Location: Paris

Time: 4:40AM

McKenzies P. O.V

Paris is beautiful this time of year and this time of night. The eiffel tower illuminates Paris beautifully. Right now I'm stood out on my hotel room balcony wearing a pair of denim shorts and a oversized jumper that hangs off my shoulder, my hair is brushing across my shoulders in the light breeze. This would be the perfect evening if I was with the man I love. I haven't been sleeping properly since I entered the program 3 months ago. The most I sleep is 3/ 4 hours a night or whenever I can. Whenever I try to sleep my mind drifts back to memories when I was still Elena.

McKenzie Barton is a completely different person to Elena Miller, but I guess that's the point. Elena Miller was a badass, biker chick with a traumatic past and who wore dark clothing, leather jackets, combat boots, that kind of person. But McKenzie Barton is basically the exact opposite. She wears bright colored clothing, heels, dresses, smart looking outfits, that kind of stuff. To hide my identity even more I was advised to colour my hair blonde and wear coloured contact lenses. I have to push down all my natural instincts just to hide Elena and I hate it.

Eric checks in on me every week but I rarely see him, it's for my 'safety'. I know that he's in the same area as me just not exactly where. I thought I was coping with being in the program and away from home but I'm struggling, really struggling. I miss my home, I miss my family, I miss Spence; I just want this to be over, I wanna go home...

-

"Maybe you should take a piece of advice from a man who has pushed away every chance of happiness because it was never enough. If it's within your grasp, if you know where it is and who it's with, then you should run to it, grasp it and never let it go.

-Robert Carlyle"

Reid's P.O.V

The things at Rossi's is a casual thing so for a change I was wearing a plain t-shirt, a pair of black jeans and my back converse. As if like clockwork at 7PM on the dot there was a knock on my Apartment door. So I put my jacket on, grabbed my keys and phone before opened it the door. As expected Morgan was stood there, when he saw me he said

"Hey kid, ready to go"

"Yeah" I stepped out of my apartment and locked the door behind me before following Morgan downstairs.

As we walked down the stairs he said

"So, everything okay at home" I put my hands in my jacket pockets and replied

"Yeah, Garcia has been looking after stuff whilst I've been at yours" he sighed and said

"That's not what I meant Pretty Boy" I stopped and said

"I know but… look we're gonna end up talking about her later can we just wait until then"he patted my shoulder and said

"Whatever you say Kid"

—-

When we arrived at Rossi's, Hotch's and JJs cars were outside. Garcia thought it'd be a good idea for us to meet up outside of office hours just so we could talk. Elena's death has hit all of us hard but unlike last time we've all decided not to bottle things up. Last time I shut everyone out and It nearly killed me, I was so close to going back to Dilaudid but Morgan noticed i was acting weird and did something about it.

Anyway when rossi let us into his home JJ came over and hugged me whilst saying

"Hey Spence, you doing okay?"

"I'm okay, JJ.

"Promise?"

"Promise" she pulled out of the hug and smiled at me just before Rossi brought a drink over. A few moments later Garcia arrived. We chatted for a while before Rossi called us al outside to eat. He made us a traditional white sauce lasagna and some fresh homemade garlic bread, and prepared some salad to have as well. It was really nice.

About an hour after dinner we moved to the end of the garden and are currently sat in a circle around a medium sized Bon-Fire. I was sat with my legs crossed, JJ and Garcia were sat next to me just encase I broke down. I'd been fine all evening but now i know that we're about to talk about her and i don't know how to react. Garcia broke the silence by saying

"OKay, we all agreed that this would be good for us. We need this. So who wants to go first" we all went quiet again but then Emily spoke

"I only knew her for a couple of months before the Kol case, and in that short time it was nearly impossible to miss how protective she was over you. It really surprised and then found out how old she was and i was impressed, really impressed. The first case i worked with her on, i'll never forget the way she saw things at the crime scene that no one else did. No one will ever be able to replace her on this team, or beat her records in the academy" i smiled a bit as she reminded me that Elena holds all the course records at the academy and just kept improving her scores.

Next was Hotch

"She never stopped impressing me. I started to think that one day she'd take over being Unit chief and she would have been great at it. Gideon taught her to be the best agent she could. With her skill set she was offered so many other jobs, in other departments of the buero or branches of government. She turned the al down just to keep this team from being split up. I know that she had higher up connections in the buero and i think that's why she never really got penalised everytime she broke procedure. She alway hated authority but that's just who she was. She was one of the best agents i've ever worked with"

Then Rossi

"I first met Elena when she was 5 years old, she was one of my first child abuse cases. After she was handed over to social services i wish i had check record of what happened to her. I didn't even realise she was the little girl until we had to go through her foster care records. When i did find out i felt so guilty because of all the horrible things she went through but then she reminded me that if she hadn't gone through what so did, she wouldn't have joined the FBI and our lives would have been very different. Elena Miller will go down in BAU history as one of the best agents but she was a better friend"

The JJ

"When i first met Elena, i honestly thought that she was an intern or assistant for someone in the buero. I didn't think someone that young could have so much experience dealing with criminals. I must have known her for about a week before i was told by Hotch that she was an agent. I was so embarrassed because i asked her to do a coffee run….. The first time i saw Elena in action, i was astounded by her knowledge depth and how well she dealt with everything, she didn't even flinch at the crime scene photos. She wasn't your conventional FBI agent and i guess that worked for her but no one will ever be able to replace her on this team. She was more than a friend, she was my sister"

The Garcia

"Elena always knew how to make me smile, even when we had really tough cases, she would always light up a room. I know that me and her are basically polar opposites but we clicked. She'd always make me feel better about myself and never judged me when i went to her with a problem. One day i was really upset about something and i called Elena. To make me feel better she told me something that Gideon once told her 'Believe in yourself. You are braver than you think, more talented than you know, and capable of more than you imagine'. Those world will stay with me forever

And finally Morgan.

"Elena always said she hated it when i called her Princess but i knew, she loved it. From the moment i met her i knew she had a tough past, like me. I don't know what it was maybe it like look in her eyes, the tough exterior, the struggle to let people in. i don't know. But one day that all changed, it must have been just shy of her first year at the BAU when Gideon introduced us to the boy wonder" i looked up at him as he continued. As he started speaking again he was speaking directly to me this time

"That look in Elena's eyes, i think that was the only time i've ever been able to profile her. I knew that one day you two would end up together. I am so sorry that you lost her again and i know you don't want to admit it but you are struggling with this. Just talk to us please. Just talk to us this time, Spencer, it's what Elena would want you to do"

I stayed silent for a few minutes before saying quietly

"It's like you're screaming but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it's over and its gone, you almost with that you could have all that back so you can have the good. Sometimes have an eidetic memory really suck, i can remember everything she said, everything she did, all the good, all the bad. Absolutely everything. Whenever my mind slips into a memory my heart break into a million pieces over and over again. I loved her so much and now she's gone, again. The only difference is this time i can't do anything to bring her back"

I quickly wiped my tears away before saying

"I… i need help" Hotch then said

"Where is it?" i didn't meet his eyes as i pulled out a small vile from my jacket and placed it on the table. JJ instantly wrapped her arms around me and whispered

"Spence" Garcia wrapped her arms around me too. I took a breath and said

"I thought i was coping but you're right, i'm not. What makes this tim so much worse than before is that i finally admitted that i loved her and she loved me back. The crazy thing is I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again, but I don't know if I should…..