Seek and Go Hide
part seven


The phone rang insistently. Jack glanced at the caller ID and saw that it was Greg calling for a third time that night. He decided to let the call go to voicemail. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to Greg; he just didn't want to talk to him right now. Odds were he just wanted to talk about the new operating system he had installed in one of his computers. How anyone could talk about computers like they were English literature or even football was beyond Jack. When they had started dating three weeks ago, One week after that last fight with Doug Jack reminded himself, he had found the computer talk kind of endearing or so he told himself now. He thought maybe it was a nervous tick - a way to fill the awkward silences. But no, Greg really loved computers. Loved them they way most people loved their friends or their pets and that baffled Jack.

Jack had met Greg one night at Mollye's Market Café; it was the kind of meeting that was full of promise.

------------------------------

Jack sat at his favorite table - the one by the window - and drank his coffee. The newspaper was spread in front of him but he couldn't really seem to focus on it for more than a few moments at a time. He was staring out the window wondering what he should get Jen for Christmas this year when a smooth voice interrupted his reverie.

"Mind if I sit here?"

Jack looked up to see a handsome, albeit somewhat short, blonde man in a navy blue parka smiling down at him. Jack glanced around the nearly empty café and heard himself say, "But there are plenty of empty tables…"

"Where's the fun in that?" asked the stranger casually. "I mean if I'm intruding just say so, but to the untrained eye it looked like you were just staring out the window practicing your forlorn look."

"I wasn't..." Jack began

"So can I sit?" interrupted the man.

"Sure. Why not?" replied Jack as he scrambled to get the newspaper out of the way.

"My name's Greg by the way."

"Jack."

"Nice to meet you. You from here?"

"The short answer is yes," answered Jack.

"And the long answer?"

"Is really boring. You aren't from Capeside I take it. So what brings you to our fair burg?"

"Christmas shopping. My mom collects weird Christmas ornaments and I heard that Capeside had a good selection so I swung on over. I'm originally from Sandwich but I live in Hyannis now so I'm not really far. Nice little town you got here. What's your name again?"

"Jack," he repeated wondering if maybe he was having coffee with a crazy person.

"Jack right. Nice to meet you Jack. I know already said that but I'm supposed to repeat someone's name as soon as I meet them. I've got a memory thing when it comes to names. But ask me anything about Apple computers and I remember it all. Model. Year. Processor Speed. OS. Bugs. Code names. You name it. Some say it's a lack of priorities."

"You work with computers?"

"Yeah. I'm a network administrator and a hobbyist software designer. Also a general geek. What about you? What do you do?" asked Greg.

"I'm a teacher here at Capeside High."

"Really? My mom is a teacher. She teaches feminist poetry at Harvard. And she's a lesbian."

"What? I mean really?" Jack tried to play it cool and failed miserably.

"Yeah, she kind of famous for her lesbian feminist poetry gatherings."

"Is it hard for you having a Mom…like that?"

"Die hard feminist you mean? Naw, it's not too bad - though she's not much fun to take to the movies. She's always yapping about the sexual exploitation of young Hollywood and stuff like that. You get used to it. Or did you mean the lesbian thing?"

"Actually, yeah, the lesbian thing was what I was getting at."

"Well, she's been gay my whole life and then I've been gay almost my whole life so, really it's worked out pretty well," Greg shrugged and laughed a little.

"You're gay?"

"Uhmm, yeah." Greg said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "You too right?"

"How did you..?" asked a genuinely puzzled Jack.

"Please. Look at your coat and your bag - both too stylish to be anything but queer. See also: your haircut. Plus I'm pretty intuitive." Greg smiled and leaned in closer to Jack, "So are you seeing anybody?"

"You're really forward," laughed Jack leaning back just a bit.

"How sweet - you noticed! I just go after what interests me. Carpe diem. Life's too short. Grab the bull by the whatever. Eat your greens. Wait that last one isn't right…" Greg shook his head feigning confusion.

"No," said Jack suddenly, "I'm not seeing anyone. Not at the moment."

"Great. Want to go to dinner with me?"

"When? Tonight?"

"Why not? What have you got around here that's tasty, besides the high school teachers that is?"

