The Heart of the Matter
by LindaInDC
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction based on Castle, the ABC show, also owned by Andrew W. Marlowe and other cool, brilliant people. I do not own the characters, but have written this work with no intent to gain profit from it. It is for reading enjoyment only. The story, names and places are fictional, and any similarities to real persons, places and events are purely coincidental.
Thank you for reading, providing reviews and favoriting/following this story. You all are amazing.
Note: July 24, 2016- this is not additional chapters in this update. I am just breaking down this one massive post into smaller ones allowing a chapter per page.
A great big note of thanks to Sass, who helped me with her magical doctor powers to square away the clinical side of this story. I wanted to do this justice, without writing a clinical textbook.
Chapter Seven
"So, let me make sure I have this correct. You and your partner, Mr. Castle, celebrated a closed case with colleagues, had too much to drink and woke the next day married. Is that correct?" Dr. Burke asked, his face impassive and calm, despite the news he had just heard.
Kate sat across from her therapist, listening to him recap the events that had transpired. "Yes."
Burke took notes in his book, then looked up to ask, "What went through your mind when you discovered that you were married?"
"Well," Kate began, "I was confused at first. We were both hungover from the night before, and were trying to put the facts together."
"And then?" The therapist asked.
"I was disappointed." The detective replied tentatively. She looked at her hands as she thought out the events.
Burke leaned forward slightly, "Disappointed? At what, exactly?"
Kate paused before replying, "I couldn't believe that we had done that. I was disappointed in myself for losing control and doing something that I thought I'd never do."
The therapist commented, "You've expressed in other sessions that you had feelings for your partner. You said you would never do what you did. Did you find it impossible that you would ever see yourself in a position to advance a relationship with him?"
"I…don't know. But I wasn't thinking I'd be married, at least not then!" Beckett exclaimed, frustration building in her voice.
Burke jotted a note in his book, then returned to questioning. "So what is the status of your marriage now?"
"Castle and I met with his attorney to determine if it was legal. It was. I wanted to file immediately to terminate the marriage."
Burke nodded, "And did you file?"
Taking a deep breath, Kate replied, "No. Castle wants me to think about this. He thinks we should be together and he thinks that keeping this marriage would force us to face the idea of being together." Kate rose and began pacing behind the chair.
The therapist looked intrigued, "So it would seem. You seem agitated, what are you thinking about his idea?"
"Castle is just being difficult. We talked a bit about this. We argued and he asked me to leave. We spoke again the next day, and I agreed to wait until he came back from a book tour so we could think and talk about the possibility of us having a future together." Kate let out a self-deprecating laugh at the end of the reply.
"Why the laugh? You seem a little resentful at the plea from your husband." Burke commented.
"He's not my husband!" Kate replied, anger laced with the words.
"Legally, he is your husband." Burke clarified. "But let's go back to the conversation you had. What made you agree with his request?"
Kate wasn't proud of the events that transpired. Her head was bowed, and she didn't make eye contact as she spoke. "I said some hurtful things, and he looked…he looked like I had slapped him. He was just so bright, so…hopeful. I couldn't…" She paused.
"Couldn't what?" The therapist prompted.
"I couldn't accept that from him. I'm afraid…I'm not ready. I'm afraid of losing him as a friend, as my partner. I don't want that to change." Tears flowed slowly down the detective's cheeks as she began to release emotions associated with the events she related.
"Kate, I know you say that you don't want your relationship with Mr. Castle to change, but, without sounding trite, nothing stays the same. Every relationship, friendship, every partnership changes with time and events that make up our lives. The events that took place this week have already changed how you and he see one another. You have to decide how to take that change, and what you want in your life, given that you are on new footing with him."
Beckett's closed her eyes, forcing tears to flow harder. She and Castle would never be the same, it's true. But she couldn't lose him, and if she didn't think this through carefully, she could do just that.
Burke paused a moment, letting Kate process what they had discussed, before continuing. "Kate, we have talked in earlier sessions about the wall that you have around yourself. Do you see Castle as someone who could ever find his way behind that wall?"
