trigger warning: death involving surgery


I'm supposed to be happy watching my parents renew their vows. Happy that the made it this long, but I'm finding it hard to even focus on the vows being exchange, when I can feel eyes glaring at the back of my head. This isn't how any of this was supposed to happen.

I turn my head slightly, so I can see Lucas' green eyes locked on me. I know I should look away because the longer I stare the deeper I'm getting drawn in.

Auggie nudges me to get my attention. "The show is up front." He whispers loud enough for me to hear. "Who are you even looking at?" He follows my stare to Lucas. "You know, maybe you should talk to him."

I don't say anything; I just give him a half smile and turn my attention back to my parents. After what Lucas found out today, I don't think I'll much of a choice to ignore him. I know he'll push his way to talk and I'll let him through. He was my weakness at one point. Who am I kidding, he still is.

I'm stuck in a daze. Maybe Auggie is right, I should just talk to him. He was never supposed to know that I was pregnant and gave birth to a baby girl. He knows the truth know. He does deserve some explanations considering the baby was his too, even though he didn't even know she existed.

My thoughts were so consumed with what exactly I'm going to tell Lucas. If I'm going to tell him everything or just the things he needed to know. That I didn't realize that the ceremony ended.

"Are you coming?" Auggie says standing in front of me. "You've been staring off into nowhere. Are you okay?"

I stand up straightening out my dress, "Yeah I'm fine. Let's go." I loop my arm through his and we make our way out of the room. I guess we were the last ones to leave.

As we move closer to the door, I see the five of them standing by there with all eyes on me yet again. I wish they didn't come, but they are here. I'll just ignore them. I don't need anything happening here to ruin the day. I already feel guilty enough by completely zoning out during the ceremony.

I see them all make a movement towards me as I inch closer to them. They aren't going to leave me alone. "I'll meet you down the hall at the reception. I have to do something okay." I say unlooping my arm from Auggie's. He looks behind me and gives me a look of worry. "I'll be okay. Just go. I'll be there in a minute."

I watch my brother walk away and I'm kind of regretting telling him to go. Now, it's just the six of us. Might as well get it over with. I take a deep breath before I turn on my heels.

"Look I know you guys want to talk, but this is not the right time to do it." I say stopping in front of them.

"Well when will be the right time?" Lucas snaps. He has every right. He has questions, and I have the answers.

"I don't know, just not here." I try to walk away, but Lucas gently grabs my wrist. "Lucas please not here."

"One minute is all I'm asking." I look into his eyes and I can see them pleading with me. I can see pain. He does deserve answers now that he knows. He turns his attention to the others. "I need a minute alone with Riley do you guys mind." Smackle and Farkle start in the direction of the reception, and Zay tries to pull Maya to go with him, but she refuses to.

"Actually, I do mind." Maya looks directly at me. "Riley, if he gets to talk to you I feel like I should get-"

"This isn't the place for this, Maya." Lucas cuts her off. "Just please go. I need a minute alone with Riley." She doesn't move. "Zay, can you please help me here?"

"You know I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do." Zay says almost jokingly. It's true though. Maya won't do anything she doesn't want to do. At least that's what I remember about her.

"She isn't going to leave, and I need to get in there." I try to pull my wrist away that Lucas has had a grip on this whole time, but he slightly tightens his hold.

"No. I need a minute." He looks at Maya, but she still isn't budging. "Dammit Maya! Just go this is so much bigger than you!" I see her jump. The hostility is his voice is hard to ignore.

"Babe, they need to talk. C'mon." Zay takes Maya's hand, she is reluctant at first, but then she slows takes a step. I see tears in her eyes, but after today at the café I don't know if I can ever forgive her.

Soon they're gone, and it's just the two of us. I manage to take my wrist back. We stand there stealing looks at each other. Neither one of us say anything, I think we are both too scared to speak. I see him open and close his mouth three different times. I know he wants to say something, but he doesn't know how to.

"What is it that you want to know exactly?" I ask him. I know the answers he wants.

"I just, what do you mean she's gone?" he chokes out the words.

