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The next morning at breakfast, I sit across from Haymitch, glancing every few minutes at the doorway and hoping that Katniss appears soon. Just as soon as I dip a roll of bread into hot chocolate, she appears and takes a seat next to Haymitch. He grunts at her in greeting but she remains quiet, staring at the spread of food before us though not quite seeing it. She has a blank expression on her face and while I'd normally think nothing of it, the fact that her lips are pursed ever so slightly give me pause. I look up into her eyes and see the tumultuous storm brewing there; it's like she's mad, but she's also nervous and... sad?
Is she really sad or am I just really terrible at reading her? A blank expression, I've learned, is the norm for her. Angry and confused I can certainly understand. But sad? Something's not quite right here.
It's like she can feel my eyes on her because her eyes flicker onto mine for a moment, receiving a jolt of electricity direct to my heart. Not even a second later her eyes skitter away and I'm left feeling both anxious and mystified. I decide that I'm just overreacting. After all, didn't Haymitch advice me not to look at her for too long or talk to her? It's highly plausible that he told her the same. I feel my shoulders relax slightly and throw a quick look her way before continuing to eat breakfast.
She's impeccably dressed in a deep eggplant velvet dress with a gold paisley print. There's a panel of eggplant satin pleats on the bodice of her dress with little ruffles trimming the square neckline. Her hair is parted in the middle, the two front sections of her hair pinned back. The rest of it cascades down her back, shining curls that brush against her lower back. Decorating her earlobes are a pair of gold drop earrings with smoky amethysts that match her dress.
"Good morning, sweetheart," Haymitch drawls, buttering a piece of toast.
Katniss makes a soft noise at the back of throat, clearly avoiding eye contact with everybody.
I try not to look her way but fail miserably, feeling a strange need for her to look at me.
Something doesn't feel quite right. What's going on, Katniss?
I turn to look at Haymitch and see him glaring at me. I can practically read his thoughts to stop staring at her or to at least make it less obvious. I grin at him in response but he just rolls his eyes at me and goes back to picking apart the muffin that sits on his plate.
"Sleep well, Katniss?" Effie asks, taking a sip of coffee.
"Not particularly," she mutters, reaching out for a roll.
"Tsk tsk. What a shame. I have some pills that could help, if you're interested," she tells her, looking at Katniss over the top of her teacup. "Though I don't see how one couldn't sleep here. The bed makes you feel like you're sleeping on a cloud! Not to mention that there's attendants waiting on you hand and foot. Of course, I didn't expect less."
"Thanks," she murmurs noncommittally, taking a careful drink of her hot chocolate.
Haymitch watches her with narrowed eyes and I'm glad I'm not the only that noticed Katniss' odd behavior. I mean, it's rare even for her to be so quiet and withdrawn. I watch as Haymitch turns to her, undoubtedly ready to give her a good ribbing but something seems to catch his eye because they fall to her lap and even does a double take, eyes widening dramatically. I continue to watch him curiously, wondering what gauged such reaction.
"Katniss…"
It's rare that he calls us by our names. Something is definitely wrong.
She turns to him and sees that he's staring down at her lap, mouth hanging open. Katniss opens her mouth to speak but closes it as an afterthought. She swallows nervously and glances around the table, noticing that everybody's staring at her inquisitively. She finally turns to look at me, her eyes looking darker and smokier, probably because of the color of her dress. I watch as her eyes become strangely glassy and raise my eyebrows at her, as if to ask what's going on. She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment before slowly pulling her left hand into view.
I don't... understand. Did she cut herself? Is she holding something?
She finally holds her hand stiffly in front of her and I'm about to ask her what she's doing when a glint catches my eye. I lower my eyes to her hand, eyes widening as my mind struggles to grasp what I'm looking at. Resting on her ring finger is a hefty diamond, surrounded by what looks like flower petals.
"What is that?" I demand through numb lips.
"What is what?" Effie asks distractedly, patting the corner of her mouth daintily with a napkin.
"That big ol' sparkler on her finger," Haymitch says, staring at Katniss intently.
She, in turns, seems to be avoiding looking at him. Her eyes are zeroed in on me, a mixture of emotions swimming in them.
"Haymitch, what are you going on about? What sparkler?" she frowns, turning to look at him.
