Broken Cookie Jars and Spilled Milk
Chapter Seven
Some things he never thought he would get used to, like Axel walking closely next to him and absentmindedly lacing their fingers together as they strolled through the grand plaza at sunset, or their lunch dates on weekdays that usually ended up with them talking about the Summer Festival.
Axel had become a prominent aspect of his life. He was always around in one way or another.
It was difficult to imagine a life without him, but Saïx was trying. He tried to focus on the things that annoyed or upset him, like the time Axel spent on telling him stories about the rehearsals at Terne High and the enthusiastic involvement of "his kids".
They were Axel's pride and joy, and it showed in the way his eyes lit up when he spoke of them.
Saïx wasn't quite sure how he felt about it; it was a mixture of delight and jealousy mostly, and now, as an imminent ending came their way, sadness joined the mix.
He knew that in a contest for Axel's attention and affection between himself and Axel's students, Axel's students would always win, especially now that Saïx's true colors were shining through.
Twenty-four had passed since Saïx had submitted his revision of Xion's test that was her ticket into Lumineux High. According to his revision, she had failed to prove that she had what it took to pass the History-exam, and her skills in reading, writing and understanding were subpar at best. Her results were a threat to the school's average score, according to his assessment.
There was no way Xion was getting into Lumineux High, and it was a bitter and guilt-ridden relief.
Axel had probably looked over the test a hundred times before sending it to Saïx for revision, just to prepare himself for the comments and red markings it would come back with. Axel had been every bit as involved in the exams as Xion had, if not more. He had been the one to help Xion get the literature she needed, he had studied with her, and he had gone through books on how to write essays to teach her how to write one.
Xion's admittance was his aspiration, and Saïx had ended it all with the stroke of his pen.
"Hey, are you ready to go?"
Axel walked up to him with a quirky smile when his sandals made squeaky noises against the polished floor in the long and empty hallway. He leaned in for a quick peck, and he brushed a stray hair from Saïx's forehead as he stood back.
"Where are we going?"
"For a picnic."
"Yes, but where?"
"To a really nice place."
"Axel…"
"Are you sure that you want to use my name right now? You know what it does to me."
It was enough to crack a smile out of him, and it had barely faded when Axel led him outside to where he had parked a dark green bike with a flowery basket in front of where he had packed their picnic.
"Before you say anything, the flowers were not my idea."
"And the pink cushion on the carrier rack?" Saïx chuckled.
"Alright, that was my idea. You're still getting on the bike, right?"
"I'm still getting on the bike."
Axel pulled him in for a hug. "Good. I've been working really hard with this picnic. I've done lots of stuff that I need you to try out."
"So we're just going to eat sweets?"
"No. I stole some food that my roommate made for lunch too. But before we go, we need to get you out of all of these layers." He tugged on the sleeves of Saïx's blazer. "It's too warm to be dressed like this."
"The weatherman said that there was going to be rain later today."
"Rain from where? There's not a cloud in the sky. If you want to know what the weather's gonna be like, you can always ask me. I have a sixth sense when it comes to foretelling the weather, and I'm telling you that there's not going to be any rain today, only sunshine, birds chirping, a bit of a breeze," Axel paused for a kiss as he pulled off Saïx's blazer, "lots of kisses, orange and chocolate pudding…"
"Yeah, the weatherman missed all of those details."
"I know he did. You want to get out of the pants too?"
Saïx laughed and shoved Axel softly. He had that intense look in his eyes; that fixated stare that wasn't only slightly intimidating, but also alluring and enticing, and Saïx was having none of it on school grounds as usual.
"Let's go," he said and walked past Axel to get to the bike.
"I'll get to undress you later, right?" Axel asked with a mischievous smile as he took his place in front of Saïx.
"Let's go!"
Axel pedaled out to the main road and toward the wall that surrounded the city. The wind blew in their hair once Axel picked up the pace, and as they got closer to the wall, they could see the ocean in the horizon.
