101 Chapters Why Severus Snape Hates His Life


(Ah, sorry guys... this isn't actually a chapter.)

OKAY, READERS, LISTEN UP! (or... look up... or read up... or whatever it is you do when you pay close attention to something online... yeah...)

I've been thinking. (Wow, that's a first, huh?) Since this fic gets a such a modest number of reviews, I tend to value my reviewers very highly. To be honest with you, I'm having so much fun, I feel like I could go on doing this fic indefinitely (although soon I'm going to have to start paying a bit more attention to real life; I have to move again at some point in the next week or so). And let's face it, this story has several recurring themes but no definite plot. In my opinion, that's a good thing because it means I can incorporate a million ridiculous ideas into the story without worrying about messing anything up. It has also occurred to me that even my twisted mind will be hard-pressed to think up 101 chapters worth of Snape-torturing material. So, I would be very glad to have my cherished reviewers help me come up with silly scenarios to write about. I think the next chapter I'll be writing will be a Voldemort-meets-Umbridge thing, which is an idea I got from xXblacksakuraXx. After that, on Inu-midoriko's recommendation, I'm going to try to think of a way to get Snape and Lucius to have sex. (For those of you who dislike slash, don't worry. I promise it won't be real slash. And it won't be explicit or icky or anything like that. It'll be goofy and stupid, just like everything else I write. And it will just be the one time.)

Since I've already got two ideas for future chapters based on reviews I've received, I figure I should just go ahead and say that I'm open to all ideas. If any of you have anything you'd like to see me do to these poor characters, just let me know. It's okay if your ideas are outlandish and crazy -- I definitely don't mind. It can be something completely idiotic, like "send Voldemort to the grocery store to buy condoms", and I'll try to find a way to fit it in. Seriously, I don't care. Whatever the idea may be, I'll work with it. I don't know how quickly I'll be able to incorporate each idea, but I'll try to do them in the order in which I receive them. I make no promises about how I use your ideas, though, because I have a warped sense of humor; thus, if you say something that sends my mind off in a random, bizarre direction, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about it. But when I use your idea, I will give you credit at the end of the chapter (unless you tell me not to, for some reason). If I have a streak of creativity and come up with my own ideas for new chapters, they may get precedence. But it all depends.

So if you've got ideas, send 'em my way. If no more ideas from reviewers are forthcoming, I'll just use the couple I've already decided on and then go back to doing what I've been doing.

Anyway, to everyone who's reviewed, thanks so much! You rock.

- elemesnedene


Disclaimer: No one would pay me to write this trash. (So don't sue me!)

Intermission

(Snape, Lucius, Bellatrix, and Draco are sitting around a wooden table in a small, nondescript room; they're drinking coffee and flipping through old copies of the first six chapters of "101 Chapters Why Severus Snape Hates His Life"; everyone looks really bored)

BELLATRIX: What's taking her so long?

SNAPE: She's still writing.

DRACO: Um, what exactly are we waiting for?

LUCIUS: (sneering) We're waiting for the stupid muggle Author to finish writing chapter 7 so we can go act it out.

DRACO: Oh, am I in this chapter?

LUCIUS: No.

DRACO: Uhhh, then why the hell am I here?

LUCIUS: I don't know, you just are.

DRACO: Well, I really don't see any point in being here if I don't have a part. Why the hell--

BELLATRIX: Just shut up, Draco. Don't ask questions. The stupid, neurotic Author's probably having a psychotic break, or something.

LUCIUS: I don't think I'm going to participate in the next chapter.

SNAPE: And why not?

LUCIUS: Why not? Why not?? Have you forgotten chapter 6?! It was awful!

BELLATRIX: What was wrong with chapter 6?

LUCIUS: Are you SHITTING me? Did you READ that fuckin' thing?

BELLATRIX: Uhh, yeah. I was in it.

LUCIUS: It was embarrassing!

SNAPE: No it wasn't.

LUCIUS: No, not for you! But did you SEE some of the crap she had me doing in that chapter?? She had me singing Barbie Girl!! By motherfucking Aqua!

BELLATRIX: For god's sake, stop bitching. Just deal with it.

LUCIUS: You have no right to talk! She's never made you do anything like that! It was humiliating!

SNAPE: It's not that big a deal.

BELLATRIX: Yeah, well, she makes you look better than the rest of us.

SNAPE: Not really. I'm out of character half the time. She actually had me saying the words 'I need to take a piss' in chapter 5.

BELLATRIX: Yeah, but you spend a lot more of your time in character than we do. She makes us look like idiots.

