Chapter Seven
Xander scrubbed the cereal bowl thoroughly, making sure the food remnants were gone. Suddenly, he felt short of breath and dizzy, so he quickly put the foamy bowl in the sink and sat on the chair he'd prepared for emergencies. He shouldn't have stood for so long; he'd always gotten lightheaded doing house chores, something he was keeping to himself, 'cause if Mrs. Summers knew about this, she'd have him locked in his room and tied to bed for the next few weeks. He tried peering at his poor swollen feet, but the large mound of stomach blocked his view.
He'd gotten really big - so big that moving for a minute made him almost pass out. Everything hurt: his lower back hurt, his ribs hurt, his ankles hurt, and his chest burned really badly. He couldn't possibly understand why some women would do this all over again by choice. Being pregnant sucked.
After a long process of inhaling and exhaling, he thought he could go back to work. He stood up with difficulty and turned on the water, washing the lathered soap off the bowl.
The kitchen door swung open and Mrs. Summers walked inside. "Oh, Xander, I'm still uncomfortable about this."
He shook his head. "You promised you'd let me work here until I get a job after the baby comes."
"But working as a housemaid…"
"Nota housemaid. A handy man."
"How is that an improvement?"
"It just sounds man-friendly." He grabbed the towel and wiped the wet bowl. "Besides, me doing all the housework gives you more time for your afternoon pottery classes."
Mrs. Summers brushed her hair behind her ear awkwardly. "Oh, about that, I think it's time you know the truth."
He placed the bowl in the drawer. "The truth?"
"I've been meeting with a midwife," Mrs. Summers explained. "She's teaching me all I need to know about how to deliver a baby."
His heart sank. "What?"
Mrs. Summers helped him sit down, which was what he needed as he could feel himself becoming woozy again. "We can't take you to the hospital when the day comes." Mrs. Summers smiled at him reassuringly. "A woman Mrs. Anderson is seeing is very close to going into labor, and I'm expected to deliver her baby under Mrs. Anderson's supervision…"
"You…" He felt his breath starting to come in quick pants. "You're gonna…"
"I know how uncomfortable this sounds, but the time is approaching and I thought I'll tell you now to help you get emotionally prepared."
He blinked, feeling his mouth going dry. "I need… I'm going to my room."
Mrs. Summers sighed and helped him up to his feet. He walked slowly toward the foyer, then held the railing for support as he climbed up the stairs. He pushed the door to his room open, steadied himself with a hand on the dresser and took a long deep breath. Turning around, he locked the door and then walked toward the closet, fetching a medium sized silver mirror from inside. He threw the mirror on the bed and slipped out of his pants and boxers. Lying on bed with difficulty, he spread his legs, picked up the mirror and positioned it between them, holding it up with his knees.
Oh God, he thought, feeling his cheeks burning in shame. Mrs. Summers was going to see this! She would see his penis and balls and vagina! He squeezed his eyes shut and threw his head back against the headboard. Ouch. He rubbed on the back of his head with a wince.
He was in the thirty-sixth week of his pregnancy. Only four weeks were left before his due date - his ultimate nightmare. Thoughts about that day had been haunting him since he'd entered his third trimester -the pain of pushing a person out of him, the agonizing contractions, lacking the strength and stamina to bring the baby out, needing surgery, dying!He was scared shitless. He'd read about several cases of women dying during labor. He'd gone through the causes of their deaths and the results weren't comforting at all.
Now, he had to worry about showing his package to Mrs. Summers. What if he had an "accident"? God, that would be so humiliating.
Putting the mirror aside, Xander stretched out his legs and propped himself against the pillows. He closed his eyes and tried desperately to calm his nerves. He remembered that old black and white movie he'd watched with Mrs. Summers a while ago. What was its name? Oh, The Good Earth. The scene he remembered vividly was when the pregnant wife had locked herself in her room and delivered the baby by herself.
Xander wondered if he had the courage to do something like that. Could he lock himself alone in his room and give birth? He didn't even have the courage for labor itself. The whole thing was too freaking scary. He wondered if someone else cursed with being pregnant instead of him would handle it better. How would Buffy handle it? She'd told him it scared her, but he knew that if it were her instead of him, she'd have gotten the job done without breaking a sweat. He had to be strong. Be like Buffy.
"Ouch," he said with a small laugh, feeling the baby kick at his rib cage. "Don't do that," he said softly as he watched his stomach stretch and change shape. The baby kicked at his side and Xander lost himself in a gale of giggles. "Stop, that tickles!"