Kate returned to her chair as she thought over her reply, "I told him once that I had to be able to knock down that wall before I could have the relationship I wanted, be the person that I wanted."
The therapist, his voice calm and relaxed, asked, "Are there any circumstances where you would feel that someone in your life could help you take down that wall?"
Kate was silent for a long moment, before she replied, "I haven't ever considered that. I've always thought that I had to do it alone, and then I could have someone."
Carter Burke smiled as he replied, "For this week, I would like you to consider that question. Think about the possibility of someone helping, and what qualities they would need to possess. Then think about ways that you two could work together on the change."
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Alexis Castle slowly walked to the glass door of her father's hospital room. She knew most of the staff already in the Cardiac ICU, and had his treatment schedule committed to memory, as well, over the last week and a half. There had been so many changes in his condition, at first, it seemed they would lose the writer. Now, it seemed that he was beginning to see more positive changes, as Rick had been removed from the ventilator just a few days ago, and was placed once again on a pressurized oxygen mask, resting just over his face.
A tall man in dark green scrubs stood at her father's bedside, providing a breathing treatment. Keegan, as he introduced himself, was a respiratory therapist assigned to Richard Castle, and seemed to have a pleasant bedside manner. Rick quietly complied with the man's basic instructions regarding his breathing treatment, and his eyes grinned in relief when he saw his daughter as she made her way to the foot of his bed.
There had been so much that had occurred over the last days to help Richard Castle in his fight for life and recovery. Alexis and her Grandmother had slowly begun to get used to seeing the effect on the once effervescent writer in various stages of advanced medical support. In addition to his oxygen, Rick had wires attached to his chest in various places, IV lines running into his upper chest and another in an artery in his arm, a catheter connected to a bag that drained urine from his bladder, and other sensors and monitors that measured vital signs, and overall patient condition. A pair of vinyl-looking boots were attached to either leg, applying pressure at random times to his legs to help prevent blood clots. Several devices had a hum or whirr of its own, that when combined made an odd type of white noise that Alexis actually found relaxing.
The most disconcerting thing that Rick's family had to face was the ECMO device. It was basically a large clear set of lines that came out from a machine and ran up his left side, over his head and connecting to the right side of his neck. This device carried the blood out of and back into his body, essentially providing the wherewithal to remain alive. The blood was visible through the lines, and it was indeed daunting to see it connected to a loved one. Alexis was grateful that the device had just been removed from her father, as he was sedated while on it. Now, since he was more alert, she could interact with him a little more, although he was still so weak.
"Mr. Castle, I am finished with you for now. I'll be back in a couple hours to check in on you again." Keegan informed, his voice a silky Scottish brogue, exotic in it's delivery. Any other time, and Alexis would have considered flirting with the young, handsome man, but given the stress and the situation, it never even crossed her mind.
Rick nodded and the man departed, leaving his daughter in his line of sight. He looked weary, fatigued and pale. Alexis spoke as she saw him trying to welcome her. "Dad, rest your voice. Your throat is probably a bit sore from the ventilator tube. Just nod yes or no, ok?"
Rick nodded "Yes."
"Good," Alexis began. "Would you like some ice chips?"
Yes. Alexis scooped a couple small slivers of ice with a spoon and placed them at her father's lips, as he held up one edge of the oxygen mask.
"Are you in any pain?"
"No."
Alexis began, "We are holding down the fort and have let Gina and Paula know your status. We call every other day to give an update. Nothing has been shared with the press, other than you had a conflict and would reschedule the tour."
"Yes."
"So don't worry about anything, just focus on resting and getting better so we can get you home. I love you, Dad." Alexis said to her father, a small, brave smile filled her face, trying to convey confidence to her father.
"Yes."
Rick, looking at his daughter, mouthed "I love you, Pumpkin".
The interaction had nearly wiped him out, and Alexis could see he needed to rest. "Grams and I are here with you, and we'll come back in later. Get some more rest."
Rick did not have the energy to do more than smile lightly, so he did, as Alexis turned to leave his room.
Rick was tired, but sleep did not come. He closed his eyes, and allowed his mind to drift back across the thousands of miles that separated him and Kate. He knew that she would be hurt that he didn't tell her of his condition. But, frankly, the few days before he had gotten ill, he had begun to think about all that had happened. He just could not wrap his mind around the fact that he had actually married Kate Beckett.
