Cheer and celebration filled the air. The warm kind, flames flickering in the hearts of all the victors. This time, we were the victors. The hole in the sky was filled, leaving only a scar to remind our future of the struggles we once faced. Corypheus was vanquished for good. I know this because I was there when Naomi killed him. He had tried to bind me, but it didn't work. That alone boosted my confidence, made me feel real. Powerful yet still myself, an independent flame, flesh, foundation. For once I felt confident in myself, and it was all thanks to the Inquisition.
That night we partied like no other. It was so much different from the Winter Palace. There weren't as many fantastic hats, but everyone was happy in some way. No one was out to hurt another, we all just…were. I sat shyly on the table, rocking my legs back and forth as I always did. I didn't even realize I was sitting towards the center of everything. People remembered me, now. Asked me how it was like. What I did in the battle. I am certain only the Inquisitor will be remembered for such an achievement, but I shared them all the knowledge I had. It wasn't much, but I had helped. Most of the time they didn't understand my speech, but few did the best they could.
"Enjoying the attention?" A familiar voice called from behind the crowd. Naomi weaved through, but didn't have to work too hard to do so. The crowd stepped away respectfully, their hearts now ablaze with curiosity on how she experienced the revelation. The mage's eyes were warm, filled with a similar tiredness to the Winter Palace, but for the first time almost glowing with relief. I moved myself to create room for her to sit, which she happily took.
"It's strange. Scary, shy, but no longer lonely. So many questions, so many voices, I'd much rather have it quiet."
"You can say that again. This is much bigger than any ball my parents held." She sighed. "It was never about me, even if I was a noble. Now it is, and I can't seem to know what to do about it!"
"Perhaps enjoy it? It's because of you we're celebrating, or even alive to do so." Dorian passed with a glass of wine in hand, raising it before taking a sip and walking away.
"Thank you for the obvious!" Naomi called after him. A 'no problem!' could be heard, but was drowned by the sound of the crowd. It was then that she turned.
"Look, I wanted to say that I was really proud of you back there. I nearly had a heart attack when he tried to…bind you, but you stayed yourself. Thank you."
"I couldn't've done it without you and Varric. You two made me real, made me human."
"You're the one who continued to do so, though! You're not giving yourself enough credit!" the blonde nudged my shoulder, a sly grin on her face. The nudge turned to a pat on the back before she hopped off the table. "I've got to go check up on the rest of the Inquisition. No doubt they're on the edge of their seats to interrogate me. Have a good night!"
"Good night." There were so many things I wanted to say. To ask. To know. How she was, how she felt, how she did it, but most importantly, what now?
"What now?" Varric repeated my question. We stood at the outskirts of the party where the people were fewer and less interested in us. "Well, I want to put this all into a book. I'm thinking I'll name the title 'This Shit is Weird: The Inquisitor Trevelyan Story'. How does that sound?"
"Rolling off the tongue in waterfalls, passion through the pages, tangled, torn, ripping the sky but mending it together. The words are clear and crisp to hear but none of it ever makes sense."
"Uh…yeah. It's just a rough draft." The dwarf laughed. It was slightly brighter than before. "But anyway, I'm planning on returning to Kirkwall. It'll be better there." Kirkwall? That was far. I've never been to Kirkwall.
"You're leaving? But I can't—what about-?"
"I know. I don't like goodbyes either. But the Inquisition's done what it had to do, and I'm an author. I go where I need to."
"But I need you!" Varric leaving was out of the question. His laughter returned briefly, only to gesture me to kneel down to his level. I crouched low. I was used to this, kneeling to eye level. At first I would wobble, but now I was steady. Varric put his hands on my shoulders.
"Kid, you don't need me. It's nice to hear you care for me, though." Eyes flickering like the flame he always had, the one that never burned or boiled but always kept warm. Would it be cold without him?
"What about me being human? I need help! You helped me the most! What if I fall? Fade? Forget again-the person I want to be? "
"Calm down, Kid. Hold on. You're a full-fledged human in my book. You've already passed your training. If you need anyone's help, I'm sure you could ask Naomi or The Iron Bull or whoever. I've got family back home who miss me. Miss…Hawke, too. They need me."
"But I thought I was too!" My voice cracked. His hands were still on my shoulders, warm, feeling my subtle wobble from sitting too long. I would not let go of it. Stubborn stung the tip of my tongue. A childish trick. "Your family. I thought I was your family. Too…"
That worked. It hurt me to hear the small hurt in his heart when I said it. I was right. He lifted his hands off of my shoulders in resignation.
"I…I guess you're right about that, Kid. But I can't stay here. Tell you what, how about you pack up your things—if you've got any—and come with me to Kirkwall. It'll be a little stretch for you, but moving's a human thing. I'll introduce you to the pack."
His words lit up my heart and I rose to match my mood. This wouldn't be goodbye, after all. "Good. I'll go. Thank you!" My excitement was another human trait I had acquired through the months, one that Varric easily recognized, and eyes narrowed by.