Someone knocked on his door.
Xander flustered and covered his exposed lower half with a blanket. "Mrs. Summers?"
"No, it's Buffy." She pulled on the doorknob. "Your door is locked."
"Wait!" Xander flung the blanket away and fetched his pants, kicking his boxers under the bed. He wobbled toward the door exactly like a penguin – served him right for jinxing himself with this imagery and making an ass of himself in front of Cordelia.
He unlocked the door and pulled it opened. "Buffy? Didn't expect you here 'til Friday."
"Your baby shower? Wouldn't miss it for the world." Buffy pumped against his stomach when she attempted to hug him. "Oh, hey there, little one." She patted his stomach as if ruffling a little boy's hair and then walked passed him.
Xander noticed a big bruise on her cheek that makeup didn't cover. "Rough night?"
"Yeah, well, you know, Slayer and all." She flung herself on his bed and hugged his pillow. "My room is full of crates and boxes. Can I lie down on your bed?"
"Mi casa is su casa."
Buffy took the silver mirror from where it was on the side of the bed and threw an amused look at Xander. Feeling his cheeks darkening with embarrassment, Xander turned toward the chair next to the dresser and sat on it, steadying himself by holding the back of the chair. He sprawled out his legs to make room for his large stomach and watched Buffy put the mirror on the nightstand.
"How's college?"
Buffy rolled until she was lying on her back and stretched. "Very hectic. Not so much with the fun."
"How come?"
She stared up at the ceiling, seemingly lost in thought. Xander was about to ask her if she was all right when she turned her eyes toward him. "I'm sucking at everything: college, slaying," she said in a small voice. "I'm a complete failure."
"Can we say exaggerating?"
"Not really." She lifted herself up on one elbow and rested her head on one hand. "I can't do it, Xander."
"College?"
"Everybody else is adjusting well. My adjusting skills are pretty much lacking. I don't think I'm cut out for this."
"Still guessing college?"
"College, slaying, everything." She said the last part pensively, staring off into the distance.
Xander shifted in his seat. Something was off about this picture. This wasn't the Buffy he had just been imagining. He put his hand on the back of the chair and pushed himself up to his feet. "Okay, college, I get. But slaying?"
Buffy sat up straight, looking indignant. "Hey, what do you mean college you get? What's there to get?" Despite her huffy outburst, she helped him sit on the bed.
"It's a new thing you never did before. Of course, you're gonna freak out." He patted her knee in support. "But you'll get through this."
She shook her head and then dropped her gaze down sadly. "I don't think I can."
"Lose the pout, Buff. Doesn't suit you."
She pursed her lips harder. He rolled his eyes. She giggled. "Okay. What look suits me?"
"This." He did his impression of Willow's resolve face making Buffy laugh more. "Except more Jodie Foster from The Silence of the Lambs."
"Right." She giggled some more before composing herself. "Like this?" Her expression froze in a hard, cold expression.
"Oh, yeah, that's the one." He pretended to snap a shot with his fingers. "Just picture your face like this in the morning and you'll do just fine."
Buffy grinned. "Look at you, all selfless and gentleman-y with a pep talk. This is the first time my issues trump your issues."
"Oh, speaking of which…"
"Here we go."
He slapped her arm with a mock glare. "Hey, pregnancy is a big deal."
"I know. Sorry." She crossed her legs on his bed and waited.
Xander scratched his temple, feeling his whole body flush with embarrassment. "Your, um, your mom is gonna…" He grabbed the pillow and covered his face, continuing fast in a muffled voice, "…deliver the baby."
"What? Who? How? Oh, oh my God the baby is coming." The pillow was snatched and tossed away and Buffy stared at him, her eyes wide. "And we can't take you to the hospital! Oh, Xander, how scary it must be for you."
"I know! And you were jabbering about your pitiful college woes. Drama queen much!"
"Hey!"
"I'm so fat I'm going to explode any minute. My back is killing me and I can't breathe. I can't eat anything I want or else I'll get heartburn. My feet and legs are no different than an elephant's, and my uterus has expanded…"
Buffy yelped and covered his mouth. "Xander. Visuals. Sensitive gag reflex."
"Right. Sorry," he said into her palm. After a second thought, he pushed her hand away from his mouth. "Yeah, right. Sensitive gag reflex my ass."
Buffy gulped.
"This is from the girl who faced tentacley mother bezoar and got covered in disgusting blue gunk?"
"Mom!" Buffy jumped to the floor and scurried out of the bedroom.