Saïx held on tightly in the downhill slopes, feeling Axel's "Woo!" vibrate down his warm back. Amongst the things he never thought he would get used to was Axel's warmth, and once this was over, he knew it would be one of the things he would miss the most.
~ooo~
In a perfect world, Axel would have led a life full of opportunities. He learned fast and he was keen to develop his skills, and if he had succeeded to get Xion into Lumineux High he might have received better job offerings, but he was stuck in Terne High with no chance of creating a career.
Saïx knew that he could help him out of it, at least as a last favor for disapproving Xion's application on false grounds.
"Hello? Saïx?" Axel waved his hand in front of Saïx's face until he got his attention. "You spaced out."
"Sorry."
"Was the pudding so good that it short-circuited your brain?"
"Actually, it got me thinking." Saïx put his colorful plastic-plate down onto the blanket they were sitting on and looked up slowly. "Have you thought of pursuing this as a career? You could open your own business. You could apply for a culinary scholarship to get a diploma and initial capital to start your business."
"That good, huh?" Axel's smile faded as soon as he turned his attention to the ocean and he used his spoon to play around with the leftover of orange and chocolate pudding on his plate. "I can't leave my kids behind, you know that. They're barely getting by as it is, I'm there to keep them afloat."
"You'd only be gone for a year, and once you get your business running you could take interns from Terne High and give them their first job maybe?"
"It's not because it bothers you that I'm not striving higher, is it?"
"What?"
This was a great opportunity to push him away. It hadn't even occurred to him that he could use their differences to hurry up their rupture, but that bitter look that stemmed from thinking that maybe you weren't good enough was something he recognized in himself, and it wasn't something that belonged in Axel, he decided.
"No. No, that's not– I don't think you should be striving higher. You're doing something great for those children. It's selfless. I just thought that you were doing pastries for a reason, to maybe make a living out of it…?"
"I'm doing pastries for you, to see the relaxed expression on your face when you take the first bite and know that I put it there."
"What are you talking about? I don't have an expression when I eat cake." Saïx's heart skipped a beat at the tone of Axel's voice. He had listened to plenty of romantically themed radio theaters to know that Axel was building up for something that wasn't favorable for neither of them.
"Yes, you do." Axel laughed.
"I do not!"
"As the person who observes you when you eat, I'm telling you that you have an expression when you eat cake!"
"You need to stop observing me when I eat, you creep. What am I? An animal at the zoo? I know my face better than anyone, I would know if there was an expression on it. I mean, there's always an expression on it, but it if it was a relaxed expression directly linked to me eating cake, I would know."
Axel was shaking with laughter when he moved in closer while Saïx kept listing the reasons why Axel clearly was making things up, and he didn't notice that Axel had softly coaxed him onto his back until he saw patches of blue sky through Axel's wild hair.
"Axel…there might be people–"
"There's no one here," he interrupted in a soft voice. His hands were on each side of Saïx's face, and he had straddled him at some point. "Look, I know this is weird. I don't even know what the hell I'm doing, but, I need to tell you something and I want you to look at me and tell me whatever comes to your mind when I'm done. Good or bad, I can take it."
He suddenly smiled sheepishly and hung his head before he reached for Saïx's hand to put it on his chest, right above his heart. "This is what you do to me. Seriously, do you feel that? You're gonna cause me a heart attack one of these days."
"Sure, blame me." Saïx smiled nervously. "Can't it be the dozen of yolks that went into the chocolate pudding? Cholesterol is a real killer, you know. Two out of five Radiant Gardians suffer from high cholesterol levels in their blood. You should consult your doctor about it and get tests done to rule it out, or whatever they do to prevent it from getting worse…"
Saïx hoped and prayed that Axel wouldn't get the stupid idea to feel if Saïx's heart was beating as fast as his, which it was. No one could blame him. Axel was about to say The Three Words that caused more harm than good, and he couldn't think of a way to stop this from happening.