SNAPE: But you are idiots.

BELLATRIX: Fuck you, you greasy, ugly bastard.

SNAPE: Ah, but I'm not ugly. In fact, I'm dead sexy.

BELLATRIX: (snorts) Oh yeah? How do you figure?

SNAPE: Don't you get it? This story is being written by a woman.

LUCIUS: So?

SNAPE: So, 90 percent of female Snape fans give me the benefit of the doubt and assume I'm sexy.

BELLATRIX: That's ridiculous. You are NOT hot.

SNAPE: Well, it's not necessarily that female fans think I'm hot. They think I'm sexy. There's a difference.

LUCIUS: You're just a snarky asshole. What's sexy about you? I'm sexy.

SNAPE: Yes, but that's what everyone likes about me: my snarkiness.

DRACO: Is that a word?

LUCIUS: I don't think so.

BELLATRIX: Well, if this Author thinks you're anything other than a greasy git, she's stupid.

SNAPE: You should be nicer. She likes you.

BELLATRIX: What the hell do I care?

SNAPE: She thinks you're pretty. She even described you as beautiful. When's the last time anyone paid you a compliment like that?

BELLATRIX: She said I was beautiful?

LUCIUS: (looks anxious) Does she think I'm attractive?

SNAPE: Yes. She likes your hair.

LUCIUS: (relaxes) Good. Everyone likes my hair.

BELLATRIX: (flips through chapter 6) Where does she say I'm pretty? I don't see it.

SNAPE: It wasn't in that one. It was in chapter 4. What, didn't you read it?

BELLATRIX: I... skimmed it.

DRACO: No one who managed to read all of chapter 4 is in their right mind.

LUCIUS: Agreed.

SNAPE: Why do you say that?

DRACO: Because it was long and angst-ridden.

LUCIUS: And because I got buttfucked against my will!

SNAPE: You've got to understand, though -- the Author has a penchant for the dramatic. It just slipped through.

LUCIUS: A hidden inclination toward drama? Kind of like her carefully-repressed appreciation of slash?

SNAPE: Sort of. Good slash, though. Not nasty slash.

BELLATRIX: She's not going to turn this into a slash fic, is she? There aren't any other girls, and I have a feeling I'd get written out. Or paired with Umbridge... (shudders)

SNAPE: No, it's definitely not going to turn into slash.

LUCIUS: Chapter 4 felt kind of 'slashy' to me.

DRACO: I don't think anal rape counts, dad.

SNAPE: No, it doesn't. That was just an isolated incident. And I don't think the drama thing will happen again either. It was an accident.

BELLATRIX: I thought you said that Freud said there are no accidents.

SNAPE: ...Whatever.

LUCIUS: I still refuse to do any more chapters.

SNAPE: Stop complaining. Do you realize how easy you've got it in this fic?

LUCIUS: EASY?!? I got butt-raped!

SNAPE: At least you didn't have an angsty fit and start burning down barns and casting the Dark Mark for no particular reason.

LUCIUS: A HILLBILLY VIOLATED ME!!!

SNAPE: Yeah, but aside from that, it hasn't been so bad. Have you read some of the stuff that's out there? People write fics about you and Draco licking each others' asses.

DRACO: GROSS!

LUCIUS: WHAT?!

BELLATRIX: It's true. By the way... am I in the next chapter?

SNAPE: I don't think she's decided yet.

BELLATRIX: Hey, you know, I just realized... Rodolphus has been in this fic almost as much as we have.

DRACO: He has? Then why isn't he here with us right now?

SNAPE: Because no one actually gives a flying fuck about Rodolphus.

LUCIUS: True. Oh, and listen to this bullshit: I heard through the grapevine that she's thinking about forcing Snape and me into a sexual encounter.

DRACO: Gross!

LUCIUS: Yeah, I know. I really hope she edits that idea out.

SNAPE: She won't. She never subtracts. Just adds.

BELLATRIX: Yeah, that's why the chapters are all so long and random.

LUCIUS: Some of these jokes are really immature. How old is this woman?

SNAPE: Hard to say.

DRACO: Why is she writing this weird little 'intermission' thing?

BELLATRIX: (shrugs) Probably having writer's block in the middle of the chapter and looking for something to do. Hopefully, no one will even go to the trouble to read this part.

DRACO: Why 'hopefully'?

BELLATRIX: Because it's not funny. At all.

SNAPE: Actually, I'm pretty sure she just wrote this because she wanted an excuse to put an author's note at the top.