I thought we would build up to this, but leave it to him to come out swinging. "I mean that-"

"Riley, dad wants you in here." Auggie cuts me off coming from the reception. He looks at Lucas, "Oh, hey Lucas."

"Hey Auggie."

He returns his attention to me, "Dad really wants us in there, so come on." He takes my arm and pulls me. I look back at Lucas.

"We'll finish later." He says loud enough for me to hear as I get pulled down the hall into the reception.

I wasn't ready to talk about it. I don't think I'll be ready. No one knows. Besides me and a few other people. Now Lucas. My own parents don't even know. I don't think I'll be able to finish having this talk later.

As I step into the reception room, I get bombarded by hugs from all my relatives. Some I haven't seen in a few years, if they aren't around when I'm down for Christmas they miss me for the year. Most of them don't even know what's going on in my life. They would be shocked to know that I dropped out of college considering I made such a big deal about getting into a good one while I was in high school.

For the first few hours, I stay close with Auggie. Partly because I'm trying to suck up as much time I have left with him, but I'm also using him as a shield. I use him to keep me away from my old friends who have not once tried to talk to me and help me avoid certain topics with family members. Whenever I get ask a question I don't want to answer. He can tell because I become tense and start to stutter. Auggie manages to deter the conversation. He has a way to distract people. It was working out great until Ava shows up.

"Riley!" She comes charging at me. "You're really here!" She pulls me into a suffocating hug.

Ava and I have become surprising close especially with me living in another state. She's like the little sister I never had. I also had to make sure she was good enough for my brother as I saw that they were getting serious. I know she can be a little over the top sometimes, but I can see how she really feels about my brother. She loves him and he loves her, and for now that is good enough for me.

I laugh, "I'm here. How have you been?" She loosens the hug to let me breath.

"Overwhelmed with school." She groans. "Your father is trying to kill us. Sorry I haven't came over to see you. Your father is trying to kill us with homework."

"I understand. School comes first."

"I know, but you leave tomorrow!"

"I'll be back in just two months for Christmas."

"Good because I miss you!" This girl starts blaring from the speakers. "I love this song! C'mon Auggie, we're gonna dance!" She drags him away from me.

"Hey you were supposed to stick by my side!"

"Sorry! Ava gets what Ava wants" He says disappearing into the crowd. Now I'm here alone.

"Can we talk now?" I turn around a bump into Lucas.

"Not now," I snap.

"I know you Riley."

"You don't know who I am anymore."

"I know you'll sneak away because you are scared. Of what, I don't know. You're leaving back to wherever it is you ran to, right?" I don't say anything. I just look down. "That's what I thought."

I take a deep breath, "I'll talk to you, just not right now."

"By the end of the night, I'm coming to find you." The way he said it sends chills down my spine. I'm not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. He walks away, and all I can think about is how can I hide from him, along with everyone else, for the rest of the night.

I make my way to the open bar. Since I can legally drink now might as well make the best of it, especially with everything that has occurred today. At least Maya has managed to leave me alone. I didn't want to cause a scene. I haven't seen Zay, Farkle, or Smackle all night either, they might be wrapped in keeping Maya away from me. Before I know it, I'm on my third drink. It does what I want it to do though, it releases some of the tension built up.

"You might want to slow down there." I hear my Grandma Amy say from behind me.

"I will I promise." I try to avoid eye contact. She has always been good at detecting when something was wrong.

"How about we go sit down, and you tell me how Seattle is?" I automatically look around to make sure no one heard. I let out a sign of relief when I don't see anyone. Even if there was someone around, the music would have made it hard to hear.

I follow her lead to a table. She takes a seat, and I follow suit. She looks out onto the dance floor, and I follow her gaze. We both stare at my parents. My mom looks beautiful and my dad looks handsome. They have the biggest smiles on their faces as they get lost in each other eyes.

"Your grandfather would have love to have been here." She drops her head.

I reach over to grab her hand, "I miss him too, every day."

My grandpa Alan died last year in the beginning of July. It was supposed to be a simple procedure, that's what the doctors kept saying. No complications were supposed to happen, but there are always risk when some goes under. Just another reason why I hate hospitals.

