A/N: I wanted to be one of those really cool authors who update, like, every day, but then I lost inspiration for a bit. Then I forgot how tiring school was. So now I'm going to be one of those authors that everybody hates because they only update sporadically. I'M SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! DON'T HATE ME! I LOVE YOU ALL! P.S. If anyone can find a transcript for Rhodes not taken and send it to me I'd be really grateful. I really want to do that one but don't have the transcript. I'll write you a Klaine One-shot of your choice if you find it as a reward.
"Uh, why are so many episodes missing? I really like Rhodes Not Taken, it was so much fun to film." Chris grumbles to himself as he tries to crawl forward to change the DVD, hindered by all of the duvets, cushions and the fact that Darren is trying to not let go of him. "DARREN! Let. Go. Thanks you. Kurt, it was so fun being you drunk. Bambi." Chris sniggers after the frustration that comes in the form of Darren Criss.
"Just push play, Chris." Darren whines, now that he's got his cuddle buddy back.
The glee club members are being directed by Mr. Schue as they practice choreography in the choir room. WILL: Five, six, seven, eight. Step, turn, out, in, ball-change, step ball-change step. You, you, you, you. And ba-ba-ba. turn… The group falters their steps and Mr. Schue becomes frustrated. WILL: Come on, guys, you're sleepwalking on me here. Give me some energy. We've got sectionals in two- MERCEDES: (interrupting Mr. Schue) Please, sectionals is going to be a breeze. WILL: Maybe so.
Finn stares intently at Quinn's stomach WILL: But if we coast through sectionals, we're gonna get killed at regionals. We have got to be on our game. Kurt laughs. KURT: Sorry. Funny Youtube. It's the grape stomping one.
"Kurt, you can't just watch YouTube in glee club." Darren said in a patronising voice.
Later on in the choir room Mr. Schue addresses the entire glee club.
WILL: Competition. Mr. Schue pins pictures to a board WILL: Every one of these people or elements was a champion in their own right. But they used competing with each other to make themselves even better. KURT: I don't understand how lightning is in competition with an above-ground swimming pool.
"Good Point. Mr. Schue you never did tell us how lightening was in competition with and above-ground swimming pool." Santana said with a slightly malicious smile.
"Erm. You know what? I don't remember now." Mr. Schue said awkwardly. Kurt moves to group with the girls. WILL: Kurt.
WILL: Just go with it. You guys have become complacent. You were great at the invitational, but you got to up your game if you want to get through sectionals. Okay, split up. Guys on the left side, girls on the right side. Let's go, come on. All right.
"Kurt, I'm sorry. I should have let you go with the group that you were most comfortable with." Mr. Schue apologised.
"Even though you did it twice?" Kurt replied sceptically.
"Especially then."
"Well at least the second time lead to me meeting Blaine. So I forgive you Mr. Schue."
"YAY! HAPPINESS EVERYWHERE!" Surprisingly to everyone, it was not Brittany who made this comment but Darren who then sheepishly hid his face in Chris' shoulder. Kurt moves back to the boys side. WILL: Here's the deal. Two teams. Boys versus girls. One week from today, you will each perform a mash-up of your choice. PUCK: What's a mash-up? WILL: A mash-up is when you take two songs and mash them together to make an even richer explosion of musical expression. Boys will perform on Tuesday, girls the next day. I want you guys to go all out, okay. Costumes, choreography. Whoever wins the competition gets to choose the number that we do for sectionals. RACHEL: Wait, who's going to be the judge? Your gender makes you biased. WILL: Ah…There is going to be a celebrity judge. TINA: Wh-who? WILL: Oh, you're going to have to show up to find out. MERCEDES: We got this in the bag. RACHEL: Totally. I'm going to start storyboarding our choreography tonight. The girls exit. Mr. Schue addresses the boys. WILL: Hey, I hope you guys are up for this competition. The girls look pretty pumped. ARTIE: We're planning on smacking them down like the hand of God. Finn yawns. WILL: Hey, Finn, you all right? You seem a little out of it. FINN: Yeah, I'm just a little worn out. PUCK: Come on, dude. We're late for football practice. Sue is writing in her journal in her office. SUE: Glee club! Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating, mouth-breathers, it only comes back stronger like some sexually ambiguous horror movie villain. Here I am, about to turn 30, and I've sacrificed everything only to be shanghaied by the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy, misshapen teens. Am I missing something, journal? Is it me? Of course it's not me. It's Will Schuester. What is it about him, journal? Is it the arrogant smirk? The store-bought home perm? You know, journal, I noticed something yesterday. Sue is talking to Terri at the Schuster household. SUE: Let me be frank. Your husband is hiding his kielbasa in a hickory farms gift basket that doesn't belong to you.