"Hold on a second. Before we go and do something rash, I think you should think on this. I'm not leaving for a few weeks, so don't jump the gun, okay? Think of who you're going to miss if you do leave." It was then my heart's turn to sink. I'd be leaving Naomi if I left.
"Well…Naomi can come with us." That sounded like a good idea, but Varric shook his head.
"Just ask her, okay? You don't know what she's got planned. And as I said, THINK this through yourself. See what YOU want to do after you know the options." Ice spiked and prickling through my veins, a lump of gravity rested in my stomach. Deciding such decisions terrified me. But I had to do it.
It was dark where I found her. The party had died down, and I felt that she would've gone to bed, but then again the people still wouldn't leave her alone. I wouldn't've seen her if it weren't for the faint lime light illuminating the library. Through the green I met her gaze, and she smiled tiredly. Her eyes knew I was going to come here. She waved, the light moving with the mark on her hand.
"Is the party still going? I told Lelliana to tell everyone I retired for the night."
"It's dying down. People passing from tables to the beds. Lights dimmed and those who drink dozing off." I informed her, promptly sitting next to her. At one point in my lonesome, I had dusted down the cobweb-filled room. Its webs helped the medics, and the cleanliness lifted the Inquisitor's spirits. Now it was well kept, and we took our spots on the chairs we found, rather than piles of books or reading desks.
"That's good." She sighed contently. "Did you have fun?"
"The Iron Bull tried to get me to drink. I took a sip, but the liquid burned my throat." She chuckled at that. "Varric wants to go back to Kirkwall." Her chuckling ceased.
"Oh, he does? That's too bad. I enjoyed his company…but it can't be helped."
"…what are you going to do? Now that it's over." My voice poked its way through her monologue. Her eyes shifted from the subtle sorrow to a confusion. No, thoughtfulness. Thinking it through in a way that worked best in a matter of being heard.
"…I don't know…um…I guess, I guess I'm going to stay here." She started "Well, I have to stay here. Here's my home. Now, I suppose, is the time to rebuild Thedas. It'll take a while, but maybe some day my work will be done…are you okay?"
I hadn't realized that I had been gripping the edge of my hat with both hands. It was more of a nervous habit. I suppose I wasn't the only one in this relationship who studied the other's behavior. I bit my lip before replying.
"Is there any way you could continue your work in Kirkwall…?" I managed to mutter. She put the two together immediately.
"Cole…you're going to Kirkwall with Varric, aren't you?"
"Thinking about it. He told me to think about it. I don't know, now. I thought you would be able to come with us."
I didn't notice the red on my cheeks, and neither did she. I also didn't notice the red on her's, but I don't think she did, either. The mark on her hand provided too much green light to show.
"I can't go, I'm sorry. If I weren't the Inquisitor, I'd think about it. But I can't, they need me here. But…don't let that stop you from going. If you want to go, go. I know how much you love Varric."
I felt hurt, but didn't entirely know why. A sinking feeling from nowhere, as if I had suddenly become quicksand myself. She looked down at her hands, and as always, we found ourselves in silence once more.
"…Thank you for joining the Inquisition, by the way." I did not expect what she had said next. "You could've done anything. Stayed with the Templars to keep you safe, found your old friends, looked for your sister…but you stayed with us. We didn't even know what you were half the time. You helped us in ways unthinkable…helped me in ways unthinkable. I can honestly say that you're the first friend I've ever felt safe enough to really talk to; and don't tell anyone this, but to be honest, that was my first kiss, too." The blonde cracked up by the end of it, but I could see the sincerity in her eyes. The lump in my stomach twisted itself into a knot.
"I would've become a demon if I hadn't joined." I stated bluntly, with a sharp aftertaste I hadn't intended. "This was the best way, is the best way. People see me now. It's scary, was scary, but I'm getting used to it, now. Thank you for helping me. And for letting me help." Somehow I didn't want to see her eyes then. I shifted glances towards my fiddling fingers. They sat in my lap, restlessly wrestling each other as my thoughts ticked.
She stood up, walking towards me and extending her hand. I took it, lifted to my feet by her strength. I never noticed how short she was compared to me. I always looked down a bit, her eyes just barely matching the height of my chin.
"If you do leave, do write me. I'll miss you terribly." Her words were slow and sweet, but it gave me chills once more. Because they were also knowing. She knew I loved her, and that made it all the more impossible to leave her, but on the other hand leaving Varric was ludicrous. "I'm going to go to bed. You should, too. Tell me when you've made your decision…"
Arms wrapped around my waists and for a moment we stood in the pitch black. Her warmth enveloped me tightly, and as I returned the gesture I found we'd be standing like that for a while. A minute or so passed before she took a shaky breath (or was that me?) and stepped back.
"Good night, Cole." The light of her hand returned when she had removed her palm from my back.
"Good night…" I returned once more.
The knot in my stomach managed to make its way to my heart. I had the sickening feeling that whichever choice I chose would break it. I just had to choose the smaller shatter.