(all look up as Harry Potter walks into the room and sits down in an empty chair)

BELLATRIX: What the fuck are you doing here? This fic isn't about you!

HARRY: It's not technically about you either.

SNAPE: Potter, why are you here?

HARRY: I came to ask the Author why I haven't been in the fic yet.

DRACO: Why do you think she'd include you anyway? It's not as if you're interesting.

HARRY: Shut up, Malfoy. She has a responsibility to put me in the fic. It's based on my books!

SNAPE: Ah, I see, Potter. You find it utterly unbearable that anyone should find us more interesting than yourself, do you?

HARRY: No, that's not what I'm--

SNAPE: Yes, god forbid the Chosen One should feel 'left out'.

DRACO: Hah! Quick, someone write a Weasley-Potter sex scene so that Potter doesn't feel left out!

SNAPE: Actually, Draco, unless I am much mistaken, you are the one most slash writers pair with Potter.

DRACO & HARRY: GROSS!

SNAPE: Quite.

HARRY: I just don't think it's fair that--

AUTHOR: Uh, Harry? What the hell are you doing here?

(everyone looks up, surprised that they failed to notice the Author's entrance)

HARRY: (stands) I came to complain. I don't understand why you haven't put me in your story yet.

AUTHOR: (raises an eyebrow) You actually want to be in this story?

HARRY: (looks confused) Well, yeah...

AUTHOR: (shakes head) Fine. But it's your funeral. You'll definitely regret it.

HARRY: (seems worried) What are you--?

AUTHOR: I'll work you in whenever I get the chance. It probably won't be anytime soon. And I'll probably make something horrible happen to you.

DRACO: GOOD!

HARRY: Uh... okay. (sits back down with a slightly concerned expression on his face)

BELLATRIX: (turns to Author) Where's the new chapter?

AUTHOR: I haven't started it yet.

BELLATRIX: What?!

AUTHOR: I haven't had time.

BELLATRIX: Then why the hell have we been sitting here, waiting for you?

AUTHOR: I just came to warn you guys that you may be doing some really weird shit in the next few chapters.

SNAPE: As if we haven't been doing 'really weird shit' all along?

AUTHOR: It may be about to get worse. It depends on the reviewers.

LUCIUS: NO! That's it! I'm through! I quit!

AUTHOR: You can't.

LUCIUS: Yes I can!

AUTHOR: If you don't do the next chapter exactly the way I want you to, I'm going to write a fic in which you and Dobby perform oral sex on Dumbledore and Voldemort.

BELLATRIX: UGH! That is FUCKED UP, Daisy!

SNAPE: Stop quoting muggle films, Bellatrix.

BELLATRIX: I wish I could! She (points at Author) made me say it! It's not my fault if she's seen Girl, Interrupted too many times!

DRACO: Sucks for you.

BELLATRIX: And why am I the one who always makes these stupid pop culture references?

AUTHOR: I don't know. It just came out that way.

SNAPE: Do you pay any attention to what you write?

AUTHOR: (thinks for a moment, then shakes her head) No. Absolutely none.

SNAPE: (sneering) That's what I thought.

DRACO: So when's chapter 7 going to be ready?

AUTHOR: Hell, I dunno. A few days? I have to write it and edit it and everything.

SNAPE: Yet despite how thoroughly you edit your work, it will still be full of typos and misspellings, won't it?

AUTHOR: Most likly.

BELLATRIX: Yup, there we go. Right there. You said 'likly'.

AUTHOR: I meant 'likely'.

BELLATRIX: Yeah, well, unfortunately, you can't type.

AUTHOR: Whatever. It doesn't matter. Point is, be prepared for some odd stuff in upcoming chapters.

LUCIUS: This is horseshit.

AUTHOR: Suck it up and DEAL, or you'll be blowing Dobby within the next 48 hours.

LUCIUS: FINE! (stalks off, muttering angrily) Sick, twisted fuck...

AUTHOR: (watches Lucius go, then turns back to the other characters and shrugs) Any questions for me before I go?

HARRY: Yeah, what the hell are we supposed to do while we wait for you to write the next chapter?

AUTHOR: What? (looks exasperated) I don't fucking know. Go have a huge gay orgy in Gryffindor tower, or something. Who cares? Use your imagination.

(Harry, Bellatrix, Draco, and Snape look at each other, trying to decide whether an orgy in Gryffindor tower is a good idea; the Author rolls her eyes as she notices that they're actually considering it; shaking her head, she walks out of the room)

Fin