(Author's Note: This chapter has been edited. 12/20/2016.)
Don't Touch My Llama
Chapter 7: A Change For the Bad
By Emilou
If anyone would like to know what Llama Juice tastes like, it's actually quite pleasant. It tastes like cherries mixed with vanilla and just a dash of cinnamon. It has a unnaturally cool, but refreshing, taste as if chilled.
I would not suggest drinking it. The after-taste is that of mold and sweat. Disgusting.
Oh, and it'll turn you into a llama. So don't drink Llama Juice.
Not that I, at first, recognized the taste. I was preoccupied with the furry ball that smelled of sour milk attacking my face. I was able to stay calm until Kronk rescued me from my plight. Once free from my tormenter, minus some hair and skin, I coughed and sputtered until I could pull out the small vial that had been forced into my mouth. I took big, deep breaths of sweet, sweet air.
"Yzma!" I heard Kronk gasp.
"Yzma?!" I repeated.
"Yes, you fool," Yzma laughed evilly from the ground. "You thought you had see the last of me. Well, you didn't. You fell right into my trap."
Kronk said something about chipmunks (I hate those things), but I was too occupied with the after-taste that was rising up my throat.
"Trap!? You poisoned me?!" I cried out, realizing what I had pulled out of my mouth. Even as I said those words, I knew it wasn't quite right. The taste was too familiar to me.
"Look again," Yzma purred with satisfaction. "It's the same exact potion I gave you when you fired me."
"You don't mean. . ." I started to say. I could feel the potion starting to work on my body right then and there.
"I sure do. Have a wonderful time eating grass," the small cat cackled with a wicked grin.
"Noooooo. I don't want to be a llama again," I shouted to the world. There was a white hot pain in my hands, and I could feel my fingers melting together to form a cloven hoof. Well, I thought to myself, if I'm going down, I'm taking her with me.
"Well, take this, pussy cat," I declared and hurled the bottle as hard as I could at Yzma.
Whether it was from feline instinct or that Yzma was really good at dodging, I missed my mark. Instead, it defied all reason by bouncing off the cobblestone road and ricocheting up to the face of Yzma's companion. (I don't know who makes those vials, but they are a master glass-maker.) The girl had no time to react and fell like a stone to the ground once the vial connected with her face.
Kronk made a sound that was a mixture of a gasp and a squeal. He rushed to the fallen girl, touching her carefully. "Miss. Miss. Are you okay?" he called out. "She's unconscious and her head is bleeding. She needs help."
"She needs help?! I'm turning into a llama," I shouted at Kronk. My hands had already transformed, and I could feel the same happening to my face. "Get Yzma, Kronk. She should have the antidote," I ordered, pointing at the fluffy cat.
Squeaky laughter shouldn't be scary, but Yzma's sent chills down my spine as she giggled at my plight. "You idiot. Don't you think if I had the antidote I would have used it on myself? No, there isn't one. You may have destroyed my laboratory, but I still remember the ingredients to all my potions. I made that one with you in mind."
I felt my legs give out as they turned into the shaggy ones of a llama. I wanted to sit down and cry. I wanted to pound on the earth. I wanted revenge. "If I have to spend the rest of my life as a llama, I'm not going to be the only one," I said, remembering I hadn't finished off the vial. "I'll shove the rest of that potion down your throat."
"Uh, Kuzco," I heard Kronk say in a small voice. "Something's wrong with this girl."
"Not now, Kronk," I shot at him, pouncing onto Yzma. I kept a hold of her as best I could with my half-human, half-llama body. "Hand me the vial. I can't wait to see her as a wrinkled, old llama."
"OLD!" Yzma hissed at me, turning into a whirlwind of flying fur and claws.
I stomped down on her, pushing her into the ground so her claws were useless.
"Kuzco. There's a big problem," Kronk shouted.
"What?" I replied angrily. That's when I saw Kronk holding up the empty vial.
Yzma giggled insanely.
"Don't tell me it all spilled out," I moaned.
"Not exactly," Kronk said, moving so I could see the unconscious young woman he had been tending to. In an instant, her face changed into a llama's.
"Whoa. I didn't see that one coming," I muttered. Not that I was completely surprised. My life was turning into a complete fiasco. I really had no control over anything. This proved even more when Yzma slipped out from under my hooves, rocketing away into the darkness. I tried to follow, but I hadn't gotten used to my clumsy llama legs yet.
