I've never been one to long, or depend on anyone. Even though Lou had deemed the only permanent in my life throughout childhood until now; I had never cling to her in any desperate need. I'd always strolled through life with the indication that people come and go; that nothing was substantial or deep-seated to anyone. People were made to endure whether it be happiness, love, or death. You really had no control over who you allowed in your life, how they impacted you, and how long they stayed. So I figure why indulge in ambitious thinking. I weighed this largely on the fact that people were unpredictable. That emotions were completely transmutable and no one was immune to this.

I witnessed first hand how my father's infidelity changed my mom's overall outlook; how she felt about her fictitiously perfect family; pain, despondency, and grief marked her face everyday. Until we discovered her cancer and all those emotions were replaced and finalized with despair. My mother spent the last four years of her life in complete and utter misery. My dad hadn't always been like this with my mom; in fact I used to cling desperately to memory's were words were not questioned and love surrounded our small family to no end. Along the line something changed; and I had front row seats to the most life altering cinema to impact my precious and very susceptible mind.

Still don't believe me? Here's some first hand concrete depositions.

I discovered my strong disinterest of boys and their man junk in 7th grade when Aaron Mullen's tried to feel me up during a not so private game of "seven minutes in heaven". It wasn't that he wasn't cute or anything, he was the most popular boy in our grade and had a set of abs that would put grown man who frequented the gym regularly to shame. I'd never been bothered before by physical touching. In fact I'd been perfectly fine with kissing Aaron, it hadn't been entirely repulsing and his lips were surprisingly really soft. But when I felt is slightly rough hands itching under my shirt to my bare back, I couldn't rid the feeling of disgust. My skin started to crawl with a sense of uneasiness of this innocent adolescent game; so when he tried to unclasp my bra in what looked to be the filthiest janitor's closet ever, I lost it. All I remember is my P.E. couch yanking me by the forearm off of a bloody wailing Aaron. In all honesty I'd only played because Lou had, and I'd hoped beyond all hope that my spin would land on her.

When one Ethan Miller arrived to pick me up from school, I'd had no qualms about relinquishing the story to him. If anyone would understand it would be daddy…right? He'd definitely side with his little girl and assuage all the questions she had about what was happening to her and why. That was the fatherly thing to do right? My father had tore me a new hind that day; something about how I had better not compromised his chances at partner since Aaron's dad was great friends with his boss. I only halved listened seeing as even at the tender age of twelve I figured my father was full of shit.

You can't blame me for this conclusion I've come to; though my hypothesis may be biased. All my life I've experienced the effects of change; whether that be emotionally, physically, of psychology.

The night air drops and I have half the mind to text Mariana and ask her to bring my jacket along with her ass. I've been out here for nearly twenty minutes and left to perish in my thoughts. Thoughts that I shouldn't even entertain right now in this moment. I needed a clear head to talk to Mariana and right now thinking of my misgivings were not the way to go.

Finally the back door opens and my thoughts are interrupted. Looking around the yard nervously Mariana thrusts out a hand carrying a sweater. Her favorite sweater. Leave it to her to be sentimental when I'm about to be the biggest ass in the history of derriere's.

"Callie told me it was cold out I thought you'd like this."

Without eye contact I take the sweater and hastily through it over my head and through my arms. "Thank you." My voice is barely above a whisper and my palms feel clammy from nerves.

"I don't entirely know how to start this Mari. There is no right way, and I need you to understand that this does not reflect on you. Yo- your perfect…."

My eyes link with Mariana and I feel myself slowly losing nerve. What was I doing? The girl of my dreams was literally standing in front of me with so much confusion, dread, and hope in her eyes. Did I really want to do this? Was losing this miraculously beautiful person in front of me worth it? Was Lou worth it?

Ducking her head I could hear the hurt in Mariana's voice before it reached me. "Your breaking up with me aren't you?"

I'm frozen into silence and all I can do at this point is stare at her and wish for her not to question me. Hope that she doesn't think it's because of her. Pray that she doesn't hate me. I stand there gazing at her for what felt like seconds but were minutes.

"Is that it? This isn't working for you? Allison?" Squinting her eyes in frustration of my silence she stalks past me to the yard.

Without words I follow, my mind a busy contradiction to my mouth as my inner thoughts scream to be spoken.

"If you have nothing to say then don't follow me?" Mariana is perched defensively against the tree with the century old tire swing attached to it.

"This isn't something I want to do Mariana. I need to fig-"

"Stop!"

I cut my eyes away from the ground at the sudden intensity and aggravation present in Mariana's voice.

"Don't lie to me. You haven't yet so please don't. Try the truth." Her brows are furrowed and the night air allowed stray strands of golden locks to frame her features. Even upset she was undeniably breathe taking.

"I don't want to hurt you. It's as simple as that. I'm so confused Mariana. I want you, to be with you. But there's something that's stopping that. I'm sorry. I just need time to figure this out. I want to make sure this is the right decision for both of us. All I'm asking for is time."

Pursing my lips together I feel my face flushing from anticipation of her response. The wind has picked up slightly causing the hairs on the back of my neck to tap against my spine. Goosebumps eluding down my back.

"It's just a break right?" Mariana has moved over to the age old swing sitting down and swaying slightly in sync with the wind.

Grabbing the rope and shifting slightly so I can give her a good push, my senses are immediately invaded with Mariana's scent. Knots form in my stomach and once again I start to question whether this is the right decision.

The incessant vibration of my phone in my pocket is what halts my train of thought. This was the right thing to do. I couldn't forgive myself if I messed up, if I hurt Mariana.

Catching the rope mid swing I turn Mariana to face me. I really needed her to hear me, being vague was not an option.

"This is a break Mariana. I'm sorry, but it's the right thing to do."

If I had any control over my actions I would've stepped away, but being this close to Mariana stopped all mental function. Cradling her face I run my thumb down her jaw line to her lips. Stepping closer I place a light kiss on her lips, trying to convey exactly how I felt about the ridiculously beautiful Latina in front of me.

Gathering the last bit of my resolve I do the only thing I can do and walk away. I needed to get my emotions together before I dealt with the shipwreck waiting for me at home.