Disclaimer: I do not own any characters, or have any claim to the movies, comics etc most if not all the plot comes from, so anything you recognize I have no claim too.
I am now writing this really fast and I can't tell if it's good or bad, I love this chapter because I love this scene in the movie it always makes me laugh and I hope I've done it justice.
Also any ideas would be welcome and also who's your favorite avenger? mine is Tony Stark I just love him
I hope you enjoy and please review some feedback would be great.
She and Clint were walking down the street. He was explaining the "rules" of getting a guy to like her.
"Rule number one. Never criticize." Clint starts of
"Even if it's constructive?" she asks
"Never. Men are incapable of growth, change or progress. For men, self-improvement ends at toilet training. Rule number two. Laugh at whatever he says." he goes off before she can asks anymore questions about "rule number one"
"What if what he's saying isn't funny?" She asks confused
"That's irrelevant. A fake laugh is like a fake orgasm." he tells her
"And a fake orgasm is good?" she asks getting even more confused
"No, but a fake orgasm is better than no orgasm at all." he points out
"A fake orgasm is no orgasm." She states
"Only to you. You're not the only person in the room, you know. Let's not be selfish." He says it as a joke.
She giggles and Clint looks strucked by the sound of her laughter.
"That was perfect. You have a perfect laugh. Real or fake?" he compliments her
"You'll never know." She says walking past him into the coffee shop and she can see his reflection raise an eyebrow as though he's impressed
They were waiting for their lattes and Clint was still going on about the rules.
"Rule number three. Never talk about your problems. Men don't really listen or care." He says while taking the drinks from the coffee person who was staring at Clint like he was a rock star.
"Some men care." She says knowing she was right
"No. Some men pretend to care. When we ask you how you're doing, it's just guy code for let me put my dick in your ass." He tells her while handing her the coffee
"Okay, I'm trying to decide whether I should just walk away right now, or run." She says not sure whether or not she's joking
"I know you think Josh is above it all, but he's a guy. If he's even remotely into you, he's thought about each one of your orifices at least ten times." He explains to her
"I love how you assume every man is as perverse as you are." She tells him with a fake smile
"I don't assume. I know." He says smugly handing her the coffee
They walk along the road with their coffee's while Clint receives some staring and pointing he ignores most of it and he does stop to talk to fans who want his autograph. They turn a corner and Clint tells her the next rule
"Rule number four. Men are very visual. Ninety per cent of a relationship is based on how good the woman looks. We have to change your look." He tells her while looking her up and down
"What's wrong with my look?" she questioned offended by what he said
Clint was Looking at her for a while obviously deciding how to phrase the answer.
"Sports bras? Jeans? Srunchies? Fake Converse?" he points at her
"These aren't fake! They're real!" she gasps
"Darcy, you're a very attractive woman but you are completely inaccessible. You're all about comfort and efficiency." He says grabbing her coffee and throwing it away before opening the door for her.
"What's wrong with comfort and efficiency?" she asks while stepping into the shop
"Nothing. Except no one wants to fuck it." He says close to her ear which makes her feel warm inside and she quickly snaps out of it because it shouldn't.
She and Clint wander through the racks of lingerie.
"I am not getting breast implants." She tells him straight up because her boobs are big enough already they didn't need to go any bigger.
"Size isn't everything. Breasts just have to be friendly. They have to say, "Hello, everybody! Look at me!" He tells her making a funny voice while hovering his hands in front of her boobs, which makes her giggle for a moment.
Then she looks down at her breasts, curiously.
"What are mine saying?" she asked wondering if it was good or bad.
"Uh, I'm reading Tolstoy and I don't want to be disturbed?" he tells her nodding his head then turning back to the bras
"Really? I hate Tolstoy." She mumbles while trying to fix her top
A sales women passes them and Clint stops her.
"Excuse me ma'am, but we need some bras that will make my friend's boobs say, "Put me in your mouth - I taste good."" He says not ashamed by his rudeness on bit.
The saleswoman looks disturbed, but hands Clint a push-up water bra.
"This should do the trick." The saleswoman says before walking off.
"Sweet. Strap it on, flapjacks." He says throwing the bra at her. She just glares at him.
They were in the shoe shop next and she was awkwardly making her way over to Clint wearing high heels
"I look like a hooker." She says looking at herself in the mirror
"That's a good thing." He tells smiling at her.
On the way back to sit down She falls, knocking over a large display of shoes.
"Well, you're on your back, so that works." He laughs before walking off to talk to the saleswomen
She sits at a rinse chair, while Clint and the hairdresser study her look. Clint reaches out to touch her hair but she slaps his hand away.
"You're not touching my hair until I know exactly what you're going to do with it." She warns him.