"Wait, that was Sue's fault?!" Mr. Schue was outraged that Sue had interfered with his failing marriage. TERRI: What?! With who? SUE: Guidance counsellor. Real floozy and a man-eater. Wears creepy brooches like the kind my nana was buried in. More tea. TERRI: Oh, sorry. Terri pours Sue more tea. SUE: It's the same old song. Wife puts on a couple extra pounds… TERRI: No, I'm pregnant. SUE: Oh, that's no excuse. I've always thought the desire to procreate showed deep personal weakness. Me? Never wanted kids. Don't have the time, don't have the uterus. TERRI: Are you sure about this? SUE: A woman always knows. Let me put it to you this way: If it's not a full-blown affair, well, it's certainly heading in that direction. You need a machete to cut through the haze of lust that surrounds them. TERRI: Oh, god, what am I going to do?! SUE: I think you should both pack up and move out of the district. Unless you want to lose your man to a mentally ill ginger pygmy with eyes like a bush baby. TERRI: Now you're absolutely sure about this? I mean, you have proof? SUE: Get into that school and sniff out those sex pheromones for yourself. We happen to have an opening. Our school nurse, Mrs. Lancaster, is in a coma. Oh, she took a terrible tumble down the stairwell yesterday. *Flashback*
Sue passes Mrs. Lancaster and trips her up.
*End flashback* TERRI: But I'm not a nurse. I work at Sheets n' Things. SUE: I'm not an American citizen. I was born in the Panama Canal zone. But I managed to get a passport. The next day Mrs. Schuester is talking to Figgins about being the school nurse. FIGGINS: Mrs. Schuester, I appreciate your interest in the nursing position, but your previous experience is limited to folding hand towels. TERRI: As assistant manager at Sheets n' Things, I've had first aid training. I've also used a defibrillator. FIGGINS: Huh. In the teacher's lounge. EMMA: So what did you want to talk to me about? WILL: Oh, good news. I figured out a way to get the kids motivated. They're going to compete against each other in a glee-off. Oh. And guess who the celebrity judge is going to be? You. EMMA: Me? WILL: You are the most honest and impartial person I know. TERRI: Well, isn't this a surprise. WILL: Terri, wh-what are you doing here? TERRI: (to Emma) Hi. I don't think we've been properly introduced. I'm Terri Schuester, Will's pregnant wife. EMMA: Hi. TERRI: Oh, honey, someone got a little lipstick on your cup. I got it. WILL: Um, is everything okay, Terri? You-you never visit me at work. TERRI: Oh, I'm not visiting. No. You've been so stressed about our finances lately, that I thought I would pitch in by getting a second job. I'm the new school nurse. WILL: But you're not a nurse. You don't have any training. TERRI: Oh, please, Will. It's a public school. Isn't this going to be great? And this means I am gonna be around all the time now. Coach Ken Tanaka addresses the football team in the locker room. KEN: Know. Your. Routes. Now that is the key to this play, gentlemen. The receivers run the fly route downfield and then block as the play develops, okay? Know your assignments. It's not… FINN: (in voiceover) I'm losing it. I'm tired all the time. I can't keep my eyes open. KEN: (distant, echoing) That's your only job is to know your assignments. FINN: (still in voiceover) I know how lucky I am. Captain of the football team, glee stud. I know I should be excited about Quinn. She's hot, popular, and she's carrying my baby and all, but I can't get Rachel out of my head. She kind of freaks me out in a swimfan kind of way, but she can really sing and her body is smoking…if you're not into boobs. My body's a mess. I found a hair on my ear the other day, and I have to rub biofreeze on my shins a couple times a day- growing pains. It smells pretty bad, but I mask it with drakkar noir. FINN: Being a guy my age is tough. Between glee and football and school and being popular, I'm just kind of overwhelmed. Everyone wants something from me, and I don't have the energy to do it all. I don't know how important people like presidents or newscasters or mob bosses do it. My mom says I'm stretched too thin, so I gave up homework, but that didn't help. All I know is last night I got vaporized on level two. LEVEL TWO. And I didn't even have the energy to care. In the choir room Finn has fallen asleep. KURT: (distant, echoing) He's drooling. PUCK: Dude, wake up. FINN: Sure, yeah, that sounds good. PUCK: I said we can't let those girls beat us. FINN: Sorry. Sometimes when I'm thinking real hard, it helps to close my eyes. ARTIE: We're doing a mash-up of "It's My Life" and Usher's "Confessions." PUCK: We should get some trash can lids and stomp the yard up in this piece. ARTIE: Puck, with respect, you're more helpful when you don't contribute. PUCK: (to Finn) Dude. What's wrong with you? Go see the nurse. Every day I say I have a headache, I sleep for three hours. I haven't attended a math class in two years. FINN: Thanks, guys. Keep up the good work.