He could have wriggled out of Axel's hold of him and made a run for the bike. He could have told him that he saw a unicorn gallop behind him to get out of it, but there was a big part of him that wanted to hear Axel say it, just to know what it would be like, and maybe play and pretend for a short while that they lived in a perfect world that would conclude Axel's confession with a happy ever after. What that part didn't understand was that there was no turning back once those words had been said. With such a confession came instant expectations, obligations, hopes for the future that would come crashing down before it even began.
"Are you done with the public announcement?" Axel grinned when Saïx's words slowly faded into inaudible mumbles at his proximity.
The first drop of rain came as a surprise as it hit him on the forehead, the second and third that quickly followed the first were a blessing. Dark clouds had pulled in over the blue sky from seemingly nowhere. With a low rumbling came the rest of the cold rain. The droplets of water fell down over them like rocks, and Saïx thought that it would make Axel move away, but he quickly regained focus soon after the initial shock.
"Saïx…"
"Let's hurry home." He pulled Axel in for a kiss with trembling hands, overjoyed that he could blame the cold rain. "You can undress me then. It's too hot to be in all of these layers."
He gave Axel a small smile in hope that it would hide the desperate plea in his eyes. There was a small falter in the façade Axel had to struggle to put up; a hint of hurt that stung to see and only added to the guilt Saïx harbored.
"Is that dirty talk?" He asked finally with a weak smile when Saïx sighed with relief.
"You want this to happen or not?"
"Will you keep up the dirty talk?" Axel teased.
"I think I can put my mouth to better use."
"Wow. Alright. Definite improvement." Axel got up onto his feet and helped Saïx up before he quickly folded everything into the blanket to toss it into the flowery basket of the bike. "C'mon, let's go!"
Saïx took his seat on the carrier rack and put his arms around Axel's waist as he pedaled towards the same road they had taken to this park in the outskirts of Radiant Garden.
They didn't say anything on the way home. Axel was deep in thought, sighing deeply every now and then. It was better this way, Saïx thought. All the feelings of affection Axel felt towards him today would be gone tomorrow, and history said that Saïx should brace himself for what they would be replaced by if he wanted any chance at recovery.
In a choice between them or him, it was always them, he reminded himself.
The rain was pouring still by the time they got home. Saïx thought that Axel would try to initiate the conversation again, but as they approached the door, he pulled Saïx in for a rough kiss.
He was angry.
Axel's fingers dug into Saïx's hips while he pushed him up against the unlocked door, and he mumbled soft apologies as an afterthought for the hurt he hadn't intended to show. His kisses were desperate and bitter, and this time there was no coffee to be blamed.
~ooo~
He had almost spent all day trying to recall how he had recovered from heartbreak before, but the loud ticking from every clock he had in the house made it near impossible to focus.
Axel had left early in the morning to get to work, and it had taken all of Saïx's willpower to not stop him from leaving, but it was best to get this over and done with. There was no point in avoiding the unavoidable.
It was comforting to know that in time, this would be nothing but a bad memory that he could hide behind layers of denial, and as he idly locked his front door, his cookie jar in the periphery of his eye, it dawned on him; that was his strategy for recovery.
More dark clouds had pulled in from the sea and the wind seemed to be picking up speed. Saïx hoped quietly for a storm as he peeked through the curtains to see the newspaper stick out from his crooked mailbox. He contemplated going out to get it and read the weatherman's predictions, but then he saw Axel march up the road. He stepped back in panic, accidentally walking into the bureau where he had put his cookie jar down for the time being.
The loud sound of the porcelain jar coming to pieces had Saïx quickly fall to the floor and hide up against the wall when he heard Axel approach the front door with heavy steps.
He knocked on the door three times, loud enough for it to be heard through the house, but Saïx sat still, looking ahead while thinking of what a coward he had become as the knockings turned into impatient banging.
