Chapter 6: Powerless
Alexz sat on the kitchen floor, trying her hardest to blink back the teas that constantly threatened to fall. It was past 2 AM now. She thought that maybe she could do this, she thought maybe she was strong enough, but the only thing she'd proven to herself was just how weak she really felt on the inside. She couldn't do it could she? Not now, not alone, not left with these deafening thoughts, that nagged her and played over and over in her head like a broken record. She was powerless, completely powerless. It was like her thoughts had a voice of their own.
She bit her lip looking up through watery eyes, she was tired of seeing this same setting over and over, every day. She couldn't change it, she'd tried. Just maybe not hard enough. No one ever seen this part did they? No one asked, no one listened, no one heard her, she was like a tiny voice no ones ear could hear.
She knew fully well the consequences, it was out of control, had she ever really had control? Wasn't that what this was about? If so she failed miserably. Maybe she was really breaking from the inside out.
Alexz attempted to stand now, holding onto the counter in front of her, wiping the tears away with the back of her hand. The room swirled around her, and her legs felt like jell-o. She wanted to give up, to give in to it all, but something always held her, no matter how close she came, something always kept her from giving up.
She looked around, everything feeling hazy, and she wondered if she'd make it back to her bed. She'd been out here for hours now, looking at the same things over and over searching for something she knew would never satisfy her. She put her head down, trying to take away the ache. She'd called Tim this morning, and told him the news, not like it had made a difference in what was going on now. She let her mind go back to the moment. She'd tried to keep her voice as emotionless as possible, relieved that she wasn't pregnant. She closed her eyes and breathed for a second, at least one good thing. She couldn't imagine having a baby right now, not because of her, or who she was, but what she had to live day in and day-out, Tim was right...
She stood her hands shaking. This was becoming a more regular thing all over again wasn't it, and she never knew how to stop it. He was vindictive, and cruel, she believed his words. Why she didn't know anymore. She'd go to bed physically empty again...a pattern that was all too much lately. At least she'd have tonight to herself, to give herself some room to breathe, to think, and maybe even sleep, dare she think the impossible.
Sleep scared her, she'd woken up too many times with him doing things she'd rather never speak of. Her dreams haunted her lucid and vivid as they were. She hated panic, and anxiety, it came along with the night. But also with the night came reason sometimes, loneliness, where she'd sit in the dark. The dark had it's freedom and fears all at the same time. Sometimes she'd hold her phone, sitting in a ball in the corner of her couch just waiting for it to ring, to just once hear the comforting voice without question, and without asking. She felt like a burden whenever she even spoke to people lately. Like maybe they were just obliged to be a part of her life, and they really didn't want to be...
She could feel her hands tremble, and her stomach roll, she was beyond hungry now, and if she wanted to stay conscious she probably needed something inside of her. She began searching the cupboards again furiously, pulling things down and out. Nothing looked safe, or appetizing, nothing looked like something she could do. She put her head in her hands, she was hopeless. She moved to the refrigerator finding some left over homemade chicken soup with rice, she decided she'd heat that up and at least try.
Alexz brought the bowl into the living room while chanting to herself. "I can do this, it's only soup, I can do this, I can do this..." She could right? She liked to think she had at least that much control. She felt like she was losing her mind, hoping that someone would rescue her from this living hell she called her head now.
She flicked the TV on browsing through channels but not really paying attention to what was in front of her, she was more concerned with the thoughts playing images in her minds eye, that just came whenever it pleased now. There was worse out there, she needed to stop feeling sorry for herself and suck it up. She looked down and bit her lip, feeling stubborn, she spooned a bite of soup to her mouth with a shaky hand, wanting to throw up the minute it hit her tongue, but she fought it. She could do this...She wasn't going to let him win this moment, maybe just this one moment. She needed the victory. She needed one time, one moment, in which someone would allow her to feel somewhat human, but she knew of only one person that made her feel a fraction of that.
Alexz set the bowl down refusing to cry now, she paced the room for a minute scrubbing her hands over her face and through her hair, trying to rid her body of the frustrated feeling, restlessness, that need to run and never stop. Fear always stopped her. Fear was her biggest weakness, and her worst enemy. She clenched her fists over and over, then moved from the room, into the kitchen. She couldn't stand this feeling, like she was physically repulsed by her own presence if that made any sense. This itchy feeling to just jump out of her own skin.
Sitting on the floor she began pulling cans from the cupboard, rearranging them in order to her liking, then moved from one place to the next putting things in neat order. David always messed things up, the only thing that kept her life out of total disarray was organization right now. She wanted to hit him, pound on him so bad right now, but what would that solve, he'd only hurt her worse...if not kill her...She tried to keep her mind focused and her hands moving...
