Forty-First Entry
Today it was Prince Lionel's turn to take Zelda riding. I don't know what it is about flouncing about on horseback that these princes think is going to make her fall in love with them. If that was all it took, then Zelda would have fallen for me a thousand times over. But who knows? Maybe it's something that works for princes.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how my life and duty will change should Zelda choose to marry. I suppose not much about my duty will be affected. I will still guard and attend to Zelda every day just as I do now. But will we still be close as friends? She will have a new duty to her husband so I doubt she will have much time to go riding or exploring the catacombs with me. And then there's the matter of the succession. She will be expected to have a child. Possibly several. I'll admit that thinking about this churns my gut. We are still barely out of childhood ourselves. Will Zelda's husband be supportive in the raising of their children? Will he give Zelda and their family the love and affection they require? Will he become the guardian of her happiness? I do not know. It is a matter that worries me greatly.
Addendum: Zelda came to my room again. I'm beginning to think the passage between our quarters was built for her own entertainment more than out of concern for her protection. She appeared at the dresser hauling a massive stack of documents. Before I could even ask what she was doing, she dropped them on my desk and pulled up an extra chair and said, "Help me with these." I told her that as a knight I really didn't have the knowledge or authority to be messing around with official documents, but she said, "Please. You've attended every meeting. You know just as much as I do." Then she handed me a pen and that was that.
It took about two hours with both of us working to get through the stack. I wonder what Princess Sophia would say if she were to witness a knight like myself doing the queen's work. It seems paying attention in those meetings paid off after all.
Forty-Second Entry
I told Zelda today that Prince Lionel and Prince Hubert are both after her hand. The two of them have been popping up to invite Zelda to do things together so frequently in the past several days that I couldn't keep my mouth shut any longer. Zelda surprised me when she said that she knew. She said that it was one of the reasons she'd been reluctant to become involved with Holodrum and Labrynna. She said that this was what she'd meant when she said foreign visits always turned messy. I asked her what she intended to do—if she intended to marry one of the princes—and she responded with a sigh deeper than any I have heard from her. She said that in all honestly she is not interested in wedding either of them at this time, but she knows she will likely end up with one of them eventually. She said that the longer she remains childless, the greater the risk to Hyrule. If she were to die with no heir to succeed her, then the line of the goddess would be broken and there would be no future Zelda to stand up to Ganon should he one day rise again.
I now wonder...if Zelda were to never have a child—if the line were in fact to be broken and Zelda's spirit was extinguished—would mine still persist? Would I be reborn into my next life to always chase after the spirit of my goddess only to never find her? To never know Zelda...imagining such a life makes my heart hurt. Would I know that she was missing or would I live out a normal life, never realizing that my soul once had a partner? Thinking about it makes me uncomfortable. I don't like it.
Forty-Third Entry
I am weary. I wish the delegates from Labrynna and Holodrum would go home so that things can return to how they used to be. It's been nearly a month now since Zelda's coronation and I miss being able to eat meals and take walks in the gardens and visit Castletown without princes popping up every ten minutes. I miss the days when Zelda and I traveled around Hyrule looking at Sheikah shrines and exterminating monsters. I miss not having to share Zelda with men who seek to one day take her away from me. I even find myself missing the Hyrule of a hundred years ago—the days when my parents were still alive and Zelda's father still ran the kingdom and Mipha and Urbosa and Daruk and Revali were still around. Back then, the world seemed so much simpler.
I have been visiting the catacombs more often lately. I find a measure of comfort in looking through relics of the past. One relic which I find myself often revisiting is the painting of the hero of Twilight proposing to his queen. I wonder how that version of me dealt with watching his Zelda marry another. Is it the curse of every hero to fall in love with his princess?
Could it be that that is why I am so opposed to the idea of Zelda marrying? Have I fallen in love with her?
Forty-Fourth Entry
This is going to sound very strange and out of the blue, but the princess Sophia asked me today if I would consider becoming her lover. I have only talked to her a handful of times and my social standing makes me a poor choice of consort so I was expectedly very surprised by her request. She explained that she is betrothed to a man she doesn't care for in the slightest and that the reason she came to Hyrule was to find a man to be her lover and cause a scandal to end her engagement. She said that was what she was trying to do when I had saved her in town. She'd thought the man I saved her from would be a good candidate, but he'd turned out to be a lowlife who only wanted to take her to bed. She said that she considered me a man of honor and the perfect choice to play the part of her forbidden lover.
This answers many questions I had pertaining to that night, but I'm still perplexed that she would think I could fill the part. I declined, of course. I am not at all interested in becoming involved in international drama. I asked her why she didn't simply tell her betrothed that she doesn't wish to marry him. She looked at me aghast and said that she couldn't possibly do that. She said that the matter isn't up to her. It was decided by their parents. Her only hope of getting out of it is to make herself unwedable by tarnishing her reputation. I find this very sad. It seems a universal thing to not give noble women a say in who they are to spend the rest of their lives with. I wish there was something I could do aside from aiding her in creating a scandal. To feel so trapped that you decide your only option of escape is to ruin your reputation...it's terrible.
Does Zelda also feel trapped? She seems to have already resigned herself to marrying either Prince Hubert or Prince Lionel. If it were up to her...would she allow herself to marry beneath her station?
Forty-Fifth Entry
I had another dream. I dreamt I was the hero from the painting. I was dressed in armor of red and gold and stood dutifully near the alter in an enormous chapel. I could tell right away from the flowers and banners and rows of guests seated in the pews that I was at a wedding. There was a man playing an enormous organ off to one side and young girls decorating the aisle with flower petals. As I watched, the the back doors opened and the queen whose face I'd long since memorized stepped out onto the aisle. She wore an exquisite gown of cream and held a bouquet of wildflowers. I watched silently as she walked slowly and regally toward the alter, and only as she drew near did I notice the man waiting there to receive her. Right as she was about to join him, her eyes caught mine. They were clear and blue and so much more beautiful than the painting could do justice. Her features were more angular and her hair a few shades darker, but I could see my Zelda in her face. We held gazes for a long time. I could read the apology in her eyes. I wanted to break stance and go to her, but I held firm. I woke up as she and her betrothed were saying their vows.
I wonder if my subconscious is trying to prepare me for what is eventually to come. Or could it be that the spirit of the Hero of Twilight is urging me to not let history repeat itself?
What a lofty concept. Look at me. All I write about these days is Zelda and marriage. It's not as though I will be left with nothing when she marries. I will still have Hyrule, the land that I love. The legends say that the first hero cared more for this land than any person had before or ever would in the future. It was this devotion that the goddess saw and chose to honor with a spirit that could continue to love and watch over it for all time. And here I am worrying more about my queen, that very goddess in mortal form, than the land I swore to love and protect. The spirit of that hero is surely weeping within me.
Welly, well, well. Just five more to go.
