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Panic.
It consumed every inch of me, rising within me like a tidal wave. I fought with all my remaining strength to keep it under control, keep it from brimming over, because I needed to keep my head, even if it wasn't exactly clear at the moment. My stomach was clenched into a tight fist, unrelenting; sharp pangs rocking through my body as I thought of all the possible, yet unthinkable, outcomes.
I was freezing. Every inch of my skin was covered in goose bumps, the hairs standing on end; every now and then my teeth would chatter from the violent shivers which shocked down my spine. I had aches in my back from trying to control the shivers, and aches in my fingers, which clenched themselves into painful fists whenever I thought of him.
Anger raged in my mind, trying to drown out the pain. Why didn't I just ask him, before he had a chance to leave? He would have stayed if I'd have asked him. He wouldn't have left me. But I was paralysed with the dread of what he could be facing, and time had rushed by so fast. It felt like someone had pressed fast-forward, and he was already walking away before I could summon the words to ask him not to.
I tortured myself, as I imagined my life without him. I could never go back to the way I used to be, because he was my little ray of sunlight in the dark, the only reason I breathed. Just to sit next to him every day in class made my life worth living. If he were never to return, I would be left with nothing. Just emptiness, bleakness, black. No reason to smile. I'd have nothing to wake up in the morning for. Only haunted by the memories of him, and the torturing regret of not asking him in time.
Almost hysterically, I thought about how…nothing my life had been without him in it. All I had was the tedious routine of school and daydreams, nothing to excite me, nothing to be happy about. And then I felt guilty, because of my mom, and I loved her loads and maybe I was selfish to think that she wasn't someone worth living for, because she was.
I tried to snap myself out of it, telling me the only way I was going to get through the next few hours was if I stayed strong. I concentrated on breathing. Just breathing; taking one breath at a time, surviving every second. Every second, time ticked on, closer to the time when I would be reunited with Jared. I refused to think of another other ending, any other time.
Each breath hurt my lungs, my ribs aching as they were forced to expand and contract. A heavy weight was pressing down on my chest, trying to smother me. It was the tidal wave of tears, but I couldn't let them flow. Tears were a sign of weakness. I had to be strong. I ignored the pain, and just set my mind to breathing in and out.
I found my mind wandering as I breathed, all the sparkling memories of the last few months floating to the front of my mind. The last few months had been like a vivid, colourful dream…the type you never wanted to wake up from. I felt right now, like I had jolted awake, and found myself in a living nightmare.
Jared and I had become inseparable. It had become physically impossible for us to be away from each other for too long. We had been forced to spend more and more time away from each other however, as the protection for Bella became stronger, and Jared wanted to do his part. I knew he had responsibilities to the pack, and I wanted to be as supportive as possible.
But whenever he was away from me, I felt like I was missing, that I was a stranger in the world with no one to help me find my way back home. Everything was unfamiliar and strange without Jared, and I felt like I was missing a vital organ, most likely my heart. I knew he must have felt similar, because he rarely left my side unless he absolutely had to.
I knew I was incredibly lucky to have someone like that, who willingly gave up his life to be with me. And I appreciated it, every day. I never once took one day for granted, and every time I saw him, my heart still overreacted the way it always did.
And I had changed. I no longer felt like I had to prove myself to the judges, day after day. I had enough common sense now to know when I deserved something, even if I was reluctant to believe it. I knew I deserved Jared, after all this time, because I hadn't been dealt a fair hand of cards. All my cards had been absolutely useless together, and the people who held aces and kings just laughed. Then someone had thrown me an ace - Jared - and suddenly my hand made sense.
I took another deep breath and closed my eyes. Every second was getting harder. Maybe concentrating on my breath was a bad idea. I needed to distract myself, find something that would be sufficient enough to get me through the next couple of hours.
"Kim?" I jumped in my seat, my heart beating rapidly. It was Emily, who looked concerned. Memories came rushing back to me, like the fact I had asked her to wait with me at Billy's house so I could have someone to talk to while Jared was gone. This had been what I had told him, but really I knew I needed to be with someone in my position. Someone who had an inkling of what I was going through.
"Oh, Emily…sorry," I said, apologising for ignoring her, and forgetting all about her. There were other people in the world besides me, I reminded myself. Emily could need my support as much as I needed hers.
"It's OK," she said, smiling. She looked quite calm and serene, but just because the water is calm on the surface doesn't mean there aren't whirlpools underneath. I wondered how she could stand it. Knowing that there was a possible chance Sam mightn't come back? Or Jacob, or Paul, or Embry, or Quil? Or Jared?
The tidal wave that threatened to submerge me rose a little higher.
I tried to return the smile, but it probably resembled a grimace. I had never felt less like smiling.