Feeling frustrated all over again, she looked around, still refusing to let her mind sink into the oblivion it had been lately. She felt slightly numb, as she grabbed her coat, purse and keys, she couldn't handle this no more, she prayed she wouldn't pay for this now, as she headed out her front door locking it.
Alexz closed her eyes inhaling deeply as the elevator dinged signaling that it had hit the lobby, it felt like a eternity she'd been in there which in reality was only mere moments. She wasn't sure what drove her right now, she wasn't even sure she was in the right mind, maybe she should just go back upstairs, now if she knew what was good for her she would. Right now she didn't care, the only life she knew went down the drain, what was left, why should she care now? There had to be a reason but she didn't find that answer as she climbed into the drivers seat of her car, looking around on instinct. He'd pulled a stunt like that before on her, She was too paranoid now.
After carefully examining the entire inside of her car, she started it, put it in gear and drove away more forcefully than intended. She bit back a few tears trying to keep her hands from shaking, and she drove, until she found herself cautiously standing on a familiar doorstep, not sure if she should even knock or not. She moved to turn around biting back the tears of loss at her own movements, just as the door opened.
"Al?" She heard a voice stopping her in her tracks. "What are you doing?" She turned around not finding the words to explain herself. The next thing she knew she was pulled into strong arms. "I missed you sweetie, where have you been? And why were you going to leave?" Her father asked her looking slightly hurt but more surprised. "I uh, I wasn't sure you guys were awake, or even..well it's so early... I don't know Daddy, I'm sorry it's been a while, things have been kind of crazy with David back and fourth in and out of town, and all this stuff. I missed you, I just wanted to, I just wanted to see you guys. I'm sorry it's so early in the morning." Alexz tried to keep her feelings hidden from her features. "We missed you too baby, why don't you come in?" Her father asked. She nodded and followed him into her childhood home. The place she'd always wanted to be able to seek solace. David had ruined that too. There was a fair amount of things, she'd found he'd ruined lately.
Gary pulled out a chair for her in the kitchen, getting up to make some coffee. "So where is that boy now anyway?" He asked her nonchalantly. "He, He's out of town on a job, he'll be back in a few days." She tried to keep her answers simple, not giving too many clues, when all she wanted to do was clue them into what she couldn't say to them. "So mom still asleep?" She asked. Gary nodded at her, everyone must be but him, she wasn't sure why she'd even came so early, she just knew she needed away from her apartment even for a little while. "Always the early bird, I've been awake, so no worrying about the time Alexzandra you know no matter what time it is, you are always welcome home." Gary tried to look stern but only smiled at her, missing her so.
Alexz looked around thoughts plaguing her, she needed to stop being so scared.
Alexz sighed, running a hand through her hair. Her family would be up soon, and they would have many, many questions. Why had she been away so long, what was going on in her life, was she looking for a new record label. She could hear all the questions already inside her head. She wasn't sure how to answer any of them. She couldn't tell them about everything with David. The mess with him alone comprimsed everything else she was trying to deal with. She would be back to work in a few months, but that didn't change the fact that at the moment, she felt useless and as if she had nothing. She felt so unwanted thinking about how her label had just decided to turn everything upside down. She had always known that she had her music, but now she didn't even have that. At least not on the level she wanted it.
She looked as her father stood over the stove, mxing something together. She wasn't sure why he was up this early. He must have to work, she told herself. As her eyes caught the clock, she saw that it was only 3:30 in the morning. It would be hours before any of her siblings would be up. Her mom might be eventually, but sickness had made its way through the houses shortly after she'd returned home from L.A., and the way things worked here, it just kept going from one person to the next, to the next to the next.
"S-so how are the kids doing in school," she asked softly, trying to get her head away from where it was going with her own demonic thoughts.
Gary smiled from where he stood, glancing at her briefly as he continued to cook. Hissing from the tea pot on the stove drove Alexz to her feet, wanting to do something with her hands. While her father talked, she poured both of them a cup.
"MacKenna and Zak are enjoying high school to the fullest. They've both gone out for different winter sports, and I think they're going to both try for co-ed baseball this spring. Garrison is learning basics in division, which he's starting to understand, and Caity is just happy to be in her las year of school."
"Thats nice," Alexz tried to keep her voice from sounding distant. She wasn't even sure she could even focus at this point she was actually tired. She followed her dad into the living room where he could watch his morning shows which he always did before everyone else got up. She set her tea on a coaster and leaned back pulling the afgan over herself she leaned on her fathers shoulder, something she hadn't done in a very long time. He wrapped his arm around her enveloping her in a protective fatherly gesture. It felt good to have that. The next thing she knew she was asleep, or even if she knew it.