"Kronk, you have to get her!" I ordered. "We can force her to make an antidote."
"I'm on it," Kronk said with a salute, his usual crooked smile on his face. I swear, he's not happy unless he's following someone's orders. He carefully repositioned the young woman's (now a llama's) head so she was more comfortable, then loped off, his gait akin to that of an over-sized puppy.
I had the utmost confidence that Kronk could find Yzma. He was the only person I knew who had a broad social network of obscure people and rodents to help him track down the evil feline. I actually believed at that point he'd be back a split second later, Yzma's scruff in his grasp. However, after standing around the darkened streets for a good twenty minutes, I realized he wasn't returning any time soon. Not knowing what else to do, I looked around the night for a hint of where I should go or what I should do.
My first inclination was to return to my palace; after all, my state of being a llama shouldn't pose as a problem. My guards were knowledgeable of Yzma's potions. But showing my face after falling into such an embarrassing trap was more shame than I wanted to go through.
My second choice was to find Pacha. He had more experience than anyone on how to deal with llamas as well as llamas that used to be human. But after the fight we just had and the disappointment on Tipo's face, I was unsure he would be willing to help me. Was that fight the end of our friendship? Was that the proverbial straw that broke Pacha's patience with me?
Whether or not Pacha still considered me his friend, I was sure he was still a good enough person to help my plight. He'd done it once, he'd do it again. Bless that conscience of his.
As I started to mosey off in my chosen destination, I felt as if I was missing something. What was it? Did I turn off the oven? No, that wasn't it. Did I miss a meal?
There was a moan. I glanced behind me to see Yzma's little hench-girl still lying on the cobblestones, now completely transformed into a llama.
I admit that I was tempted to leave her on the streets. No, tempted isn't a strong enough word. I wanted her to stay there in abject misery to suffer ten times what I went through. Let her wake up and find the shock of being a llama.
But that annoying voice inside me insisted that she wasn't entirely guilty. Yzma could be quite persuasive and was the one orchestrating the night's events. This girl was just as to blame as Kronk.
Pacha must have been rubbing off on me because I turned back for her. In the best llama fashion I could, I grabbed the collar of her clothing in my teeth and dragged her away.
I didn't expect to drag her all the way to the palace, just somewhere where she would be safe for a few hours. But after a few feet, I had to take a break.
"You're so heavy," I grumbled, massaging my neck where it was starting to kink. My teeth ached, and I was running out of energy. "Who knew women were so much work."
I'll say this right now, if I had abandoned the girl right there, I would have saved myself a lot of grief. For at that moment, our presence was graced by two men, one who seemed to have been drinking too much since he was singing at the top of his lungs. The other man was attempting to hold up his friend and walk straight.
The solo singer must have just begun his serenades since I didn't hear them until they were close by. "Llama Gals, won't ya come out toni', come out toni', come out toni'."
"Zolin, do you really have to do that in my ear?"
"Come on. I have the voice of an angel," Zolin said, his words slurred. "By the light of the moon!"
Seeing that the two men were bee-lining directly toward us, I redoubled my efforts in dragging the heavy girl across the street. My efforts were in vain. I heard two surprised cries and the sound of pottery shattering mixed with liquid splashing. This cacophony confirmed my fear that the men had discovered the female llama body. Instinctively, I back away, abandoning the girl.
"What is this? I think we tripped over a rock," Zolin called out far too loudly than needed. "Or a dead body."
"It seems to be an alpaca," his companion said. "It's not moving, but I feel it breathing. Some unfortunate farmer must have lost it, probably for the Merchant's March."
"His loss," Zolin said jollily. "Good thing our herd isn't too far away."
"Then we must hurry," the unnamed man said quietly. "We'll need to remove any brands or tags immediately."
The moon, which was slow to rise, gave enough light for me to see the two men working together to move the female llama. The drunken one worked with fervor, but it seemed the alcohol he'd consumed made him more of a liability than an asset.
I would have let my assailant be sold into llama servitude if it wasn't for Kronk. I know he'd be disappointed in me if I didn't do something. Besides, I wanted to punish her myself.