Jack and Greg did go to dinner that night. Greg was full of energy and could talk at length about most anything. Though he does talk a lot about computers, thought Jack. Over the course of the meal, Greg made his interest in and attraction to Jack very obvious. Jack was flattered by the attention and affection. After all the awkward and uncomfortable time he had spent with Doug, being with Greg was a breath of fresh air.

So what if Greg doesn't make me tingle the way Doug does? And he's good-looking, maybe not Doug good-looking but Doug was maybe too handsome anyway. Jack's thoughts quickly ran away from him, but I never zone out when Doug talks about work. And Doug doesn't slurp his drink like that. And Doug's blue eyes, when he looks at me, I feel it in the tips of my fingers and down my spine…Stop it! Doug doesn't want anything to do with you. Greg does. Greg's a nice guy. He's perfectly nice. And he likes you. Snap out of it! Jack forced himself to pay attention to what Greg was saying.

"…What they don't seem to understand is that this is a huge jump. It's like when we went from OS 9 to OS X. I mean that was huge! But this is like ten thousand times bigger. And yeah there are problems. The refresh is slower than it should be…" Greg kept up his tirade, gesturing for effect and apparently enjoying himself quite a bit.

Well I guess I didn't miss anything thought Jack as he drank his wine and nodded. He hoped the look on his face conveyed both interest and understanding despite the fact that both were in short supply at the moment.

When they left the restaurant a little while later, Jack was trying to decide his next move. Should he ask Greg over? Did he want Greg to come over? Did Greg want to come over? Stepping outside, Jack was shocked when he saw Doug directly across the street. Doug was putting a ticket on an old green Nova that was parked in front of a fire hydrant. Jack froze in his tracks and stared at Doug.

"So Jack? Now what? Your place?" purred Greg his warm breath tickling Jack's ear.

Seeing Doug turn, aware that Doug was about to see him and Greg standing there, Jack turned and smiled at Greg and said, "Sounds perfect." And then he bent down slightly and kissed Greg hard on his mouth. Greg responded by wrapping his hands around the back of Jack's neck and deepening the kiss. Jack felt his body responding even as his heart froze over. When he broke the kiss, he looked up and sure enough, saw Doug gaping at them from across the street. Jack's frozen heart gave a little shiver but Jack ignored it. Taking Greg's hand he said softly, "Come on…" and in his mind he finished the sentence before I change my mind.

------------------------

That night, Jack and Greg began their relationship and it had continued, following more or less the same pattern over the next three weeks. They'd go out somewhere, have a pleasant time, go back to one of their places, have sex and then, who ever needed to drive home, did just that. They didn't talk about spending the night. They didn't use words like love. They didn't have big dramatic fights. It was what it was. And as time went by, Jack wasn't sure that it was what he really wanted.

Jen encouraged Jack to take his relationship with Greg to the next level. Even though she hadn't yet met him, Jen was very pro-Greg. Or rather she was very anti-Doug. "Doug played with your emotions Jack. He's a heart-fucker. I have no patience for people who hurt others for sport. And you shouldn't either. You just need to let your guard down, and open yourself up and this thing with Greg will be great," said Jen during one of their regular phone calls.

Jack tried to explain to her that he thought that there was more to it than hurt feelings and emotional walls but Jen just wouldn't hear of it. "Give him a real chance Jackers. For both your sakes."

Well, she'll meet Greg when we go up there for Christmas next week and then maybe she'll see understand, thought Jack.

The whole situation was difficult for Jack because he really did like Greg. He was a good guy. Jack just didn't exactly trust his own motives for getting into this relationship. He knew he kissed Greg that night to hurt Doug. Would he have kissed Greg that night if Doug hadn't been there? Jack honestly didn't know - he might have. Or he might not have. And therein lay the crux of the situation. Take Doug out of it - how do I feel? wondered Jack. He honestly just didn't know. And that didn't seem fair to Greg. Jen's words came back to him: He's a heart-fucker. I have no patience for people who hurt others for sport. Jack was afraid that this time the words were meant for him.

-----------------------------

Doug was running. Running fast. Running hard. He could feel the sweat run down his chest, his back, and his legs. He wiped his eyes as his vision blurred but he kept running. Arms and legs pumping, sand flying out from under his feet, Doug pushed himself harder. A little farther. A little faster he told himself. He had a vague feeling that something or someone was behind him but he gave the idea almost no thought. His breathing was becoming ragged and he struggled to keep the pace he had set. A little farther. A little faster.