Emily joined me where I was sitting at the kitchen table. Next to her, I became all the more aware of my shivers, and goose bumps, and how tightly my fists were clenched. I would have been embarrassed about these reactions if my emotions weren't so overwhelming. There was a silence.
"How… can you… stand it?" I asked, my voice shaking from the cold and the panic. How could she act so calm? I was clinging on to the shreds of willpower that I had left, so I wouldn't give in to the panic, and quite possibly go insane. How could she put on such a perfect mask? Or was it even a mask?
"Stand what?" Emily asked, concerned. I winced as another violent shiver shocked itself down my spine.
"Stand the… waiting," I said, unable to put into words the many things I was unable to stand. "What if… they don't… come back?"
Emily's expression of calm didn't change. "Sam promised me he'd come back. I believe him. I trust that he will," she said simply. I didn't know what to say. There was conviction in her voice, and not a trace of the fear that consumed me. I remembered what Jared had said to me.
I'll be back before you know it.
Was it really that simple, just to believe in those words and trust they'll be true? I wasn't able to comprehend that that was all it would take to keep me from the brink of insanity. It was too simplistic an idea. But what if it worked?
But what if I believed the words with everything I had and Jared didn't come back?
I held my forehead in my hands. All this thinking was hurting my head. I could feel the beginnings of a master headache, and I really didn't need any extra pain on top of the pain I already felt. I needed a distraction. A question I had wanted to ask Emily for ages now floated to the top of my mind. I wasn't sure if it was exactly the right time to ask, but it was the only thing I could think of that would provide any kind of distraction.
"Emily? Can I ask you a question?" I asked hesitantly.
"Sure," Emily smiled.
"How… did you react when Sam told you he was a werewolf?"
I know this question wasn't very relevant to anything, but it had been something that had been troubling me for a while. Emily was the other person I knew to be in a similar situation to me, and I wanted to know how easily she had managed to believe. It had taken me a while, and I needed to know if I had been wrong to doubt for so long.
Emily didn't appear too surprised at the random question. She considered her answer for a while before speaking.
"I didn't speak to him for a week," she said.
"What?" I asked, sufficiently distracted.
"Yeah," Emily laughed. "I thought he was psycho. And I was angry with him over the whole Leah thing too, so I just decided he wasn't worth any trouble. But I went back to him, in the end." She shrugged. "Everyone wants to be loved, and it's hard to stay away from someone who would love you more than anyone else ever could."
I nodded. I understood. Even if I hadn't been in love with Jared already, I would have fallen for him anyway. You can't resist the level of commitment and adoration they offer. Like Emily said, everyone wants to be loved.
I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to imagine they were Jared's arms, keeping me safe, keeping me warm. My arms were freezing, so I really had to use my imagination. My body was still aching from the force of my shivers, but my breathing had calmed a little, which helped. I could still the force of the tidal wave; it was ready to break the banks, but I wouldn't let it.
The room darkened gradually, and neither Emily or I found any incentive to speak. We just waited. She seemed miles away, but not once did she bit her lip, or fidget in any way, or show any signs that she was anxious. I was unable to stop biting my nails at regular intervals. I always realised I was doing it, and stopped myself, but somehow a different nail disappeared every few minutes.
I was still cold. I was still shaking. I was still close to tears. I was still close to screaming, to running around the house smashing things, to just collapsing with exhaustion and fear. But I kept myself alert, breathing in a regular rhythm. I refused to feel anything, knowing that if I succumbed to my emotions the dam would burst. I focussed on my memory of Jared's face, telling myself over and over that I would be seeing him again soon, and all I had to do was keep breathing.
And then we heard the howls of pain.
I jumped from my feet, barely aware of Emily anymore. Someone was hurt. An image filled my mind, horrifying me, frightening me. Jared. Bleeding. Broken. Screaming in pain. I wanted to scream too.
Emily, her face no longer calm, ran outside, me right behind her. The howling was coming from the woods, loud, echoing. Emily grabbed my hand and we stood, frozen, watching the trees, waiting. After a few seconds, someone broke through a bush. Emily almost collapsed with relief.
"Sam!" she cried, and ran towards him. They embraced, and I looked away, unable to handle the big emotional reunion. There was still shuffling in the woods behind them, and I watched in horror as Embry and Paul emerged… carrying Jacob. Jacob was cursing loudly, and one side of him was crushed. A man emerged from the woods after them, and my breath caught in my throat. He was incredibly handsome, every feature perfect. I had a ominous feeling that he wasn't quite human.
I was unable to speak, but just watched as Jacob was carried into the house, still cursing and throwing insults everywhere, the man behind them. Emily and Sam had followed them, also concerned, and I found I couldn't move. I wanted to know how Jacob was, and I felt like a selfish bitch for not showing my concerns, but I was numb. Someone had been hurt, and they had all been so confident that everything was fine. Where were the rest of them? Where was Jared?