As she slept, it was dreamless, never actually hitting REM sleep. Noises coming from the TV and clattering as people began to awake woke her every now and then until finally she felt a pair of arms envalope her tightly, followed by squeals of joy. She opened her eyes slowly, seeing that it was her mother hugging her, and she smiled, hugging her back.
"Alexz, sweetie, its so good to see you," her mother sobbed softly. Alexz struggled to keep her own composure. She missed her parents so badly.
Trinity and Isaiah threw themselves at her sides, clinging to her with hugs as well. She saw them more than anyone else in her family, but still it wasn't enough to her. She wanted to be with these people always; if only there was a way; Surely she would have found it already.
"C'mon," Trinity giggled softly as she pulled on Alexz's hand. "Lets have breakfast!" Alexz smiled, staring down at the little girl with her mussed sleep hair. She was beautiful in every way; gosh how Alexz had missed her dearly. It was too much to be away from these kids. She always wished deep down in her heart that they were her own, but she was too young, she always told herself. There was no way she could do it, especially within the rate at which her life spun.
Finally, she stood from the couch, lifting Trinity into her arms and following everyone else as they made their way into the kitchen. Her siblings had taken their rightful places in different seats, and Alexz found a place next to her mother, setting Trinity down in the chair next to her. She self consciously ran a hand through her hair, hoping sleep hadn't messed it up; not that it was anything special to begin with. She'd been a mess when she'd shown up.
Suddenly she was dreading this when she saw breakfast begin to be served. A hot plate was put in front of her filled with buttery syrupy homemade waffles, turkey bacon, soy sausage, fruit, and a glass with the choice of lactaid or orange juice. She looked down and tried her best not to panic. 'How could she possibly eat all this?' she thought. She knew that breakfast was a very important family meal and that shed have to somehow get it down, and try to get past the nagging torturing thoughts in her head even for a few moments.
She looked around the table, seeing everyone already getting started on their meals, but seeing other plates, she felt as if they had given her more than anyone else has been given. Why would they do this to her? They knew she struggled, yet they were trying to force food on her?Alexz looked to her mother, who looked up at her for a moment before one of Alexz's sisters called her name. Alexz busied herself with cutting up Trinity's breakfast, trying to delay her need to eat breakfast. If she could focus on that for a few moments, maybe she wouldn't be forced to eat all she had been served.
Once she was finished however, she scanned the table for Isaiah. He was sitting next to her mother, with his food already cut up. Alexz gulped, inwardly telling herself she could do this, even though she felt as if she didn't want to. She slowly picked up her fork and began cutting a small corner from one of the waffles, shaking it off on the plate for a moment to get some of the syrup and butter off. The less she ate the better it would be. Still, as she brought the fork to her lips, she could feel her hand shaking, almost as if it were telling her she shouldn't be doing this.
She forced herself to hold her tears back, slowly cutting tiny pieces of the different foods that had been placed on her plate, and taking small bites of them. She gulped down more than her fair share of lactaid, trying to take up some of the room inside her stomach.
As Alexz stared down at her plate, she inwardly begged her body to send the signals to her stomach that she was full. She felt as if she'd eaten enough already, but still, she physically felt anything but full. Tears brimmed her eyes as she looked around, seeing some of her siblings already getting up to rinse their dishes, yet so much of her food still laid on the plate. She had to finish this or her family would reject her. They'd thing she was a nuisance. They wouldn't want her around, and she'd be condemned to going back to the hell hole she called home.
They couldn't know that she'd begun to struggle with this again, it must have been so easy for them the first time, they'd never understand now, things were different more complicated. She looked back at her mother who eyed her worriedly for a moment before moving to wash Isaiah. Alexz knew that look well. She didn't want to be the subject of it. She took her fork and pushed it into the waffled maybe if she could just get it gone. Getting it past her mind was difficult enough. She wanted to run for the hills. She chewed the bite feeling like so much she wanted to spit it back, but that was disgusting.
She was disgusting her behaviour was disgusting! She should be ashamed of herself for this. She forced herself to chew and swollow, one bite then another trying to detach her brain somehow, numb herself of the thoughts. She felt like everything around her suddenly became a fog, and she was sitting alone with this food that had now become one of her worst enemies. She wished she could feel full, but she was starving. She felt like she could eat this plus and just keep going as much as she hadn't wanted it, she'd deprived herself so much lately and it tasted so good.
