Transcendence

A/N: I just want to profusely thank my amazing beta Lemon-of-the-tent for all her work with my story. It wouldn't be the same without her.


Chapter 6

Charlie was waiting in the kitchen for me when I arrived. He took the bag of clothes from me and tossed it on the floor before pulling me into a tight hug. He was obviously worried about how I was holding up under everything. The truth was my head was clearer than it had been in years. I told him about my appointment and promised we would talk about everything when I got back; he offered to drive me up to Port Angeles but I refused. This was something I needed to do on my own.

Now, pulling into the parking lot of the nondescript building, I realized that this might actually be the most parental I could remember Charlie acting towards me.

The receptionist, who I assumed must be Courtney, was pleasant enough; she quickly ushered me into the understated office. And Michael Rybarcyzk was hardly a stereotypical lawyer. He was just, for lack of a better description, nice: Sympathetic and very patient. There was just this unobtrusive professional confidence exuding from him. It seemed he had handled my father's end of my parents' divorce and they often ran into each other on the way out to go fishing. I let him know exactly how clueless I was with this whole thing and he explained all the legal details to me completely.

My case it seemed was extraordinarily cut and dry – the fact there were no children made the process easier. And the fact that I honestly didn't want anything would help things along. The one possession I wanted was my truck, which was a moot point since we had never actually taken it out of Charlie's name. The only thing I was adamant about – that I wanted handled quickly – was changing my name back to Swan. Even that, it seemed, would be easier than I had anticipated.

The lawyer would have all the paperwork filed in a few days. Jake would be served by the end of the week. He didn't anticipate the entire proceeding taking more than six or eight months – it would be just in time to get settled in Florida before the fall semester started.

I couldn't believe that in such a short time I would leave Forks, leave Washington altogether, behind forever…

My mind wandered as I drove home. The swirling mass of thoughts kept coming back to one thing. I couldn't help but think about Jacob – what would he think when he found the note? Suddenly, I was completely disgusted with myself.

I did this to him. I did. Everything that happened from here on was no one's doing but my own.

I parked the car in the drive and just sat there, staring blankly ahead, waiting for my thoughts to settle. I'd done it. I had actually done it. I had officially left Jacob Black. We were now legally separated. I was completely overwhelmed…

I jumped when there was a light knock on the window.

"You okay, Bells?" Charlie asked through the glass. His eyebrows were furrowed and he just frowned at me. He was worried again. I realized I had no idea how long I had been sitting there – it must have been a while for Charlie to come out to check on me.

The awkward silence, with Charlie just standing there watching me, worry written across his face, was beginning to suffocate me.

I pushed open the door welcoming the cooling rush of air. "I'm fine, Dad. I just needed a second to breathe."

He nodded, unconvinced. "Did everything go…?"

"It was fine. He's filing all the paperwork. You know all that… stuff."

"Well… do you want to…?" He was trying, he really was. He just had absolutely no idea what he was doing.

The idea of my father actually acting like a father was such a jarring concept. It was just one more change that I needed to deal with. Somehow I was beginning to doubt whether or not I was capable of that. "I think I just need to be alone for a while. I should probably call Mom later." He just nodded and watched me enter the house. I had no idea where she was but I was just glad that Sue wasn't home.

I sat on the bed in my old room. There were so many memories trapped in these walls, bottled up. Memories of Jacob inevitably swirled with memories of him. I became even more disgusted with myself at that.

I had broken Jacob's heart and I was still thinking about Edward. The tears fell as my memory began to separate the thoughts the two loves of my life. I had avoided my memories of Edward for so long. Now they reared up, aligning themselves with my memories of Jacob, daring me to compare the men.

But how could I do that? They were complete opposites.

Light and dark.

Fire and ice.

My life with Jake had, now and then, had many good points. It would be a lie to say it had been all bad. With Edward however… The betrayal and abandonment outweighed all the good memories. They still tore at me. Jacob had tried so hard to fix my wounds. But he had failed. There was no way he ever wouldn't have failed.

Eventually, the tears subsided and I simply sat on the bed feeling miserable.

Charlie knocked lightly before he entered I don't even know how much later. "Um… Sue's got dinner if you want some."

"That's okay. I'm not hungry." I was proud my voice didn't sound too raw. The idea of food wasn't even a little appealing. I liked the idea of facing Sue even less.

He nodded but lingered. I knew what he was waiting for. I'd heard the phone ring earlier; I should have known Jacob would call as soon as he got home.

"What did he…?"

"He's upset." That was Charlie's only answer. "He was worried."

I nodded. What did I honestly expect? My self-loathing was back stronger than ever.

Charlie slipped away, leaving me to my thoughts. Time passed, and I could hear them moving about downstairs. It seemed life for everyone else went on, even when I wondered if mine ever would. But I should have learned that when I was eighteen…

Finally, stiffness began to set in and I felt the need to move. I checked the hall and almost tiptoed the bathroom; I didn't want to be caught. I couldn't face speaking to anyone right now. The hot shower helped my mood marginally. I was starting to feel more sure of my decisions. The omnipresent sadness was still there just as it had been for the last five years. Now, despite my relapse earlier in the day, it was starting to recede back into the background of my mind. Back in the room, I looked, yet again cataloguing the remnants of my teenhoood. I had only spent a little over three years living in this room, if ignored the time before Renee left Charlie.

And yet…

My entire adult life was defined by what had happened to me living in these four walls. If I had never come here…

I shook away my morbid thoughts and looked at the clock. It was very late. Charlie and Sue had long gone to bed. Standing in my silent room, in the silent house I felt the unavoidable urge to go to the window.

The moon hung heavy and low in the sky. Just looking I could tell it was a cold night. There would likely be a coating of frost in the morning. My eyes drifted to the tree line. The low branches shifted and the gigantic red-brown wolf emerged from the forest.

I suppose, deep down, I knew Jacob would come. He would need to at least see me. His face looked up and stared directly at my window. I could see the wet lines of tears in his fur. His eyes pierced into mine. There was so much heartbreak just radiating off him. Every movement spoke of his pain and after only a moment I couldn't bear it anymore. The absolute anguish, even visible in his non-human form, was infectious. I felt the pain I had believed I was almost past rise up and threaten to over take me.

"I'm so sorry." I whispered before I turned and threw myself back on to the bed.

I knew he heard my voice and before long I heard the distant plaintive wolf's howl break the night. The sounds mixed with my sobs, overpowering everything else in my head and soon my world disappeared.


Reviews????