Chapter 7 – Trust
I do not know what it is about you that closes
And opens; only something in me understands
The voice in your eyes is deeper than all the roses
Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands.
e.e Cummings
He'd been avoiding them since the confrontation with Kim, his visits to Jason had become less frequent but he didn't leave the hospital. The nurse would tell him when the others left or were busy, he could tell she didn't like doing it but it seemed that everyone that worked there knew what had happened. She had mentioned making up with them but he knew it wasn't that simple; they hadn't fallen out but Kim had expressed what all of them were no doubt feeling and Tommy couldn't bear to be around them because he felt so ashamed.
He looked through the doorway into the ICU, making sure they weren't there but the room was devoid of movement. The night was usually the best time for Tommy; the others went and stayed at their hotel but sleep was something Tommy couldn't seem to do. The ICU at night was relatively dark so that conscious patients could sleep but each bed had an individual light in case of emergencies and so the nurses and doctors could check up on them.
He slipped into the chair by Jason's bed and took up his usual position; holding his brother's hand and watching that bruised and scraped face for a sign of life. Every night and very day was a prayer, a prayer that he woke up, opened his eyes and looked at him. It was the reassurance that he was there, still alive and still Jason.
Somewhere I have never traveled, gladly beyond any experience; your eyes have their silence. In your most frail gesture are things which enclose me, or which I cannot touch because they are too near.
Tommy lay his head on the side of the bed, Jason was still here and it had been four weeks; weeks of silence and stillness. Four weeks of a world that had no end and no beginning; a world that stopped spinning and filled the world with whiteness. Tommy had never thought of life without Jason a life without his brother and his best friend, it was hard to do so now but what if that was the way it would be? He had never contemplated the emptiness that Jason could leave behind, what would his life have been like without his friend? The power rangers might have found a different leader but would they have been as good, and would they have accepted him as easily as Jason did? He had never forgotten that act of trust, the trust Jason had placed in him to be a part of their team and to be their friend. Trust went a long way, trust was what made you have faith and gave you friends, trust kept you beside a bed without hope; trust kept you believing.
The hand in his shifted. Tommy jerked his head up and watched in amazement as Jason's eyelids flickered and then slowly opened. There was confusion in them as though hazed from sleep and unsure of his surroundings; everything hurt.
Tommy was on the edge of his seat and gripping Jason's hand with both of his own. Jason's dark eyes focused on Tommy and he was sure that he saw relief in them; Jason gave his hand a squeeze.
"Oh thank God!" Tommy felt the tears rise, hot in the back of his throat. He watched as Jason's other hand came up uncertainly and touched the tube that traveled down his throat. "I'll get them to take it out." Tommy stood quickly but Jason's hand gripped his. "It's okay bro, I won't leave you long; I'll get them to take it out so you can talk. Trust me, okay?" The hand relaxed but Tommy could still see the worry.
He ran to the door as fast as he could, sticking his head round and calling to the woman by the nurses station, he thought her name was Susan.
"He's awake!" He said excitedly. "He wants the tube out, can you take it out?"
"He's awake?" She asked in surprise. At his nod she picked up the phone and sent out a call for a Dr. Morris who was another one of Jason's doctors. She sent another nurse, Cameron, with Tommy to check on Jason.
Upon reaching the bed Tommy took Jason's hand again and smiled reassuringly at his brother. He was still awake, still there and Tommy was relieved beyond words. Cameron checked Jason's vitals and smiled at Tommy's worried face.
"He's doing just fine." He said with a smile. "He's nice and stable." Dr. Morris swept in at that moment and with a broad smile approached the bed.
"Well Mr. Scott you pick a good time to wake up, a doctor has to tell his patients to rest not cause a fiasco in the middle of the night!" Tommy thought Jason tried to smile at that but winced as the tube shifted. Dr. Morris frowned and consulted the chart that Cameron gave to him. "Well you're stable so I suppose you'll be wanting that tube out." He turned back to Cameron. "It's a little earlier than I would like but from what I hear of Mr. Scott not taking it out would make him a little upset." He grinned again at Jason and Tommy, the latter had to repress his smile at the reproachful look Jason gave him; no doubt wondering what had been said about him. "Give him a dose of morphine," Dr. Morris continued. "And give him oxygen, since the tube's coming out. His heart rate's a little quicker than I would like but it's probably just the excitement." He turned and gave Tommy a warning frown. "Now don't you over excite him, no doubt he'll fall asleep soon which is good because I think it's high time you got some rest too."
Tommy gave an embarrassed smile to Cameron who had nodded in agreement with Dr. Morris, and watched as the doctor told Jason to cough on three and pulled out the tube. "Obs. every fifteen minutes," He continued to the nurse. "Keep me posted, I'll have my pager on and Dr. Matheson comes on at six, page him for a check up.
"How are you feeling?" Tommy watched Jason anxiously.
"Fine." Jason croaked. "I feel like I've been hit by a car." Tommy grimaced at that; Jason picked the wrong time for humour, but smiled again at Jason's grin.
"We were worried about you man."
"We?" Jason looked surprised. "You didn't go and make everyone panic by calling them did you?" He teased.
"Something like that." He replied; that was something to bypass for now. It seemed however, that even in his weakened state Jason was still perceptive.
"Did something happen?" He rasped anxiously.
"No," Tommy replied cheerfully, pretending to be surprised at such a suggestion. "No of course not, we were all worried that's all."
Jason smiled tiredly. "You guys always were good at worrying." Tommy just smiled back, content to just sit and stare at a man who had seemed lost. Jason yawned, his eyes flickering closed.
"I should go, you need some sleep." Tommy said.
"No," Jason grabbed his hand again, his eyes barely opening. "No, stay bro. It's good to have you here."
Tommy brushed Jason's hair from his face. "It's good to have you here too."
"Is she okay?" Jason suddenly asked, his voice laced with sleep.
"Who?" Tommy replied but there was no answer; Jason was asleep.
The silence was back but it was a silence filled with possibility; Jason would wake and talk again. The relief washed through Tommy; four weeks worth of sorrow, guilt and worry washed away by his tears. They fell hot and fast sliding down his cheeks like a flood, he was only aware of another presence when small arms wrapped themselves around him, holding him close. It was a bittersweet release, his body felt lighter as the pain was swept from his body; he hadn't realized how heavy it had all become. He hadn't thought he was able to lose it all, to lose himself and let go of everything; he'd been afraid before, afraid of losing himself to it and being overwhelmed. He had to be strong, for Jason for the others and for himself, he couldn't let go because then there would be nothing left to cling to.
Kim held him tight knowing that this was the first time Tommy had let himself feel. She held him like a child and told him how sorry she was; she hadn't meant it, she understood and she was always there for him. He was never alone.
Trust gives you friendship, gives you hope when before there wasn't any. Trust gives you faith in things, in people and keeps you waiting by a bedside in a white world of silence. There has to be something more to the world, more to this life than what we can see; there is something out there that keeps you going. A world is only a world, a place to keep you safe and keep you from feeling too much. A barn is only a barn and salvation is only needed when all else is lost. A whisper; is merely a softly spoken word. A star is only a star but a star can lead you; a star is a path, a prayer; a star is something to trust. Trust keeps you believing.