"Open the door, Saïx!"
Here it comes, the inevitable outburst of anger for his pathological incapacity of speaking. He had been preparing for this all day, running through every possible scenario in his head, but now that Axel stood there, ready for a confrontation, Saïx found himself paralyzed with fear.
"Saïx! I know you're in there! If you have a shred of decency in you, you'll open up the door and tell me what the hell this is supposed to mean!"
He could hear Axel wave about with the file right outside the door in the silence that followed.
"Get out here!" Axel yelled. "I'm giving you a chance to explain yourself! What do you mean that Xion's skills are 'subpar', huh? You think I'm an idiot? That I don't know shit about history? She aced the test. She passed all the tests on that list and she's still not getting into that godforsaken school!" He let out an exasperated groan and moved away from the door for a moment, but he soon came back again.
Saïx could hear him pace by the door, muttering to himself before he turned to the door to bang on it again. He stood back and waited for Saïx to open the door, but there was only silence, and Axel chuckled bitterly.
"You know what the worst part is? I thought you were different, but you're worse than the people openly showing and spreading their hate for us. You hide your hate, pretend to think of everyone as equal, but when it comes down to it, you pull the rug right underneath our feet to keep us in our little corner where we belong."
Saïx crawled closer to the door when Axel trailed off. He sat in front of it, resting his forehead against the cold oak-door, wishing that he could at least muster the courage to apologize.
"Xion's a great kid, y'know. Bright, generous, caring, courageous. She could've made something out of herself, given us a voice, show her friends that the world outside our own wasn't that hateful. You ruined that. You reaffirmed everything they already thought they knew, and I hope that this comes back to haunt you because it's just not fair that someone like you can get so far when people like Xion, people who can make a difference, get stuck on the absolute bottom." His voice trembled with anger. "Don't you think for a second that this is over. We will fight you. We haven't gotten this far to be stopped by one of the many obstacles on the way. She's not alone in this, and I won't let you break her." Axel stepped back from the door slowly and turned to leave.
Saïx heard his footsteps fade away, but he didn't move from where he sat. From all of the scenarios he had imagined, he had never expected to feel empty and sick. He knew how the story would end beforehand. None of this should have taken him by surprise, but he had let Axel in and closing the door wasn't enough to keep him and his hurtful words out.
He turned on his head slightly to see the shards of his cookie jar all over the floor and he was hit by the thought that he should clean it up to not hurt himself on them, but there was something fitting about it all and he didn't feel like moving away from the door.
~ooo~
Axel's wishes came true. The very next morning he received a handwritten letter from principal Xemnas that had been sent to him with urgency. The mailman had been slightly out of breath and had Saïx sign a form that confirmed that he had read, received and accepted the contents of the letter.
He had been summoned for a meeting regarding Xion's application at the principal's office early on Friday morning. He had been asked to bring a letter of resignation and to not make matters worse, not when the Summer Festival was around the corner.
The hallways in the main building of Lumineux High stood empty and quiet as he walked in through the entrance. His students didn't start until half past nine today, and most of the other students started their Fridays with math, physics or chemistry in the building by the sports arena.
He had been calm when he left home this morning. Why worry about something that was out of his control? But then he saw the silhouette of the school from the tramcar and his chest suddenly clenched with anxiety when he realized what he was up against. It wasn't difficult to stand up for himself when he was convinced that he was right, but he knew what he had done was wrong, and he doubted that he would be able to come up with a convincing lie when he had to tell it in front of Axel, Xion, and his father.
This meeting would become everything he had tried to avoid by not admitting Xion to Lumineux High, and there was probably no one else to blame but himself.
"Saïx, what have you gotten yourself into?" Vexen caught him halfway through the foyer and walked with him down the hallway towards Xemnas' office. "We could have given her a preliminary answer to her application and denied it after this whole collaboration was off. Why would you risk your career for something like this?"