But before her eyes can glare at Haymitch, they lock on the sparkling ring on Katniss' finger. Her mouth drops and her eyes widen just as Haymitch's and she turns to stare at Katniss.
"Katniss! Oh, my! That's beautiful," she squeals, fanning herself with a glove-covered hand.
The corners of Katniss' lips curve up slightly and looks away from me to watch how Effie takes her hand to inspect the ring.
"I didn't know you had any suitors! My, oh, my! It looks extremely expensive," she gapes.
"President Snow, I mean… Coriolanus, proposed to me. Needless to say, I said yes," she answers primly.
My jaw hangs open as I stare at her in astonishment.
"He did what?" Haymitch gasps, looking outright shaken.
"He proposed to me, Haymitch. How much clearer can I make it?" she snaps.
"I wasn't aware that the President…" Effie trails off, looking at Katniss with newfound awe.
"Neither did I, Effie. It came as a complete surprise to me as well," she tells her, who looks misty-eyed at the sudden romanticism of it all.
"Congratulations, darling. I'll get started on your dress as soon as possible. Oh, you'll be on fire alright," Cinna smiles, though it doesn't quite reach his eyes.
Katniss gives him a weak smile and they continue to look at each other, communicating silently.
Portia offers her congratulations as well but soon I feel her hazel eyes watch me. Truthfully, it feels as if I've gone into shock. All I can do is stare at the ring in her hand while my brain attempts to process the reasons why Katniss would accept. The room feels like it's shifting all around me, so I hold on tightly to the edge of the chair.
"This is not the time or place, boy…" Haymitch whispers, shaking his head roughly at me.
President Snow proposed to Katniss and even worse… she accepted. Why would she accept? As far as I know, she detests the man. He's the one who forced her into prostitution after murdering her mother and sister. What is she playing at?
"No," I burst out loud, standing up in one swift move.
Everybody turns to look at me, looking politely puzzled at my outburst. I ignore their stares and keep my own eyes locked on Katniss. She's looking back at me, a tiny line creasing her forehead. I shake my head at her before throwing down the napkin on my plate and striding away before the accusations have time to fly from my mouth.
No, this can't be right. This simply isn't true. Why would she accept? Did he threaten her into it? Why else would she have agreed? That's it… that must be it. He blackmailed her into accepting his proposal. I honestly doubt he got down on one knee and asked her to marry him. No, Snow plans. Just like he told me… but when did she see him? Could it have happened after he spoke to me? But I should have seen her going into his office! This is madness. I can't let her marry that man. I must do something… but what? How can I save Katniss from a loveless marriage with that monster who calls himself a man?
I kick a stray pebble out of my way as I pace around the President's lush garden.
"Peeta?"
Her voice shakes me from my reverie and don't hesitate to turn around immediately.
"Katniss… surely you can't be serious," I sigh, taking a step towards her.
She stares at me with her hands clasped methodically before her, as if to show off her ring.
"I'm very serious, Peeta," she answers, taking a step back in turn.
I can only stare at her with bewilderment.
"You're okay with this?" I whisper disbelievingly.
"More than okay. I'm actually looking forward to marrying Coriolanus," she tells me with a shrug of her shoulder.
"But Katniss, he's a—"
"Coriolanus is a very misunderstood man. He simply wants what's best for his people," she answers uneasily, brushing her fingers against her skirt.
"Are you really defending him? Can you defend how he forced you to have sex with strangers?"
"If I hadn't defied him, then maybe my life would have turned out differently."
I let out a sharp laugh, unable to believe that the person I'm hearing is Katniss.
"You're blaming yourself. I can't believe it. This is absolutely ridiculous. Katniss, please come to your senses. You can't possibly live happily with him for the rest of your life," I tell her urgently.
"I can and I will. He offered me protection, Peeta. More than that, he insinuated that he can offer the rest of my family protection. You know, the Hawthornes," she says, raising her eyebrows significantly.
"But you are safe, Katniss."