"Hey, that's not fair. You know I can't catch you. You're a toothpick, plus Slayer speed. I'm a wobbling weeble wobbles." Sitting alone on his bed, he shouted at the top of his lungs, "Come back here!""
Xander was jolted awake by a sharp leg cramp. He hissed in pain and bit on his lip, leveraging himself onto his elbows and clutching the covers tightly. His leg shook as if caught by a volt of electricity. He tried stretching his calf muscle the way Mrs. Summers had taught him back when he'd had his first leg cramp: leg strengthened, heel first, and toes flexed back toward his shins. Pain exploded in his leg from moving it during the spasm, but Xander put up with the pain, knowing from experience that it would eventually go away.
God, he hated being woken up like this almost every night. He'd gotten so big that his poor legs were crying out for mercy. Maybe he should listen to Mrs. Summers and stop doing house chores. It didn't feel right though, sitting around and mooching. He was going to be responsible for a kid soon, so being a grown up and earning money was a top priority. And he couldn't live in the Summers' house forever.
He felt the spasm easing gradually and tried to lift himself more to see his leg over the hill that blocked his view. The troubling thoughts that tumbled in his head made him stop trying and he dropped down, his head falling on the pillow.
It was a bad move.
He couldn't breathe. Xander gasped for air and quickly turned to his side. He still couldn't breathe. He pushed himself up with difficulty until he was sitting upright. Taking deep breaths he felt the air flowing to his lungs. Rule number one, never sleep on your back or inability to breathe could be a factor. Rule number two, neverforget rule number one.
Xander lay down on his left side, but still felt suffocated, so he sat up again and rubbed on his forehead in exhaustion. This had never happened before: he'd always made sure to sleep on his left side and he never faced this problem. It felt like his stomach was pressing against his lungs and throat. He really needed to sleep, especially since his friends were coming over tomorrow for the baby shower. He hadn't seen them much since they had started college.
Wasting no more time trying to figure out how to sleep, he headed toward Mrs. Summers' bedroom. He hesitated before knocking on her door, wishing he'd checked the clock first.
The door opened revealing a yawning Mrs. Summers, who looked at him questioningly.
"I can't sleep."
"Are the Faith nightmares back?" she asked sympathetically.
"No, I literally can't sleep. Breathing becomes an issue when I lie down."
"Oh, I can help you with that." She walked back inside her bedroom and came out with a couple of pillows tucked under her armpits.
Back to his room, she arranged the pillows into a little mountain and then helped him settle on the bed. Xander leaned back against the pillows, feeling himself still in the sitting position. He pressed back against the pillows, trying to get into a sleeping position, but the pile of pillows prevented them that luxury.
"Wow, so from now on I have to sleep sitting up?"
Mrs. Summers smiled. "Until the baby arrives."
"Swell," he said dryly.
She sat beside him. "I'm just joking. You'll probably be able to go back to sleeping on your left side tomorrow."
Xander breathed through his nose, enjoying his ability to inhale and exhale easily in this position.
"Do you feel better now?"
Xander nodded and smiled at her gratefully. "Thank you."
When Xander came down the stairs, he almost jumped out of his skin at the shrill yell of "Surprise!" that emanated from downstairs; his friends must have mistaken this for a birthday party. The first thing he saw was the yellow helium balloons scattered across the ceiling with Tigger's grinning face on them. Buffy guided him to a chair with a bunch of yellow balloons tied to it and yellow chalk words on the back, which he squinted to read.
"Chair of Honor," Buffy said. "Arranged for the expectant father."
Xander sat down, noticing four wrapped gifts on the table and a yellow bag with a drawing of a baby on it. Yellow streamers festooned the living room and posters of Tigger were hung on the walls along with a big Tigger banner with "Welcome Baby Scooby" written on it.
"Sorry for the simplicity," Buffy said.
"Simplicity?" Xander said incredulously.
"If I had let Buffy handle the whole thing, we'd probably have to sell the house to pay off our debts," Mrs. Summers said, walking into the living room with a tray of cupcakes with Willow and Oz following her with juice and glasses.
"Mom, this is the first baby in our small Scooby family. There's no such thing as over the top."
Willow set the glasses on the table and took the tray from Mrs. Summers and brought it to Xander. He took one of the cupcakes and stared at the top that was decorated with Tigger. "So I'm guessing Tigger is the theme?"
"He's your favorite Pooh Bear character." Willow walked with the tray toward Oz and offered him a cupcake. "Besides, his orange color was the perfect match to all the yellow."