I've run for office twice. My advice to you, if you want to keep your husband…get creative.
Finn leaves and heads to the nurse's office. In the dance room, the glee girls are gathered, Rachel walks in. RACHEL: Okay, girls, we need to get started. SANTANA: We're getting warmed up. RACHEL: Where's Quinn? BRITTANY: Probably down at the mall looking for elastic-waist pants. RACHEL: Mr. Schuester's right, you guys. We can't get complacent. MERCEDES: Chill out. I already picked the songs. We're gonna do a mash-up of "Halo" and "Walking On Sunshine." RACHEL: Yeah. That was my idea. MERCEDES: Whatever. Come on, we can do this in our sleep. You think those six dudes are gonna give us any competition? I say we just wing it. RACHEL: We can't just wing it. MERCEDES: All those in favour of winging it? All those opposed? (Rachel raises her hand pointedly) Looks like the ayes have it.
"Whoa! Democracy!" Brittany cheered. Finn enters the nurse's office. TERRI: Hi. How can I help you? FINN: Hey, Mrs. Schuester. TERRI: Uh-huh. FINN: I'm Finn Hudson. I'm in glee with your husband.
"Well done. Make it look as if Mr. Schue was a high schooler why don't you Finn." Quinn scolded. TERRI: Oh, hi, Finn. Oh, wait a minute. Are you the one who's dating Quinn Fabray? FINN: Yeah. Why? TERRI: Oh, you have really good bone structure. FINN: Yeah, um, I've been really tired lately and I was wondering if I could lie down in here for a while. TERRI: Why don't you have a seat? Why don't you tell me a little bit about your sleep habits? What time do you go to bed? FINN: Um, I don't know. Usually, after Skinemax starts playing regular movies again. And I'm normally tired, but lately I can't just fall asleep. It's like my brain won't shut up. TERRI: Well, what are you thinking about? Oh, you can be honest with me. There's a code of silence in my office. FINN: Okay, uh, football plays… TERRI: Uh-huh. FINN: Um, girls, dance steps… girls. TERRI: Girls? But you're dating Quinn Fabray. FINN: Yeah, but… Do you think a guy can be into two girls at once? TERRI: No. And remember, flirting is cheating. And the revenge of the jilted woman is usually pretty messy. FINN: So can I take my nap now? TERRI: Do you want to sleep through your life, Finn? FINN: No, but I read once that teenagers need more sleep than infants. TERRI: When I was in high school, I captained the cheerleading squad, I kept a perfect 4.0 GPA, I cultivated my popularity, and I maintained a loving relationship with the boy who would become my husband. (Beat.) TERRI: Wow. I don't even know how I did that. Wait a minute! Yes, I do. Pseudoephedrine. It's the stuff they put in decongestants to make them non-drowsy. It's kind of like a…well, like a vitamin. I would pop two of these blue meanies every morning and then I would be a firecracker for the rest of the day. FINN: Are they safe? TERRI: They're over-the-counter. They stock them next to the candy bars. Sweetie, I'm the school nurse. I know what I'm doing. Finn enters the choir room, looking extremely energetic. FINN: Hey, guys, how's it going? God, it's a beautiful day. Let's run through the number. I can't wait to do the number. I'm ready and excited. Are you guys? Stand up. Come on. Let's get this joint jumping. ARTIE: Has your soul been taken over by caffeinated space aliens? FINN: No, just visited the school nurse. Got this great vitamin. I feel fantastic. I can't wait to do the number. Let's do the number, and then afterwards, we can build a house for Habitat For Humanity. PUCK: What kind of vitamin? KURT: Vitamin C? Vogue magazine says it boosts energy levels and brightens the complexion. FINN: Vitamin D. And I got you guys some. *"It's My Life/Confessions Mash-up" plays. Featuring Finn, Kurt, Puck, Artie, Mike and Matt.