"I am not, Peeta. I may seem safe to you, but what happened that other night... it could as easily happen again. You won't always be there to... defend me. Nor would I want to nor am I asking you to. I'm not some damsel in distress that you can just... save. As a result, he also promised he would stop… well, that I won't be a prostitute anymore. That's something I'm definitely looking forward to. I can't tell you just how exhausting it is, playing nice and coy and being passed around like some kind of toy," she says quietly, looking as though a burden has been lifted from her shoulders. "So not only will I be under his protection, but his riches will also be mine."
"Katniss, you've never struck me as the type of woman who thinks money is the most important thing in the world. Sure, with the victor money we receive we'll be able to live comfortably for the rest of our lives… but I'd think that would be enough," I frown, not wanting to to see her in a brand new light but starting to.
"That's where you're wrong, Peeta. For a long time in my childhood and adolescence, we had none. But now that I've been offered a comfortable position… I'm not going to turn it down. I'd be a fool if I had."
"I'm seeing and hearing it, but I can't quite bring myself to believe it," I say, shaking my head at her.
"It's not always fairy tales and happy endings, Peeta. This is real life," she tells me grimly.
"I'm aware of that, Katniss, thank you," I tell her curtly.
"I'm sorry. But it's for the best."
"I'm sorry, but it's not for the best," I say stubbornly.
"Maybe not for you," she says simply.
"I thought you cared for me," I whisper suddenly, an embarrassing yearning laced in my voice.
She swallows visibly and looks away from me, reaching out to brush her fingers on a white rose.
"Once again, you thought wrong. I was simply…" she sighs, looking strained for a moment. "I was simply attached to you because you're the only other person from home. But other than that, you hold no real meaning to me."
My expression falls while everything before me has become blurry; I can feel the hot tears in my eyes but I will myself not to shed them.
"You're simply an idea that I'd foolishly held on to."
I look down, feeling stung; as though my heart is hanging on a very thread.
"But now that I'll marry Coriolanus, I'll be moving here, of course. I probably won't be a mentor for the next Games and I've never been so relieved for that. I'll never have to face innocent children and get them ready for slaughter…" she breathes heavily, looking perturbed.
"No, now you'll just be one more person who supports the Games."
"You don't know what it's like, Peeta. You don't understand. But you will, soon. And while you may not agree with me now, you'll eventually comprehend my relief."
"I doubt I'll ever be able to commiserate with you, Katniss. Not ever."
"It's not my fault you've built me up into something I'm not," she glares at me.
A feeling of tightness grips my already shattered heart.
"I guess my love for you has merely been an illusion too," I tell her bitterly.
Her mouth opens slightly at my remark and stares at me. For a moment, I have a wild hope in my heart that she's behaving like this to push me away. Her lips quiver slightly and watch in strange fascination how tears gather in her lower lashes. But all too soon, she straightens her posture and looks away haughtily, whatever vulnerability she had shown seconds before now gone.
"What a shame," she tells me in a bored tone.
"Who are you? What have you done to Katniss?" I whisper, clenching my hands into fists.
"I'm the future First Lady of Panem, soon to be Katniss Snow. If you don't like it, then it's not my problem. It's yours," she hisses, narrowing her eyes at me.
I take a step back, my legs feeling like wood. The coldness is starting to reach my core and I fear what'll happen the moment it does.
"Katniss, please be reasonable. You would never, ever willingly marry that man. What did he do? Did he threaten you? I can help you but you need to let me in," I plead to her in a low voice, not quite willing to lose her yet.
Katniss' dark eyebrows rise with my words. She finally gives her head a small shake and starts to laugh unkindly.
"Oh, how precious! You're trying to save me. Again. Aww, Peeta. If your offer wasn't so ridiculous, then maybe I could take it seriously," she answers, smirking. "There's no need to save me. I've never needed a savior, Peeta. But thank you, it means a lot."
"You… you… you're vile," I tell her unthinkingly, looking at her with disgust.
Something shines in her eyes for a second but her expression falls slightly and shrugs her shoulders wearily.
"I've always been. You've just been too much a fool to see it," she tells me softly, looking away.
"I see it now. How wrong I was about you, Katniss. To think I loved you… that I even pitched in to sponsor you! Granted, it wasn't much but… I liked to think it helped you survive. It was all a mistake," I whisper indignantly.
I've clearly stumped her because her imperious demeanor falls at my confession.
"You… you helped sponsor me?" she asks meekly, clearly taken off guard.
