Purgatory.
The very word brought pain and blood and dark memories to Dean's mind. But the thing that stood out most to him was his failure to save Cas. Benny was a good friend, a strong ally, but Cas was the man he loved more than anything else. Leaving the angel behind in Purgatory haunted Dean, which was why he thought he was seeing Castiel everywhere he went.
But when Cas finally showed up for real in that motel, Dean was dumbfounded. And the memory of how they'd parted in Purgatory bled fresh, bringing sharp pain.
The day after Cas came back to him, Dean went out to the store to grab a couple of things, but he was distracted. His thoughts were constantly turning back to the hellish time in Purgatory, and to Cas specifically. He couldn't stop wondering, Why? Why was Cas back? Why was the angel not pissed at him that he couldn't save him? Why had he failed?
Dean remembered first seeing Cas again and seeing him whole. It gave him the push he needed to commit to finding the way out for them both. He wanted to step foot on Earth again, hand in hand with Cas; get drunk and have sex until he died and went to Heaven where Cas would be waiting for eternity.
Losing him again so soon, Dean also wondered how he managed to stay sane.
Cas was back though, but somehow, Dean wasn't happy. Even after they'd gotten Kevin back, when Cas showed Dean what really happened at the portal in Purgatory, he still felt confused. He wanted to kiss Castiel, to hold him and make sure he was real; he also wanted to punch him in the face, scream at him how stupid it was what he did and how much it hurt. But Dean did none of those things, because he still had to sort out Kevin and his mother.
Late at night a few days later after they'd handed off Kevin and his mother, Sam was sleeping and Dean quietly slipped out of the motel room they were in. He didn't know where Cas was, but for the moment, he didn't quite care. He wasn't planning on going anywhere, but as per usual he got into the driver's seat of the Impala. The windows were down and Dean stuck his left arm out into the chilly night air and leaned back in the seat.
His mind was wrapped around Purgatory just as he wished for a second that his arms could be around Castiel. But the feeling passed almost instantaneously. Dean mulled over the images that Cas had imprinted into his mind earlier. He didn't remember things the way Cas had shown him, but he had no reason to believe that Cas had made it up or lied about his wanting of penance.
Dean knew that Cas was troubled, he had been even when his marbles were scattered all over the floor. But Dean also knew that Cas wouldn't lie to him, not after everything else that had happened. Suddenly banging the steering wheel with the palm of his hand, Dean cursed and sighed heavily.
"What is it, Dean?" Cas asked, suddenly appearing in the passenger seat with the flutter of his wings as the only announcement to his presence.
Dean jumped and glanced over. "Jesus, Cas, you still scare the crap outta me when you do that."
"I'm sorry," Cas replied sheepishly with a half-smile. They were silent for a moment before Cas abruptly turned and started, "Dean—"
"Cas, you're not lying about the whole Purgatory thing," Dean interrupted, "right?" His eyes stayed focused on the building across the street.
The angel's own eyes traced Dean's jawline in the moonlight as he hesitated a moment. "No, I'm not lying. I wouldn't lie to you, especially not about that." Dean's only response was a tight nod. They grew silent again for a long time.
Eventually, Cas reached out a hand and touched Dean's cheek, but the other man didn't move. "Dean," he started again. "Do you still… love me?"
Dean's face slowly turned towards Cas. His eyes were soft but heavy with conflicting emotions. "I don't know, man," he said, shaking his head slightly. "I mean, I do, but... My head is still all jumbled up from that place and now everything with Kevin and demons and all the other loads of crap constantly being piled on my plate." He was talking with his hands the way he did when he was flustered, Cas noticed.
"I told you before, Dean, you don't have to be responsible for everything. Those 'loads of crap' don't only have to be on your shoulders. You have Sam, and Garth, and… you have me. You'll always have me." Castiel's voice held conviction though it was soft and soothing.
Dean tried to breathe steadily. "What… what happens if I don't love you?"
Cas paused, contemplating while wringing his hands before saying, "I suppose things will become strange when we are around each other, then."
"And if I do?"
"Then I can do this whenever I want," Cas replied, leaning over the console and putting his hands on either side of Dean's face to bring their lips together.
Dean seemed to want to draw back at first but he quickly surrendered. Suddenly Cas was sitting on his lap, hands running over his chest. Dean brought his arms up around the angel's body, the contours of which were warm and familiar.
"Damn, I've missed this," Dean muttered, Cas and his mouths moving as one passionately.
Cas moved his lips across Dean's sharp jawline and nibbled at his ear, whispering, "We should move this inside."
"What about Sam?" Dean asked as Cas pulled away.
"Don't worry," Cas replied with a smirk, "I put him into a deep sleep."
Dean made a noise that was half a snort and half a laugh. "You knew this would happen, didn't you?"
Cas shrugged. "I took precautions." Dean grinned and Cas flew them from the front seat to the bed inside the motel where they landed with a thump, Castiel's knees on either side of Dean's hips.
Dean helped the angel out of his coat and tossed it away. He wrapped his fingers around Castiel's tie and pulled him in for a deeper kiss. He paused though, after a few moments. "Cas, I don't really think we should be doing this right now," he said softly, hesitantly.
"Why not?" Cas trailed his mouth across Dean's neck to the hollow of his throat. "I missed you, though," he breathed, his hand dipping down to brush against Dean's thigh.
Dean's eyes fluttered as he groaned at Cas' touch. He'd dreamed of being together again for months; even in Purgatory he'd thought about it often, knowing it was impossible while they were there. But they were here. Finally together. And Dean couldn't come up with a viable answer so he just continued attempting to hold back the soft moans gathering in his throat while the angel's cool fingers slid off his clothes and caressed every inch of his lean, scarred body.
"You're merciless," he muttered sometime later, as Castiel's lips kissed the tenderest places on his body. "I'd call you a demon if I didn't know better," Dean added, suddenly rolling over on top of Cas. He grinned and kissed the angel's soft mouth before whispering hoarsely, "My turn."