* WILL: Awesome, guys. Geez, I didn't know you had it in you. It's like somebody slipped something in your juice boxes. (addressing the girls) You ladies better bring it tomorrow. Otherwise, we've got our opening number for sectionals! Rachel approaches Quinn at her locker. RACHEL: I haven't seen you at glee rehearsals. QUINN: I'm not superwoman. I know glee is your whole life but I have the Cheerios, I'm on honour roll, I have friends. RACHEL: You don't have to be embarrassed. No one at glee is gonna judge you. Look, I know everyone expects us to be enemies and be in competition, but I don't hate you. QUINN: Why not? I've been awful to you. RACHEL: That was before you knew what it felt like to be me. An outsider. More people are gonna start finding out about this, and you're gonna need friends who can relate. QUINN: How can you relate to what I'm going through? RACHEL: You don't think people whisper about me in the lunchrooms or draw pornographic pictures of me on the bathroom walls? QUINN: That was me, actually. RACHEL: Look, I don't agree with the choice you're making, but you're gonna need glee. You have seven months of your youth left. You should enjoy it. And let's face it, in a couple of months, that cheerleading uniform isn't gonna fit and we're gonna be all you have left. Just come back to practice. Boys versus girls. It's fun. And we could certainly use your voice right now. You're actually a good singer, Quinn. Occasionally sharp, but that's just because you lack my years of training. QUINN: I would have tortured you if the roles were reversed, you know? RACHEL: I know. Terri is on the phone. TERRI: Hi. It's Terri. HOWARD: Hi, Terri. This is Howard Bamboo. TERRI: Yeah, I know that, Howard. Okay, you know how I'm moonlighting as a nurse? Well, I need a favour. HOWARD: O-okay. TERRI: Go to the drugstore and get me a couple of boxes of decongestant. I'm running low, and I want the children at McKinley to be healthy and happy. HOWARD: Uh, h-how many boxes? TERRI: Um…Thirty-six. Terri hangs up the phone, Howard whimpers. Ken enters the nurse's office. KEN: Hey, Terri. TERRI: Oh, hi, Ken. What's up? KEN: Can we talk frank? TERRI: Uh… KEN: Listen…We have a problem. I think my girlfriend is in love with your husband. And I wouldn't be surprised if the feeling was mutual. TERRI: How long has this been going on? KEN: I don't know. A couple months. I see them together all the time laughing, talking…All the stuff she never does with me. TERRI: You know, I knew something was up. She couldn't keep her eyes off him at those Acafella clown shows. KEN: Listen, has Will ever mentioned it to you? TERRI: Oh, no, but he's too smart for that. I mean, just barely, but still. Oh, Ken, I gotta be honest with you. I only took this job so that I could keep an eye on him. We've got to put a stop to this so that I can get out of here. See, I'm not built to work five days a week. KEN: Well, I've been thinking maybe that if you and I started seeing each other on the side, it might kind of cancel their thing out. TERRI: Are you two still having sex? Because, you know, when that stops, something is up. KEN: We actually haven't, um… had sex yet. She doesn't like to be touched. By me. TERRI: Oh. KEN: God, I love her so much. (Ken starts crying) TERRI: Oh, uh…Okay. It's okay. There, there. KEN: Look at the two of us. You pregnant, and me with psoriasis and one testicle that won't descend. I don't know who to feel more sorry for. TERRI: Okay, that's enough. You know what? You have got to stop being such a baby. I cannot fix this unless you are willing to man up. KEN: Okay. I'm sorry. TERRI: Here's what you're going to do. You're going straight to the nearest department store to buy her an engagement ring. Then you're going to get down on one knee and you're going to ask that doe-eyed little harlot to marry you. KEN: No. I can't do that. What if she says no? It might kill me. TERRI: (she hands Ken a sheet of 'Vitamn D') Take two of these. Then nothing can stop you. Rachel addresses the other girls in the choir room. RACHEL: I told you guys. SANTANA: We know. You've been berating us for the better part of an hour. QUINN: Were they really that good? RACHEL: They were, Quinn. Look, I was fine with arranging, choreographing and directing this number free of charge. But we underestimated the boys. Their number will go to sectionals and once again, I will be humiliated. MERCEDES: How were we supposed to know they'd rock the house? They've never been good. TINA: How did they d-d-do it? Kurt stands in the doorway. KURT: The real question is, "What were they on?" Though I've been grouped with the boys, my allegiance still remains with you ladies. They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers. KURT: We all took something.