"Yes."
"I… don't know what to say," she says quietly.
"I don't think speaking has ever been your forte, anyway. So save your words, Katniss. I want nothing from you. The day I leave this place won't come soon enough for me," I mutter, glaring at my surroundings.
Her forehead crinkles with concern and confusion, but keeps quiet. I turn around and start to make my way back to the mansion. But I stop suddenly, as if struck by an idea.
"Don't worry, Katniss. I'll make sure to stay out of your way. I don't want to witness any more defamation to the woman I thought I loved," I tell her, not bothering to turn around to face her. "You two definitely deserve each other."
I walk past Effie, Portia and Cinna, not even bothering to wipe the angry expression on my face. I notice they all go quiet when I pass by them but they don't call for me or ask me to stay. I stalk up to my room, feeling a strange sort of vindictiveness when I slam the door loudly behind me and lock it. I huff loudly, running my fingers through my hair in agitation.
I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. Of all the people in the world… why Katniss? I thought she was better than this… boy, was I wrong. What angered me the most is her trying to excuse that man! There is no justification for him sending innocent children to be murdered, all in the name of making an example to keep the districts in line.
It's childish, but I knock a lamp down and feel grim pleasure as I watch it shatter onto the carpet. I take my coat off and throw it on the floor, glaring down at the unobtrusive garment.
Yeah, let his attendants take care of that. Not like their children will ever be sent for massacre so a few cuts here and there will certainly be nothing to them.
I pace around the room, feeling my thoughts spin more and more out of control until I finally make myself sit down.
I thought you were better than that, Katniss… why? Did his power and riches really woo you? Did the thought of becoming the First Lady entice you further? I can't believe it… yet the proof is on your ring finger.
A sudden knock on my door tears me from my thoughts. I turn toward it, scowling at the person who dares intrude.
"Boy, let me in," Haymitch tells me gruffly, making sure to keep his voice low.
"I don't want to see anybody."
"Kid, I assure you, you want to see me."
"Haymitch, go away!"
"Teenagers," he mumbles. "Fine, I'll just wait out here to ambush you."
I let out a heavy sigh and stand up, muttering unkind words about my mentor under my breath. I swing the door open, glaring at him and feel satisfaction when I see his grin slide off his face. He glances around the room, his eyes traveling to the broken lamp and to the clothes I threw on the floor in my haze. I move out of the doorway and stomp into the room once more. I listen as Haymitch closes the door behind him, locking it just in case.
"Kid, calm down."
"I'm not a child, Haymitch!" I snap at him.
"Fine, you're not a child. But you sure are acting like one," he observes, crossing his arms.
I turn around and narrow my eyes at him.
"Aren't you supposed to be getting drunk somewhere? Preferably alone in your room?"
"Ouch, that stings, kid," he tells me with a roll of his eyes.
"Haymitch, seriously. What do you want? As you can see, I'm not in the best of moods," I say sharply.
"Let me guess… the girl caused this."
My scowl answers everything he needs to know.
"I wish I could be as indifferent to her as you are. 'The girl' has never sounded so appealing in my life," I mutter resentfully.
"I'm not indifferent to her. I just love her my own way," he shrugs. "She knows it well too."
"Well, good for you Haymitch."
"Kid, you need to take that attitude down a notch or two. I came here to help, in case you haven't noticed."
I remain silent, merely glaring at Haymitch.
"That's better. So…" he starts but stops himself short.
He looks around the bedroom suspiciously, as if aware that we're being monitored. So he goes into the bathroom and turns the shower on to its highest setting, to block out any sound. He beckons me to come inside and closes the door behind us once we're in.
"You never know who's listening," he murmurs nervously.
"It didn't occur to me to do this," I admit, glancing at the closed door.
"So… she's engaged. You really believe that she accepted happily?"
"That's not my problem, Haymitch. Katniss is a big girl."
"Don't let your emotions get in the way, Peeta! They'll just obscure you from seeing the big picture," he urges me.
I sigh exaggeratedly before turning to look at Haymitch once more.
"I've been obscured enough, Haymitch. I should have known better than to…" I trail off angrily.
"Stop right there. Don't you find it a little suspicious that she's engaged a day after Snow calls you into his office?"