Suddenly Jack appeared beside him, running easily. Jack smiled at Doug and Doug felt his heart swell with happiness. He didn't know how Jack had found him here but he was delighted that he had. Doug opened his mouth to say something to Jack and found that he couldn't speak. His breathing was all wrong. He gasped and his gait faltered. Jack just kept smiling and running easily. He pulled ahead of Doug slightly and motioned for him to catch up. Doug tried, but it seemed the harder he tried, the further back he fell. The sand under his feet was so soft and viscous that he couldn't move very well. He stumbled and struggled but continued to fall further and further behind.

Jack kept going. For a minute he turned around and ran backwards. He looked at Doug, still smiling kindly, and then he laughed a little and shook his head. He shrugged and gestured that he had to go. Jack turned back around and ran down the beach and away from Doug. Doug tried to call out but it was impossible - his lungs felt like they were collapsing. Jack got smaller and smaller and then was gone. Doug had never seen someone run that fast. Looking down, he realized he was almost knee deep in sand. He struggled in vain to extricate his legs from the clammy, gluey sand that seemed determined to draw him down into it. It was unbearable being trapped like this. He yanked and wrenched, desperate to free himself. Suddenly, he felt himself lose his balance. The sand came rushing up to his face as he toppled over. Scared, he felt the sticky, gritty, cold sand work its way into his mouth and down his throat. Panic overcame him then.

Gasping and coughing, Doug awoke with a start. Not again. He sat up in his bed and switched on the lamp. He was sweating like crazy and he could still almost feel the sand in his throat. He shivered convulsively. He reached for the glass of water he now routinely kept by his bed and took a deep drink. He felt the claustrophobic waves of panic and fear begin to recede only to be replaced by misplaced adrenalin. He glanced at the clock. 4:37am. The worst possible time thought Doug. Too early to get up. Too late to go back to sleep.

Doug scrubbed his hands through his hair, pulled his knees to his chest and tried to shake the dream off. This was not the first time he'd had this dream. In fact this was probably the tenth or eleventh time he'd had it. But familiarity didn't make it any more pleasant. It didn't take a genius to interpret his dream and Doug felt he truly understood what it was his subconscious was trying to tell him. Quite frankly, he wished his subconscious would just shut the hell up and let him get a decent night sleep.

Doug knew there would be no more sleep tonight however. He got up and shuffled into the kitchen. He clumsily filled the coffee pot and turned it on. In the past three weeks, Doug had grown extremely fond of and dependent on his coffee. He yawned and stretched as he watched the coffee maker do its thing. When it was finally finished, Doug poured himself a jumbo cup and headed into the living room. He sat on the couch and stared into space as he drank the still-too-hot-to-drink-really coffee. He felt the heat move through him and felt the caffeine hit his bloodstream and he started to perk up. Is this dream going to haunt me for the rest of my life? Doug wondered a little bitterly. Ever since that night he had seen Jack kissing that guy, Doug had been having the dream every couple of days. The memory of that day still made him kind of queasy…

-----------------------------

Doug was at work and feeling better than he had in a while. He hummed a song under his breath as he did paperwork. He would be going out on patrol in an hour or so and he wanted to get this stuff done.

"Excuse me Sheriff Witter?"

"Yes? What can I do for you Marie?" Doug politely asked the receptionist.

"This came in the mail for you. It looks personal so I didn't open it," said Marie as she laid a brightly colored envelope on his desk.

Glancing at the handwriting on the envelope, Doug smiled and said, "Looks like it's from Gretchen. Thanks."

"Your sister's in Maine now? What in the world is she doing there?" inquired Marie barely hiding her condescension. Gretchen's reputation as a flighty girl who routinely threw away good opportunities for bad ones was well known and well discussed around these parts.

"Last I heard she was happily living her life," said Doug curtly. He wasn't about to add any grist to that particular mill. Marie got the picture and hurriedly went back to her desk. Opening the card, Doug couldn't help but wonder what the occasion was…when the glitter and confetti spilled out on to his desk and lap he thought maybe he knew - Mom just can't keep her mouth shut… thought Doug indignantly.