He couldn't blame Kate for wanting to end things, but he just wanted to make her stop and think before just tossing the marriage aside. Before tossing him aside. Her main theme was that she wasn't ready. But his concern ran through his mind, Would she ever be ready? Did she really want to be ready, or at least ready for him?
His emotions got messy when he thought about his "wife". She was so determined she was right, and she was clearly hiding something from his as to what was keeping her from seeing the possibility that they could be wonderful together.
Kate said she didn't want to lose him as her partner, but she didn't realize that by denying her feelings for him, she had hurt him, and things couldn't just go back like they were.
But the grand slam of the day was the fact that he had gotten ill. His life was literally upended. He knew he was quite ill, but as he had been out of it, he hadn't really spoken to the doctors to learn what had happened, beyond the information they shared when he first got in the hospital. But, his gut told him, that based on all the stuff attached to him, and the fact he was so weak, it had to be serious. And if that were the case, then it might just be that the whole wedding thing would very well just be rendered moot anyway.
####
Alexis made her way back out of the unit, down the hall and into the waiting area occupied by her Martha. The family Matriarch smiled as she welcomed the young woman into her arms for a hug. "How is he?" she asked her Grand Daughter.
Alexis slid into the chair beside the woman as she replied, "He's more awake, but he just looks so ill. He looks like he's just so pale and exhausted. I told him that Gina and Paula were being updated every other day and not to worry about anything but getting rest and recovering."
"Good dear. That way he won't worry since he knows that they are handling things. How are you holding up, kiddo?" Martha asked her, as she dried a stray tear from the younger Castle's cheek.
"I'm tired, but ok. I know we can't spend much time with him, but I am glad we can see him." Alexis stated plainly.
"Me too." Martha agreed. "But we need to go to the hotel, get cleaned up and take a nap. The staff have our information if we are needed. But we have to look out for ourselves too. We have to be at tip top shape when it comes time to get him that new heart."
Alexis didn't want to leave her father, but she knew that Grams was right. "OK, if you think it's alright."
Martha hugged her again, trying her best to share comfort with her, "I do."
Taking a moment before leaving, Martha could hold her curiosity in no longer. "Darling, your father has been in love with Katherine for a while now. I know that he wanted to tell her how he felt. What ever could have happened that he felt the need to keep this from her? I mean, even if she was still only a work colleague, they seemed close enough that this would be important to share with her."
Taking a deep breath, Alexis shook her head as she replied, "I don't know, Grams. He told me that something had happened. He said that he didn't know if they would be able to fix it this time. So, whatever it was, he seemed really down, like he was hurt. It must be serious if he felt that it was over for them."
Martha looked stricken. "Oh dear, I can't imagine what happened either. But I hope that he will reconsider letting his friends in from the precinct. Perhaps I could let Detective Ryan know?"
"Grams, I don't think so." Alexis commented.
"Why? He has to know that they would like to know!" Martha was stymied at the secrecy.
Alexis answered, "Think about it. He doesn't want Beckett notified. If you call Detectives Ryan or Esposito, or even Dr. Parrish, they are going to feel obligated to tell her. That would go against Dad's wishes."
Martha thought then replied, "I guess he knows his reasons. It pains me to shut them all out, given all they have gone through together. I just hope that at some point, he'll let them in. He's going to need all the love and support he can get. I have a feeling that this is only the start of this journey."
Alexis stroked the arm of the elder woman, trying to provide some level of comfort, as she replied, "His reasons are just that - his. I know that it seems sometimes that the best thing is to jump in and help, even if he doesn't like it, but I think that he needs to work this out on his own. Hopefully, it will give him something to focus on while he recovers."
Martha turned her head towards her granddaughter, pride showing on her face. "How did you get to be so wise, my dear?"
Alexis hugged her as she answered, "Just plenty of experience living with and loving you two. Somebody had to be the grownup!"
It was the first time in days that the two had shared any laughter, and it felt like a balm to their souls.
To be continued...