I close my mouth, the retort I had ready dying on my lips.
"I honestly didn't think of that," I admit, embarrassment flooding my face.
"I can only imagine how he threatened you. If she barged into his office after you left, I don't think Snow appreciated that very much. So, in order to assert his dominance, he forces her to marry him. If she doesn't, he kills you," Haymitch speaks quietly.
I listen attentively, my anger and heartbreak slowly starting to fade away. Still, something in my chest throbs at Haymitch's words.
"He didn't threaten to kill me. On the contrary, he threatened to pimp me out like Katniss," I sigh, rubbing the back of my neck tensely.
"Yes, but it's obvious that he wouldn't tell her that, now would he?"
"But why would she behave so… unlike herself?"
"Your guess is as good as mine, boy. But I think she's doing it to protect you."
I scoff and look away, hardly daring to believe his words.
"She doesn't care about me, she said so herself. She only put up with me because I remind her of home."
"You're a smart kid. But did you really believe that? We all know that the girl's a terrible liar," Haymitch snorts, giving his head a quick shake.
"It sounded and felt real to me," I grumble uncertainly, crossing my arms.
"Of course it would! She's trying to keep you safe! If she doesn't then…"
"Then what, Haymitch? Snow pimps me out? He kills me?"
"She would never forgive herself, kid," he tells me somberly. "If something were to happen to you, she would blame herself until the day she dies."
I feel taken aback, unsure of what to believe.
Katniss' behavior certainly felt real, but Haymitch makes an excellent point. Doesn't he usually, anyway?
"I know you're confused. But just… try to keep an eye on her. You'll see for yourself that this isn't easy on her either. She cares for you, I know it. So to keep you safe, she pushes you away. It makes perfect sense. Wouldn't you do the same for her?"
Upon Haymitch's question, I feel stumped.
"I would, but I wouldn't push her away. I'd try to explain to her what would be for the best…"
"Since when has the girl ever explained anything?" Haymitch sighs, chuckling despite the awful situation.
"You're right, Haymitch. I don't know… this is all too much," I sigh wearily. "I just want to go home and paint."
"We'll be there soon enough, kid. We'll be there soon enough."
"But not before the announcement of their engagement, I bet," I grimace sourly.
"It has to be done. I bet you nobody's dreading it more than the girl. You know how she hates being the center of attention."
"Well, you've certainly given me enough to think about. Thanks Haymitch. Sorry about my rude words to you earlier. I was just—"
"Don't worry about it, kid," he says, clapping his hand on my shoulder. "But the next time you get cheeky with me, you'll be my drinking partner."
I groan, never having been one for alcohol. I see what it does to Haymitch and although it wasn't precisely his choice to start drinking, it's still a dreadful and addicting habit that's hard to kick.
"I'll be going now, before someone notices my absence."
"Okay, see you at lunch," I nod absently, standing up as well.
I turn the shower off and head back into the bedroom, picking up the chair I'd knocked over and sit down.
What if Haymitch is right? Is Katniss doing all this to keep me safe? I'm so confused. God, I can't believe I said those dreadful things to her. How did I manage to confess to her that I love her and then take it back in the same breath? How did I even dare say that she and Snow deserve each other? Am I not in love with her? What possessed me to judge her so harshly?
I look around the messy room and feel guilt gnaw in the pit of my stomach. I pick up the clothes I'd thrown on the floor, making sure to hang them neatly in the large closet. Next I pick up the pieces of the broken lamp carefully, making sure not to cut myself although I would rightfully deserve it if I did.
Katniss is right about one thing, though. I am a fool. Just when I think that things could be okay between us, a bomb is dropped. It feels like this will never end. Oh, Katniss… what's going on in that head of yours? Why can't you just let me in? Don't you see how much I love you? Are you really doing this to protect me? But can't you see that I'm just fine? You're the one that keeps getting in deeper and deeper. I'm well aware that you don't need a savior and that you're no damsel in distress, but I can't help it if my first instinct is to help you. If my death or being sold meant your safety, then I'd be all for it. Why must you be so stubborn? While your tenacity is something I admire, it's keeping you from letting the people who love you help you.
Things just keep going from bad to worse for Peeta, huh? :\
Thanks for reading! See you all on Friday. :)