The dam burst, the tidal wave attacked. I collapsed to my knees, holding my head in my arms, unable to stop the tears flowing down my cheeks. The panic completely took me over, and I began to shake even more violently, so much that it felt like the ground below me was also shaking. I began to gasp, each breath hard to come by, stabbing at my insides like needles.
A noise behind me made me turn on the spot, my tears freezing on my face. It was a very familiar voice, cursing. Was he hurt too? I scrambled to my feet, watching the area where his voice had floated out from.
He broke through a large bush, not a scratch on him. He saw me and a wide grin broke out over his face.
"I stood on a bloody thorny thing," he announced, but I wasn't even listening. I began to walk towards him, feeling like I was dreaming. He was back, and he wasn't hurt, and he was acting like everything was normal, and fine, like I hadn't been panicking all this time because I was so afraid he'd be killed.
When I was only a few more feet away from him, I broke into a run, and threw myself into his arms, wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. He laughed.
"Steady on!" he joked, but he fell silent as I began to sob into his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me, hugging me so tightly I thought my ribs would break. I breathed in his scent, noticing how my breathing had returned to normal, and my shakes had disappeared. I was crying because I was so relieved that he was back in my arms. I was never going to let him go again.
"Never… do anything like that again, unless you want me to go insane," I mumbled, feeling a little embarrassed for my tears, as they began to dry up.
"I'll keep it in mind," Jared said, and I pulled my face back so I could see his. He wiped my tears away with his index finger, as I became lost in his sapphire eyes once more. They were a little sad, for my tears, but they twinkled with something that I could only describe as adoration. He smiled at me, and I smiled back.
Before I could do anything else, he was kissing me, and I forgot how to think or feel. I forgot about everyone else. I wrapped my arms tighter around him, and vowed never to let him go. He was everything I had ever wanted. I pulled away first, staring into his eyes for an immeasurable moment.
"Marry me!" I blurted, without thinking. Once the words were out of my mouth, I almost died of mortification. What the hell did I just say? Oh my God.
"What?" Jared said, starting to laugh.
"I - I... em..." I stuttered, wondering whether there was some way to go back in time and take back the words. What the hell had I been thinking? We were only seventeen! I wasn't even thinking about marriage, realistically. I climbed out of his arms awkwardly, my face flaming.
"Did you just propose to me?" Jared asked, still laughing, making the whole situation a million times worse for me.
"No. I was talking to my imaginary friend," I snapped, on the defensive now. This only made Jared laugh harder. I began to walk away from him, in search of a pit I could lie down in and die, but his arm created a snare around my waist.
"I'm sorry," he said, stepping in front of me so I couldn't go anywhere. He was standing extremely close, his eyes still twinkling with humour, and I felt my heart rate speed up again in response.
"Just forget I said anything. I didn't mean to say it, anyway," I said, still blushing furiously. The truly wonderful thing about this was that Jared would transform again and all his werewolf buddies would all find out about my mortification.
"Aw! So you don't want to marry me, then?" he said, his voice teasing.
"Jared," I groaned, holding my face in my hands. I could still feel the dried tears on my cheeks, and it felt like a lifetime ago already that I had been sobbing on his shoulder. Jared grabbed my hands and pulled them away from my face gently. He gazed in my eyes again, and it was the most intense gaze he had ever given me. I was completely spellbound. He kissed me again, passionately, hungrily, and I once again lost any sense of who I was.
"Yes," he said, when he pulled away.
"What?" I said, dazed, without a clue of what he was talking about.
"I'll marry you," he grinned, winking at me. I could only stare at him.
Because i'm wonderful, this is a sample from what i have written so far of Jared's story. Let me know what you think, and enjoy!! xoxoxox
I became transfixed by her hazel eyes. I wondered if she knew how much her eyes revealed; I felt as though I was gazing into her soul. Something about her eyes were haunting; as though she was trying to hide something, an emotion in which she had become skilled at concealing. With a jolt, I realised how much they reminded me of Jacob, when he was trying not to show how much he cared for Bella Swan. I searched her eyes desperately, seeking some sign that she was content. Any notion I had that she might be in pain physically hurt me.
I could find only disbelief. She was confused as to why I was here, why she had suddenly become the centre of my universe. I wanted to explain everything to her, but I was afraid it would be too much too soon. A million feelings overcame me, and I desperately wanted to free her from the ghosts in her eyes. I wanted to see her smile, with nothing but sunshine in her beautiful eyes.
She looked away. I guess I may have been staring at her too intensely. I couldn't help it. I wanted to break through the walls she had built around her, because she didn't need them anymore. I would protect her, I would be her armour. But she was delicate, and I couldn't let her break before I had the chance to be her protection.
Thanks for reading! Ur all amazing xoxoxox
