He ignored the noise, pretending to still be asleep. After awhile it went away, only to return a few minutes later. He opened one eye slowly. Simon, Wash, Jayne, and Shepherd were all peering into the glass room like Mal was a lap rat in a cage. He got up reluctantly and let them in.
"What happened to you?" Simon asked.
"I hit my head not once, but twice and I think I dislocated my shoulder…" Mal sighed. Simon sat him down and examined him.
"No concussion, but your arm is out. This will be a bit uncomfortable," he pulled on Mal's arm. There was a pop and a bit of pain, but it felt better after that.
"Thanks doc," Mal muttered. All of the other men stared at him waiting for his explanation.
"Well?" Jayne asked.
"Well what?" Mal responded.
"What happen'd?" Jayne cried.
"I'll tell you after I get somethin' to eat. I'm exhausted and hungry," Mal got up and walked towards the galley. Everyone followed. "Where's Zoe?" he inquired casually.
"Sleeping. It's still early," Wash responded with a loud yawn.
"What are y'all doin' up then?" Mal asked.
"I had a headache and needed some medicine. I found you. You weren't moving, so I called in some back up…" Simon explained. Mal nodded while he downed a tall glass of water.
"These women have lost their minds!" Mal said loudly the second he set the glass on the table. Shepherd looked Mal over carefully.
"Where'd this lipstick come from?" he asked with a smile as he pointed at his neck.
"Inara's the only one that wears lipstick," Wash said with a sly smile.
"So she's the one that did the rest to you?" Simon asked.
"Did what?" Mal asked.
"Mal, you're a wreck! Your shirt is ripped open and missing buttons, you have a swollen bottom lip from biting probably, lipstick all over you, messed up hair. Spells rough sex to me," Wash laughed.
"No, it wasn't all Inara…" Mal trailed off.
"Please. We all know how you two feel. So what, you're horny. She's horny. You get together. One thing leads to another. Kissing, biting, ripping of shirts, messing up of hair. You must have been all over that shuttle to have done that to your arm!" Wash cried.
"She isn't the one that led to my arm!" Mal cried.
"Who was?" Simon asked.
"I…don't wanna say…"
"MAL!" they all cried.
"I'll get punched!" Mal argued.
"Out with it! I wanna know this juicy piece of information. I don't wanna drag my butt out of bed this early unless I get the full scoop!" Wash exclaimed.
"ZOE!" Mal shouted. The room fell silent and all eyes were on Wash. Wash said something very unpleasant in Chinese and punched Mal. He kept swearing in Chinese as he went for the second punch. Jayne grabbed Wash and Simon helped Mal up. "Told you I'd get punched," Mal growled as he wiped blood away from his nose.
"LIAR! MY WIFE WOULDN'T DO THAT!" Wash spat.
"I know! Nothing happened! She was gettin' a little too close for comfort and I'd never do that to you! I leapt back and caught myself with my arm. That was the most innocent encounter all night!" Mal shouted back. Wash pushed Jayne away and sat down.
"Are you sure that she was comin' onto ya?" Jayne asked.
"Yes."
"Why don't you just tell us everything that happened?" Shepherd suggested.
"Fine. I was in my bunk. Kaylee came down and told me she wanted to show me somethin' in the engine room. So I go, and she locks me in!"
"Locked you in?" Jayne asked in astonishment.
"With her in there with me! I tried to 'void her as much as I could, but it didn't last long…" he trailed off.
"What did she do?" Simon asked.
"Well…anyways. I pretended like I was okay with it, so we went to her bunk and I locked her in…" he continued.
"Locked her in?" Simon shouted angrily.
"Yes. Then I came in here to wash up and then she was there,"
"Zoe," Shepherd nodded.
"No. Inara. She was barely wearin' anything. All persistent and lookin' all amazin'. I almost caved, but I stood my ground. I locked her in her shuttle and went to the common area. Then she was there…"
"Zoe," Simon nodded.
"No. River. Things were so bad with her, I had to give her some of that stuff in the blue bottle that you sometimes give her to sleep better. Then I sit down and she sits with me…"
"ZOE!" everyone shouted.
"Yes, Zoe. I hit my head and pulled my arm out. I went into the medical room and locked myself in. That was the only time I could get any peace with these girls!"
"What's in your hair?" Jayne asked suddenly.
"Engine grease probably," Mal responded with a sigh. Simon walked over to Mal and punched him hard enough to make his chair fall over with him in it. Jayne had to hold him back.
"What was that for?" Mal cried as he held his bleeding nose.
"My sister and Kaylee? What did you do with them? What did you do?" Simon bellowed.
"Calm down doc!" Jayne shouted.
"I didn't start nothin'! They're the ones that came onto me!" Mal yelled back.
"I want to know what you did with them!" Simon spat.
"And my wife!" Wash added as he stood beside Simon.
"Fine! Fine! Kaylee kissed me two or three times before I locked her up. River's the one that ripped my shirt and bit my lip. She kissed me more times than I could count. As for me and Zoe, nothin' happened like I said. Okay?" Mal snapped.
"Did you kiss Kaylee back?" Simon asked.