"I wasn't thinking clearly." His judgment had been clouded with jealousy, he realized, and it just added to the list of reasons why relationships frightened him. "Are you attending the meeting?"
"Yes. I'm taking over the role as vice principal until further notice."
"Congratulations."
He couldn't even bring himself to feel angry for losing his newly gained position to Vexen when he could see the wide doors that led into the waiting room where they would be sitting, and maybe it was too much to hope that Xemnas would show up early to let him forget all about this and go home.
Saïx had jeopardized their four million munny project when there were only weeks left until the Summer Festival. Xemnas would probably let him stew in his own misery as an extra punishment for his recklessness.
He clearly heard Axel and his father speak before Vexen pushed the doors open, and as soon as they stepped into the room, they fell into silence.
Saïx followed Vexen to the couch by the wall across from Axel. He didn't know if Axel was looking at him or not, he kept his eyes on the floor, his hands clasped together on his lap as he waited for Xemnas to make his entrance.
"What did the blue lines stand for?" Saïx heard his father ask. Axel rustled with the papers in the file he balanced on his lap.
"It stands for things I'm not a hundred percent sure on, we had to return the literature a week before the test, so some details are a bit foggy. The ones in this shade of red are stuff I'm a hundred percent sure of. According to the score sheet…this answer for example. Look. She got a three point two, but according to the score sheet she should have scored at least a five with this answer, but because of this nitpicking, she scored lower."
"But the answer is correct?"
"Yes, sir, it is."
"See, if you weren't denied your teacher certification, you could've done a much better job than these good-for-nothings who think they're so much better than everyone else."
It infuriated him how small he felt in the presence of his father. He became the pitiful ten-year old boy who craved his father's approval, and to not lose it, he remained silent while he was put down for his life choices. He didn't want his father to have this power over him, but the hurt that lingered from once again hearing that he wasn't good enough was a harsh reminder that whether he liked or not, his father still had the power to bring him down.
"Gentlemen." Xemnas walked past them and hurried into his office, leaving his assistant to keep the door open for Axel and Xalbador. He gestured for them to sit down before took a seat and sighed softly. "I understand that there has been a misunderstanding?"
"A misunderstanding?" Xalbador said. "This was a sabotage to keep my daughter from having a decent future. Do you know how much trouble I could cause your fine school by letting it slip that your vice principal intentionally failed my daughter who happens to be a very important member of the Mapu tribe?"
"General Madhava, I assure you that I will do everything in my power to get to the bottom of this. Our first priority is to make sure that your daughter gets a properly revised test since her results will end up on her permanent record. As you said, your daughter's future is at stake here. Did you bring the test Professor Saïx revised?"
This meeting was just for show, to let the offended get everything off their chest and think that they had been the ones to convince Xemnas of what measures needed to be taken when in reality Xemnas had already decided what to do.
Saïx sat silently waiting for his cue while the others discussed the test and everything that had gone wrong.
"Professor Saïx?"
"Yes?" He looked up from the spot he had fixated his eyes on to meet Xemnas' ice-cold glare.
"What do you have to say for yourself?"
That was his cue.
He turned to face his father and Axel for the first time during the meeting and he lowered his head slightly as he readied himself for the apology speech he had rehearsed last night before going to bed.
"I apologize for my actions and the inconvenience I've caused by them. I'm certain that my words are of little importance to you and that you might want actions instead of a simple apology to stature an example for others who think that they can get away with discrimination." He reached into the inside pocket of his blazer and pulled out his letter of resignation and reached it to Xemnas. "I resign."
"What?" Axel's silent surprise was drowned out by Xalbador.
"It's no more than right. It would clearly be an outrage and a definite setback to have someone with such hatred towards natives managing the first project set into motion to promote tolerance since the war ended."
"Does that mean that General Madhava accepts this apology?" Xemnas asked to make sure.