Sure enough the front of the card had a picture of a cartoon squirrel holding a rainbow flag in one hand and two acorns in the other. In big puffy orange letters it said: I knew you weren't nuts. Opening it, more glitter spilling out, he read the inside: Congratulations on Coming Out! in more puffy orange letters. Doug grimaced slightly at the tacky card and read the message Gretchen had scribbled inside. Dougie,
You might find this hard to believe, but there really aren't a lot of tasteful coming out cards on the market even these days - at least not here in Ellsworth. And I know you'll hate this one (a lot) but the squirrel's kinda cute dontcha think? He reminds me of Pacey. I mean look at those nuts! Ha ha ha. So I talked to Mom and she told me the big news - actually what she said was "You knew your brother was gay didn't you? Well guess what? Now he knows it too!" Leave it to our mother huh? Don't worry; I'll keep my "big mouth" shut until you tell me different. Yeah, I know you pretty well brother. And I'm really happy for you. All kidding aside, I know this is probably pretty rough for you so if you want to talk about it, give me a buzz. It's only fair after all, I mean, you coached my sorry ass through several difficult high school boyfriends and you were even pretty decent during the Dawson phase. (What was that anyway?!) I can be a shoulder or an ear or whatever body part you might need. Elbow? Kidney? Pinky toe? You name it; I've got your back. As for me, here's a news flash: Maine is freaking cold in the winter! Also I think I'm only one of 17 people left in the entire state. Which means I'm taking stir-crazy to a whole new level. Things are going well with Peter - if I haven't murdered him in his sleep by now, I think it's safe to say I'm not going to. Well, here's hoping anyway. I better run. Talk to you soon. Tell Pacey I said hello and all that sisterly stuff. Mom too - but put a daughterly spin on it.

Love you,
Gretch

PS Go ahead and shred this card if it'll make you feel better. Xox


Doug laughed at the postscript and immediately dropped the card into the shredder near his desk. All in all, the family was taking this better than he was. He figured if his mom had told Gretchen then she had probably told Kerry as well. Two less people for me to tell figured Doug. The thought didn't upset him - in fact he found himself feeling surprisingly chipper.

Looking at his watch he realized he needed to go get the patrol car from Officer Willis and start his rounds. Humming again, Doug put on his jacket, his hat and headed out of his office. Catching speeders would be just the thing to sustain his cheerful mood.

Sure enough, he was still in the same cheerful mood several hours later. He had spent the majority of his patrol time thinking about the situation with Jack and handing out warnings to the lead-footed citizens of Capeside.

Doug had beaten himself up all week over his shabby treatment of Jack that night on the beach. He had wanted to apologize almost as soon as the words left his mouth but he hadn't been able to work up the nerve. With every day that passed, apologizing seemed that much more difficult. The truth was, Doug wanted to do more than apologize to Jack, he wanted to reach out to him and tell Jack how much he meant to him. He wanted to lay all his meager cards out on the table. He wanted to spill his guts.

But wanting something and being able to actually do something about it were two entirely different things. Doug was an expert in that particular dichotomy. And yet today, he unexpectedly felt like he could do it. He felt like he had been tying himself up in knots over something, if not exactly silly, well then blown way out of proportion. He just had to do it. It was like pulling off a band-aid or eating octopus or bungee jumping - the more time you spent hesitating, the less likely it became that you'd be able to do it.

So, he would just do it. He'd talk to Jack. He'd apologize. He'd say all the right things and Jack would understand and smile. Then Jack would look at him the way he had that night so long ago on the dock and Doug would feel the butterflies again. And this time Doug wouldn't stomp on them until they died a pitiful, painful death. This time, he'd do it right. He saw it so clearly in his mind that part of him felt like it had already happened.

Having made the decision, Doug felt himself relax on a deep, almost cellular level. Muscles he didn't even know were tense began to unwind. It was as if his whole body had been holding its breath all week and had finally taken its first deep, cleansing breath. He felt so good, he decided to park the car and do a little foot patrol. He had about an hour and a half left to his shift and he hadn't written a single ticket. That wouldn't do. The joke back at the station was if you didn't write at least one ticket a shift then you were shirking your civic duty and denying the city of Capeside much needed funds. Especially this time of year, some joker would inevitably ask, "Was it a good night for the Christmas bonuses or what Sheriff?"