Once she realized she had actually finished her food, she gave her mother a weak smile and moved to put her plate in the sink. She felt weak, she was weak! She scolded herself inside her head for having ate all that food. She was disgusting, and fat, weak, gross, and undeserving. Her mind manipulated her with these thoughts. She could suddenly hear Davids voice in her head
"You're getting so fat Alexz why do you even eat? Why do you eat so much Alexz you're such a pig," She felt shaky, like a deer caught in the headlights as everyone around her would certainly catch on sooner or later if she didn't do something to calm this panicked state she was deeply in now. She tried to divert her mind, she poured herself a cup of coffee not putting anything in it to avoid more calories than she'd already had. She hated herself. All she wanted to do was break. Suddenly she felt overwhelmed with the full feeling inside her, sitting in her stomach like she'd swallowed a boulder. She couldn't let anyone catch onto her distorted thoughts.
"Al, wanna go to the mall with us," her sisters asked from the door way. She gulped, wondering if maybe she went with them, she'd find a way to do this. Her thought process was quickly stopped however, as her mother spoke.
"You girls can go later. We haven't seen your sister in weeks. Let her spend some time with the family. Your brothers will be here later," her mother informed her softly.
Alexz whimpered, so silently however, that she wasn't heard by anyone. Her sisters both gave heavy groans before walking away, and Alexz walked into the living room, offering to help get Trinity and Isaiah dressed. Maybe she could find a way to do this once she was done with them. No one would suspect it…
Once Trin and Zae were dressed, she'd moved to the bathroom to wash her hands and put their dirty pyjamas in the hamper. She'd clicked the door shut and the next thing she knew she found herself kneeling in front of the toilet bowl with her fingers down her throat, almost out of pure desperation. Hot tears poured down her face, and she had everything she could do not to kick her foot against the floor, biting down onto her hand to ease some of the pain from the force of retching past her fingers, but had not yet produced anything which angered her.
She pulled her hand out to breathe for a second and spit a mouthful into the toilet, only to push her fingers back into her throat once more. She couldn't stand it, she had to get it out of her, it was like she could feel it under her skin, adding to her by the second, she couldn't handle the heavy feeling in her stomach, it terrified her. The full feeling. She needed to be empty, she needed to purge away the pain, the thoughts, the torture. She wished she could purge herself away completely sometimes.
She sat there for a moment, telling herself she could do it, and that she WOULD do it. She told her body that it had to get the food out. She had no choice. With that, she moved back onto her knees, sticking her fingers into the back of her throat once again. It took a few moments, but her body finally gave in, and she heaved into the toilet. Rather than feeling happy, though, she felt disappointed. What was in the toilet was nothing close to what she'd eaten.
She forced her fingers back into her throat, doing it over and over again until her body ached, and she tasted nothing but stomach acid. Her chest and throat burned badly from it, and her mouth had the worst taste.
Alexz flushed the toilet, pushing herself slowly to her feet to wash her hands and rinse her mouth out. The mouthwash was in the same place as always was luckily, so she rinsed her mouth quickly before Listerine back into the sink. She rinsed it out and then looked up at herself in the mirror. She looked pale, and her eyes were bloodshot. Her mother would know the moment she saw her. What had she been thinking, coming here?
Suddenly she found herself pacing the bathroom in a panic almost afraid to leave the room. She had to find a excuse, a little white lie, something to make what just happened legit, or this would be a war. She could feel it already. She let sobs hit her like a ton of bricks. When all she wanted was her family she couldn't even have it. He'd even taken over this part of her life.
He'd taken control of everything. She had nothing left. She left herself sit onto the floor her face falling into her hands and her shoulders wracking with the sobs that hurt her already aching insides. She just wanted a semblance of something left that hadn't fallen into a million pieces at her very floor of her soul.
She shook her head as she cried, telling herself she was stupid. It was the first time she'd seen her family in so long and she had to find a way to ruin it. And now she was crying! What was her excuse for that supposed to be? Her family would think she was nuts. Disappearing to the washroom for way too long and then having a crying fit? What the hell was wrong with her? Why couldn't she just get it together.
A knock came from the door and Alexz whimpered but forced herself to suck it up. She stood slowly, walking to the door, wiping under her eyes once more before she opened the door. A small smile crossed her face as she saw Brendan standing in front of her. She didn't say a thing, simply enveloping him in her arms. She had missed him so much as well, having barely seen him since they'd left London. There had been days when it felt like he kept her creative juices sane. He kept her from letting her ideas run wild when she wrote.