Keeping to the darker shadows, I spoke up, "Good sirs, I believe that is MY llama. I've been looking for her."
The men immediately stiffened and backed away. The unnamed one replied, "Oh, is it? We were just checking to see if the beast was well. After all, we first thought it was dead."
"No. No. She's just. . .ah. . .narcoleptic? Yeah, she falls asleep all the time in the strangest of places," I lied. "The kids love it. She'll be running around, then suddenly THUD, she's asleep. Heh heh."
"Sounds like you're quite attached to her," the unnamed man said. "I don't suppose there is a reward for finding her."
I could not believe these guys. Not only were they willing to take a llama that didn't belong to them, but they wanted a reward for just tripping over her. I smelled sleaze.
"Sorry, no reward," I said quickly. "Have a good night, gentlemen." I gave my voice a specific tone that said I wanted to be left alone. But apparently Zolin didn't quite catch it.
"Let's give you s' help," he said sloppily, moving to the female llama unsteadily. "These beasts are heavy."
Tell me about it, I thought. "That's alright. I don't want to trouble you." No doubt, they'd want a reward for dragging a llama around, too.
"S' no trouble," Zolin insisted, grabbing the female llama's head.
The jerky movement of her head cause the girl to wake up enough to murmur something that sounded like, "One more minute, mom."
Zolin jumped back in surprise.
"Did you hear that?"
"I heard nothing," I answered. I dared not move from shadow least they discover my own transformation by the light of the moon.
"That llama just spoke," Zolin cried out in amazement.
"I believe it's an alpaca," his friend corrected. "And animals don't talk."
I pegged Zolin's companion as one of those guys who couldn't let anything slide and had to correct everything.
"Look, she sometimes sounds like she can speak, but it's just gas," I told them, wishing they would disappear.
"Hold on, let me light my torch," Zolin said. I could hear him groping around on his person.
Dread filled me as I heard the familiar sound of flint and steel scrapping against each other followed by a fire sputtering to life. I then laid eyes on these two men.
Both were around normal height, but the one called Zolin was a little pudgier than the other. Zolin also sported a rough, few-day old beard and unkempt clothing. The one with no name was well groomed, had nice clothing and a neat little beard.
And both stared at me with wide eyes as if I had been transformed into a. . .
Oh, wait, I am a llama. Silly me, I thought.
My brain went blank, so I said the first thing on my mind.
"Neigh?"
The two men looked even more shocked at my one word, so my mouth began to run without consulting my brain. "Oh, wait. It's horses that go 'Neigh". Ha ha. What does a llama say?"
The unnamed man jumped and issued a high-pitched squeal while pointing at me as if I were a hairy spider in his bathtub.
Zolin's mouth dropped into a gaping smile. "There's two talking llamas," he chuckled. "I must be drunker than I thought."
"But I'm not," Zolin's friend declared in bewilderment. "A real talking llama. And he's standing like a person."
Oh, yeah. . .I guess llamas don't stand like this, I though.
"Come on, llama. Say something else," Zolin said as he grabbed my face. "Can you fly, llama?"
"No, and let go," I grumbled, slapping away his hands. "I'm not a llama. I was turned into one."
Zolin laughed, rubbing my neck like one would do an ordinary llama.
Did I look like a petting zoo?
"You're funny, llama. Let's take him home," Zolin pleaded, looking at his friend like a child who found a puppy.
"Or better yet, let's take them both. I'm sure we can sell them for a good amount of money to an exotic animal collector. Or a circus," the other one said.
"Yay, I like circuses," Zolin cheered.
I didn't like how this conversation was going. I decided to make myself scarce, girl or no girl. The trouble was that running on two feet wasn't something a llama body was made to do. I didn't get far before I tripped on my own hooves, tumbling to the cobblestones. Just as the pain of my fall set in, I felt a human body pile on top of me, squeezing out my breath.
"Good job, Zolin. Keep him still while I go get the cart," the other man said.
Not to give up, I used my most powerful weapon against Zolin. My mouth.
"Help! Someone help me. Llama nappers. Thieves. Don't let them get away," I shouted, hoping that someone could hear me.
"Shut him up, Zolin."
That was the last thing I heard before a sharp pain was administered to the back of my neck, and things went dark.
So, my day ended with me being turned into a llama and knocked out. Funny how my life goes around in circles.
