoy reiterated. "Okay, and now is where it gets weird?"
"Yes," said Harry. "So Tom of course was the spell caster. And I can't say how...ugh, this is hard to explain."
"Alright, I gotcha, boy," said Lee, clapping his hands together. "We're just in the mansion waiting for more news at this point. Severus is talking to all kinds of people here, there, and everywhere. Hermione is being weird, but nothing is really happening. And then, Tom appears."
"Where does he come from?" Gilderoy asked.
"He just walks in," said Lee. "Like nothing unusual was happening. Like we hadn't just spent a whole lot of bloody time putting up barrier charms for this specific purpose."
"Did you know at this point that Tom had cast the spell?" asked Gilderoy.
"No," said Justin. "Severus kept saying he thought it was Tom and not Draco, but nobody could be sure exactly what had happened at the Wall. But Tom comes in, and we all stand up and point our wands at him, because, hello, you can't just walk in after we'd put up all of those enchantments. And he says something like, you can't hurt me just because I have a rose and you don't, and then we're like, did you curse Hermione? And he gets all defensive, of course."
"And this is the best part of the story," said Ron. "Hermione says to him, 'Harry won't drink the wine you gave me.' And she starts crying."
"Everything is just falling apart on him," said Gilderoy.
"Yeah," said Ron. "She also asks him why he has a rose, because she didn't remember giving him one."
"And then he tries to blame Draco for everything," said Oliver. "The wine, the curse..."
"And good old Hermione says, 'I really thought I was going to give Draco the rose, not you,'" said Dean.
"So this is what happens when someone is fighting a really strong Imperius Curse. They can't play along the way the spell caster wants them to, but they can't break out of it either, and it's almost like they're drunk or high," said Harry.
"So Hermione is completely ruining this for Tom," Gilderoy clarified.
"I don't remember any of this," said Hermione. "This is very entertaining."
"Although she also kinda ruined it for us," said Oliver, "because if she hadn't said that, Tom wouldn't have even known Harry hadn't had the wine. He was expecting business as usual."
"And where was the wine at this time?" asked Gilderoy.
"Severus had it," said Harry. "He was upstairs analyzing it."
"So," said Ron, "are we...are we telling them the next bit, or..."
"Tom is out of options," said Neville. "So, he has no choice but to reveal himself."
"And by 'reveal himself,' you mean...?" Gilderoy lead.
"Tom tells us, at this time, that he is in fact He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," said Neville.
"Okay," said Gilderoy. "That's a statement that is going to completely shock everyone at home, but it has been verified by the tapes. This is what he says."
"This is not just what he says," said Harry. "It is what he is. He wrote his name in the air with his wand, TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE, and the letters rearrange to say I AM LORD...you know."
"What do you do?" asked Gilderoy.
"Expelliarmus," said Ron. Gilderoy laughed. "No, seriously. I used Expelliarmus, and it worked."
"I went to get Professor Snape," said Colin.
"Wait, come again?" Gilderoy said.
"And then the Chinese Aurors arrived!" Zach exclaimed.
"Hold on, guys, Bill, you DISARMED HE WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED?!" Gilderoy shouted.
"My name is Ron, and F*** YES I BLOODY DID!"
Everyone cheered.
"What happened next?" Gilderoy asked, hyped.
"Well, we have to let down the defenses for the Aurors. I did that," said Zach, proudly.
"But, on the inside, Tom is telling us all that we're going to die," said Oliver.
"Severus and Colin come back down the stairs, and then we've got ourselves a battle," said Lee.
"All of us versus He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," said Colin. "Terrible odds. For us, I mean."
"Yeah, it is a miracle that you're all still standing," said Gilderoy.
"Well," said Ron, "Harry, being the actual Auror of the group, decides to confront him. We all tried to get between Tom and Harry, but Harry insisted."
"He was there because of me, and I didn't want anyone to get hurt because of me, so I just went for it. I went for the Killing Curse," said Harry.
"You tried to kill He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?" clarified Gilderoy.
"It's the only thing I thought had a chance of working against him," said Harry.
"Well, clearly, you've never tried Expelliarmus," quipped Gilderoy. Everyone laughed.
"Well, to be fair, Tom had gotten his wand back. That particular portion of the battle didn't last long," said Lee. "But it was still awesome!"
"Okay, so Harry goes after Tom with a Killing Curse. What happens?" asked Gilderoy.
"Tom does the same," said Ron. "And their magic meets in the middle. And then...eh?"
"Eh?" asked Gilderoy. "What's eh?"
"They couldn't get past each other," said Oliver. "It was a weird arch of magic over the living room between Harry's and Tom's wands."
"It was a stalemate," said Lee. "A tie."
"Okay," said Gilderoy. "Interesting."
"It's called Priori Incantatem," said Harry. "Mine and Tom's wands are actually brothers. They won't kill each other."
"Really?!" Gilderoy exclaimed. "You...and he..."
"Yes, I know," said Harry. "But this lot almost killed me anyways."
"We didn't know," said Dean. "We thought while Tom was focused on Harry, maybe we could take him out ourselves. So we started to attack, but Severus stepped in before we, you know, caused the connection to break and...kill Harry."
"AND THEN THE CHINESE AURORS ARRIVED!" shouted Zach.
"Yes, Zach's big contribution to everything," said Justin. "When the Chinese Aurors arrived, Tom apparated out."
"And then?" Gilderoy asked.
They all looked at each other. "And then nothing," said Oliver. "The end. Everyone was safe."
"So, just to clarify for everyone, this does mean that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is out there and at large," said Gilderoy. They nodded. "Okay, so..."
"We just need to be on high alert, and stick together as much as we can," said Harry. "We don't know exactly how he got there. The Aurors took his bags, and I'm pretty sure they got back to the Order of the Phoenix. So our very own Professor Snape is on the case."
"Oh, yes," said Gilderoy. "Hermione, why don't you read that letter now?"
"Out loud?" Hermione clarified. Gilderoy nodded. Hermione retrieved the letter and unfolded it. She read, "Dear Hermione, I hope this letter finds you well. You are a remarkable witch, and I feel very privileged to have been part of your journey. I will cherish each rose and moment I spent with you. Unfortunately the incident that occurred brought up some things in the past for me that I will never be quite over, and I've come to the conclusion that marriage is not the best option for me. Fighting side-by-side with your other suitors, as much as I hate to admit, gave me a new respect for them, and I believe you will be happy with whoever you choose from this bunch. I am old, Hermione, and they are young. You will find a more lasting happiness with one of the nine left. I wish you and him all the happiness, Hermione. My calling is to continue to fight He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named so that you and yours can live peacefully. I will keep you in my heart as I go. Always, Professor Severus Snape."
"Alright, boys, I think that's our cue," said Dean. He removed his shirt, and the others did the same. Hermione gasped, but they were all wearing shirts underneath. The shirts were black and said in green letters, "SNAPE'S ARMY."
Hermione squealed in delight. "That is awesome!"
"It was Neville's idea," said Ron.
"He was just so...badass. The way he just took charge. I'm not sure what would have happened if he hadn't been around," said Neville.
"Well, there you have it, folks. I'll let the real news handle the rest," said Gilderoy. "Be sure to join us all next week for the beginning of the second half of Hermione's journey to true love. One of the men sitting beside her today will be her husband. Who's it going to be? There's only one way to find out! See you next week, Bachelor Nation, and be safe!"