"Once maybe," Mal said, losing hostility in his voice.
"River?" Simon asked, also calming down. Mal didn't respond, but it was obvious that he had. "You stopped things with them before anything else happened?"
"Yeah," Mal nodded.
"Could something have happened with either one of them?" Simon asked.
"Nothin' would have happened with me and Kaylee. I love her to death, but she's like a little sister to me…" Mal replied.
"River?" Simon asked.
"If I hadn't stopped it, she wouldn't of…"
Simon nodded and then punched Mal again. Mal wasn't going to take this lying down. He grabbed Simon's perfect vest and got ready to punch him. The two were separated. "What was the second punch for?" Wash asked Simon. He ignored the question and looked at Mal.
"You just made out with my sister and you don't care about her at all. You're going to hurt her!"
"I do care 'bout her, just not like that. She's the one that started it!" Mal snapped.
"How long did it take you to finish it by DRUGGING HER? You could have killed her if you used the wrong dose!"
"I was careful 'bout that! And it don't matter how long it took," Mal trailed off. Wash and Jayne exchanged looks. It had apparently been a decent amount of time.
"Yes it does!" Simon responded.
"It was...longer than it should have been…"
"You stupid son of a-"
"Calm down! Everyone!" Wash cried. Simon glared at him, but listened.
"And what about Kaylee? How long did that go on? How'd that engine grease get in your hair?" Simon asked.
"Things weren't as
long with Kaylee. And I hit my head. She looked at it to make sure it
was okay by movin' my hair 'round. Okay?" Mal was growing tired
off all the stupid questions.
"So Kaylee isn't good enough
for you?" Simon growled. Mal wouldn't win no matter what he said.
Simon was into Kaylee. If he said she was, Simon would start a fight
over her. If he said she wasn't, Simon would start a fight over
her. Luckily Shepherd bailed him out.
"Maybe we should be thinking more about why this is happening that what has happened," Shepherd said calmly.
"Yeah," Jayne agreed. He was tired of playing bouncer.
"All the women on this boat are goin' crazy over me. There has to be somethin' that's gone wrong!" Mal began. Everyone agreed.
"Well could it be that you're just…alluring to them?" Shepherd asked. Jayne and Wash laughed.
"Hey! I'm not that revoltin'…am I?" Mal asked.
"You're a very attractive male, I assure you…" Shepherd said with a faint smile.
"Maybe there's somethin' in the food or air!" Jayne suggested.
"I actually agree with Jayne on something for once," Simon sighed.
"Then wouldn't we all be crazy for Mal…or each other? How could it be just for one person?" Wash asked.
"True. Maybe it's something he ate that makes females go crazy?" Simon suggested.
"I ate everythin' you guys ate," Mal shrugged.
"What has changed in the last day or so?" Shepherd asked.
"We got that shipment," Wash commented.
"True. How does that mess with me though?" Mal asked.
"You've been wearing that coat since Inara gave it to you. Aren't we transporting coats?" Simon asked.
"Yeah, but this is my coat!" Mal argued.
"Well…" Jayne trailed off remembering how he tossed the coat beside Mal's back in the cargo hold.
"Jayne…what did you do?" Mal asked.
"I was curious and all! So I took a coat outta the crate. It looked borin' so I tossed it aside and walked away," Jayne explained.
"Inara told me to stop leavin' my stuff out. I bet she saw the mess and bein' the lady that she is she cleaned up!" Mal cried.
"Which means that…" Wash began.
"This ain't my coat! My coat's in the crate! That Louie told me there were some special coats…I didn't ask what they were…" Mal said. He quickly took off the coat and rushed to the cargo hold with the others following closely behind him. "Wash, get me a girl. I have to find my coat!"
Wash returned with Kaylee. "Which crate was it Jayne?" Mal asked.
"I ain't sure. You put 'em up!" he cried.
"It's gonna be a long day," Mal sighed. Four crates of coats, one coat in particular. They discovered that two of the crates contained bright colored coats. Jayne put one on. Kaylee didn't respond, even after ten or so minutes. The other two crates had the dark colored coats. They just needed to find Mal's, so only the brown coats had to be tried on. A few hours in, Kaylee was still hitting on him every time he had on a coat. She returned to normal after the coat was off. He slipped on one coat. It felt right. He turned towards Kaylee. She looked at him carefully.
"Nope. I don't feel like I did before," she said with a sigh.
"My coat! I found it!" Mal said happily. Jayne had fallen asleep, Wash was bored out of his mind, Simon was still pouting, and Shepherd was reading. They all acknowledged him lethargically. Wash left and so did Shepherd after patting Mal on the back.
"Say, can I have one of these? When we're on some planet…" Jayne asked with a wink.
"No," Mal snapped.
"Fine," Jayne snarled. He left shortly after that.
"I'm sorry 'bout that Cap'in," Kaylee said quietly.
"No worries. It was the coat," Mal smiled. She smiled back and then left to work on the engine. Simon got up and walked over to Mal.
"Sorry about that punching," he muttered.
"It's okay."
"How long is longer than it should have been?" Simon asked.
"Drop it."
"That long?"
"I said drop it."