As he walked down the sidewalk, Doug noticed how pretty everything looked in the cold night air. It was as if everything had developed a certain sparkle. Without exactly realizing it, Doug was seeing Capeside with hopeful eyes and that gave everything an idealistic patina.

"Evening Sheriff," nodded Mrs. Garrison as she stopped to say, "I noticed a car parked in front of a hydrant two blocks up. An old green car - you know one of those ones that explode with no provocation what so ever. Right in front of the hydrant! Has the world gone mad?"

"No madder than usual but thanks for the heads up Mrs. Garrison. I'll go check it out."

"How's your mother dear? Are her corns any better? It's a shame about her feet. She used to have such dainty feet…" her voice trailed off as if lost in the memory of Mary Witter's once delicate feet.

Bemused, Doug replied, "Uhm, yeah, much better -I think. I'll give her your regards."

"Please do. Tell her I'll try and stop by next week if I'm not to busy with the Christmas Craft Fair and Pancake Breakfast - I'm the chairman this year and you would not believe…"

Cutting her off smoothly, Doug said, "That's just wonderful. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got a ticket to write and a tow truck to call."

"That's right!" Mrs. Garrison exclaimed as if she had somehow already forgotten. "You go get 'em! Show them that crime doesn't pay!"

"Not tonight anyway Mrs. Garrison. Good luck with the fair," said Doug as he turned and began walking away, waving cheerfully as he went.

"Thank you dear. Have a good night."

Sure enough three (not two) blocks up, a dilapidated old Chevy Nova was completely blocking the fire hydrant. Taking out his ticket pad, Doug began writing down the necessary information: license plate, make, model, location, etc. It didn't take long; soon the citation was completely filled out. Doug placed it under the windshield wiper and looked up. A movement from across the street caught his eye - two men were kissing intensely on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant. Surprised by their audacity, even a little excited by it, Doug kept watching. I'm not staring, Doug told himself as he stared at the passionate couple.

When the two men pulled apart, Doug realized that one of the men, the taller one, was Jack. Jack? His Jack? He felt his jaw drop and his stomach damn near implode. This isn't happening. It can't be happening. I had a plan…

For a brief, interminable moment Doug and Jack stared at each other. How could you? pleaded Doug. You did this Jack's handsome face seemed to say. Tough luck. Mentally Doug beseeched, Don't do this Jack. Let me try…

But Jack just turned away, took the stranger's hand and walked boldly up the street leaving Doug behind. Still Doug stood there. Come back! He felt all the hope and confidence of earlier in the evening evaporate in an instant. He felt frozen solid. His brain refused to function and his hand shook as he put his pen back in his pocket. This isn't happening. Too late. Too late. I'm too late. This isn't happening. Too late.

Doug wasn't sure how he finished his shift that night but somehow he did. By the time he got home, the shock had worn off and was replaced by jealousy and anger. He kept seeing the kiss in his head. It should have been me. It'll never be me. He felt completely betrayed and powerless. It wasn't rational but he didn't care - he was beyond reason. Besides, hadn't being rational gotten him into this mess in the first place? He'd been careful and cautious and it had gotten him disqualified from the race before it even stated. It should have been me. It'll never be me. Doug tried to stop the shaking that seemed to have taken control of him but it was no use. His body was wracked with tremors but no matter what, he absolutely would not let himself cry. He fell into bed and prayed for sleep. Eventually, it came.

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That night he had had the running dream for the first time. When he woke up, he was in serious, physical pain from the choking and his face was soaked with sweat and the tears that he was determined to hold in while awake. On subsequent dream nights, there was less physical pain but the desperation, panic and frustration never lessened. It was as if his heart couldn't come to grips with the fact that he had missed his chance with Jack and so his mind had to keep replaying the devastating footage over and over in hopes of getting through. Like terrible news on CNN, you thought you couldn't watch it again and yet you did, again and again.

As surely as Jack ran away from Doug in the dream, he broke Doug's heart that night. Jack was gone. Doug was alone. And that was just how it was now.


Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming in tales
Heads are a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing tails
And coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start
-- The Scientist
By Coldplay


end part seven