"TRAITOR!" all of the guys except Kurt, Finn, Chris and Darren shouted. Finn walks down the hallway and greets people as he goes. FINN: (offering a high five to another jock) My man, got next week's plays all worked out. Yeah. Hey, Mr. Schue, got that paper on Bariloche, Argentina on your desk. WILL: But it's not due for two weeks. FINN: Damn straight. I am in the zone! Rachel stalks up to Finn RACHEL: Cheater. FINN: I don't know what you're talking about. RACHEL: You took performance enhancers before your mash-up. Kurt told me. It's deplorable, contemptible, and it's just plain wrong. It's also cheating, as a matter of fact, I'm going to start calling you F-Rod. FINN: Hey, hey, back off. I'm nothing like a-rod, okay? I'd never take steroids. They make your junk fall off. Listen, Rachel, you don't know what it's like for me, the kind of pressure I'm under. RACHEL: Oh, we all have pressures, but you know how I deal with it? The natural way, with a rigorous diet and exercise routine. RACHEL: I'm up at 6:00 a.m. every day. I have my protein shake with banana and flaxseed oil, and by 6:10, I'm on the elliptical. You know how I motivate myself? Not with anything artificial. I set a goal and I won't rest until I reach it. FINN: Yeah, well, that's personal pressure. If you don't meet your goal, you're the only one who loses. I have to be the quarterback, the male lead, and deal with a pregnant girlfriend who yells at me about ice cream, so, yeah, maybe I helped me and my team-mates out a little bit, but it's only because I'm sick and tired of working so hard and still losing. RACHEL: Yeah, but winning by cheating isn't winning. FINN: Oh, don't give me that. The only reason you're so pissed about this is 'cause you know you can't compete with us. RACHEL: Oh, I am offended by that accusation. We haven't performed yet, but if I may say, our mash-up is spectacular. FINN: Still isn't going to be as good. We're gonna win. You're gonna lose. Deal with it. Terri is handing out 'Vitamin D' to all the glee girls. TERRI: Everyone gets a dose. Oh, except for Quinn. You get folic acid. Mama. (whispers) It's good for the baby. (to Howard) Get the lead out, Howard. We have patients waiting. RACHEL: Are you sure we should be doing this? TERRI: Oh, it's over-the-counter. It's safe. You can trust me. I'm a nurse. It's good for you. Rachel addresses their audience as the girls prepare for their number. RACHEL: Thank you so much. It really is a pleasure. While the boys chose a selection of songs that cast an eye inward on the irresponsible life choices and sexual hunger of today's modern teens, we have chosen a selection of songs that speaks to the nation as a whole during these troubling times filled with economic uncertainty and unbridled social woe. Because if there's two things America needs right now, that is sunshine and optimism. Also angels. *"Halo/Walking On Sunshine Mash-up" plays. Featuring Rachel, Quinn, Tina, Mercedes, Santana and Brittany.* WILL: Ladies, I-I don't even know what to say. You did such a good job. I don't know what you guys did, but whatever it was, keep doing it. Our celebrity judge has her work cut out for her. The bell rings and the glee club exits. QUINN: Mrs. Schuester. TERRI: Mm-hmm? QUINN: I need to talk to you…About the baby. TERRI: Is everything okay? Wait, you're not having it right now, are you?
"OH MY GOD!" Everyone said, exasperated.