"Hey, Al." His voice was soft as he hugged her back for a moment before she finally pulled away. He examined her face and gave her a once-over, frowning slightly. "Something wrong?"Alexz shrugged, forcing out the first lie that came to mind. "I was just missing everyone and thinking about the fact that eventually I have to go home. David will be home in a few days, and when he's home we're always busy," she lied through her teeth. She was trapped, not busy.
Brendan nodded, hugging her once more. He wrapped an arm around her, leading her towards the stairs. "Maybe we all should just kidnap you for a few weeks," Brendan joked as he laughed, following her down the stairs.
"I wish," Alexz spoke softly, feeling tears in her eyes again. She genuinely did wish they could kidnap her. She wished they could kidnap her and she would never have to go back to David again. She wished she could go up to her room in the house she would always call home, and curl into her old bed and sleep for days. She WANTED to go to the mall with her sisters today. She WANTED to write songs with her brother, and she WANTED to be able to be here to help with Trinity and Isaiah. She wanted a lot of things, but she would never have them. At least not at this rate.
David didn't allow any of this If he found out she was even here there would be hell to pay. She hadn't even thought, she'd been so numb. She could feel herself shiver then physically begin to shake. She needed a reprieve. She needed to be knocked senseless so she couldn't think anymore. She needed a magic pill that would make the world all better. She needed anything but this. She was torn, hopeless, useless. Worthless at this point. She'd probably be better off going home. She tried not to cry. She didn't want her family to hate her. She was so scared of them finding out. Then purging on top of that, her mind was out to get her.
She sighed heavily looking up as her family was beginning to gather in the living room, watching something on the news. Whatever it was, she was too distracted to care.
Alexz walked to her mother's side by the sink, kissing her cheek and hugging her. "I think I'm going to get going, Mom. I have a lot of stuff I need to get finished today."Alexz's mother looked up at her with a discerning look, shaking her head. "Why don't you ever come around anymore, Alexz? You used to be so happy, and you were here all the time. Now you're cold, and distant. I feel like we've rewound five years."Alexz shuddered inwardly, forcing herself to not think of her past. "M-mom-""I'm sorry, sweetheart. Its just that we all miss you. Your sisters were crying the other night listening to some of your music because we all miss you so much. We wish you were here more often. You work on your birthday, and some times you're not here for Christmas…Am I losing my daughter?" Tears brimmed Alexz's mothers eyes as she looked at her daughter, and Alexz felt herself falling part too.
"I'm sorry mom! I'm so so sorry!" Tears began spilling down her cheeks, and she couldn't stop them. She felt so stupid. She deserved to be yelled at Her family must think she didn't give a two shits of what was going on in their lives these days. After all, she was never around anymore.
David was going to be livid. She had a bad feeling he'd be there waiting when she got home today. Maybe she should spare herself and leave now.
Alexz forced herself to pull it together. If she was going to make a clean getaway, she'd have to suck it up. "I'm just going to run out to my car and get something, okay mom," Alexz asked softly. She'd only used this cop out once before, but boy had she been reamed for it.
Alexz's mother watched sadly as her daughter pulled away, something was definitely not right. This was not the daughter she knew. She'd changed, the change making her wonder, and hurt.
Alexz knew her mother knew, but she had to leave; she couldn't stay longer. The longer she stayed, the more trouble she'd be in later, she was sure of it.
She walked out the back door, walking around the side of the house to her car, trying to keep herself together. She prayed her siblings weren't dressed and outside already. She didn't want to have to make up an excuse to leave.
As she rounded the front of the house, she breathed a sigh of relief, jogging down to her car and slipping into the front seat, settling her purse next to her. She looked back up at the house for a moment, her bottom lip trembling at the fact that she had to leave, just like always. She hated leaving this house, hated leaving her family. Just once she wished she could stay, but she probably never would be able to again. Not with him.
Alexz pulled into the parking area trying her hardest not to see him standing there. She shook a little as she shut the car off. He was leaning against his little Avenger with his arms crossed and a wicked smile on his face that chilled her to the bone, she hated that look always. She looked at him and hit the lock button on her car doors, locking him out.
Alexz clenched her eyes shut, covering her ears as she heard him yelling at her from outside the car, telling her to let him in or get out of the car. She was scared to death of what he might do to her, but as long as she was in the car, he couldn't hurt her, right?
Wrong…
She felt more than heard the window on her side smash, sending shards of glass all over her and the front seat, she covered her face and threw herself sideways only to have him grab hold of her,
"What do you think you were doing Alexz? Did I say you could do that?! Huh?!" She wanted to scream but no one would do anything as many times as she'd screamed before…nothing and no one stood in his way…