Xander stared at the presents and tried to remember Jamie's baby shower in Mad About You,but all he could remember from that episode was Paul's struggle for manliness and making an ass of himself on the macho road trip. At this point, Xander's points on the macho scale were non-existent. He had been looking forward to the baby shower, he was learning how to push and he was eager for the crib Mrs. Summers would bring tomorrow. Even so, he was surprised to realize that being manly hadn't been one of his priorities lately.
They ate the cupcakes, drank the juice and talked about the baby shower games they were going to play. Then Buffy got impatient.
"Can we open the presents now?"
"Mr. Giles isn't here yet," Mrs. Summers said.
"Giles is too uptight for a baby shower." Buffy grabbed an elegantly wrapped gift. "Let's open my present."
"Buffy," Mrs. Summers said sternly.
"C'mon, Giles won't mind if we start without him." Buffy handed the gift to Xander, and he struggled with opening it without damaging the fancy wrapping. It was a shame to ruin someone's hard work in a snap. The present was snatched from his hands, and Buffy tore the fancy wrapping into tiny shreds. With a satisfied smile, Buffy placed the Eeyore baby box that clashed with the Tiggerness of the room onto his lap.
He opened the box and was greeted with lots of adorable baby clothes, most of them in white and beige with a couple of green bundles of baby suits. He gushed over the tiny little socks. There were so many clothes in there. He wondered if Buffy had been saving for this gift since they'd learned he was pregnant.
"The pink onesies were so adorable but I was forced to buy unisex." Buffy glared at her mother.
"You are not sneaking into a hospital again. Besides, Xander can't leave the house. Especially at night."
Willow sat next to him and went through the baby clothes with him. "I tried to find the right spell to tell us the sex of the baby," she said, showing him a cute beige beanie. "My search went up in flames, literally. I was trying this spell on a box with an apple inside, but the box caught fire."
"You are notsetting me on fire."
"Funny thing is, nothing happened to the apple."
"Still, no."
"Willow's present!" Buffy announced bringing another box. Xander closed the box on his lap and set it aside, taking the new box from Buffy. He noticed her bright expectant grin and gave her the box back, and she tore the wrapping off in a second. He looked at the picture of the happy baby sitting on a green baby bouncer seat and playing with the dangling toys.
"Bouncy seat," Willow squealed, leaping to her feet and bounced over to get the yellow bag. "I also got you diapers and baby powder; 'cause I know you won't think of buying them."
He peered inside the bag with a grin. "Willow Rosenberg, the eternal mom."
Oz took a small box and handed it to Xander. "Here's mine."
Xander tore the simple green wrapping and smiled at the wolf-shaped rattle.
Willow clapped her hands. "Isn't it the cutest rattle ever?"
"I want to be the first one to shake this at the baby," Oz said in an even voice that lacked any emotion, but Xander could tell how excited he was from the glint in his eye.
Xander nodded. "You got it."
Buffy got the last gift. "And this is Mom's…"
Mrs. Summers snatched the box from Buffy. "No."
"Why?" Buffy whined like a kid who had been denied her Christmas present.
"I'd rather wait for Mr. Giles." Mrs. Summers retuned the box to the table.
"C'mon, Mom, Giles doesn't like presents. They're too much for his Britishness."
The front door burst open and Giles dashed into the living room in excitement, which melted directly into a look of hurt when he noticed the shreds of wrapping paper on the floor, the opened presents and the half-empty tray of cupcakes. "You started without me?"
Everybody looked accusingly at Buffy, especially Mrs. Summers.
The hurt vanished from Giles' face in an instant and he looked at Xander with enthusiasm. "Oh, Xander, I have great news."
"It better be really good, 'cause I don't see a wrapped box in your hands," Xander said, his eyes locked on the old book in Giles' hands.
"A what?"
Xander held up the baby rattle box. "Your baby present, Giles. Unless that dirty, old book has instructions for tucking a baby in at bedtime, I'm expecting a check with my name on it."
"You didn't get Xander a present?" Willow asked in shock. Buffy crossed her arms and tapped her foot. Even Oz's passive expression twitched in disbelief.
"I most certainly did."
"And it's…?" Xander said wryly.
Giles held up his chin. "Advice."
"How very Scrooge of you."
Buffy shook her head. "If you didn't spend money, Giles, then it's not a present."
Giles waved them off. "Oh, I don't think there's any need for that."
Buffy gasped. "You can't say that to an expectant mother."
Xander shot her a death glare.
"Or father?"
"But that's the thing," Giles said. "Xander doesn't have to be a father anymore."