"How does she even survive. I mean, even seven year olds know pregnancy lasts for 9 months" Puck questioned. TERRI: Mm-hmm. QUINN: I've been thinking about your offer. TERRI: Yeah? QUINN: I like my life. I like being a cheerleader. And I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but I really like being in glee club. I have all of these great things in my life, and it already feels like too much. (whispers) I can't raise a baby. TERRI: You know, honestly, I don't even know how you kids do it nowadays. I didn't have it this bad when I was your age. There weren't as many TV channels either, though. Is Finn okay with this? Because, you know, I don't want any baby daddy drama when you hand it over to me. QUINN: He's the reason I'm doing this. He's such a good guy, and he internalizes all this pressure. He's gonna have a heart attack. I never want Mr. Schuester to find out about this, though. I don't want to hurt him, either. TERRI: Well, your secret's safe with me. I have a lot more to lose. QUINN: One more thing. You know how you gave me those vitamins for the baby? TERRI: Mm-hmm. QUINN: I really appreciated that, but I'm gonna have all these doctor's bills, and I'm gonna need some new maternity clothes. TERRI: You want money from me? QUINN: It's gonna be your baby. TERRI: Which means I'm gonna be paying the bills for 18 years. I think you can handle nine months. Look, you're making the right call here, Quinn. It's what's best for everybody. Finn approaches Rachel in the courtyard. FINN: What's up, a-rage? Hey, sweet mash-up. You guys were so energetic. RACHEL: We were just taking a lesson from major league baseball. It's not cheating if everyone's doing it. We were just levelling out the playing field. FINN: You really believe that? RACHEL: No. Okay, I feel terrible. Even if we win, it's not gonna be satisfying. FINN: I know. I don't even remember performing. What do you think we should do? RACHEL: I think… the only way to make things right is to just withdraw from the competition. You know, admit that we were wrong and disqualify our respective teams immediately. No one gets to win. FINN: Cool. RACHEL: I'm sorry about what I said the other day. About calling you contemptible and deplorable. FINN: Ah, that's all right. I didn't even know what those words meant. RACHEL: What I meant to say is that I guess I get caught up in the competitive hysteria, too. My goals are too selfish. You know, it's time for me to stop competing against everyone and start competing alongside them. Terri and Mr. Schue are fighting in Figgins' office. WILL: What the hell were you thinking? You gave drugs to my students? TERRI: I'll say it again. They're over-the-counter, FDA-approved. And if I didn't give it to them, I'm sure the kids would just find a way to get it for themselves. WILL: No, no, they wouldn't. These are good kids. TERRI: Nothing bad happened. FIGGINS: Howard Bamboo got arrested. TERRI: Well, that. WILL: Wait. what? FIGGINS: Pseudoephedrine is an ingredient in the manufacturing of methamphetamines. Howard got picked up by the feds on suspicion of running a crystal meth lab. TERRI: I never told Howard to get them all in one place. WILL: Okay, enough, Terri. How are we supposed to raise a baby when I can't trust you to look after a group of teenagers? You are oblivious to consequences. TERRI: I was only trying to help you, will. WILL: Don't! Every time I light a fire in my life, you find a way to make sure it burns the forest down. FIGGINS: I have serious concerns about your judgment, Mrs. Schuester. I must ask you to resign as school nurse. TERRI: Fine. I was working too hard anyway. Mr. Schue and Terri get up to leave. FIGGINS: Hold onto your horses, Schue. I have to question your judgment in the matter as well. WILL: What? I had no idea this was even going on. FIGGINS: Exactly. The children rely on you to create the culture. And you, with your obsession with winning and-and competition, has fostered an unsafe environment. I'm bringing in someone else to co-chair the glee club. Someone with a track record of responsibility and excellence. In the choir room the students address Mr. Schue. FINN: We're really sorry, Mr. Schue. RACHEL: We didn't mean to get you into trouble. WILL: I'm really disappointed in you guys. Glee is supposed to be about what's inside your heart, not what's coursing through your veins. RACHEL: We know. And I think I speak for everyone when I say that we'd be happy to move forward and put this episode behind us. WILL: Well, it's not that simple. Because of this debacle, it's been decided that I'm no longer fit to run glee club myself. We've been assigned a co-director. RACHEL: Who? Sue walks into the choir room. SUE: Hey, kids. I gotta tell you, I'm just thrilled to be coming on board to co-captain your little, uh, showbiz cruise. Ah, I can't wait to start singing and dancing and maybe even putting on the ritz a little bit.
QUINN: What? No! Aren't you supposed to be a nurse?