"Well, as long as this isn't some hoax to keep me quiet for the moment, and I expect that my daughter gets a new and fair chance to apply for next semester. I've been told that she has had excellent results." Xalbador patted Axel on the back, "And now that you have a vacant position, you might want to take a look at this man's resume."
"How about we take a look at your daughter's test first, choose an adequate professor to revise it again, and then we can talk about everything else?" Xemnas turned to Saïx briefly. "Professor Saïx, you are excused. You will receive notice about what's been decided today as well as new scheduled meeting to tie up loose ends. Good day."
"Good day."
That went better than expected, he thought dully as he stepped outside. It felt strange knowing that he wouldn't be coming here for work anymore. This had been his second home since his high school days. A change of scenery might do him some good after so many years at the same place.
"Saïx!"
Saïx walked faster down the hallway when he heard Axel come after him. Once he set foot outside school grounds, he would do his best to forget all about this semester, and he didn't want Axel to be his last memory of this school.
"Hey!"
As soon as he felt Axel's hand on his arm, he pulled away and against his better judgment, he turned around to face Axel.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm leaving, obviously."
"You resigned." Axel stared at him as if he was waiting for the reality of it to sink into Saïx's brain, but Saïx just stared back. "Wha– I thought that this place, this job, meant something to you. You're just gonna give it up…?"
"What did you think would happen? It's a four million munny project on the line. I'm not worth four million." He took a step back slowly. "You should go back. General Madhava is probably cutting you a great deal right now, you might want to be a part of it."
Saïx turned to leave, but Axel grabbed his arm softly and stood back when Saïx pulled away again.
"Why did you do it? You must have known that this would be the outcome."
He hadn't known, and he felt ashamed at admitting it to himself. He hadn't thought that far ahead. All he knew was that he didn't want his father or Xion in his life, and when he saw how Xion had nestled her way into Axel's heart, he had felt threatened, and with the confidence Axel inspired in him, he had led himself to believe that his story would end differently if he could just rid himself of her.
"Saïx, please. I need to know if we can fix this."
"We can't. There's nothing to fix. Whatever it was that we had was a mistake and it would be best if we forget that this ever happened. That's what I'll do." He took a deep breath and caught a glance of Axel's face briefly.
"Excuse me. Axel, was it?" Only Zexion's fingers knocking on Axel's shoulder were visible from where the short man stood before Axel turned around to face him. "Kindly go back to principal Xemnas' office, they are waiting for you and Principal Xemnas has a school to run, so off you go."
Axel walked back reluctantly, but when he finally was gone, Saïx could breathe in relief.
"I heard you had managed to dig a pretty deep grave for yourself." Zexion didn't look nearly as amused as Saïx would expect him to be. He crossed his arms and shook his head softly. "What a wasted opportunity. I had plans for you, Saïx. Oh, well. Have you looked for another job?"
"I just got fired."
"According to your signature on the form you signed for the mailman, you've been out of a job for nearly twenty-four hours, Saïx. I took the liberty to look through your documentation and I saw that you had finished a pre-university course in Technical Sciences before you decided to become a History teacher."
"What do you want, Zexion?"
"Since you're unemployed you could come to the Research Center on Monday morning at eight for an interview for a position as lab assistant…" He trailed off and looked around for dramatic effect, "And you can start at nine."
"Even though I've just been labeled a racist?"
"You could've been labeled as Vexen for all I care. Research Center, Monday morning at eight. Don't be late, Saïx, or you'll make me look a fool in front of my boss." Zexion laughed at his own joke as he continued down the hallway.
He assumed that this was what privilege was. He got opportunities without even asking for them. Zexion would probably test his loyalty as much as he could to see where Saïx would draw the line. It would at least keep him busy from dwelling on this, he thought as he walked back home.
He stopped by a bakery for cookies and by a hardware shop for glue to put his broken cookie jar back together as soon as he felt like picking up the shards from the floor.
