"I am just glad you are safe."
Ziva closed the door behind Sayda and watched regretfully as the car drove away. She wondered if she had made a mistake in insisting that Sayda be allowed to come along. Had she only set her up for disappointment?
Tony seemed to fault her for that, judging from the look he was giving her. He had been more skeptical and cynical. He had pointed out that Thomas might have already been killed, that they might never find him, or that he might not be the same person Sayda thought he was.
Ziva knew all that, but she still felt in her heart that she had made the right decision. It was better to know the truth, and to hear it directly from the person you loved. Sayda had needed to see Thomas again.
Thomas had given her up for dead and given up on their love, but Sayda hadn't railed at him. She hadn't turned on him or accused him of betraying her or not loving her as much as she loved him. She'd been understanding and loving. Saddened and disappointed, but not crushed or immobilized.
She loved him enough to let him go.
Ziva deeply admired Sayda's strength and determination. She'd handled a difficult situation with grace and poise. She was a survivor, able to move on despite the adversity she'd suffered.
But Ziva also felt conflicted. Sayda had felt with such conviction that Thomas was her soulmate. So much so that she'd held out hope for 7 years. She'd never lost faith in him, or their love, and it had been inspiring. It had made Ziva feel like maybe there was hope for her.
But finding out that Thomas had a new wife and a child… it had been heartbreaking.
Ziva wasn't sure what to think about soulmates. Could you have more than one? Or was that impossible, defying the definition?
Sayda had been so sure Thomas was her soulmate, but she'd been wrong. Or had she? Ziva didn't know. It was all so confusing.
She understood what Sayda had meant, though, that it was enough that he was safe. She understood all too well.
She felt it every time Tony was in danger. She didn't usually let it distract her, but there had been many times when she'd feared for his safety. She had to constantly remind herself that he could take care of himself. And he could, but it was difficult not to worry. Like when they'd been undercover together as a married couple. He'd readily sacrificed himself for the mission, and she'd had no choice at the time. But she'd been so worried about him. She'd had to trust that he could defend himself.
And when they'd been trapped in the shipping container and she'd inadvertently sent that bullet ricocheting everywhere, she'd felt the need to shield him. She'd instinctively thrown herself on top of him, putting herself at risk instead.
Would she have done that if it had been McGee or Gibbs?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
She really wasn't sure.
All she knew was that she felt an overwhelming urge to protect Tony.
There had been too many close calls.
The worst was when she had thought him dead, blown up in a car bomb while undercover. The pain had cut deep down into her very soul. She had prayed and hoped that he had survived, but she had learned to expect the worse.
When they'd arrived on the scene, all that was left were the charred remains of his car, his badge… and what seemed to be his body.
The grief she'd felt at that moment had been almost unbearable. She had felt that if only he were alive – if would be enough. Even if he never loved her back, even if she never saw him again because he loved Jeanne and decided to leave with her forever… It would be enough just to know that he was all right and out there somewhere.
She had felt so immensely relieved when he'd turned up alive and unharmed.
Yet every time they went out into the field and Tony was in the line of danger, that panicked feeling threatened to overwhelm her again.
Even just now, when they'd been caught in the crossfire, she'd tried to protect him. She did it because if Tony were seriously hurt, injured or killed… she didn't know what she would do. She felt that she would be damaged so badly that she would never recover.
But for now…
He was safe.
And it was enough.
The End
Author's Endnote: I personally believe that Tony and Ziva really are soulmates but aren't ready to be together yet. In some theories about soulmates, the soul needs to find balance between the masculine and feminine before it properly can reunite with its soulmate. In this story, Tony and Ziva aren't quite there yet, but I will be exploring this theme (albeit subtly) in a future story. :)