The room went into a serious state of silence. Xander didn't believe his ears. He stared at Giles speechless.
"Giles?" Buffy ventured. "You mean…"
"Anyanka, Patron Saint of scorned women." Giles opened the book to a marked page and walked toward Xander. "This is the sketch of the pendant Cordelia drew. It's the symbol of Anyanka."
Xander stared at the picture. "So, she's what exactly?"
"A vengeance demon. She grants wishes to scorned women."
"And Cordelia being scorned, 'cause…" Willow trailed off and threw a guilty glance at Oz. A muscle in Oz's jaw worked but he stayed silent.
"Anyaka granted Cordelia's wish," Xander said. "And now I'm eating for two."
"But you won't be anymore. Here." Giles sat next to Xander and pointed at a written text, then started reading, "'In order to defeat Anyanka, one must destroy her power center. This should reverse all the wishes she's granted, rendering her mortal and powerless again.'" Giles looked at him with a big smile on his face. "Without her, you won't be pregnant anymore. You will go back to the way you were."
"A directionless loser," Xander mumbled.
"Exactly," Giles exclaimed. He blinked. "I mean, no, you will be normal. Don't you want to be normal?"
The silence returned to the room and everybody stared at Giles as if he was the Grinch. Xander felt Giles squirming next to him and snapped out of his overwhelming feeling of sorrow. "God, of course I wanna be normal," he cried out. "I mean, c'mon, this is crazy. A man pregnant with a baby…" he trailed off, and then forced himself to continue in an unconvincing small voice, "… that's insane."
Willow looked at him with her huge sad eyes. "But… the baby kicking. The baby clothes."
"I don't want this baby, Will." He patted his large stomach for emphasis. "We established that a long time ago."
"How do we get Anyanka here?" Buffy said in a quiet voice, regarding Giles with a hard stare.
"I haven't found a way yet. I was so enthused when I found this book." Giles looked around at the sad faces. "Honestly, I thought you'd be thrilled."
"I am thrilled. I'm beyond happy." Xander forced a cheerful goofy grin. "This freak show is finally over." He looked down at the wolf rattle. "I guess you'll just have to return your presents."
Buffy nodded. "The party is over."
"We should probably head to Giles' place. Research Anyanka's power center," Willow said quietly.
Xander felt a twinge in his heart, as he looked at his friends' droopy expressions. "Thanks, guys."
Oz smiled at him and took his present from his lap. Buffy and Willow took their boxes and followed Giles out of the house.
The house was eerily quiet after they left, the only sound Mrs. Summers gathering the shreds of wrapping paper on the floor and tossing them in the trashcan. Xander pushed himself to his feet and started collecting the dirty glasses and putting them on the tray.
The silence was getting on his nerves, so his mouth started running in forced jollity. "I can't wait to get rid of this. Do you have any idea how much this baby has held me back? I'll be free! No responsibility. And I can eat whatever I want. Whoohoo!"
Mrs. Summers took the cupcakes tray and started walking toward the kitchen. "I'm glad you're happy."
Xander couldn't tell if she was really glad or was being polite, but her words cut like a knife. He hated feeling like a scumbag. This was supposed to be his choice. They shouldn't make him feel bad like that because they wanted this damn baby.
He crouched to take the drinks tray when he noticed Mrs. Summers' present on the table. He walked around the table and lifted the box . He opened the bunny card and read, "I'm looking forward to the day you'll be holding your baby in your arms. You're going to be a great parent."
Xander's throat locked and he wasn't sure if he could muster any joy for Giles' news.
"I guess there's no need to open it now," Mrs. Summers said, walking toward him and extending a hand to take her present.
Xander looked down at the bunny card again. "Oh, I… I mean, since I've seen all the other presents."
"You want me to open it?"
Xander nodded in embarrassment.
Mrs. Summers took the present from his hands and unwrapped it. Xander's heart almost gave out when he saw a beige baby photo album covered with brown dots and in the middle a square shaped white material with a knitted rocking horse. He took the photo album in his hand, feeling the rocking horse with his thumb.
"I thought it's something you'd like to have," Mrs. Summers said softly.
There was a heavy knot in his throat, and Xander cleared it. "It's beautiful."
"It's a shame to return it." Mrs. Summers took it from his hands and stared at it wistfully. "I guess I'll keep it for Buffy."
She put it down on that table and resumed cleaning the living room. Xander stared at it for a while, feeling his chest tightening. He sighed and continued to help Mrs. Summers with the cleaning.