"I'd do anything to have one more moment with him."

"I know grandma. I can't imagine losing the love of my life. I lost my grandpa, but you lost your other half, your person." She gives me a look I don't quite understand. Did I say something wrong?

"Riley, you did lose the love of your life." What does she mean? "You don't think I didn't notice during the whole ceremony you kept stealing glances at Lucas, and his eyes never once left you. Yes, I remember him. I also remember how crazy in love you guys were, reminded me of your parents."

"We were not Cory and Topanga." I cut her off.

"No you guys weren't, but the love that you two had was just as strong. I believe it's still there if you let it be. I don't know what he did or what happened to make you want to run away, but Riley if you can get past it. Try. You have not been serious about anyone since him. I haven't seen your eyes shine the way they have tonight in a very long time, and I would bet that it's because Lucas is near." I don't say anything. "I'd do anything to have one last day with Alan, but I don't get that chance. You though, you get that chance."

"Grandma, what am I supposed to do?"

She puts her fingers under my chin and lifts my head to look at her. "You do what feels right."

My dad makes his way to us, "Mom, do you mind if I steal my daughter for a bit?"

"Of course." My grandma stands up and places a hand on my shoulder, "Remember do what feels right." She turns her attention to my dad. "Now, where's Topanga?" My dad gestures to the dance floor and my grandma glides away.

My dad takes the seat that was once occupied by my grandma. "So, what did she say that has you all rattled?"

"Dad, do you think I made a mistake when I left all those years ago?"

"I don't know; do you feel like it was a mistake?"

I sigh, "I know it was something at the time I needed." Lucas comes into my line and vision and my eyes follow him.

"You should talk to him."

"What?"

He nods his head in the direction of Lucas. "He misses you. I know I said that one of them checks in monthly, but Lucas he asks weekly about you. He did go to Texas, but transferred to Cornell to be here in New York. He said if you decided to come home, he wanted to be here. He's been waiting for you. I have to fight with myself constantly to not tell him where you are when he does ask."

"Dad, I still love him." I'm fighting the tears back.

"I know, and I know he still loves you."

"It'll never work."

He looks at me confused, "Why not?"

"There is a lot that he doesn't know. There is a lot you don't know. If I tell him, I have to tell you and mom." I take a deep breath. "I have secrets. If you really found the website, then you would know-"

"About Hope Olivia Matthews." My jaw drops. "I wanted to say something the second I found out. Yell at you for not telling me or your mom what happened. We would have helped you through everything."

I have to choke back the tears "I don't want to ask why you didn't say anything, just thank you." I throw my arms around his neck. "You didn't say anything right? To mom or Lucas?"

"I wanted to, but no. You have to be the one to tell you."

"I'll tell mom, but I have to tell Lucas first. He found out today that I was pregnant when I left. He wants to know what happens. He deserves to know." I look at Lucas and his eyes are already on me. "You think he'll hate me?"

"Lucas couldn't hate you even if he wanted to."

"I hope your right." I stand up. "If I don't talk to him now, I'll lose all courage." I give my dad hug.

I start to make my way to Lucas. He's eyes are locked on mine the whole time. It's now or never. He needs to know the truth; I have to find the strength to tell him. As I get closer with each step, the courage leaves my body. I can't do this.

I make a detour back to the bar and start drinking as fast as I can. I need to find some type of courage, even if it's liquid courage.

"Hey." I should have known he would follow me.

"Hi." I hear my words slur.

I see the smile that makes me weak play on his lips. "Hi." We just fell into our old routine. I don't say anything. I try to hide the smile consumes my lips. "You think we can talk now." I hesitate a little, but nod my head. "C'mon we can go out into the hall. It's quieter."

I follow him out into the hall. My heart is about to burst out of my chest. I'm scared he is going to hate me. I can't live in a world where Lucas Friar hates me.

"So, what did you mean she's gone? Did you mean you gave her up for adoption? Or that s-she di-died?" He stammers on the last words.

The tears start forming in my eyes, "I meant both."