"We're giving you bedhead." He says while putting his hands up in a mock surrender
"Why would I want bedhead?" She asks confused
"Bedhead is sexy." He says in what he must think is a seductive voice
"A ponytail implies that you are either operating heavy machinery or emptying the litter box. Neither of these things inspires an erection." He explains
The hairdresser shoves her head under the sink and douses her with water.
*Clint's pov*
They had made their way back to the tower and Darcy's room and he could she outside that Night has fallen and Darcy has been getting ready for two hours, Why did it always take women so long to get ready?
He sat in the sitting room while she was finishing off in the bedroom.
"I just don't want to be perceived as a bimbo." She tells him through the door.
"I don't want you to be a bimbo. You need to be two people, the saint and the sinner, the librarian and the stripper. It's a delicate balance. On one hand, you have to push the guy away with cold indifference and yet on the other hand be a sexually teasing tornado." He tells her honestly.
He hears the bedroom door open and Darcy enters, looking amazing in a little black dress and sling backs. Her hair and make-up are sexy but not trashy. He just looks at her not able to say anything gods she was so beautiful why she didn't see that was beyond him.
"Well just don't sit there. Say something." Her voice breaks through his thoughts.
"Glasses." He finally manages to get out
"Huh?" she asks looking confused, he loved when she looked confused it was cute.
"You need glasses." He says again looking around the room looking for the glasses he knew she had.
"But I wear contacts. Besides, doesn't the woman usually remove glasses during a makeover?" she asks
"Yeah, but we're going for a stripper–librarian thing. Right now, I wouldn't trust you to find me a book." He tells her while smiling because it's the truth
Darcy walks over to a drawer opens it and takes out some glasses. She puts them on. She looked even sexier but he wasn't gonna tell her that.
"Not bad. Now we need to practice flirting." He tells her thinking she had no idea what the word even meant.
"I know how to flirt." She gasped and looking so cute, why did she always look cute.
"Do you want to be an old maid?" he asked with a serious face
"So, if I don't listen to you, I'll be an old maid?" she asks him looking smug for a change.
"My name's Darcy and I'm arthritic and alone. I have eighteen cats who keep me company." He mocks acting old
"Oh, ha ha. That's very funny." She replies sarcastically. Then she turns around and mocks him which was a surprise
"Are you wearing underwear?" She says in a deep voice while grabbing his ass.
"Come on! I wouldn't say that and I wouldn't grab ass." He says throwing his hands up in the air
"Hey babe, what's wrong with a little ass grabbing?" she says still acting like him and continuing to pinch his ass
"I mean what's the point of you even having one unless it's there for me to grab it? You're just a set of orifices and a pair of teetas." She says taking her hand of her ass.
"You're a deeply, deeply disturbed person Darcy Lewis" he says with a laugh
But suddenly it like she switches into seductress mode, and starts tracing her finger up and down his arm.
"Maybe I'm just a good student." She whispers getting closer to him
"Would you stop doing that?" he asks trying not to let show he was getting turned on.
"Doing what?" she asks innocently which was just so cruel
"Touching me with your finger." He points at exactly what she's doing
Then she seductively leans into him.
"Why? Am I turning you on?" she asks making her voice even lower than before
"Maybe." He says trying his best not to let it show which was really hard.
She gives him a look and then says
"Actually, I kind of like it."
"Really..." he smiles at her and she leans in closer
"Sucker." She says a wide smile growing on her face.
He shoves her away then holding his finger up tells her
"No teaching the teacher." Then the doorbell rings
.
*Darcy's pov*
"Who is it?" she asks through the door while taking a step back from Clint, messing with his little brain had been fun.
"It's Josh." Comes the voice back through the door.
"Oh my God!" she whispers wide eyed at Clint
"Told you he'd drop by." He smiles smugly again at her
"I'm not ready for this. Am I? I'm not." She panicked at Clint.
"Calm down. Keep the conversation under a minute. Be mysterious. Keep him guessing." He tells her before leaping over the couch and to hide. She walks over to the door and opens it. Josh stands there looking amazing.
"Oh. Hey." She says to him with a smile
"Hi. Wow, you look great." Josh says looking her up and down. Twice!
"Thanks." She says trying to sound aloof
"What happened to you today?" he asks sounding worried
"What do you mean?" she asked trying to sound confused
"You put me on hold and didn't call me back." Josh reminds her
"That was you? I'm so sorry." She says while pretending to look around
"Can you call me later? I'm super busy." She tells him while hustling him out the door
"Bye." She finishes closing the door
Josh bangs on the door and his voice echoes back through it
"Darcy wait..." he says
While Clint pops up from under the couch and gives her the thumbs up.
"Now what?" she whisper's to Clint
"Make him suffer." He whispers back.
"Do you want to go the Lobos game on Saturday?" Josh's voice comes through the door
She looks at Clint in amazement and then she can't help it she breaks into her happy
dance. Clint watches, horrified at her spazziness.
"What the hell is that?!" Clint asks clearly horrified at what he just saw.
